13093: Our apologies to the scientists who have only just now realized that a ship's name can play a role in how they act.
There were days, most of them now it seemed like, when Admiral Briggs hated his job. Dealing with supervolcanoes, mad scientists and Sparky were bad enough. But it seemed that not even one of his most modern and thus supposedly sensible girls was immune from being insane. Whoever suggested that young shipgirls were sensible was not on Briggs' Christmas list any more. The Admiral looked over the latest reports given to him by various people under his command. The reports formed a dossier of the weird and wacky.
"Oh. My. God..." Briggs said.
"I don't see what the problem is." said the shipgirl in front of him. USS Portland was a new summons and one of the few on base who's original hull was still afloat and actively serving. But she had already built up a list of complaints longer than Iowa's. A fact that bewildered and amused the battleship in equal measure.
Briggs could not believe what he was hearing. Did she not know even half of what she did? "Seriously?! You spooned a stranger for 5 hours, your room is full of clowns, don't get me started on your donuts challenge!" He growled.
"So?" Portland shrugged nonchalantly.
"You've turned the game room into some kind of antique arcade!"
"And what's so bad about a little Pack Man?"
"Your attempt at ice cream sent the destroyers into a riot, again!"
"I didn't mean for it to come out looking like actual marrow!"
"You've turned your surplus store into an antique store. Or combined the two, I can't really tell. Your haunted hotel makes Hornet green with envy. HORNET! You went on a bike ride through the middle of the city, naked! Completely naked!"
"I like how how the passage of the wind feels on my genitals."
"You snuck a keg into the movie theater." Oh and hadn't that been a headache to deal with. Putting aside the whole 'Bible Belt' issue in Virginia, the questions from the destroyers and the angry momboats were enough to keep Briggs occupied for days!
"Kidd pulls out bottles of rum at staff meetings."
"You dressed up as Santa last week, even though its the middle of summer!" Logic failed Briggs on that one.
"Hey it's good for morale!" Portland huffed.
"You bribed one of the subthiefs to steal the Portlandia Statue."
"It's technically my statue since I was named for the city." Portland crossed her arms and stared him down.
"And that's just the first page." Briggs sighed, setting aside the file. He feared if he read anymore, he'd lose his sanity altogether. "And this is all normal to you?"
"Normal? What's normal?" Portland looked genuinely confused.
"Just go. And please try to do what everyone else does." Briggs practically begged.
"Oh Admiral." Portland smiled, a touch of pity in her tone. "My dear, dear Admiral. What fun is that?" And then she was gone.
Briggs wasted no time making a dent into his liquor stash.