Garfield League of America Episode 8: Rise of the Lasagna Sun! The Fall of the House of Speed!
Garfield and his friends had stopped at the Gas Station to fill up the Batmobile on gas before continuing on their way to The Flash's Evil Castle.
"Garfield I am feeling pretty peckish for some ice cream bars. That kind that tastes of rich creamy justice with a crunchy shell of subtle night." Said Batman as he looked longingly at the Gas Station Snack Shop. "Want anything?"
"See if they have any Lasagna Jerky. Just a quick snack, I am saving room for main course of Flash Fillet cooked extra dead." Said Garfield as he admired Supergirl's behind when she bent over while wiping the Batmobile clean. "Do you need me to loan you a few dollars?"
"No, it's fine, Garfield. Alfred always makes sure I never leave the Cave without my lunch money." Said Batman with pride as he produced his wallet and waved a few Benjamins around. But all of a sudden without warning, the dollars morphed into a credit card. And not just any kind of credit card… it was the Bat Credit Card!
"What the? A Bat Credit Card? But this isn't mine… URRRRRRRK!" Without warning Batman began to spasm like a puppet whose puppeteer was having a stroke. Like a shock of static electricity, Garfield could feel the vibes all around shift as what was concrete in reality began to grow hazy and wavy.
"Oh no Garfield what is happening?" Supergirl asked with nervousness.
"On me, Kara! The timeline is destabilizing again!" Garfield said as he tackled Supergirl to safety. With quick hand motions Garfield cast a spell that enveloped him and Supergirl in a protective time pod from a tsunami wave of fluid time that washed over and drowned the entire world. And when Garfield was certain that the timeline had stabilized for now, he removed the time pod to see a horrifying site.
Batman was old again, and he was now GEORGE CLOONEY. Batman's suit now had nipples and a noticeable codpiece. The Batmobile had been transformed into what looked like a neon phallic rocket on wheels.
"Batman… be you friend or foe?" Supergirl asked as she did not like the way Batman was now staring at them.
"I am sorry Garfield, but I am now your enemy. The Flashes have changed the timeline to make it this way." Said Batman with apologetic betrayal. Then his Bat-nipples charged up and fired Kryptonite laser tasers at Supergirl.
"Uhuhuhuhhuuhuh!" Supergirl was shocked into submission and collapsed to the ground friend and unmoving.
"Batman I thought for once I could get through one of my adventures without killing you but I was wrong. When I am through with you you will be more broken than a beached whale in the Dessert." Garfield leapt at Batman with a flying taekwondo kick but suddenly he felt his muscles go slack and his aim veer way off. Instead of connecting with Batman Garfield was helpless as Batman grabbed his leg and through him threw the snack shop glass doors. Batman hopped in through the broken glass after Garfield and began throwing Garfield through many things for breaking.
"Aggh-a." Said Garfield as Batman tossed him back outside into the dirt. Batman then pinned Garfield to the ground with batarangs. "Where has my manly strength gone?"
"I knew I was no match for you in fair one-on-one fight. But then I remembered I am the Batman and have the power of Prep Time!" Said Batman with preparation while casually chowing down on a Snickers. "While we were having dinner at Olive Garden last night I sprinkled some of my specially developed Bat-Virus Parmesan on your lasagna while you were snogging with Supergirl and not looking. The Bat-Virus kicked in right when I needed it!"
"Wait I remember dinner last night that didn't happen! I didn't start getting cozy with Supergirl until after I finished my lasagna." Garfield pointed out.
"That's how it happened in the previous timeline but this is how it happened in this timeline!" Batman explained with retroactive continuity. Batman stood over Garfield, and thrusted to make his codpiece flipped open to reveal a shotgun.
"Fret not these are merely concussive rounds. You won't die until the Grand Finale of the show Reverse Flash has produced for you." Said Batman as he thrusted again to fire in Garfield's face and everything went black.
Meanwhile back in The Flash's room at his Evil Castle Barry Allen the Flash was looking in the mirror doing his hair and make-up when Reverse Flash ran in with evil tidings.
"Barry Allen The Flash I am pleased to report that we have captured Garfield and will have him ready for execution soon! Why don't you expedite your dress-up so we can at last secure our mastery over all the Worlds?" Reverse Flash said with some impatience.
"Come on Eobard buddy you ought to know I take good pride in my grooming skills." The Flash said with a timely reference. "But if this means I will get to watch Garfield die after all the many years of insecurity he heaped upon me I will speed it up a little."
