It was a bright clear Autumn day. There was just a bit of bite to the wind. The trees were starting to change colors, but had not yet lost their leaves entirely. The waters of the lake stirred in the breeze, and Ron Weasley looked out over the quidditch pitch. After taking a deep breath, he turned to face his brothers.
"This is what it all comes down to," Ron said, raising his clenched fist. "One final battle."
Fred and George nodded seriously, their hands clenching around their broom handles.
"Today, we strike down the pretenders, and reclaim what is ours!" Ron shouted, raising his broom over his head. "Victory or death!"
"Victory or death!" Fred and George echoed loudly.
"Oh hell, don't encourage Ollie," Katie Bell sighed, rubbing her temple with one hand.
"It's too late," Angelina groaned, shaking her head. "Potter infected them."
"About bloody time you three started taking this seriously," Oliver Wood said, nodding. "I've been telling you; quidditch is the most important thing you'll ever do."
"Oh shut up, Oliver," Alicia said, elbowing the team Captain. "They're not just doing this for the Quidditch Cup."
"Well why else would they do it?" Oliver asked, looking confused.
"We have to save our sister," Ron declared, posing with his fist over his heart. "By defeating Slytherin, we'll prove to Ginny that Gryffindor is the superior house, and then she'll be begging to join us."
"Especially with Malfoy and Crabbe on the Slytherin team," George agreed.
Fred eyed his twin sideways. "I thought we were just playing along to wind up Ol' Ollie."
"I mean, sure, but I do want to show those Slytherins what for. And pants that prat Kazuma," George explained. "Be fun to knock him off his broom."
"Just make sure you let us get a good lead before you catch the snitch," Oliver told Ron. "Malfoy's no match for our girls, and the other Slytherin chasers aren't much better."
"There's no bloody way I'm letting Kazuma get that snitch," Ron declared. "That Snitch is-"
"-the key to our little sister's good affections," Draco said, poking Kazuma in the chest. "So damn well make sure you get it!"
"Me? Please, I'll smoke Rotten Ron no problem," Kazuma said with a derisive snort. The rest of the Slytherin team was getting dressed and ready for the match, while Draco and Kazuma sat on a bench in the locker room, pulling on their boots.
"You just don't screw up! Even if I catch the snitch, if we're too far behind, what good will it do us?" Kazuma demanded.
Draco flushed and pointed angrily at Kazuma. "Hey! I can score perfectly well! You know damn well I-"
The two boys trailed off, as sniggers filled the air.
"What?" Kazuma asked suspiciously.
"You'll find out," one of the older beaters said with a nasty chuckle.
One of the other chasers tossed her hair over her shoulder. "Morons. As if any of what you do matters."
"What do you mean?" Kazuma demanded. "How could you-"
Just then, Flint breezed in, already dressed in his quidditch uniform. "Right, I talked with good old Bagman. We're the odds on favorites to lose. I convinced him we could pull off a win, so look sharp out there today, boys and girls. Come and get your potions; the payoff today is a juicy one."
"Potions?" Draco asked, even as Kazuma sucked in a breath.
Flint turned and glared at the two boys. "Right, I suppose I have to tell you two idiots now. Quidditch is a crock, and none of us give a rip about it."
Both Draco and Kazuma's mouth's flopped open, and strangled noises escaped their throats. As they gaped, Flint got out vials of potions that glowed with a soft golden light from within his robes. He passed them around to the members of the Slytherin team, who happily began to chug the illegal performance-enhancing drugs.
Slowly, Kazuma's hand reached out, only for Flint to slap his hand away. "Not you. No catching the snitch. Bagman's paying us double if we win, but Gryffindor gets the snitch. Keep Weasley off it until we get a good enough lead."
"But…but that's pure Felix Felicus!" Kazuma gasped. "You…you're all cheating!"
"Don't be daft. Not even Bagman can get us the full stuff. This is watered down," Flint scolded, then took a swig of his potion. "Should be enough to let us stomp the lions though."
"Wait, do you mean…you throw all the games?" Draco asked suspiciously.
"Not all of them, obviously. We have to win enough to keep things interesting," Flint said with a shrug. "But none of us are going to go pro."
"Merlin, no. My mum has a job waiting for me at the Ministry. This is just a way to make a little dosh on the side," one of the Seekers agreed.
"But… but the try outs, and winning, and Ginny-" Kazuma gasped.
Flint was suddenly looming over Kazuma, glaring down at him. "Shut up. You pull this off, and it's 100 galleons in my pocket, and 50 for you. No one gives a damn about what you want. I thought you were smart, Krabbe. So do the smart thing and play along."
Kazuma glared up at Flint for a moment, then finally spat, "Fine! I'll do it!"
