The entire night felt more exhausting than ever before.
And I know who to blame for that.
The most offensive ones to blame were those terrible senpai downstairs.
Just above them was Nire.
Far and beyond any of them was...
Mitsuteru...
Ema threw himself back onto the bed behind him.
After coming out of the shower, he saw Yuki getting himself ready for bed.
"You're done? Good. Kanda and I were going to shower in the morning, and Kage and Kō are going to be using the one out there, so no need to worry about anything."
What had he been implying there? Either way, he did his best to make sure Ema had been relaxed after his shower, even making sure that Tenryū's clothes fit him well.
"Good, good. I know that Shobu is on the smaller side, so I was worried about that. But it looks like his clothes fit just right on you. I made sure to let him know that you were borrowing those, so there's no worries there either."
It was hard to give a response when Yuki had been the one trying to talk through everything. At the same time, Ema could tell that it was his way of being nice. This way, he wouldn't have to try to make small talk before leaving the room.
Ema had only nodded and moved towards the door, but was stopped just before leaving.
"Oh, that's right. Are you fine sharing a room with someone? Kanda said he would take downstairs, and Kage's going to the guest room. Kō and I shared a room at Mei's already, so that isn't a problem for us. What about you?"
It made sense that this would be the result of them all staying over. When he had been moving through the hall, he could see only three rooms with beds in them. Any other room was small or used as a storage space.
Knowing that, he nodded and got ready to leave again.
"Great! You can take Shiro's room then. I told Mitsuteru that he can be there, so he's who you will be sharing with."
Giving these people any reaction would mean an instant loss. It was because of that that Ema stiffly made his way out of the room and toward the room he had seen earlier. There was a small sign on it that read "Oshiro," with a small drawing that looked similar to Ninomiya Squad's Gunner.
Upon entering the room, the first thing he noticed was the small dog bed near the bed. The room itself was rather plain and didn't have much in the way of personal belongings, so the small bed stood out a bit more than it should have. Otherwise, the entire room was a single color, with the only thing holding something being the nightstand next to the bed. Since it wasn't his room, Ema only moved to the bed without touching anything.
With his arms spread out and back on the bed, he took in the ceiling. It was white, with not a blemish on it. But that was not what was on his mind.
No, it was something else completely.
...I only saw it for a moment, but what was that weird-looking outfit in the closet?
It was hard to describe, but Ema knew that it was something only grownups doing dirty things would wear.
He tried to wipe it from his memory.
With that wiped from his memory, he tried to focus on the more pressing matter at hand.
Who I'm going to be sharing this room with...
.
He had given no initial reaction to Yuki telling him that he would be sharing a room with Mitsuteru. It had partially been because he didn't want to get caught up in some terrible joke. They take whatever they can get... He had seen it for himself before.
But...
That was not the complete reason.
...I still don't know what to do.
That anger that had come up slowly died down as time went on, but he wasn't sure if that was because he was calming down or because Mitsuteru wasn't in front of him.
"I wonder what I should do..."
"Are you talking about us sharing a room? Don't worry, I'll take the floor."
Ema threw his body to the side. If not for the way he was lying down, he would have fallen off the bed.
Still, he had jumped enough to end up on his stomach. Looking up from his spot, he saw Mitsuteru. He was looking around the room with a frown and a towel over his neck. His hair was not in its usual combed fashion, so it covered his eyes enough that Ema found it hard to look directly at them.
He must have been annoyed with it as well, since he tried to swat it out of his face.
"Anyway," he said with another swat. "If you're really against me being in here, I can go downstairs and sleep on the sofa."
"I heard Kanda-san is there. So no room for you."
"Kageura-san is in the guest room, right? I could always try there."
As much as he didn't want to be around Mitsuteru, he didn't want his captain to have to deal with him.
"It's fine. You're sleeping here. Tsukiko-senpai already said so."
"Yuki did, huh...?"
Mitsuteru nodded once and walked into the room.
