It was a bright late summer day when Megumin and the rest of her Defense Against the Dark Arts class gathered on the edge of the lake. Something had gotten a bee under Aqua's proverbial bonnet, and apparently instead of learning arts and crafts they were actually going to learn something related to the class title.
Aqua was standing on a large rock over the lake, and began to lecture the twenty students gathered around her. "Alright everyone, I know that you all know me for being a super amazing idol singer, but in reality, I am actually a super powerful goddess who formerly defeated the Devil King!"
"I thought Megumin was the one who defeated the Dark Lord," Dean said, frowning over at her. "Couple times now, really."
"Yes, Megumin is one of my best buds, so of course she has!" Aqua said, smiling and nodding at Megumin. "She's an Arch Wizard of the Crimson Demon Clan, you know!"
"How could we forget? She says it every five minutes," Kazuma said with a smirk.
"Well, today, you are super lucky that all four of the Legendary Adventurers who defeated the Devil King are here today!" Aqua continued. "So, we'll take you all on an epic quest, and show you how to beat up bad guys, save the day, and get super rich!"
"Did you say super rich?" Kazuma demanded, his head snapping around to Aqua and his taunting forgotten.
"Yes, but no turning back into a hikki-NEET once you get rich, Kazuma," Aqua sniffed. She hopped down off the boulder and pointed. "Come on! Let's go find some monsters!"
It didn't take very long to locate a suitable monster on the edge of the lake. As they walked, Aqua suddenly pointed to a bed of reeds in the shallows. "There! I sense a vile presence, a wicked creature of the dark!"
"It's just a bunch of reeds," Kazuma said, bending over skeptically to examine them. He let out a sudden yell when long, sickly green tendrils reached out and wrapped around him, dragging him into the water.
"HANDS OFF MY BEST BUDDY!" Aqua roared, and dove into the water. She grabbed Kazuma, lifting him out of the water, then shouted, "SACRED EXORCISM!"
There was a flash of blue light, and a squeal of pain. Dozens of creatures with long fingers and mouths full of needlepoint fangs rose up out of the water, writhing in agony. They vanished to foam and mud at the touch of Aqua's spell, keening in despair.
"Hmph, be more careful, Kazuma!" Aqua scolded, hoisting him up out of the water and tossed him onto the shore. "Those are Water Oni! They're bad news! If they grab you, they'll drag you underwater and drown you and eat you."
"Their proper name is grindylow," Hermione said in a lecturing tone. "They're a minor dark creature that inhabits lakes, streams, and riversbanks. They prefer to hide in still, shallow water, where they will grab nearby victims and drown them."
"Well, they're demons, so they're totally bad!" Aqua declared. "Did you all see how to handle them?"
"Yes, but I've never heard of the spell 'sacred exorcism,'" Lavender said, holding up her wand and looking uncertain.
"It's not in our textbooks," Megumin confirmed. "But it sounds like the Exorcise spell from the Player's Handbook. It's a cleric abjuration school spell."
"Yep! I can grant it to all my clerics!" Aqua said, nodding. "Purification spells like that are all totally my domain, since I'm a super awesome water goddess."
"You're really a goddess?" Hermione asked, sounding completely incredulous.
"Will they really grab us if we go near the water?" Draco said, looking concerned and trying to hide behind Aqua as he used his wand to dry off the still sputtering Kazuma.
"Not while I'm around!" Aqua said, puffing her chest out proudly. "Hmm, but I'm already max level, so it's not fair for me to take all of them. Tell you what! If you all sign up to follow the Axis Cult right now, I'll grant you the Sacred Exorcism spell and you can all be my clerics!"
"No thanks, I'm an Arch-Wizard, which is cooler than a regular wizard," Megumin said, shaking her head. "After all, those water demons are no match for the power of Explosion magic!"
"Um, I'm already a member of the Axis Cult," Lavender admitted hesitantly. "I, er, joined your fan club. Even if you did say those nasty things about Mr. Lockhart, I really like your music."
"Then come forth, Lavender Brown," Aqua said. Something about her suddenly changed, her jovial tone vanishing. Aqua reached up her hands, and a staff with a large blooming rose at its head appeared in them as a pink mantle settled on her shoulders from nowhere.
Hesitantly, Lavender stepped forward, then as if on instinct, knelt before Aqua, bowing her head.
"I anoint you as a priestess of the Axis Cult," Aqua said in formal tones. She cupped her hands, and water appeared there, which she gently poured over Lavender. "As a priestess, you must fulfill your duty to spread the word of Aqua, and of the Seven Goddesses."