"Good. I'd hate for you to have an 'accident,'" Flint said with a mirthless grin. "Right, let's get out there and murder them. It's our lucky day!"
The rest of the Slytherin team laughed and headed out onto the pitch, slapping one another's backs. Kazuma glanced at Draco, who was holding his dimly glowing vial of golden liquid, and looking slightly sick.
"I…What would Ginny think?" Draco asked despondently. "She…she wouldn't…"
"Ginny would want you to win, and kick her three brother's arses," Kazuma pointed out.
Draco grimaced. "Yeah, but…I wanted…my parents are here…And…Yunyun- a-and my other friends!"
Kazuma gave Draco a flat look. "Dust is your only friend aside from me and Ginny and you know it."
"And Dust wouldn't want me to cheat," Draco reasoned. He raised the vial, ready to smash it on the ground.
Kazuma snatched it out of his hand. "What, are you crazy!? Even watered down, this is still crazy valuable! Plus, we could use it later."
"Oh. Right. Don't know what came over me," Draco admitted, blushing a deep red.
"Prat." Kazuma shoved the potion in his robes, then glanced at Draco sideways. "Yunyun, huh? You fancy her?"
"WHAT?! NO! She's-" Draco dissolved into incoherent splutters, but the words "cooties" "girls", and "gross" could be discerned. He finished with, "and she's weird and looks funny!"
"You said it. Come on, let's get out here. Not catch the snitch, he says. I'll shove the damn thing up Flint's arse," Kazuma grumbled, and they made their way out onto the quidditch field.
Once outside, Kazuma hopped up onto his broom and hovered up to eye level with Ron, who proceeded to sneer at him.
"I'll win Ginny back, you'll see. The snitch is mine, Goyle," Ron taunted.
"Don't get your panties in a twist, arsehole," Kazuma grumbled. "It's not even bloody fair."
"Too right. But my Nimbus 1999 is nearly as good as your Nimbus 2001! Chris gave it to me and she's been training me," Ron bragged. "She's the best seeker Hogwarts ever saw. Well, except maybe Charlie."
Kazuma tried to tune out Ron, but he simply continued to get more and more irritated that the other boy was bragging about how he was going to get the snitch. Sneaking a glance at Flint, Kazuma found the captain glaring at him. Flint made a finger rubbing gesture that made Kazuma remember the money, then pounded his fist into his palm as if to indicate what the alternative was.
Kazuma swallowed, then glanced up at the stands. He saw Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy beaming down at both him and Draco. They'd ended up getting Draco a new broom as well, though it was "only" a Nimbus 2000. As if that was some sort of punishment. He'd actually like to make the Slytherins lose, just to piss those two off.
Then his eyes wandered over to Ginny, who was sitting next to Dust in the Slytherin stands. Could he really disappoint his little sister?
He turned back to Ron, making a decision. "Ginny's my sister now, Weasley. So you and Flint can both get stuffed."
Ron gave Kazuma a quizzical look, but that was when Madam Hooch blew her whistle and the game began.
Both boys raced off to search for the snitch as pure mayhem was unleashed behind them. Kazuma had to duck more than one bludger, as Fred and George seemed convinced at first that it was their personal mission in life to render him unconscious. While the Slytherin beaters were strong, they were not nearly as agile nor calculating as Fred and George, who had a preternatural talent for both hitting bludgers right where someone was going to be to cause the most damage, even as the other twin positioned themselves in the right place to hit the bludger before the other team's beater could.
However, Kazuma managed to duck low, and the bludgers always seemed to home in on the Slytherin beaters, meaning they could use them to keep the Gryffindor players busy. Most of the Slytherin shots were directed at Oliver Wood, forcing the Gryffindor keeper to pay more attention to not getting knocked off his broom than defending his goals.
As for the Snake's chasers, they were getting remarkably lucky as well, intercepting quaffles, making passes that seemed impossible, and always seeming to catch Wood off guard to score. Kazuma even noticed that Draco was managing to get in a few points, though he was looking flushed and slightly manic.
Still, the Gryffindor chasers were good, some of the best Hogwarts had seen in years. Even with opponents making plays that should have been impossible, Angelina, Alicia, and Katie were making attempts of their own. Once Wood finally yelled himself hoarse, Fred and George grudgingly consented to try to hit Flint off his own broom. There were several close calls, but Flint was dodging almost effortlessly, and he was making saves that he had no right to. Still, the Lions were making it in at least some of the time, though the score quickly rose to 110-40. Not enough for Flint's plan, but still impressive.
However, Kazuma was focused on finding that snitch. He and Ron circled the field several times, making rude gestures at one another when they passed by, but neither saw it.