The shirt he wore was a bit big on him, but not by much. From what Yuki had said, he would be using Hogo's clothing for the night. If that was the case, then it showed the size difference between the two of them.
"Urg... I would rather not wear any of Hogo's clothes. Just being in here gives me the shivers."
"What's your problem with him?"
"This and that. Nothing for you to worry about," he said with a wave of his hand.
There was a story there that made Ema curious. But asking Mitsuteru about it could lead to something bad, so he held himself back from saying anything.
"Hah... But it's not like I won't be able to sleep tonight. Maybe playing some games on my phone will ease my worries."
"I didn't think you had worries when it came to things not directly connected to you."
"Huh? Of course, I have those kinds of worries. It's all about thinking ahead."
"Is that what you say when you start being a nuisance?"
"Hey, that's Yuki's thing. I try to stay away from causing trouble for others."
The B-Rank War matches said otherwise, but he was probably aware of that.
"Speaking of trouble... Is something wrong? You've been especially mad tonight."
"I haven't been mad. You just think I have."
"Come on. You know that kind of stuff won't work. Now tell me what's up."
"Nothing is up." Ema put his entire body on the bed and made sure to turn around. "It's getting late, and you have other things to focus on."
"I guess that's true..."
When he closed his eyes, thinking the conversation was over, he felt a dip in the bed behind him.
"I thought you were sleeping on the floor."
"Hey, Yuzuru..."
"What is it now?"
There was a moment of silence.
From his position, facing away from Mitsuteru, he could hear a sigh.
"Do you hate me?"
.
"I don't..."
Would he finally leave him alone?
"...think I do..."
If he told Mitsuteru that he hated him, would he stop pestering him? Stop looming over him, stop checking on him, and stop looking out for him. Would he finally decide to leave him in the past with everyone else?
His answer was full of hesitation. No matter how he saw it, there was no real answer to this question. At least not one that Mitsuteru would take to. Either he answered honestly, like he did, or he told a lie that would be seen through right away.
Even then...
Was that the truth...?
Could he look back at this moment and say that his hesitation was due to telling the truth?
"I don't want to hear any empty words or promises," said Mitsuteru under his breath.
Ema had heard those words. They were followed by the release of a breath.
"That was a pretty mean question to ask. So I'll ask a different one."
Knowing him, the next question would be no better.
"I'm here. ...So where are you?"
"I'm...here."
"Good. At least that much can come out."
The question was strange, and he wasn't sure if he could properly answer it. Instead, he let the words come out, hoping that his answer would be enough.
"Now that we both know where we are...I want to talk."
What was there to talk about? Ema knew what Mistuteru wanted, but he found nothing to talk about. Everything that would come from him would end up hurting in some way.
That was where he found himself.
"The normal thing to do would be to shut up and go to sleep."
"Then I'll do the abnormal thing and continue talking."
It was annoying when he did this. Go against what he wanted just because he wanted to do something.
There was no difference from back then.
Back when their mentor was around.
He could just readily accept her problem while I tried to help her get over it... Then he accepted her leaving while I tried to do something... It's always the same with him. Whenever it involves her, he just accepts it and does whatever he wants, always trying to drag me along.
It always irritated him. Back then, it was fine. They would leave it at simple things while their mentor was around. But now...
It's always with me. He always pushes and pushes until he gets his way. Just stop already!
"Just leave me alone!"
.
Mitsuteru could hear it. The sudden anger felt like it was specially made for him.
Back when they had both just been students with the same mentor, there was some annoyance, but nothing as harsh as now. They could speak with each other and have no worries about what came from it.
Like a lot of things, that changed once their mentor left.
Where did you go...?
It was a question he asked many times.
It was a question he knew Ema had asked even more times.
Why aren't you here...?
They were the same questions that would continue to come up as time went on. At some point, it had transformed into both of them being lost, only knowing where each other was. Those questions became more vivid, trying to devour them at times.
Then it stopped.
Why didn't you take me with you!?
