Keep the Change, Ya Filthy Animal
Dark shadows loomed over the Great Hall of Hogwarts, the only illumination the deadly orange glow from the cauldron, over which two witches hovered. One suddenly scooped up a vial, holding it up.
"AT LAST! THE MOST POTENT POTION OF ALL! PURE CONCENTRATED EXPLOSION MAGIC, TO BE UNLEASHED UPON-"
"No, no, no!" Aqua stalked out of the shadows, wearing a black ballcap with "Director" written on it in blue thread. "That's not the line at ALL! This is the high point of the play, Megumin! The line is 'At last, Christmas is saved! We have brewed the potion of Friendship!'"
"I have decided that friendship is lame and boring. The Dark Lord should be defeated with the power of incredible firepower and massive explosions," Megumin said, folding her arms over her chest.
Aqua grabbed a bullhorn and yelled, "You can't decide to change the script during the DRESS REHEARSAL!"
"E-explosions aren't very Christmas-y," Yunyun added from her place beside Megumin, looking hurt.
"That is because you like lame Christmas Movies like Miracle on 34th Street and I like cool ones like Die Hard, Megumin huffed, adjusting her even larger and floppier than normal hat.
"Am I supposed to come out now?" Dust asked, peering out of the back stage in his Dark Lord's costume, which looked suspiciously like Kefka from Final Fantasy. Or Essos if you've read A Clash of NEETs, True Believers!
"No, we're going to take it from the top! Kazuma, get back out here and die dramatically again!" Aqua ordered.
Kazuma peeked his head out from behind Dust, frowning. "What? I just took off that get up! It's a pain in the ass to put on!"
"Well then come out naked! We can do it like King Yenma makes people do," Aqua ordered. "Not the first time I've seen your supposed sword."
Kazuma stepped out, looking incredulous. He was wearing a long sleeve shirt and shorts, along with stockings. "Are you crazy!? You got some sort of fetish, woman!? Do you think I'm just naked under my costume!? That's disgusting!"
"Wait, you're not?" Dust said, turning to Kazuma in confusion. He looked down at his gaudy clown costume. "This is pretty warm. I'm starkers under here."
"Dust, we did NOT need to know that," Ginny called from up above where she was managing the lights. "Just get on with it already!"
"Not yet, not yet! I have to reset the fog dispensers!" Ron called, frantically waving his wand and causing only a few spurts of fog to come out. "Oh bloody hell…Megumin, do you have any more of that potion?"
"Of course you would call upon my genius in your hour of need!" Megumin laughed, and hopped down off the stage.
"Right then, let's everyone take five," Hermione said, coming out with a clipboard. She had her own cap on, which read "Producer." Everyone except for Aqua knew that Hermione was really running the show. Initially she'd had a minor role, but upon seeing how everyone was doing this wrong, she'd taken charge and never looked back.
"I want a snack. Can we have more snacks?" Dust asked eagerly. "Hey Ron, can I have some of yours? I know your mum sent you some."
"Get your own, wanker!" Ron snapped.
And so the Great Christmas play once more broke up into squabbling, casting doubt on whether or not the play would ever succeed, or even be performed. But that wasn't the real problem this Christmas season. No, that would be the two adult men reenacting Home Alone on the other side of the world.
Though it was Christmas Eve, Tonks was standing in front of a mirror, examining herself in the full length mirror in her hotel room, which was a small hut on the beach. She briefly altered her own shape, making her muscles a little more toned, her nose a little smaller, her chest a little bigger, and frowned at herself. "I should just wear one piece…"
"You look great in a bikini, Tonks," Chris said, coming out in her own swimsuit. "Relax, Lupin will love it."
Tonks flushed and sputtered, "He's 32! Thirteen years older than me!"
"That just means he's mature, sophisticated, and not as stupid as men tend to be in their 20s," Chris said breezily. "You're both adults, feel free to act like it."
Tonks muttered under her breath, but kept the bikini on, pulling on a pair of jeans shorts for the ride to the other side of the island. She went to check on Moody, who had his own vacation shack a little bit away from her's and Chris'. "We're off to the beach, we'll probably be spending the night with some of Chris' friends. You going to be alright, boss?"