Outside The Flash's Evil Castle in a wide plain Garfield awoke to find that he was on a cross and he had been crucified.
"I'll bet today's a Monday." Garfield grumbled to himself. He then noticed in front of him were several of his friends all tied up and readied for execution. Garfield felt his heart dropping when he saw that The Flash's had captured Red Hood, Shazam, Aquaman, Zatanna, John Constantine, Swamp Thing, Martian Manhunter, Harley Quinn and the Birds of Prey, the entire Green Lantern Corps led by Green Lanterns Hal Jordan and Jon Stewart, Tommy Monaghan the Hitman, Kite-Man, and
"JON ARBUCKLE!" Garfield cried out with recognition. At that moment The Reverse Flash ran in. He was flanked by several other Flashes from the multiverse which included Younger Even More Annoying Barry and Soap Opera Canadian Barry.
"Behold, Garfield. These are the last of your friends and allies in the universe and we have captured them all!" Reverse Flash bragged. And at that moment up ran The Flash himself. The Flash was now wearing a garish kingly rope with a big ugly crown filled with fake gems on top of his head. The Flash pointed at Garfield with mocking laughter.
"I bet you wish you were nicer to me now Garfield!" The Flash blew raspberries at Garfield. Garfield only rolled his eyes at The Flash's posturing.
"Where's Supergirl, you cowards?" Garfield demanded to know.
"Oh, she's now a permanent guest of our special pleasure chamber." The Flash cruelly said. "And boy she has no idea what kinda celebration awaits her when we're done with you Garfield."
"You wretched little lump of cancer!" Garfield called out. "Let me down and face me like a man!"
"Oh we are not so foolish to take you on while you have even a mere shred of your legendary man powers left!" Reverse Flash said with cowardice. "So we'll finish you… AFTER DOING AWAY WITH THE LAST OF YOUR FRIENDS!"
"DAMN YOU ALL." Garfield howled with rage and manly tears as The Reverse Flash clapped his hands and the Evil Flashes all traveled back in time to erase Garfield's friends from existence.
"Don't forget us Garfield!" Harley Quinn said with womanly tears and fears as she and the Birds of Prey huddled together helplessly before they became nothingness.
"Kite Man! Hell No!" Said Kite Man with last words as he faded away.
"Oi, Garfield, me old mate! Give 'em bloody hell and 'ave a pint over their corpses for me!" Said John Constantine with encouragement before he started flickering with rewritten history and suddenly he morphed before Garfield's very eyes from a blonde Englishman into a black-haired American.
"Woah. How's it goin Garfield I'm an American now! Dude, if I wasn't about to die this would totally be excellent!" Said John Constantine in bewilderment before he disintegrated into dust leaving behind only a smoknig cigarette.
"Do not despair, Garfield! We know you will keep the light of the universe lit in our absence!" The Green Lanterns shouted as they were erased from existence. Their Power Rings floated in the air with searching for new hosts, and began making a beeline towards Garfield. Only to be blasted out of the air and into pieces with shotguns by The Flash.
"Nuh-uh. No power up for you!" Said The Flash with taunts.
"At least they remembered me enough to erase me." Said Aquaman with half-hearted glass half-full mentality as he became non-existent.
One by one, Garfield's friends were written off from existence until only Jon Arbuckle was left. Garfield and Jon Arbuckle shared one final manly look in each other's eyes.
"Farewell, Garfield, old friend. I fear my end has come at last." Jon Arbuckle said with honesty regarding his predicament. "But you can't give into sorrow. No Garfield you gotta fight on and make all our deaths mean something. I know you can save the world again, and maybe even undo all this and make things better. Because you aren't just any man… YOU'RE GARFIELD."
Right as Reverse Flash vibrated his hand and then ripped out Jon Arbuckle's heart.
And then that was the death of Jon Arbuckle as the Reverse Flash removed his hand now dripping with blood and crushed Jon Arbuckle's heart right before Garfield's eyes.
"Jon Arbuckle. My oldest friend. NOOOOOOOO." Garfield raged and struggled against his restraints.
"Ha ha ha ha Garfield all your friends are now written off and taken by the Force of Speed! With this power… THE WORLD IS MINE!" The Flash clapped his palms together and the world rock and rolled like a playground ball pit in an earthquake. And when the rumbling started, the Flashpoint had at last been complete and a new world had been born. The old world and timeline was but a fading memory. But then The Flashes all saw a horrific sight.