Ema had started to walk forward. Those questions would remain, as would his feelings, but he would start to move ahead of Mitsuteru.
Meanwhile...
I would stay behind. The past was all I could think about until recently.
Now that he had finally caught up to others, he could see everything he had been missing out on.
One of those things was Ema himself.
I want to see him, he would often think.
There was never anything stopping him from doing so. The only thing that made him not be able to see Ema whenever he wanted was his own hesitation to try and speak with the one person who understood his feelings as a sibling student.
And now...
"You want me gone, right? I already know what you want, Yuzuru. I've just been wanting you to say it for me."
"Then go... And leave me behind."
"I can't do that."
He had met so many people and gotten so many different opinions on a lot of matters. Every new person he met had been different from the one before. Each time he spoke to them, he would find something new to think about and expand upon.
Even the people he had always been afraid of turned out to just be people with their own thoughts and feelings.
Leaving him behind after all of that would mean that he would be going back to how he had been.
.
Just stop.
It's annoying.
Don't try to act like you are in the right.
Just leave me alone already. Go back to everyone else.
Was he saying these things so he could remain happy?
...Am I just someone you want to keep around so you don't lose her!?
That was it, wasn't it? There was no real care for him; it was only about their mentor. That was the only reason he would stick around, pretending to care and looking out for him.
Anything else didn't make sense.
"Am I just a nice memory of her...?"
He couldn't take it. The thought that he was only being viewed as something with a connection to someone who had left them both.
"Is that it...!? Do you just want me around so you can remember those times!?"
The anger that he thought had subsided began resurfacing. It overtook him and spilled out. Once it began spilling out, it overflowed and took over everything, spewing upwards and out of his mouth. Nothing was put in place to stop it.
So he let it out.
He directed it at him.
"—"
He quickly sat up to continue his yelling. His mouth was open, fully ready to give any response that came to mind.
But he stopped.
The expression he saw made him stop.
"What about me?" was all that came out.
He blinked in confusion. This alone gave him the chance to continue.
"Am I just a bad memory of her to you?"
There was no resentment or anger in his expression. Something he thought would fill it. Instead, there was only tiredness and regret.
This was too different from what he was expecting.
At the same time, it was exactly what he had expected.
After all...
I don't think he could ever hate me...
So many things had happened that would make someone dislike him, maybe even hate him. But this person never showed that kind of expression to him before. Not once had he even looked remotely annoyed with him.
Why was that?
Maybe a promise to their mentor? Maybe it was his way of making sure this nice memory would be kept safe.
"If you want, we can cut things off."
"...What?"
What was he saying now?
"If I'm that much of a bad memory, we can really just cut ties. You can go back to being 'Ema-kun', while I would go back to being 'Ariake.' If that's what you want...we can do that."
He tried to wrap his head around those words. Going back like that would solve everything for him. There would be no reason for them to speak to each other, no reason for him to be around this person, and no reason to get angry with this person.
They would both be people learning under Tōma, but it would be different from their previous mentor.
Back then, they had messed around with each other, teased each other, and generally enjoyed each other's company.
But now, with a different mentor, they were taught at different times, looked after differently, and could not see eye-to-eye anymore.
"My feelings for you are very different from my feelings for her. Oh, and I mean that generally. Even if you turned into a girl, I would still view you the same way."
"Please, stop talking now."
"Sorry, sorry."
He was always like this.
It made everything difficult. He was being considerate while being told off.
"You're brave without trying to be."
Who was he telling that to?
"But that's fine." He gave a slight laugh and moved from the bed. "You don't have to give me an answer right now. ...Or even ever, if you want. But I'll be around to hear anything you have to say."
That was too much. Being ready whenever he wanted was putting too much on him.
Whether it was a complaint, a compliment, an argument, or an agreement, he was saying that all of that was fine. Anything he wanted to be told to this person without any worry, even if it was to just spit in his face or greet him properly, he would accept it and go on from there.