Then, just as they were passing in midfield, both of them making faces and obscene noises, a golden glint caught both their eyes near the stands. Both of them turned and sped towards the snitch, hands outstretched as they desperately raced for it.
"Sod off, Weasley, it's mine!" Kazuma shouted.
"Up yours, Krabbe, it's mine!" the redhead retorted.
The snitch buzzed away towards the stands, forcing the two seekers to fly in close proximity. They roughly elbowed and shoved at each other, trying to edge closer. The gap closed between them and the snitch, and Kazuma could nearly feel it in his grasp.
Then, in a flurry of bat-like wings, a small furry shape darted up from behind one of the stands.. With snap, a fling monkey gulped down the snitch in mid air.
Kazuma and Ron pulled to a screeching halt, both gaping at the flying monkey. The primate's right cheek bulged and buzzed as the snitch struggled in its mouth.
"Don't you do it," Kazuma warned the monkey. "Don't you bloody well do it."
The monkey hoovered in midair, studying the boys, cocking its head to one side.
"Hey, nice monkey," Ron said, extending his hand. "You want a banana, boy? A nice, juicy banana? I'll give you a dozen for that."
"I'll give you two dozen!" Kazuma offered. "And peanuts! Monkeys like peanuts, right?"
The monkey tilted its head to the left, moving the snitch around in its cheeks. It touched a finger to its lips, as if pondering spitting the ball out.
"Yes, give it here!" Kazuma said eagerly!
Slowly, the monkey pressed its palm to its mouth, both boys slowly drawing closer, hands eagerly reaching for the snitch.
Then there was a foul smell, and the monkey's other hand moved in a blur. Both boys shrieked as they were coated in feces. They quickly wiped their eyes clean, but what they saw made them wail further.
With a gulp, the monkey swallowed the snitch, then smiled at the poo coated humans. It hooted wildly, then took off in a flurry of wings away from the pitch.
"GET BACK HERE!" Kazuma shouted, while Ron said something not fit for publication.
The monkey flapped across the field, both boys in hot pursuit. Despite their brooms being faster, the flying monkey was far more agile, leading them in tight loops and sharp turns. Somehow, it confused the seekers enough that they rammed one another head on, sending them careening towards the ground.
Thankfully, they pulled up before hitting the unforgiving ground. They peered up just in time for the monkey to wave at them, before darting back into the stands.
"I'M GOING TO SKIN YOU AND WEAR YOU AS A HAT!" Ron roared, and raced off.
"I'M HAVING MONKEY SOUP FOR DINNER!" Kazuma raged, and was off as well.
Both boys now worked together to try to corner the monkey, less concerned about winning the game, and more worried about killing the stupid animal and mounting its head as a trophy. The monkey seemed to sense the murderous intent, and flapped ever more frantically. At last, it flew up underneath one of the stands, the boys in hot pursuit.
"We've got you now!" Kazuma snarled.
Ron nodded, his eyes glittering with fury. "I'll rip that snitch right…out of…your…oh no."
Both boys came to a halt, slowly looking around them. All around them in the shadows of the timbers, wings fluttered, and simian eyes glowed with malevolent light. Their quarry stood perched on a beam, teeth bared in a savage grin.
"I think we should run," Kazuma said breathlessly.
"Capital," Ron agreed. Both boys turned on their brooms just as the flying monkeys shrieked and snarled, leaping after them.
Both screaming at the top of their lungs, Ron and Kazuma burst out of hole, flying for all they were worth. However, the cloud of monkeys behind them soon overwhelmed them, and both boys desperately and blindly tried to fight off the snarling and snapping monkeys that attacked them. They barreled out onto the quidditch pitch, pursued by no fewer than a hundred flying monkeys.
The other quidditch players had just enough time to turn and glance at the impending disaster before they too were assaulted by a primate-ive wave of destruction. Quidditch was forgotten, as was the rivalry between Slytherin and Gryffindor. Flint desperately fought alongside Angelina and Katie, as the Slytherine beaters tried to fight the monkeys attacking them and Oliver Wood. It was, however, hopeless. None of the humans had their wands, and the monkeys were each about the size of a toddler and weighed just as much. Soon, the quidditch players were fleeing or falling to the ground.
Just when Kazuma thought all was lost, and things could not possibly get any worse, he heard the sound of chanting.
"-RISE, RISE, RISE! COME FORTH, MYSTIC DESTRUCTION!"
"-oh hell," Kazuma muttered.
"EXPLOSION!"
The last thing Kazuma saw was a massive fireball, and then the blast wave knocked him and the flying monkeys senseless.
Sometime later, Ron's eyes fluttered open. He found intense red eyes mere inches from his face, and let out a shriek.