Garfield was still there on his cross, with raging vengeance blazing in his eyes. And with Garfield's stabilizing presence remaining the world, the alterations that The Flashes had done began to unravel and return to what they were.
"HUH? Garfield even without the power of his bonds is immune to complete timeline erasure? How is that possible?" Reverse Flash asked in shock.
"We can find the answer to that while Im' breaking your face!" Garfield finally broke free from the cross only to be looking down the barrel of a Super Duper Death Ray Gun held by The Flash when he landed.
"Ha ha ha even if you can't be erased from time Garfield now that you are weakened succifiently by us this gun will be your end!" The Reverse Flash announced with finalities.
"You were a sucker to draw all your strength from the bonds of friendship! You may personally be invulnerable to time paradoxes but once we figured out where your manly power came from you were as good as dead! Friendship is for weaklings, true strength only comes from the self." The Flash said with insults to Garfield.
"You never will get it, will you?" Garfield grit his teeth and choked out some final wisdom. "Real Men are nothing without others. We can be our own worst enemies and bring about our own doom without the bonds we forge to keep our destinies straight and clear."
"Shut up Garfield you're about to die I don't have to listen to you anymore!" The Flash squealed like a stuck piglet and blasted Garfield with Super Duper Death Rays.
"You trying to kill me or tickle me?" Garfield said unamused as the Super Duper Death Rays washed off of him like mist in the evening. "You're not doing a good job either way."
"How is this possible? This is the Best Super Duper Death Ray Gun money can buy!" The Flash yelled with demandings. "I spent premium bucks on Ebay for it!"
"Looks like you need a lesson in hurt. I'll teach you – just let me take a deposit fee first!" Garfield quipped as he punched The Flash in the noise breaking it and sending The Flash flying back with a spiral of bursting blood.
"Uhhhhhhhf! No Garfield is still at full strength how is this possible Reverse Flash we erased all his friends!" Said The Flash with panicking as he fuitely tried to stop his nose bleeding.
"How dare you use my friends and lovers for Speed Force Write Offs! But you underestimated the strength of A Man's True Bonds!" Said Garfield with righteous fury. To the disbelieving horro of the Flashes Garfield began to glow like an eruption of the all-encompassing divine power of friendship. With heartfelt manliness Garfield pointed at his heart with thumbs.
"AS LONG AS I CARRY THEM IN HERE WITH ME MY FRIENDS WILL NEVER DIE!" Garfield declared with heroism. "My fists will be a torch to carry the flames of their spirits… I WILL BE THE AVENGING EMISSARY OF THEIR SOULS!"
"Yeah right Garfield!" Reverse Flash tried to scoff. "We will triumph and no one will remember you or any one that ever dared claim friendship of Garfield! GET HIM!"
Thirteen Flashes and other Speedsters from throughout the Multiverse ran at Garfield with Speed Force Fists. But before they could reach Garfield a force field of power formed around Garfield and knocked them back.
"I will show you Ultimate Power. When Friendship and Lasagna are brought together!" Garfield clenched his fists as he used his inner willpower he re-materialized his cyborg super belt on his being. Garfield then struck a cool transformation pose as his Theme Music kicked in full blast. "HENSHIN!"
"Cisco, what the fruit is happening?" Soap Opera Canadian Barry asked his tech guy Cisco over earpiece.
"Unbelievable! Garfield has harnessed the power of the bonds of friendship and combined that with his master mastery of the ancient secrets of Lasagna to achieve his ultimate level of Manliness!" Cisco said with exposition.
With flashing of lights and cool explosions going off in the background, Garfield transformed into a black and orange cyborg masked warrior with blazing red eyes of justice's vengeance. "I AM KAMEN RIDER LASAGNA SUN!"
"AND I THINK MY LASAGNA COULD USE SOME EXTRA RED SAUCE!" Garfield then leapt at the legion of speedsters before him. With his enhanced powers it was no big deal for Garfield to keep up and EXCEED their super speed with his super-super speed and dispose of them with great skullcrushing, bone breaking, and limb dismemberment. Garfield did several stylish blows and throws that turned every foe he landed a hit on into a bursting water-balloon of gore. Reverse Flash and The Flash could only look on in horror as they witnessed the bloodshed and realized they were no longer the fastest hombres in town.
