12511. Do not prank Headquarters personnel. Especially not those with the clerical power to doom us all. The instigator is just lucky the surprise attack happened.
In other news, please welcome the latest Allied Abyssal, Remmie, and congratulations to Iku, who is on two weeks' recuperation leave.
Rule by ijnfleetadmiral
The thin beam of light cut through the darkness of Admiral Goto's outer office. Aoba glanced quickly around the room and found what she was looking for, heading over to Oyodo's computer. The light cruiser had had a few words for her a few days ago when Aoba had played paparazzi when Oyodo and Akashi were celebrating their recent anniversary at one of the more fancier restaurants just outside the base, and Aoba's complaining that the 'people had a right to know' hadn't washed with either Oyodo or Admiral Goto, the latter of whom handed down to Aoba a whole week of kitchen detail.
Admiral Goto was also on Aoba's 'Not My Favorite Person List', but that would be as far as it went; sure, she could probably prank him good, but the fallout would not be pretty.
Especially since would come in the form of a tea-drinking fast battleship, Aoba thought. No way am I gonna do something to warrant a visit from that.
"Let's see what secrets you're hiding…" the self-proclaimed intrepid investigative reporter murmured to herself as the machine loaded, only to be faced with a problem.
Damn…password protected. All I can do is try, right? Hmm…
The heavy cruiser racked her brain for possibilities. SupplyGirl? Nah…too cliché. LightCruisersRule? No, that's just dumb. OhYodoDess? She stifled a giggle. That would be sooo ironic if that was correct. Hmm…there's gotta be something…
A thought suddenly came to her. Could it be that simple? She reached over and typed on the keyboard.
I3PoohBear
She hit 'Enter' and was stunned when the Windows 10 screen flashed 'Welcome'.
Seriously? She stifled another giggle and grinned as the home screen appeared. Now down to business.
Ten minutes later, and Aoba considered herself horribly disappointed. There was nothing personal of Oyodo's on the computer, just innumerable files full of regulations, OPORDS, report formats, and the like.
God, it's enough to put you to sleep, the heavy cruiser groused. She was just about to shut the computer down and call her intrepid dirt-digging mission a failure when opportunity said hello. A spreadsheet file in the lower right corner of the screen caught her eye:
A positively evil idea came to Aoba's mind, and she reached for the mouse, moving the cursor over to the document and clicking on it, as the Microsoft Excel program loaded, the reporter giggled to herself.
The following day, Oyodo hit 'save' and then 'print', finishing up the latest in the seemingly never-ending stream of interoffice memos.
Might as well do some tweaking on the budget, she mused. I'm sure there's a few areas that need some fine-tuning.
She clicked on the document and it loaded. However, it did not show line after line of numbers and amounts and various funds. All it showed was one page, with words in big bold writing.
Hopefully, this proves that silencing the press is not the answer. Thanks for playing along!
A muscle twitched under Oyodo's left eye.
The first indication Admiral Goto had that something was yet again amiss on his naval base was the guttural, insane scream of rage erupting from his outer office. The second indication was his office door, the frame, and part of the wall crashing down to reveal a seemingly feral Oyodo.
Goto was petrified. He knew that Oyodo would normally not harm a hair on his head, but even a blind person could see that Oyodo was not in at the moment, and messages were not currently being taken. Thankfully, he did have some protection, as Kongo – who had been lying on the couch nearby while reading one of her numerous Regency romance novels – leapt in front of him, ready to defend him. But Oyodo walked right past them, and with another insane roar slammed both her hands against the window frame, shattering it and sending both frame and window crashing to the ground below. Oyodo followed, apparently having decided that making her own exit was quicker than the elevator or stairs. The light cruiser let out another insane shriek before stalking off towards the cruiser dorms.
"What?" Kongo tilted her head cutely in confusion.
Goto watched her go with a sigh. He knew one day someone would do something that would cause Oyodo to snap, and it looked like that day had finally arrived.
I wonder what it was…
Before he could give voice to the thought, the worst possible thing that could happen happened. The raid sirens went off, signaling an Abyssal attack on the Naval Base itself.
The sirens rang too late at the Shore Patrol station, for seconds after they'd first sounded, the door burst open to reveal a Light Cruiser Demon.
"Knock-knock!" the twisted being laughed sadistically, only to be confronted by Iku, who had stopped by to convince Noriko to take a 'long lunch'.
"Back off!" the submarine growled, aiming her 5-inch deck gun – really the only weapon she had while on land – at the evil creature.
The Light Cruiser Demon laughed for a second, though she inwardly gave the sub-girl credit for standing up to such a powerful being like herself with only a single puny weapon for offense. Your bravery is commendable, yet foolish. Time for you to see the error of your ways!
She reached out and knocked the submarine aside with a powerful shove, sending Iku crashing into the wall, where she slid to the floor, momentarily stunned. Her deck gun skittered across the floor, well out of reach.
Seeing this, the Abyssal grinned sadistically. "Perhaps a snack before I finish off the humans. I shall feast on your flesh, shipgirl!"
It's said that in times of crisis and extreme stress that people can accomplish near-impossible feats of strength beyond all human endurance, and this certainly was the case for Lieutenant Noriko Kamata. Seeing her girlfriend threatened by one of their enemies, she reached over and grabbed Iku's deck gun. Normally, humans would not be able to lift such a thing, let alone operate it, but Noriko lifted it with ease and ran towards the Light Cruiser Demon.
"GET AWAY FROM MY FIANCÉE, YOU BITCH!"
She rammed the barrel of the gun against the side of the Abyssal's head and pulled the trigger.
