Leaves and frozen ground crunched underfoot as Megumin strode confidently forward, waving about Chunchumaru and making most of her classmates flinch or duck out of reflex. She and the rest of her Defense Against the Dark Arts class were out in the Forbidden Forest, as Aqua had gotten a bee in her bonnet about removing the Flying Monkeys from Hogwarts once and for all.

"Ha! My last Explosion destroyed fully five score monkeys!" Megumin bragged as they traipsed past the treeline. "This time, I shall eliminate the entire nest of the filthy brutes!"

"No blowing up the forest!" Hermione said, wagging a finger at Megumin.

"Why? It's the only way to be sure," Ron grumbled, kicking at a drift of half frozen leaves as if there were a monkey hidden inside. "Those bloody menaces have disrupted quidditch! It's our sacred duty to destroy them. She SHOULD blow up the monkeys."

"Um, I don't think the rest of the creatures who live here would appreciate it," Darkness said, looking a bit worried as she peered between the now bare trees. "You know, the nice ones, like the centaurs and unicorns and such."

"Plus, we're in the forest right now," Hermione pointed out. "If you use an Explosion, the entire thing is likely to catch fire and we'd end up in a sorry state."

"Yeah, talk some sense into her," Kazuma encouraged. "If she blows up the forest, we could end up dead!"

"I was more worried we would be expelled for destruction of school property," Hermione mused. "But you do raise a good point I suppose."

"We're going to deal with these stupid monkeys one way or another!" Aqua said confidently. She was not wearing her professorial robes, but rather a white hat with a blue border, and a jacket over a dangerously short skirt. Though at least she had stockings on.

For her part, Megumin was wearing her jumper, on which she had sewn a hood with little black horns and red eyes, as befitted a Crimson Demon. Ron looked mildly embarrassed to have a maroon jumper with an "R" on it, until Megumin remarked that she "liked that Ron was unafraid to declare his identity to his enemies." Then he looked both pleased and embarrassed.

"Personally I think if we're going to have Megumin blow the place up we should just go outside. Maybe it will be warmer there," Kazuma complained.

"No, we're going to beat the Gryffindors at their own game and prove we are superior, and that Slytherin would have won the quidditch match!" Draco declared.

This provoked a row with Ron, who angrily shouted and argued along with Draco and Kazuma about which quidditch team was better. After listening for a few minutes, Megumin attempted to join in as well.

"Clearly, the Gryffindor team should have won, as our beaters hit the quaffle more than yours!"

This provoked a stunned silence from the three boys, who looked at Megumin in horror, freezing in place as they stared at her.

"Additionally, our goalie prevented more wickets than yours, as Oliver is clearly skilled! That should be worth more-" Megumin cut off, realizing that the others were not walking with her, and that Darkness had developed a case of hiccups while Hermione was rolling her eyes.

"Megumin, I don't know anything about sports, but even I know what you just said is complete nonsense," Hermione sighed.

"Well, I dunno, maybe beaters hitting the quaffle should be worth points," Dust opined. "Isn't that how the yanks play it?"

"Don't be silly, that's not how Quodpot works at all!" Draco snapped. Then he gave Ron a pitying look. "You could always come over to Slytherin. At least we know how the sport is played."

"Don't tempt me," Ron grumbled. "Only Darkness knows a thing about quidditch and she can't even stay on a broom."

"T-that's not true!" Darkness protested.

Ron sighed. "I take it back. She can't even remember how many points catching the snitch is worth. She thought it was 15."

Darkness blushed and looked down. "I just thought it would make more sense if quaffle goals were worth one point, and the snitch fifteen…"

"And Explosions should be worth ONE HUNDRED POINTS!" Megumin shouted.

"NO!" everyone responded, including the rest of their classmates.

"You are all heathens, and my just retribution shall fall upon you," Megumin complained. "I shall-"

"ACK!" the forlorn voice of their professor suddenly wailed. "KAAAAAZUUUUMMMAAAA! HELP!"

Everyone looked around, suddenly remembering that they were in the Forbidden Forest. They had been more or less wandering at random, as they had been following Aqua whose sense of direction could politely be described as "absent."

Said professor was currently struggling mightily amidst a large spiderweb that was very obviously strung across the path. Aqua had lost her hat, and her struggles and wails were not only further entangling her, but drawing the attentions of the creatures who had made the web in the first place.

"GIANT SPIDERS!" Ron shrieked, jumping into Darkness's arms and trembling like a leaf on the wind.