"I'm not your boss anymore, I'm retired," Moody said, looking up from what he was cleaning.
Tonks blinked at it, then gasped. "Alastor Moody! That's a bloody gun!"
"So what if it is? We're in America. They're legal here," he said with a shrug.
Tonks paused, mulling that one over in her mind. She did remember every other Yank in the cinemas having a gun. She'd seen a few with her father, and she was a big fan of Die Hard. Bloody brilliant Christmas movie that one, far better than the usual saccharine tosh. "And what are you going to do with a gun?"
Moody held up a pamphlet, which Tonks took. She looked it over, her eyebrows climbing higher and higher, until they practically hovered above her forehead. "Hunting? You're using a muggle gun to go hunting deer?"
"More sporting that way," Moody said with a straight face. "Spells take all the fun out of it."
A sneaking suspicion entered Tonk's mind. "You're going after Vernon Dursely with that!"
"Me? Hunt Vernon Dursley? What do you take me for, a Death Eater?" Moody demanded, looking hurt. "I've never been one for muggle baiting and you know it. Besides, bloody stupid to use a gun for that anyway."
"Well…" Tonks licked her lips, and thoughts of a rugged, handsome Lupin with a nice set of chest hair teaching her how to surf…he'd have to hold her to do that, right? She was dead clumsy and normally avoided sports that involved having to maintain your balance, but the thought of having Remus teach her…
"...if you promise you're not going to try and kill anyone…" Tonks finally said.
Moody put his left hand over his heart and raised his right hand. "On my honor as an auror."
"Good enough," Tonks said. "Well, we're off to have some fun. Good luck with the deer."
"I'll bag a couple just for you," Moody said seriously as Tonks left.
If the poor girl had been less twitterpated, Tonks might have remembered that Moody wasn't an auror any more, and had never had much honor to begin with.
The ride to Lupin's place was fun, with Tonks riding behind Chris on the motorcycle. Even if it was quite loud and a muggle machine to boot, the roar of the engine and the wind whipping in Tonk's face was enjoyable, as was getting to see the Maui landscape go by. The peak of Haleakala was covered in snow from a recent storm, and the view of the mountain on her left and the sea on her right left Tonks a little breathless.
It was definitely that, and not remembering Lupin as a shaggy-werewolf. She hadn't realized that he'd be so humanoid, or that his abs would be so well defined.
"Um, it's not normally like this," Lupin told her. Then blinked. "Bloody hell, I can talk? It's not normally like that either!"
"I brewed the Wolfsbane potion myself," Chris had told Remus, winking at him. "You're welcome."
That was about the point where Tonks had realized that werewolves retained certain other physical characteristics, and both she and Remus had gone bright red when he realized what she was trying (and failing) not to stare at.
"I need pants!" Remus had yipped, and dove for his bedroom door. He had them, but Tonks was still rather disappointed.
"Do you think he likes me?" Tonks asked Chris as they rode. It was not the first time she had asked that question, and Tonks could feel Chris shaking with laughter when she answered.
"Yes, Tonks, I think he likes you. You can stop making your boobs bigger, I can feel it you know. Keep it to a C cup, love, you don't want to give yourself back problems."
Tonks hastily controlled herself and tried to remind herself not to become a total fool for a man. There were enough fools in the world already…
"Vernon, I'm going to the beach," Petunia called. "Don't forget, we have the Christmas Lu'au this evening."
Vernon looked up from his box of potions. "Oh, right you are, love. I'm just having a bit of a lie in today. Got some health tonics I want to try."
"Health tonics?" Petunia asked, pausing in the door.
"Yunyun sent me them," Vernon added hastily. "Owl post, you know? Incredible stuff."
"Oh. Well, that's alright then," Petunia said, though she looked worried. "Not coming to the beach?"
"Later, love, later," Vernon said with a smile.
"Mhm. Stay away from that Moody. You promised," Petunia said, her eyes narrowing.