This was a person no longer living in the past.
He had accepted both himself and the things around him.
.
It's been a long night...
Mitsuteru wanted to let something out. A breath or a sigh, it really didn't matter. But...
Now isn't the time for that. I need to be ready in case Yuzuru wants to say anything.
There would be no empty words or promises coming from him. At first, that had been a given, but now he had fully embraced it.
Doesn't that make me sound kind of cool? I hope so. I was surrounded by so many cool people. Maybe I can be a bit like them?
It was a high standard for someone like him. Others had something going for them, while he would always end up supporting others.
That was just the way he was.
So maybe...just this once... Could I look cool for Yuzuru?
He had already known how Ema felt about him after Mirai left. There was no hiding the rough expression he always gave him whenever they were near each other. Speaking to him as he did just now had been his way of letting Ema know that he was in the right to feel the way he did.
There was nothing wrong with his feelings.
Even if he had to take on that part of Ema, it was something he wanted to clear up as soon as he could.
What a cruel thing to tell me before leaving us...Mirai-san.
He wanted to give a bitter laugh. He wanted to express his own feelings more here, but he couldn't. Not when he knew that doing so would go against his conversation at dinner a few nights ago.
Until he could see her again, until he could yell at her, and until he could decide to accept her again, he would put a lid on these bitter feelings. There would no longer be any apologies from him about her, and he would not say anything against her. He would continue to accept her as the mentor he knew instead of the girl who had left them for some place unknown to him.
...That's right. The Mirai-san I know wouldn't not have a reason. So I can't mix that with the Mirai-san others imagine at times.
That was why he stayed by Ema's side.
A promise made to their mentor.
No. A promise made to both versions of you, Mirai-san.
The mentor whom he had fallen for.
The mentor whom he had bitter feelings towards.
I had promised Mirai-san that I would look out for Yuzuru before she left.
Then I promised Mirai-san that I would find her for myself after she left.
At the moment, he was keeping his promise to the first mentor. The one he had fallen for.
And the one whom he would no longer apologize for liking.
I refuse to ever go back on them.
There would be no empty promises from him.
That's why...
I'll promise it to Yuzuru too. I promise to accept whatever answer he gives me. Whether he hates me or not, I will accept that and work towards something with him.
It was a bit selfish of him to think like that, but that was fine.
Even if Ema did hate him, he would do his best to stay by his side and get him to like him. To both fulfill the promise made to both versions of their mentor, as well as to selfishly want for more.
...Yes, then I might look back and find a new goal for myself.
One that could help him find his mentor.
.
Mitsuteru began to stand up from the bed.
"I'll get the futon out now. Yuki told me where it was, so... Huh?"
"..."
Feeling a tug on his shirt, Mitsuteru turned back to see what had caught him.
It was Ema.
He had crawled across the bed and grabbed on to his shirt to stop him.
"Just sleep here... The bed is way more soft than the floor..."
He wanted to say something, but doing that would probably ruin what had just built up.
Instead of arguing back or questioning him, Mitsuteru only nodded and slowly got onto the bed as well.
Once on, he could feel the entirety of it. The softness of the bed sucked him in, embracing his side and relaxing his whole body. It was not his own, but he found no issue with closing his eyes on the bed. Even the pillow had been perfect to lay his head on.
"It's unfair that Hogo gets this kind of bed."
"Do you sleep on a bed of rocks or something?"
"I just wanted to say that."
Feeling the weight of both the day and night wear on him, he began to close his eyes. Sleep was starting to fully take him over, making it hard to see or hear anything around him. His mind was getting far too hazy to have a normal conversation.
But before he fully went to sleep, he heard something.
"I miss her..."
He could only respond in a tired voice.
"So do I..."
.
Ema made sure to check that Mitsuteru was asleep before doing anything.
The near-nonexistent amount of time it took for him to fall asleep was very concerning. To be that tired meant that he had a lot built up after the day.
It really has been a long night... he thought to himself.