"GIANT SPIDERS!" Megumin cackled, and raced forward towards the eight legged menaces that were coming out of the trees and from under hidden doors woven into the forest floor.

Kazuma just about turned and ran when Darkness dumped him on the ground, but hesitated, glancing at Aqua and licking his lips. Then he swore under his breath, and hurried forward to try and free her, grabbing Draco by his collar and preventing the other boy from sprinting off. "Come on, we have to save that useless goddess!"

"What goddess, I just want to get out of here!" Draco protested, but Kazuma ignored him, and soon both boys were trying to get Aqua to stop squirming and get her out.

As for Megumin, after a stern look from Hermione, she contented herself with a few blasting charms, which made satisfying booms.

Hermione was far more practical, turning calmly to the other frightened students. "Right. Watch what I do, then copy the motions. It helps to pose, and make a dramatic pronouncement first. I have found that this spell works only if you are a bit over the top."

"What spell?" Dean asked, looking rather worried as more spiders closed in.

By way of answer, Hermione posed on the ball of one foot, T posing and giving her head a dramatic toss. "BEHOLD! I AM HERMIONE, FOREMOST GENIUS OF GRYFFINDOR, AND SHE WHO WILL ONE DAY BE HEAD GIRL!"

"That doesn't sound like a spell!" Pansy complained. "What are you even-"

"LIGHT OF SABER!" Hermione shrieked, and let loose a spear of burning plasma that vaporized not only three spiders the size of greyhounds (the dog, not the bus) but also a tree that happened to be in the way.

Calmly, Hermione turned back to the other students who were gaping at her. "And that's how you do it. Any questions?"

The ground shook as Megumin cackled and let fly with another explosion, destroying half a dozen more spiders. The students licked their lips, and shook their heads.

"BEHOLD! I AM DEAN THOMAS! FOREMOST ARTIST OF GRYFFINDOR!"

"I AM DAPHNE GREENGRASS, FOREMOST GOSSIP OF SLYTHERIN!"

"I AM PARVATI PATIL, FOREMOST FASHIONISTA OF GRYFFINDOR!"

"-FOREMOST FOOTBALLER OF GRYFFINDOR!"

"-FOREMOST BUSINESSMAN OF SLYTHERIN!"

"AND I'M DUST! SUCK ON THIS!"

While everyone else was busy screaming their heads off and throwing about Light of Sabers (only a few of which were much more than weak arrows of light) Dust picked up a tree branch, and somehow transfigured it into a spear. He happily started skewering spiders left and right, keeping the spiders off his classmates.

As for Darkness, she had tackled two spiders that had tried to scurry forward and bite Megumin, and was now grunting and taking their bites herself as she systematically ripped their legs off.

For her part, Lavender gave up when she failed to make more than a few sparkles, and started chanting, "Blessing, Blessing, Blessing!"

When flying splinters hit Pansy in the leg and she went down, Lavender quickly healed her with a "Minor Heal!"

After about a minute, the spiders gave up and fled. While only Pavarti and Dean had managed to make a Light of Saber that killed a spider, Megumin was getting more reckless with her explosions, and Hermione had leveled a large clearing with her own Light of Saber spells.

"Well, I don't think we're going to find any monkeys now," Seamus panted, looking around the smoking, devastated landscape. "At least the spiders are gone."

"G-good job," Aqua sniffled, supported by a very irritated looking Kazuma and an angry looking and filthy Draco, who had spider webs stuck in his now ruined hair. "T-that's it for today's lesson."

"What? But we didn't learn anything!" Hermione argued, glaring at Aqua. "I thought we were going to learn a monkey repelling charm or something."

"Huh? No, I don't know any of those. I was just going to have you guys blow them up or something," Aqua explained. "But killing the spiders totally counts. I bet there's a reward!"

"What about the fires?" Daphne asked, looking rather worriedly at the now spreading blazes. "Shouldn't we, you know, do something?"

"Oh, yeah. Hmm, I think I can make it rain," Aqua observed.

"Isn't weather control magic really advanced and hard?" Darkness asked, slowly standing with Ron's help as Lavender fussed at her bites with some cleansing magic.

"Not for a goddess like me!" Aqua braged. "I'm a Water Goddess! Weather Control: Thunderstorm!"

Kazuma blinked. "Wait, did you just say-"

An instant downpour began, dark clouds appearing out of nowhere. Before anyone could complain, lightning crashed down, and thunder deafened them.