"I...I will," Lavender stammered, wiping away the water that trickled down over her face.
"You will spread joy and love: remember, the Axis Cult accepts everyone, no matter who they are, or what their desires are," Aqua said, her tone still strangely solemn.
"I will bring joy to the world, and love to all," Lavender promised, her normally brown eyes glowing slightly blue.
"You must purify that which is tainted, and heal those who are hurt; do not charge for this, it is a gift from me to humanity," Aqua ordered.
"All shall be healed, and I shall cleanse evil from this world," Lavender said seriously.
"And remember, if life is too tough, just give up! It's not your fault; Blame society!" Aqua continued
"The Axis Cult can get things done, so it's not our fault when we fail!" Lavender agreed, jumping up.
"NOW! SLAY THE DEMONS!" Aqua roared.
"DEFEAT THE DEVIL KING!" Lavender shrieked. Then she charged off down the shoreline, to where another patch of reeds lay.
"Wait, Lav, no!" Parvati cried, running after her friend. "The grindylows will get you!"
Long fingers reached out for Lavender, but she reached into her robes, and drew out the silver pendant Aqua had given her. She held up aloft and shouted, "Sacred Exorcism!"
A small beam of blue light shot out of the pendant and struck the grindylow, making it squeal in pain, then dissolve to muck.
"Ha! The Axis Cult prevails!" Aqua cheered. She looked around at the rest of her rather flabbergasted students gaping at her.. "Who else wants to join today!?"
"Sorry, um, I serve Eris," Darkness admitted, showing a silver coin pendant from under her own robes.
"I'm an atheist," Hermione sniffed. "I don't believe in such silly superstitions."
"I SERVE ONLY EXPLOSIONS!" Megumin declared. "THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN WILL NOT FALL BEHIND IN THIS KILL QUEST! Come, we must prove that wizards are totally better than clerics!"
"Wait, so, we just have to kill the grindylows?" Dust asked, scratching his head in confusion.
"Yep!" Aqua jumped atop a mossy green boulder, taking out her fans. "That's your first lesson! Slay the demons, and defeat the Devil King!"
"Sweet! Come on guys, let's see how many we can bag!" Dust said eagerly, taking out not his wand, but a sawed off broomstick with a sharpened end he'd somehow hidden in his robes.
Most of the students reluctantly started down towards the water, Aqua cheering them on. The grindylows were not terribly hard to kill or drive off, as even the most minor of severing charms or jinxes could get them to go away.
At first, Megumin contented herself with causing a few geysers with confringo and pompari and blowing grindylows to bits. Ron used the severing charm with Hermione, both of them crying "Diffendo!" and cutting the fingers of any grindylows that reached for them.
Darkness just seemed to enjoy letting them grab at her, then using her prodigious strength to break free. She even let the grindylows drag her into the water, where she easily wrested free, then wrestled a few of them. "Ha! You are no match for me, fiend! Though you grasp and grab at me, I shall not allow you to prevail!"
Most of the other students used a mix of knockback jinxes, minor hexes, and other spells, though the water gave them trouble. Lavender had to rescue a few of her classmates who got too close to the water and were nearly pulled in, but her Exorcism spell was more than enough to slay the weak water devils.
All the while, Aqua stood on top of her smooth boulder and cheered, apparently having the time of her life.
Then, Megumin got bored.
"Killing one or two grindylows at a time isn't efficient," she muttered. "I bet I could get all of them at once."
"Huh?" Ron said, looking up. "Oh yeah, you probably could, though it'd be best to not blow up the whole lake."
Megumin considered this, then nodded. "A Crimson Demon must find beauty in control, not just in the sheer size of her Explosion, no matter how glorious."
Chuckling, Ron nodded. "Yeah, bet you could put one in space to go with your uncle's grill, eh?"
"Of course! Now, prepare yourselves!" Megumin closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and posed, her cape fluttering behind her.
Oh, blackness shrouded in light,
Frenzied blaze clad in night...
"EVERYONE OUT!" Hermione screamed as soon as she heard Megumin chanting. "EVERYONE AWAY FROM THE WATER!"
"Oh stuff it, Granger, you're just jealous that we're beating you," Blaise Zambini taunted. "Right, Draco? Draco?"
Draco, having witnessed an Explosion before, was not taking any chances. He sprinted for the boulder Aqua was standing on, and dove behind it. Since he was the adventuresome sort, Dust planted his spear and stood grimly on the shoreline, looking out to where the glowing circles were forming.
In the name of the crimson demons,
let the collapse of thine origin manifest.