"Of course love, of course. Won't go near Alestor's place," Vernon said innocently. After all, the hut his nemesis was staying in was in Chris Fortuna's name, and Alestor's place was back in England.
"You'd best," Petunia said, and went off to the beach to enjoy the last peace and quiet she'd be getting for some time.
Before setting off, Vernon took inventory. He'd been somewhat limited in what he could purchase, only able to get potions or magical items that would self activate without the use of a spell or wand. Still, he'd learned a great deal thanks to Yunyun and Megumin. Who would have thought that Megumin would be a potions genius? Well, it was paying off now, as Vernon had a number of delightful surprises to ruin his rival's day.
Having already lied his way into a room key for Moody's hut thanks to a falsified passport he'd obtained at the same magical shop where he'd gotten the potions, Vernon carefully made his way to Moody's hut. He went through two Mage Sight potions and a Merlin's Bane brew to defeat the various magical alarms and traps that Moody had left out, but it was worth it. To Vernon's disappointment, however, Moody wasn't in the hut.
"Well, I suppose I'll just leave some surprises for him then," Vernon chuckled, and pulled out a Devouring Pen, which would latch on to Moody and give him a painful bite, as well as pouring Seven League Powder on Moody's shoes, which would cause them to take a mile at a stride, a sure fire way to annoy and disorient the old coot.
While he was searching for more places to leave "presents," Vernon happened on Moody's chest. A helpful "Open Sesame" potion got the spell on the chest off, and he opened it up. To his shock, Vernon found a staircase on the inside, descending down into a wood paneled room below.
"Well well well. What do we have here?" Vernon muttered. He looked around, then grinned wickedly. "Can't hide from me, old chap. Oh no, you can't fool Vernon Dursley."
Chuckling to himself, Vernon hoisted his bandoleer of potions and crept down the stairs, chuckling softly to himself.
No sooner than Vernon had walked down the stairs, then one of the night stands stretched, then turned back into Mad Eye himself.
"Not bad, Vernon. But you should have checked the furniture. Constant Vigilance," Moody said to himself, walking over and examining his traveling chest. He hadn't planned on this, but…He picked up his shotgun and racked back a round. He'd modified it so that it would be painful, but not kill. After all, if he killed Vernon, he'd deprive himself of potentially years of endless entertainment. Just when the man was showing promise too. A muggle, getting a bunch of highly illegal and expensive potions along with several very cursed items? Jolly good show.
Whistling "The Foxhunt" to himself, Moody cocked his shotgun and walked down the stairs into his training room.
"That wasn't bad," Lupin said, helping the coughing Tonks back onto her surfboard. "Just bend your knees a little more next time as you catch the wave."
It had actually been absolutely terrible, but Lupin had been living by himself with just his dog (or, well, you know…) for the past decade, with as little human contact as possible. Having an attractive young lady take a sudden interest in him and in him teaching her how to surf had scrambled Lupin's brains more thoroughly than any werewolf transformation ever had.
"Thanks, but I think I have to stay on the board for more than five seconds before trying to swallow the whole ocean," Tonks gasped, coughing out more sea water. She lay back on the board and grinned at Lupin. "Much more of that and you'll have to give me mouth to mouth."
Back on the shore, Chris was sitting by the fire she'd built, along with Padfoot the Black dog. "Come on, just kiss her already, you dullard!"
Padfoot thumped his tail on the ground and barked, apparently shouting encouragement.
"You know, there's a spell I know for a time like this," Chris sighed, taking a ukulele from out of nowhere. She plunked a few strings, then nodded to herself. "How about a duet, while those two waste time?"
Padfoot nodded, laying down at Chris' feet as she began to play.
There you see her
Sitting there across the way
She don't got a lot to say
But there's something about her
And you don't know why
But you're dying to try
You wanna kiss the girl
When Chris got to the chorus, Padfoot sat up, and Chris leaned against the big black dog as he howled along with
Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Meanwhile, Tonks had just taken another tumble into the ocean when she'd tried to stand up on her board, which meant Lupin had to save her. As she sank beneath the wave, Tonks reflected that she should have eaten Gillyweed. Or at least she should have if it hadn't meant that Lupin got to play lifeguard with her so much.