After that, it was a mad dash through the dark and rain back to the castle, where they arrived soaked and wet after Hermione made them all use the "point me" charm.

All in all, not a single monkey had been seen, let alone dealt with. However, the spider population was devastated.

Or at least it would have been, if not for something that a certain goddess forgot about. Not long after the rain began, the spider corpses began to vanish. Once they did, large spider eggs appeared in the various crevasses and hidden places. The forest began to rapidly regrow, returning to its previous place.

And as it did so, hidden within the walls of Hogwarts, the magical bindings there glowed in shades of blue and purple.

Despite the spectacular failure of the Defense Professor's expedition to kill even a single flying monkey, that was not to say that things were even remotely safe for the airborne menaces. Killing the spiders would have had the unfortunate effect of removing one of their natural predators, if the ecosystem of the Forbidden Forest hadn't been firmly set to "wacky."

There was, however, one creature who was waging a successful crusade against the flying monkeys, along with her fan club.

Are you sssssure you don't want to try one, Friendssss?

Slyvia the Basilisk coiled around a stone monkey, turning her blindfolded gaze to the three young women riding on her back. Yunyun had rigged up a pair of large goggles with Luna's help, and they could easily open and close a slit when Syliva was hunting.

"Um, S-syliva wants to know if we want, er, any monkey," Yunyun explained to Lavender and Luna.

The stars and crescent moon provided enough dim illumination to show the faces the two girls made, with Lavender making a retching sound. "Ew, no. I'm not eating a monkey!"

"I don't think I can eat stone," Luna mused. "I wonder what flying monkeys taste like. Do they taste like bananas?"

Oh, I forgot. Humansss can't eat sssstonesss. And…I don't think it'ssss a good idea to eat one I've bitten. The poissson, you ssssee, Sylivia hissed, then swallowed her petrified prey whole.

When Yunyun translated, Luna shook her head and made a tisking noise. "Slyvia, you're not poisonous. It's venom. Poison is ingested, venom is injected. It's basilisk venom, not poison."

"But, if we eat the monkey with her venom in it, wouldn't it be poisonous to us then?" Lavender asked, sounding confused.

"Hmm, I hadn't thought about that," Luna admitted. She gave Slyvia a friendly pat on the back. "I apologize, I shouldn't be so pedantic. It's a terrible habit endemic to Ravenclaws."

I don't mind. Even argumentssss are nissssse to have. I sssspent too long alone, Slyvia explained.

Yunyun and the two riders helpfully stunned a few monkeys out of the air when Slyvia flushed them, allowing their friend to enjoy a rather large meal.

"I wish everyone else would come, but Megumin said she was tired after fighting spiders," Yunyun sighed as they made a circuit around the fringes of the Forbidden Forest. "I-I wish she would come with me more often…"

I'm ssssure you and your sssssister will come to an undersssstanding, Sylvia offered in a conciliatory tone.

"But you're not sisters, Megumin is your cousin," Lavender pointed out.

"I-I think of her a sister!" Yunyun protested, blushing furiously.

"I wish I had a sister," Luna mused aloud. "But all I have is a little brother. He's more annoying than anything else. I asked Lady Aqua if I could have a sister next, but she just said she leaves the 'icky mortal stuff' to my mum and dad. Mum just laughed."

"You do know how that works, don't you? Like, you know…" Lavender blushed and made a vague motion.

If they are referring to mating, then both should know that it issss very important to keep the temperature of the eggssss just right, Sylvia put in. Too cool, and it will be malessss, too hot, and it will be femalessss.

"P-people don't work like that!" Yunyun gasped, blushing even redder than Lavender did.

"I know, I tried when mum was pregnant," Luna replied. "But mum wouldn't wear the jumper all the time and she noticed when I kept over feeding the salamander so that it would make things hotter."

Yunyun blinked, then glanced back and forth between Luna and Sylvia. "Wait…you…you can understand Sylvia?"

"Yes, we've been talking privately, and Tom has helped," Luna explained, holding up the diary. "It's very interesting to learn Parselmouth. I think it should be an elective."

"Well that's not fair!" Lavender complained. "I want a turn to talk to Tom too!"

"I…I suppose that's alright," Yunyun agreed. She smiled, and gave Luna a quick hug. "I-it's so nice that my f-friends can talk to one another, even if I'm not here!"

With that, and with Slyvia full from half a dozen monkeys, the USSR headed back to the Chamber of Friendship atop their friendly giant danger noodle.