"You are awake at last!" Megumin said, leaning back into her seat and looking satisfied. "I was worried that those stupid trash mobs had overwhelmed you. Fortunately for you, I reacted quickly, and laid waste to the beasts!"
"You blew up the quidditch pitch!" Ron gasped in horror, recalling the massive fireball that had burned the quidditch hoops to dust.
"Yes," Megumin said proudly, striking a pose in her own hospital bed. "I saved everyone."
Ron blinked, then frowned. He looked around, not surprised that he was in Madam Pomfrey's infirmary. "Wait. What are you doing here?"
"Well, I may have been standing atop the railing of the viewing box," Megumin admitted, blushing slightly. "And, um, the shockwave of my own spell might have made my precarious footing unstable. And I might have accidentally plummeted to my doom. I just woke up, but I can only assume that my heroic actions saved the day."
Ron considered this. "Did I catch the snitch?"
Megumin shrugged, settling down contentedly in her own blankets. "I don't know. Why were the monkeys after you anyway?"
"Er, one of them ate the snitch. And, um, sort of led Krabbe and me into an ambush," Ron admitted sheepishly.
"Those foul creatures!" Megumin declared. "We must find their nest and root them out!"
"I thought you said you killed them all?" Ron sighed, shaking his head in regret of not getting the snitch.
"Well, obviously, mobs respawn eventually. I'm sure there are plenty more in the Forbidden Forest and other locales, guarding various treasures," Megumin explained.
Before Ron could point out how incredibly stupid that was, and how there really could only be a few dozen monkeys at most, the curtain jerked aside, and a panicked looking Ginny hurried in.
"Ron!" she wailed, and threw herself onto her brother, sobbing.
Ron blinked in surprise, then gently gave Ginny a hug. "It's OK, Gin. I'm fine."
"No thanks to HER," Ginny spat, letting Ron go to glare over his shoulder at Megumin.
"I saved him," Megumin said smugly. "What did you do?"
"Not blow up the whole quidditch pitch and nearly kill everyone on the team!" Ginny growled, clutching Ron protectively. "You maniac! You could have killed everyone!"
"Nonsense. That was only a very small Explosion, carefully calculated to only cause a shockwave and render the stupid monkeys comatose," Megumin huffed.
Ginny rolled her eyes. "Ron, you have to get away from Megumin. She's a menace."
"I mean, she probably did save my life," Ron pointed out. "Those monkeys were going to rip me and everyone else to shreds."
Ginny gave Ron a disbelieving look. "You can't be serious."
"I bet this was all Kazuma's idea anyway," Ron continued. "Those Slytherins would do anything to win. They probably set up the whole thing with the monkeys, and- OW!"
Ron rubbed his arm, where Ginny had just viciously pinched him. "You prat! You two calculated this whole thing to get me to leave Gryffindor, didn't you!"
"No, I didn't, it was Kazuma, I swear!" Ron protested.
"Dumbarse! I just talked to him! He nearly died too! Insensitive prat!"
"Stupid girl!"
Megumin sighed, and closed her eyes. If they were fighting like that, obviously everything was fine. She had fought with Ginny in such a manner more than once. She basked in the knowledge that she had once again, saved the day.
Which lasted right up until Dumbledore arrived with his very best, "I'm not mad, just disappointed, Miss Potter" look. Not even Megumin was immune to that.
On the continent of North America, underneath Cheyenne Mountain, a group of shadowy figures sat around a table, watching glowing screens.
"Do we know who was behind the EMP attack in Scotland yet?" a gruff man in a USAF General's uniform growled.
"Not yet sir. There hasn't been any noticeable uptick in any particles in the atmosphere, or in radiation levels," an analyst replied. "Whatever that weapon was, we don't know who made it. Not yet."
"An attack on the Brits is an attack on NATO, which is an attack on us!" another general snarled, this one in an army uniform. "Whatever unleashed that blast, it was a low level atmospheric detonation that nearly started WWIII!"
"We can only imagine what could unleash that sort of destruction," a third officer agreed. "Thankfully, they only knocked out electronics for a few hundred miles. Their telemetry must have been off for an attack on Edinburgh or London. But just right to take out Cameron Barracks."
"It was clearly a probing attack. We have to be ready for the next one. There was also that explosion in the Midlands this summer. Same sort of mystery device."
"Whoever they are, they seem to want to destroy the British Isles. We can't let our closest ally fall."
And so, the American muggle government, for entirely erroneous reasons, made plans to counter what was clearly the greatest threat to mankind in its entire history.
A twelve year old girl who dreamed of reenacting the Destruction of Alderaan with herself in the role of the Death Star.