13821. Please stop trying to reassure Moskva by comparing her service to the Pacific Derp Squadron. She's now convinced she was doomed at keel-laying.

"AADDDMIRRRALLLLL!" Hearing Hammann's cry made Briggs groan. The destroyer was not easily phased by anything so to hear her crying out for the Admiral naturally set everyone within earshot on alert.

Wright entered the office first followed closely by the destroyer. Briggs' secretary was sporting a deep frown. The Admiral sighed, bracing himself. "Okay, what earthending event has occurred now?" He asked.

"Craven may have started a rumor regarding the Pacific Derp Squadron." Hammann said.

Briggs frowned. That group of ships sometimes made Willie D look tame. Anything involving them needed to be handled with care. "What kind of rumor?" He asked.

Wright stepped forward now. "You know how destroyers can be as impressionable as they are eager to please?" She asked. At Briggs' nod she continued on. "Well apparently Craven walked in on Wisconsin and Moskva's therapy session."

FLASHBACK, THREE HOURS EARLIER

Wisconsin liked the progress Moskva was displaying. The Russian showed a remarkable ability to desensitize herself to the sight of spiders although they still needed work on closer examination. The biggest problem now was the cruiser's self esteem. If there was anything lower than the Mariana's Trench, Moskva's ego would be it.

Granted, if the battleship had failed to notice two antiquated subsonic missiles that she could've destroyed from well over the horizon, she'd feel pretty shitty too. But Moskva's low self-esteem was hindering her progress and something needed to be done. Wisconsin took a break from listening to Moskva's grumbles of how useless she was to look at Midway who was in the corner taking notes.

Sensing the battleship's gaze, the carrier looked up and offered her a nod. The two grinned, settling on the perfect tale to cheer their patient up.

"Moskva, do you know anything about The List?" Wisconsin said.

Moskva stopped talking and stared at the battleship. "I was the flagship of the Black Sea Fleet. As such it was part of my duty to stay on top of kanmusu shenanigans, lest they interfere with my command. I had a few shipgirls stationed with my fleet."

"Then you know the tale of the Pacific Derp Squadron and the Abyssals?" Wisconsin asked.

Moskva shuddered. "I never thought I would feel sorry for the demons. Comrade Aurora was in hysterics for days." She said.

"So you know their history and why they're called the Derp Squadron?" Midway chimed in now.

"Vaguely." Moskva replied. She was not what one could consider a student of history. Her interests lay more in the here and now. And it's not like she had personally interacted with those girls in any case to ask.

"Well, to summarize. The Pacific Derp Squadron is considered by some to be the grandmother of Willie D." Wisconsin said before regaling Moskva with tales of the fleet's various mishaps and incidents.

At the same time, Craven was wondering the halls in search of some juicy gossip to soak up. The Wisconsin Incident was just the latest in a string involving the impressionable destroyer. She'd just gotten to the third floor of the battleship barracks when she heard voices. Curiosity drew her in and she pressed her ear to Wisconsin's door.

"...I suppose I'm not as bad as they are but it's not like they failed their whole designs, humiliated their country, and provided a platform from which to further a war which never should've broken out in the first place! All in one day!" The heavy Russian accent indicated it was Moskva speaking.

Midway's soft tones were heard now. "Oh I dunno, sinking an entire Abyssal island plus all the Abyssals on it when they themselves are also Abyssals is quite the feat." She said.

"You could become part of the Derp Squadron and there will still be ships who are more accident prone than you." Wisconsin added.

Craven pulled back, a thoughtful look on her face. On one hand, Moskva clearly needed cheering up. On the other, her service was more than worthy of being included in the Derp Squadron. Actually, several ships here were worthy of it. Now if Craven could get enough support for a new Norfolk Derp Squadron which included Moskva, Willie D and Houston then maybe the Russian cruiser wouldn't feel so alone. Misery always loved company and seeing the antics of her squadronmates up close would do wonders for her own self-esteem. With her plan in mind, Craven set off.

END FLASHBACK

It was only through the barest of margins that Briggs did not plant his face into his desk. "How bad is the fallout?" He asked.

Hammann winced. "Well some ships are clambering for there to be a Norfolk Derp Squadron, something about how 'we put a man on the moon, we can be more derpier than the Russians'. Yeah I know, shipgirl logic. Gotta love it. Anyway, Moskva has gone well past three and is currently five sheets to the wind. She's currently on her fourth bar, having completely dried up the first three which sorry Admiral, is on the base's tab. Wisconsin is coordinating with her sister's to keep an eye on her as she moves about and make sure she doesn't cause any, problems."

"I see." Briggs sighed. Well it could've been worse.

"There is one more thing Admiral." Wright added. "I've kept them at bay so far with updates on her condition and why it would be a very bad idea to send her back but the Russians are getting antsy."

"I'll handle them." Briggs sighed, reaching for his phone. Some things never changed for an Admiral and putting out political fires before they appeared was one of them. Didn't mean he enjoyed it. Still, he'd be slagged before he permitted the opportunity to lord it over the Russians that their star flagship had come to an American base, requesting asylum no less, to pass. It was the least he could do to pay them back for starting a conflict no one had any tolerance for.