"Garfield is also a Kamen Rider?" Said Soap Opera Canadian Barry with terrified recognition. "Cisco what do I do?"
"I'm sorry Barry you don't pay me enough for this! Garfield knows who I am now! It's too late for all of us!" Said Cisco as he hung up. There was then distant sound of someone breaking a window over at The Flash's Evil Castle and then screaming as they threw themselves to their doom rather than face the unforgiving Wrath of Garfield.
"CISCO NOOOO DON'T YOU KNOW I CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITHOUT YOU TELLING ME WHAT TO DO FIRST!" Soap Opera Canadian Barry cried out with hopelessness as he looked down and then when he looked back up he found himself gazing into the abyss of judgment that was Garfield. Garfield was cracking his knuckles and behind Garfield was a trial of several dead speedster whose leaking fluids had become a deep creek.
"Oh, I so wish I hadn't dedicated so much of my life to sexual pursuit of my stepsister." Soap Opera Canadian Barry croaked with last regrets.
"You got a dirty mind, punk. Time for a clean-up on Aisle 3." Said Garfield with executions as he held the weeping Soap Opera Canadian Barry's head between his palm and crushed it with squeezing.
"Shoot!" Said Younger Even More Annoying Barry as he looked at The Flash and Reverse Flash and then at the vengeful bloody Garfield. "Sorry Older Me but I'm outta here!"
"Aaaaah I knew I couldn't depend on me!" The Flash vented as his younger self began to flee the Battlefield.
"Quiet, Barry! While Garfield is distracted by your younger self, we can retreat to the Castle and regroup!" Reverse Flash suggested and they sneakily skulked away.
"You don't get to aid and abet evil and run away alive!" Said Garfield with no mercy as he laid deadly eyes upon the fleeing Younger Even More Annoying Barry. "Mozzarella Hopper, to me!"
Garfield summoned Kamen Rider Lasagna Sun's cool customized sentient lasagna-powered motorcycle, Mozzarella Hopper, who flashed headlights with affirmations. Garfield mounted Mozzarella Hopper and sped off in Hot Pursuit. Garfield was gaining on Younger Even More Annoying Barry until the devious Younger Flash pulled a bag of drugs out of his pockets.
"You may be fast Garfield but let's see you keep up to me once I get these SPEED FORCE STEROIDS in me." Said Younger Even More Annoying Barry as he scarfed down the Steroids like a can of beans. Younger Even More Annoying Barry started bursting ahead like the Roadrunner. "Mwa ha ho! I am running to my freedom!"
"Wrong. No matter where you go, you run towards annihilation." Garfield pressed a button on his wrist. "RICOTTA SECTOR!"
Garfield summoned his second motorcycle, the ultimate marvel of future tech lasagna vehicular engineering – RICOTTA SECTOR. The fleeling Flash's eyes widened with doom as he saw approaching him from the front Ricotta Sector. He looked back over his shoulder and saw that against all odds Garfield was gaining on him in Mozzarella Hopper.
"Uh… I surrender?" The doomed youngster asked as he skidded to a stop and pulled out a white flag.
"Fat little chicken, you think you can take the easy way out? Surrender not to me but to the fires of hell!" Garfield said with no mercy as his motorcycles sandwiched Younger Even More Annoying Barry in a high-speed collision of great impact vaporizing the unfortunate Flash into red particles.
"Good Girls I knew I could count on you." Garfield said with congratulations to Mozzarella Hopper and Ricotta Sector who honked and beeped in acknowledgment as Garfield took out a cloth and gently cleaned excess blood from their exterirors. "What's that you need a little extra grease in your gears? Why I'm just the man to oblige?"
Mozzarella Hopper and Ricotta Sector beeped with aroused excitement as Garfield led his two Motorcycles in search of a private secluded spot for some intimate intensive maintenance.
Meanwhile back at The Flash's Evil Castle, Barry Allen The Flash was pacing around uncomfortably in his throne room while Reverse Flash was calmly sitting in The Flash's throne eating potato chips salted with the tears of malnourished whipped children. Suddenly the window was broken as a rock thrown from far away came in. The Flash looked with dread at the rock. Attached to it was the bloody ring of his Younger More Annoying Self along with a note with Garfield's handwriting on it.
FLASH FACT: YOU'RE NEXT read the ink that blazed with justice. "NOOOOOOO!" The Flash therw arms up in frustration. "Hey, if my younger self is dead, how come I am not erased from time?"