"Thanks," Tonks gasped when Lupin dragged her back up to the surface and put her on his board. She just lay there for a moment, Lupin holding on to the side and looking at her with concern. She managed a smile. "Always been clumsy, sorry I'm so rubbish at this."
"No, it's fine, I-"
At that moment, there was a burst of outrageous howling from the beach as Chris shrieked "WOAH WOAH!"
"Merlin's balls, what are they doing?" Tonks groaned, pushing herself up a little and peering through bleary eyes at the beach.
"Er, it looks like Chris is singing, and Padfoot decided to join her," Lupin said, squinting at the shore himself. "That woman…what is she doing?'
"KISS THE GIRL!"
"HOWWWWWWLLLLLL!"
Tonks blinked, then started laughing hysterically as she flopped down on the board. Lupin turned bright red and bobbed low in the water.
"DO WHAT THE MUSIC SAY, YOU GOTTA-"
"HOWWWWWLLLL!"
"-KEEEEESSSSS THE GIRL!"
"HOWL HOWL!"
"I'm, er, terribly sorry," Lupin said sheepishly, his words somewhat muffled by water.
Tonks tried to respond, but when she did she ended up rolling right off the board and into the water. That caused her to stop laughing and suck in a startled gasp of air, only it wasn't air that entered her lungs, but water. That proved to be too much even for a metamorphmagus, and Tonks blacked out.
It didn't take Vernon long to realize he had made a mistake. The various rooms he found were full of what appeared to be target dummies, hazardous environments, and war trophies. There were multiple traps that he barely dodged, and the room full of noxious gas nearly made him pass out before he used a Gale in a Jar.
"Got to get out of this bloody place," Vernon muttered, looking around. He had started to retrace his steps, but either his memory was bad or…" Bastard's shuffling the place about! Trying to keep me trapped!"
"I told you, Vernon Dursley, you need to practice CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" Moody's voice boomed.
"I have you know you old menace!" Vernon roared, and charged through a nearby door, tossing through a vial of Merlin's Bane (or about 100 galleons) first to dispel any magic. He grinned maniacally when he saw a somewhat surprised Moody appeared from the spell he'd been under, the potion soaking him through.
Then Vernon's feet hit the floor on the other side, and went out from under him. The very unmagical bag of marbles that Moody had spilled out on the floor went flying as Vernon's feet went right up into the air, and the fat old Englishman landed flat on his back, the wind knocked out of him.
A moment later, Moody's false eye appeared above Vernon, spinning wildly. "Constant. Vigilance."
Vernon could only groan, and then Moody was gone. He staggered up to one knee, and Moody's voice echoed through the trunk. "You'll have to do better than that to get out of here…"
"Bloody wanker," Vernon growled. He came to the next room and looked around carefully. It looked safe enough, this one had three target dummies in the center, and another door on the other side. He stepped onto the floor, but his shoes stuck. He paused and turned, but the door behind him had vanished. "Oh hell."
The next step looked safe enough, and Vernon gingerly took his foot out of his shoe and put it down slowly. He jerked it back, and upon closer inspection he saw that there were some fine needles on the floor.
"Wait just one bloody minute, I've seen this movie!" Vernon cried, which caused the listening Moody no end of puzzlement. Chuckling to himself, Vernon used an Instant Stone potion to turn the floor into a thin layer of granite. Then he snuck over to the door and carefully poured out a vial of Greek Fire onto the door knob.
"Well, nothing for it, got to go the other way," Vernon said, and used a Portable Hole Potion to make an exit on the far wall. He grinned and waited.
A moment later, there was a pained yowl from the other side, as Moody put his hand on the superheated doorknob.
"Serves you right," Vernon laughed, and then used a bit of string to rig up a bottle of instant ants to go off when someone tried to follow through his portable hole. "Two can play at this game, Mad Eye."
Fortunately or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, Moody was entirely ready for just such a game.