As for Kazuma, he wasn't an idiot, so he ran right for Darkness.
"Fiend!" she gasped. "What are you-"
"Shut up and make your shield!" Kazuma cried, clearly half panicked as he crouched behind her.
Darkness complied, raising up a glowing barrier. Hermione and Ron joined Kazuma behind the shield, while their classmates with decent survival skills ran for the hills.
Summon before me the root of thy power hidden within the lands
of the kingdom of demise!
"Ooo, this is gonna be a good one!" Aqua said excitedly, and put on a pair of sunglasses to admire the fireworks.
EXPLOSION!
True to her word, Megumin made it a small Explosion. For her. It was the equivalent of dropping a five hundred pound depth charge into the lake. The massive fireball and shockwave sent a virtual tsunami crashing over the students near the lakeshore, and sending those students who had still been running sprawling from the blastwave and tremors.
"Ha! Take...that...demons…" Megumin slumped to the muddied ground, once more drained of all vitality for the moment and feeling a sense of lassitude and completeness as the waves lapped at her.
"Bloody hell, I think you got every one of those Grindylows," Ron said, looking out from behind Darkness. "Oh hell, come here." He ran over and grabbed Megumin, hoisting her onto his back.
"How many...points…" Megumin asked him.
"I dunno, where's Professor Mizu?" Ron asked
Aqua was cheering and jumping up and down atop her boulder, waving her fans excitedly. "That was a nice one, Megumin! It's always good to- EEP!"
Suddenly, the boulder moved. Aqua went sprawling arse over teakettle as she tumbled down off of her perch, which rose up and let out a great sound.
RIBBIT.
"NOT THIS TIME!" Aqua screamed, jumping up off the ground and tossing her muddied blue hair over her shoulders. She held up her wand. "This time, I'm prepared you ugly old frog!"
"They're toads," Hermione muttered, trying to wring out her soaked robe.
"FACE NOW THE FURY OF A GODDESS SCORNED!" Aqua roared, raising her glowing wand. "TASTE REVENGE FOR A HUNDRED LIFETIMES OF HUMILIATION! EXPELLIARMUS!"
A red light shot out of the tip of Aqua's wand and crashed into the toad, which let out a panicked croak. Then, the red light pressed into the creature's belly, making it rear up in panic. And, then, because toads can't be disarmed by a disarming charm, the red light bounced right off of the toad's fat and smacked right back into Aqua's face. Her wand was ripped from her hands, where it went spinning off over the churning waters of the lake, and vanished with a plop.
Aqua blinked at her empty hand, then up at the toad. She hid her hands behind her back and smiled. "Um, you know, as a water goddess, technically, amphibians are under my domain so-"
The toad dropped down and slurped Aqua up into its mouth. Muffled screams could be heard as it lifted her flailing legs into the air, and began to swallow.
"Lady Aqua!" Lavender wailed. "I'll save you! Sacred Exorcism!"
Toads, not being demons, are unaffected by an exorcism spell. Lavender could only blink in confusion. It was uncertain if her choice of attack was a result of her new religion, or if she just wasn't all that clear headed to begin with. Another giant toad, awoken by the spell, spared everyone the need to contemplate the matter further by shooting out its tongue, and dragging a screaming Lavender into its maw.
"K-KAZUMAAAAA!" Draco screamed as a long sticky tongue reached out for him. "HEEEEEEELP!"
More giant toads, awoken by Megumin's spell, rose up out of the lake or from under the ground. Irritated and hungry at their sudden disturbance, they began to eat up the second year students without much fanfare. Only Hermione, Ron, Dust, Darkness, and the mostly comatose Megumin were spared.
"Well," Dust said, spinning his broom handle. "Looks like we've got our work cut out for us.
"Megumin! Megumin, now would be a good time for another Explosion!" Ron cried as he dodged away from more creatures. However, his passenger's only response was, "Snnerk. Blow 'em up. Later. Tired."
"We must save our friends!" Darkness declared. She drew from her robes the heater shield Wiz had given her, and strapped it to her arm. "Face justice, beasts!"
"Why is it always me?" Kazuma complained. "Sheesh. Buncha idiots, getting themselves eaten."
"Just make sure to use severing charms," Hermione urged. "Their fat would make them resistant to bludgeoning-"
Hermione paused, watching as Darkness climbed atop the toad that had Aqua in its mouth, and began to beat it to death with her shield. The girl's blows were awkward and clumsy, but her prodigious strength and the metal edge of the shield soon caved in the beast's skull.