"Who knows? Time travel and the multiverse is a vast thing we know every little about." Reverse Flash shrugged with hand-waving as he shoved more chips in his mouth.
"How can you just think of cal mly eating my chips at a time like this, Reverse Flash?" The Flash said with fidgeting. "Garfield just like killed all the other Flashes! I am King of the World but that means nothing if Garfield will make me am going the way of King Louie!"
"Oh ye of little faith. Don't you know that God is watching and he will not forsake us most in our hour of need?" Reverse Flash dragged The Flash by the neck to their shrine to the Speed Force God, The Big Zasz. "Come let us prey. And perhaps we shall at last break the accursed cycle of Garfield's Eternal Victory."
Reverse Flash and The Flash knelt before a Statue of The Big Zasz and chanted ancient incantations as they bowed over and over again. Suddenly behind them a time portal opened up and when it cleared there was a big cocoon with a threatening figure silhouetted in shadow in its place.
"You see, Barry? The Big Zasz is a gracious God. He has cast a surprise Guest Star in this drama, a man with the power to slay Garfield and ensure that the Speed Force rules the universe forever." Reverse Flash pointed out.
"Yeah so why is whoever that is not coming out of the cocoon?" Said The Flash with questions.
"Simple really. This man, this weapon to surpass Garfield, lays dormant like the supervolcano after his power was expended in their last epic battle. But all it needs is the right kick. Like a sudden infusion of Excess Speed Force." Reverse Flash said with explanations.
"Yeah but where are we going to get thaSHIIIIINK." The Flash looked down and he saw a red blade sticking out of his chest. Batman had snuck up and stabbed him through the back!
"Barry, meet the Satan Saber. I brought it on Ebay with my Bat Credit Card." Said Batman with online shopping.
"Reverse Flash, Batman has betrayed us! Let's get him!" The Flash vibrated through the deadly sword, only for Reverse Flash to punch him in the throat. As he was gurgling, Batman throw some bat-bolas to bind him. The Flash fell to the floor and With a slash, Batman took off The Flash's legs.
"I'm afraid, Barry, that Batman has betrayed only you. On my orders." Said The Reverse Flash smugly with crossed arms.
"BETRAYAl! What is this!" The Flash shouted at Reverse Flash.
"I'm sorry, Barry, I really didn't want this cycle to come to this. This run is the closest I've come to victory but Garfield has still thrown things awry. I am sick of restarting the loop so I figure it's time for some risky business." Reverse Flash said with dishonest apologies.
"What do you mean? I thought your mission was to help me, Barry Allen The Flash, become the most powerful entity in the unvierse!" The Flash asked as Reverse Flash lifted him up by the neck and then impaled him on some spikes.
"Gaze upon my true visage and perhaps you'll understand how that plan will still proceed without you." Reverse Flash removed his cowl to show the true face of Eobard Thawne to The Flash.
"No! You are actually? How can that be?" The Flash babbled as the revelation of Reverse Flash's identity broke his mind. Too late, Barry Allen The Flash had realized he was but a pawn on the chessboard.
"Farewell, Barry. I was a thousand times more evil than you." Said Reverse Flash with fatalities as he yanked on The Flash's head and ripped out his spine. Reverse Flash zipped over to the cocoon and jabbed the spine into it to transfer all the power that Barry Allen had absorbed from the Speed Force write-offs into the cocoon's inhabitant. Almost instananeously the cocoon's shell cracked as the insides stirred to life.
As the figure broke free of the cocoon, all saw that it was a manly muscular man just ilke Garfield but instead of the orange of Garfield that sang of Garfield's passion ahd heroism this man's fur was grayed out like his soulw as nothing but hollow depravities and his bodie was covered with ugly scars and Satanic Tattoos.
"I could care less about your Empire of Speed and your God of Whatever. But killing Garfield, now there's an idea I like." The Gray Man said, his barren voice chilling and forsaken like a trail mix of broken glass and dirty needles, as he came fully into view. "You will have a front row seat when I, Nermal, send Garfield to his grave!"
Nermal threw back in his head with evil laughter and soon Batman and Reverse Flash were joining in the sinister chorus as a new Axis of Evil arose. And tense anticipation gripped the world whole. All waited, even if they didn't know why, with sudden baited breath and dread in their hearts. For the final confrontation between the forces of Good and Evil for the fate of the world was soon at hand.
To be continued…