Tonk's eyes fluttered open, and she found a concerned Remus hovering over her, wand in hand. She felt as though a giant hand had just wrung out her lungs, which considering the bile on her lips and the wet stain on the sand by her head, was entirely possible.
"You could have had the decency to give me mouth to mouth," Tonks croaked, closing her eyes and putting an arm across her face. She felt like a dozen leprechauns were tap dancing inside of her skull, and she felt absolutely wretched and foolish. Tears began to leak down her cheeks, and she sniffled and tried to keep herself from crying and making a further mess of herself.
"Well, I, ah, I suppose we should forgo the surfing lesson," Remus said, sounding rather awkward. "Riding a surfboard does take some getting used to…"
It wasn't the surfboard I wanted to ride, Tonks thought, but managed to keep her tongue in check for once. "You must think me terribly foolish."
"Well, surfing's just not your sport. I'm sure there's other things we could try," Lupin offered.
Tonk's lowered her hand. "Like hockey?"
That seemed to take Lupin off guard, as he visibly mulled over the suggestion. After some consideration he said "I was thinking more volleyball actually, but I'm game for hockey. How does one play that on a beach?"
"With your tongue, usually," Tonks said, then went bright red, right down to the tips of her hair. She covered her mouth with her hands, utterly embarrassed by her own forwardness.
"I thought you usually used a stick," Lupin said, sounding confused.
"Not on the first date," Tonks said seriously. "But I'm here for a few more days so if you're good I'm willing to play goalie as long as you use protection."
Then she mentally kicked herself for an idiot. He's never going to be interested in you now, silly girl.
Lupin's eyes went wide and his mouth flopped open. "Oh. Tongue….hockey…I see…"
"Go on and kiss the girl!"
"HO-HO-HOWLLLLL!"
"WILL YOU IDIOTS SHUT UP!" Tonks and Lupin shouted at the same time, earning giggles and a ukulele solo from Chris and wild barking from Padfoot.
"Hold on a moment," Tonks said, holding her hand out towards her bag. "Accio Wand!"
One problem with a bikini: Nowhere to put a wand.
Her wand slapped into her hand, and she did a quick tooth cleaning charm. Which caused Lupin to blush even further and Chris to double down on her strumming. Then she smiled at Lupin. "Um, I know I cocked up the surfing lesson but…up for a game of hockey?"
In response, Lupin pulled Tonks close to her and kissed her rather thoroughly. She decided she didn't mind the smell of wet werewolf hair, and put her hands in his hair to drag him closer to her.
Behind them, two voices sang out, "KEEEESSSS DEEE GURRRRL!"
She didn't even mind. She was going to have a good holiday after all.
Swearing, Moody tried to pull himself up on the railing to the top of the stairs, only to find that this had been greased as well. He fell back on his back and slid down the hall, followed by laughter from Vernon.
"Shoes on the other foot now, eh, Moody? I'm not trapped down here with you, you're trapped down here with-"
Moody pulled out his gun and fired twice. The first shot missed, but the second struck his target dead on: Right in the jimmies. Vernon stopped laughing as his eyes rolled up in his head, and he fell forward. He made a variety of amusing noises as he slid down the stairs he'd slicked with some unholy concoction of potions, ending up spread eagled beside Moody.
Both old men had to fight to catch their breath. Vernon's bald spot had been amplified by an improvised flamethrower made from a can of hairspray Moody had used on him, while Moody was still covered in ice from the Yeti's Breath potion Vernon had not only used to put out the hair fire, but freeze Moody solid.
"Alright," Moody said, managing to get to one knee. Then it slipped out from under him and he fell flat on his face. He groaned, and managed a muffled, "Right then. Truce?"
"Until we get out of this blasted hell hole. How long have we been down here anyway?" Vernon groaned.
"Search me. Lost my watch when you used your Lightning in a Bottle. Neat trick that. Never would have thought you'd be able to climb up high enough to put it on a string to swing that far."
"Used a weightlessness potion. Wore off when you superglued my arse to the loo," Vernon said, gingerly ribbing the bald spot on his thighs he'd gotten when he tore himself loose from that one.