"Never mind. Just do it like this." Hermione posed on the balls of her feet, extended one hand, and shouted, "LIGHT OF SABER!"
A blade of plasma skewered the toad that had Draco, cutting it in half and freeing the slimy Slytherin.
"That looks too complicated." Kazuma pointed his wand at a toad and shouted, "Diffendo!"
It took a while to free everyone, but fortunately no one was actually eaten by toads. They had everyone out (but very slimy) just as Dumbledore ran up, Snape hot on his heels.
Aqua was sitting in a pool of toad slime, sobbing and wailing, most of her students sprawled around her.
"What is the meaning of this?!" Dumbledore gasped, panting and out of breath.
"Well, Professor Mizu was teaching us to defeat Grindylows," Draco sniffled, trying in vain to get the toad mucus out of his hair. He gave up and slumped down in the muck. "But then that maniac Megumin blew up the lake and giant toads just started popping up everywhere."
"They ate me! The stupid things ate me! Again!" Aqua blubbered.
"And you call yourself a Defense Professor?" Snape sneered, looking around at the carnage. "You can't even fight off a few mindless beasts."
At that, Aqua stood up, a malevolent gleam in her eyes. "I'd like to see you fight off a giant toad, Snivellus!"
"Was anyone hurt?" Dumbledore asked, ignoring the byplay.
"Yeah but I healed 'em," Aqua assured him, her earlier sorrow forgotten as she sidled towards Snape.
"Healed them?" Dumbledore asked, perplexed.
"Please sir, it was just Seamus, he broke his arm when the toad bit him," Lavender said. "The professor showed me how and I healed his arm."
"What!? You!? Miss Brown, healing an arm is a delicate task!" Dumbledore gasped. "Where is Mr. Finnigan?! Is his arm-"
"It's alright sir, good as new," Seamus assured Dumbledore, flexing the limb in question. "Thought I was a goner for sure, but Dust saved me."
"Yep!" Dust hoisted his bloodied stick onto his shoulder. "Toad slaying is a piece of cake, the Professor showed me how!"
"She did?" Dumbledore turned just in time to see Aqua suddenly jump on Snape and give him a big hug.
"Euck! Get off of me, woman!" Snape growled, trying and failing to get out of the bear hug.
"Oh, Snape, you know how much us Professors are buddies! Let me hug you!" Aqua laughed, rubbing herself all over Snape and coating him and his robes thoroughly with putrid slime and blood.
"Off, off, off!" Snape wailed, dragging Aqua around as he tried to break free. He suddenly tripped over his own robes in the mud, and fell face first into a toad carcass.
Dumbledore groaned and rubbed his forehead. He was seriously considering some staffing changes.
"You know, I hate to say it, but I think I learned more today about Defense than I did all of last year," Hermione mused as she watched Aqua cackle and Snape squirm.
Dumbledore turned to her, blinking. "Pardon?"
"Yeah, this is loads better than sitting around and reading from the book," Ron agreed. "I actually learned how to defeat two foes today. Kinda fun, really."
"Honestly? Same," Parvati agreed, looking around at the devastation. "I'll take this over having class with You-Know-Who any day."
Dumbledore considered this, then sighed. He turned to Aqua. "Very well, Miss Mizu. I suppose your methods are unorthodox, if effective. But do try to keep Megumin from causing another detonation like that."
"I object! How do you even know it was me?" Megumin pipped up, apparently waking up from a doze.
"Really, Megumin, could it have been anyone else?" Darkness said with a snort.
Dumbledore gave Megumin a flat look. "Do you deny responsibility for that explosion, Miss Potter?"
"Obviously not! Only I could have created such a beautiful and wonderful Explosion! Did you see how high the waves were? I bet if I tried again I could blow up the whole-"
Dumbledore reached out and plucked Megumin's wand from her robe pocket. "I think not. I will be keeping this for a while. The school rule is very firm: No explosions."
"This is discrimination! Cultural Imperialism! A Crimson Demon must use her Explosion Magic daily or she suffers malnourishment!" Megumin wailed.
"That doesn't even make sense," Ron grumbled. "Keep that up and you can walk back to the castle yourself."
"Um, I don't think I can walk right now, so please carry me back," Megumin said, suddenly much meeker.
Everyone slogged back to the castle, the students learning several new and creative words from Snape, who muttered darkly under his breath the entire way. Aqua, for her part, looked rather happy.
Dumbledore just wondered what sort of calamity would befall them next.
Though he did pull Lavender Brown aside to figure out just how she'd healed an arm better than Madam Pomfrey could have managed.