There had been things that came out, but nowhere near enough for his liking. Out of the two of them, it felt like Mitsuteru had managed to get more out while also telling him that it was fine to hold back or let go whenever he wanted.
It was stupid of him.
I would do that anyway. Because...
"I know you won't hate me afterwards."
He did one final check to make sure Mitsuteru was truly asleep. Once he was sure that he was, Ema moved his body closer to him. Instead of letting himself get comfortable with Mitsuteru, he found himself trying to comfort Mitsuteru instead.
This was his apology. An apology only he would know about.
"I'll give you my answer some day... But thanks for waiting."
They had shared the same mentor, so there was a sense of closeness to him.
They had shared the same mentor, so there was a sense of distance between them.
Finding the right amount of space was difficult. While he tried to push away, Mitsuteru tried to get closer. In that sense, they were always at the right distance from each other.
And it's not just us at this point. Both of us have a lot of people looking out for us. We can take our time figuring out what we want to do.
It was a realization he had come to after Mitsuteru had spoken his mind. After Ema had noticed his own hesitation.
Feeling his own body begin to relax, Ema started closing his eyes. He had put an arm around Mitsuteru but made sure not to hold on. Doing so would have been his answer, something that he was not ready to give.
So instead...
I can just let him know that...I won't leave him until I can answer him.
"Hahaha. It sure sounds like something interesting just happened."
"What kind of idiot says that at a time like this?"
"The kind who was worried for his equal. For his friend."
Kageura clicked his tongue and let Murakami continue drying his hair.
The two of them had finished their showers and were enjoying each other's company in the guest bedroom. Murakami had insisted on helping Kageura finish drying his hair while they spoke.
"I don't know Ariake as well as you do. But I know Ema much better than you do. So I can only do so much for Ariake."
"That's fine. In truth, I don't really know how much more I can do for him. He's grown up and matured into his own by this point."
"You sound like a dotting parent."
"Haha. I guess I do," said Murakami. His relaxed smile was behind Kageura, but it was evident in his tone.
Yuki and Kanda had already gone to sleep, so neither one of them was speaking too loud. Their voices carried only as far as the door to the room.
"But you know," said Murakami again. "I trust you to look out for the both of them."
"That sounds like a lot of trouble."
And it probably was.
But...
"You aren't the type to just let this go."
"And you aren't the type to manipulate people."
"That's right." Murakami lightly moved the towel across his head to clear the remaining water from his hair. "So I'm going to be asking you as a friend. Can you do me a favor?"
"Depends on what it is. If it's annoying, then I'm going to deny it."
Both of them knew that this much was fair.
After everything they had all been through, asking too much from any one person would ruin the new balance they had made. Asking too little of their group as a whole would have the same end result. Both of them knew this, so both of them were ready.
"Can you not give him empty words or promises?"
"What kind of stupid request is that?"
His answer had never changed from the start.
"Of course I wouldn't do that kind of crap. Yuki's the one who likes to mess around like that."
"Haha. I guess you're right."
Murakami pulled the towel away and moved his legs to sit with them crossed.
Kageura began standing up and turned around to face him. The smile he had was both directed at him and at something else.
"Since that's the case, let's just all enjoy ourselves."
He could only snort at that before throwing the towel at Murakami's face.
"Idiot. That's what we're already doing. The two of us, that idiot in the other room, and even..."
There were too many people to name.
Everyone seemed to have decided on what they wanted to do moving forward. To name everyone, it would have taken the whole night.
Kageura grinned at nothing in particular when he thought about it.
I don't like who I'm going to have to deal with in this exam, but there's no way I'm going to let that get to me. Not when there are a bunch of dangerous people who are going to be our opponents.
Three others in the house would be on opposing squads. Two of them would be the captains of their own squads. Not being able to face them right now would only put him back during the exam itself.
So he would face them.
"Both here and there, I'll face you all. So make sure to do the same."
Murakami moved the towel from his head and nodded.
"Of course."