"Yes, that was a good 'un," Moody chuckled. "Didn't have to fill the bowl with dragon fire though. Nearly burned my prick off."
"Saw that one at the cinema too, though the lad used kerosene," Vernon admitted. "Always liked the little rascal before. Now I feel bad for the two blokes that just wanted to rob the place."
"You're going to have to show me this 'movie.' A muggle boy that can come up with that many traps would be right impressive," Moody chuckled.
Together, the two men hauled themselves up the stairs, supporting one another and using only the steps that Vernon hadn't greased. They finally made it to the top, staggering out of the enchanted chest and collapsing on the carpet.
"Bloody hell, it's nearly dark. We were in there for hours," Vernon groaned, looking at the setting sun through the window.
"Couple of old fools. Guess I wasn't as vigilant as I thought," Moody sighed, sitting up and popping his neck from side to side. He absently took out his gun, then grabbed a box of ammunition and started loading it.
"What are you doing that for?" Vernon asked suspiciously.
"We're out of the trunk," Moody said with a shrug. "Truce is over."
"You bastard!" Vernon snarled. He reached behind himself and grabbed the devouring pen, then threw it at Moody before the other man knew what was happening.
As it turned out, the pen landed directly in Moody's magical eye, and immediately began gnawing at it. The sudden urge of magic in the pen made it grow larger, which made Moody jerk back, aiming the gun high and accidentally discharging it into the roof.
That made the light above Vernon's head crash down onto him, which caused him to accidentally toss one of his vials of potion he'd been getting out onto the bed. That potion turned out to be Wild Fire, which spilled out and caused the bed to go up in flames.
Then the attack chairs that Moody had scattered throughout his room came to life, all barking and racing about like mad, kicking and biting anything they came across. Both men stumbled out of the smoke- filled hut, one blasting away with his shotgun at the wild chairs, the other throwing vials of explosives, deadly wasps, and gelatinous ooze around madly.
The other visitors at the resort began to scream as the fire spread to a nearby stand of palm trees, then truly panicked when two wild beach chairs ran past, barking and biting at them.
"GET BACK HERE, YOU DAMN LAWN ORNAMENTS!" Moody roared, running by and shooting one chair with a full load of buckshot. The chair exploded into splinters, which lodged in several tourists and made them scream all the louder.
Meanwhile, Vernon had managed to get himself stuck in his own mountain of ooze, and was desperately keeping his head out and able to breathe instead of suffocating.
"VERNON DURSLEY! YOU PROMISED ME!"
Vernon looked up to see an outraged Petunia striding towards him, her straw hat all eskew. He noted she was wearing a lovely swimsuit, and that really, she looked quite good for a woman of her age.
"Er, hello, love. You look wonderful in that. Mind pulling me free before this whole thing catches fire?" Vernon asked, extending a pudgy hand so that his fingers extended out of the slime.
With a snarl, Petunia grabbed Vernon's slimy hand and hauled him out of the mire he was in. Vernon managed to crawl away, sliding and slipping in his own ooze, until a flaming palm leaf fell on the slime. It instantly caught fire, and the flames raced up to Vernon, who screamed and stood up. Thankfully, he was only a few yards from the waves, and he ran over and jumped in head first. Unfortunately, it did burn off his clothes, leaving him exposed for the world to see just as the police arrived.
"FREEZE!" the police said, pointing their guns at the still steaming Vernon as Petunia tried to splash water on him.
"Officers," Vernon said, slowly raising his hands. "I can explain."
Some time later, Vernon found himself handcuffed to a chair beside Moody in a police interrogation room. Three huts and a dozen palm trees had ended up burning down. Moody's trunk had imploded, leaving a massive crater that made all the police think that the two of them were "IRA terrorists" and had been building bombs.
"We're not even irish!" Vernon complained, shifting in annoyance in his chair. "Now we're going to be bloody executed! These American savages still hang people, and Lord only knows what the Hawaiian natives will do to us."
"Relax, the Oblivators will show up and sort things out, happens all the time," Moody said breezily.