That day, everyone in the shore patrol office learned that a 5-inch gun up close and personal did about the same amount of damage as one of Yamato's shells would do when fired from long range. That is, a lot. The Light Cruiser Demon's head exploded, spraying the wall with blood, brains, bits of bone, and lots of black ichor. The body collapsed in a heap, leaving Noriko standing over it, glowering like a madwoman possessed. When she realized the heap of death was no longer a threat, her adrenaline rapidly wore off, and she dropped the deck gun with a 'thud'.
She then noticed everyone else in the office gaping at her like they'd never seen her before. Her Commanding Officer, Commander Jitsuo Taneda, shakily got to his feet, followed by the rest of her coworkers. Then, one by one, they started to applaud. Noriko blushed heavily, nodding in thanks, but she only had eyes for one person, who by now was on her feet as well.
"Fiancée, huh?" Iku smirked, though the sheen to her eyes told Noriko how happy she was.
Noriko nodded and grinned back. "I have the ring hidden in our quarters. If you'll have me, that is."
Iku's response was to try and remove Noriko's tonsils with her tongue.
The Re-class battleship headed deeper into the human base. Her Princess had ordered her and a fleet of destroyers and PT imps to give the humans a surprise, but the Re knew what it really was: her last chance at life. Recently, the Re had not been performing up to the standards her Princess had set and had been threatened on more than one occasion to either improve or be 'recycled'.
She shuddered at the thought of 'recycling', which was another way of dealing with cripples, irreparable damages, or underperforming personnel. To make matters worse, the Princess had sent her most bloodthirsty Light Cruiser Demon along as the Re's second-in-command to be her eyes and ears on the mission. The Re knew what would happen when they got back if she didn't put up a good showing here today; the Light Cruiser Demon had expounded on that fact at great length en route to battle. However, upon their hitting the shore, the Light Cruiser Demon had gone off on her own, targeting a small building near the shore. About three minutes after she'd entered, a loud explosion had occurred inside, and the Demon had not reemerged. The Re saw this as a good omen…perhaps she could escape her Princess' rule here!
Now if only I could find one of those shipgirls…
Her thoughts were realized when she saw one storming towards her. However, this shipgirl did not look like she was in the mood to be civil. Nevertheless, the Re decided she had to try, and so she stepped into the crazed shipgirl's path.
"I must speak with your leader. Please take me to him."
The response she got was a feral shriek and the shipgirl's hands reaching for her.
Uh-oh…
The attack was soon over; both large combatants that had been with the Abyssal fleet had apparently been destroyed in the opening minutes of the battle and after that the destroyers and PT imps had rapidly lost confidence, gradually retreating to the shore again before turning and fleeing back out to sea, shots from various shipgirls chasing them out of range.
Goto and Kongo walked slowly through the battle area, dodging puddles of ichor and pieces of Abyssal metal. A scream from nearby turned their attention in that direction, only to find Oyodo choking Aoba like Homer Simpson did to Bart on numerous occasions.
"GIVE ME MY BUDGET!" the light cruiser snarled.
"I can fix it! I can fix it! It's not deleted…I made a copy on my flash drive! I can fix it!" Aoba was begging for her life.
Goto sighed. Figures it would be Aoba who set her off. I'd ask, 'what next?' but in my case that's just asking for trouble.
"Excuse me."
Goto glanced down and nearly jumped out of his skin at the sight of a Re-class battleship that had been twisted into a pretzel. Normal people would've run screaming. However, it said something for the stress level of his job when he quickly recovered and merely replied, "Can I help you?"
"Why is the one with glasses attempting to suffocate the sandy-haired one with her bare hands?"
The Admiral sighed. "It's a long story," he replied. "What's your deal?"
"I wish to speak to the leader of his base," the Re replied. "I want to surrender and will give any information I can. I am tired of fighting." She paused before adding, "I attempted to ask the one with glasses where the leader of this base was, but she emitted a rather insane shriek and twisted me into this form."
Goto cringed. "I sincerely apologize for that. I'm Admiral Goto Isoroku, the leader of this base, and before we do any official business, we need to let our repair ship look at you to get you…'un-rearranged'."
The Re nodded. "That is acceptable."
Goto pulled out his cellphone, only for the head of the Shore Patrol, Commander Taneda, to run up to him and start babbling excitedly about something to do with Lieutenant Kamata. Meanwhile, the Re watched these goings-on with the same emotionless expression.
Suddenly, a teacup and saucer appeared in front of her face. She glanced up to see the shipgirl that had been with Goto holding it and smiling.
"It's Tea Time, Dess!" She then appeared to notice something and began rummaging in her pockets. "Not the most appropriate measure, but needs must," she muttered to herself, pulling out a plastic straw and sticking one end in the cup, angling the other end towards the Re's mouth.
"Thank you," the Re stated, and sipped the drink. She was surprised when a sense of calm began washing over her, as though she knew she'd made the right decision and would be safe with these humans. The shipgirl smiled cheerily at her.
"Tea fixes everything, Dess."
Right then, the Re was inclined to believe her.
Three days later, Goto listened as Noriko stated she was using up some of her accumulated leave to look after Iku.
"That's fine…take good care of her."
Noriko smiled and nodded, the ribbon for her newly awarded 1st Defensive Memorial Cordon standing out proudly on her uniform. "I'll be back on duty in two weeks, sir." She turned to the door and then paused, looking back at the Admiral. "Sir, Iku wanted me to mention this during our meeting…would you officiate the ceremony for us?"
Goto smiled, touched. "It would be my honor. Go enjoy your leave, Lieutenant Commander Kamata."