"Oh, I think not, sir. I think not." The door opened and an imposing black man stepped into the room. He had a gold earring in each ear, a large black afro, and wore a three piece black suit and dark sunglasses. "This sort of thing definitely does not happen all the time. Not on my watch."
"Oh great, another muggle," Moody grumbled.
The man slammed Moody's wand, along with a name badge onto the table. It read "Cobra Bubbles, FBCVNO Special Agent"
"FBCVNO? You run out of letters in the alphabet?" Vernon snorted.
Moody shook his head "It stands for-"
"It stands for the two of you are in very deep trouble," Agent Bubbles growled, leaning over the table and looming over the old men. "You just caused an intergalactic incident. The Grand Council Woman of the United Galactic Federation was here to supervise the creation of the Mosquito Sanctuary after we just managed to resolve the Roswell incident."
Moody and Vernon exchanged a look. "The what?"
"The point is, you've made some very important people angry. More importantly, you've given ME an enormous headache, and I have to deal with the two of you," Agent Bubbles snapped, slamming the table with his palm. "Now what were you doing with an illegal firearm and even MORE illegal potions?"
At that point, even Moody began to sweat, and Vernon prayed that Petunia wouldn't give him a set of divorce papers for Christmas.
Tonks lay with her head nestled on Lupin's shoulder as they swung in the hammock on his lanai. He had turned out to be rather bad at tongue hockey at first, but Tonks was happy to teach him. She rubbed her hand on his chest and grinned giddily to herself. Despite the fact that Remus was much older than her, she'd clearly had more romantic experience than he had.
"Well, at least I get to train my big puppy," she giggled to herself.
Lupin shifted uncomfortably. "Lycanthropy is a serious condition, Tonks. I know you're only here for a few more days, but, well, I am found of you, and any sort of relationship would have to factor in-"
"Oh relax. I'm a dab hand at potions. Always drove Snape nutters in class. I'd flub half the essays but I was always brilliant at the practical exams. Provided I didn't accidentally knock something into the cauldron. Made the old bat twitch."
Remus coughed. "Ah, we're the same age…he was a classmate of mine."
"Oooo, sorry to hear that," Tonks said, giving Lupin a very exaggerated pouty face. "But don't worry, I never wanted to shag old Snivelous, just you."
That made Remus go even redder, but Tonks solved that with another kiss. She did have to show Remus where she wanted him to put his hands though. He would take some coaching, but he seemed a willing enough student. Provided he could get over his age and the whole werewolf thing. Chris assured Tonks that a cure was in the works and would be released very soon, so why worry about it?
Besides, she did find the whole bestial nature thing dead sexy.
Things were just getting good when there was a whine next to the Hammock.
"Shoo, doggy," Tonks said, flapping her hand behind her.
"Oh hell," Remus groaned. "I forget your his…never mind. What is it, Pads?"
The dog sat beside the hammock, thumping his tail on the ground, the phone in his mouth. Remus gingerly took it, wiping the receiver off with his hand before putting it to his ear. "Hello?"
Remus suddenly sat up straight, causing Tonks to fall out of the hammock with a squawk. Thankfully she landed flat on her rear, but it was still rather undignified.
"Damn dog," she muttered, but Padfoot just licked her face.
"Er, yes, I understand officer. Um, yes, they're both here…I have Nymphadora Tonks right here," Remus said, his tone serious.
"Nymphadora?!" Tonks sputtered, pushing Padfoot away. "Who told you that was my name?!"
The dog barked and thumped his tale some more, his paws batting at Tonks as if he wanted to play.
"Oh back off," Tonks muttered.
"Um, it's for you," Remus said, and passed her the phone.
"This is Tonks," she said, sulking over the use of her hated name.
"Ah, Miss Tonks…I'm afraid there's been a small mishap," Moody's voice said.
"What?" Tonks said, freezing.
"I may need you to come bail me out of jail…Vernon too."
"WHAT?!" Tonks screeched, and jumped to her feet.
There went her plans for a jolly good Christmas present to herself.
Author's Note:
Merry Chris-mas, and a Happy New Year!