Chapter 65:

This was Saffron's fifth visit to the school in a row since she had been back. The weekends were the hardest, but she had always managed to find a way in. She had managed to make the phrase 'stay in school' take on a whole new meaning.

She looked like a spy, dressed in a black hoodie and black jeans with her tinted shades on. She would have enjoyed the way she was dressed up for the occasion if she wasn't worried about what she was about to find down in the basement. She had broken into the school, hopefully nobody had thought to increase security since the big build.

It was a Sunday and she had dropped Dawn off at the movies with a guy. She had grilled him mercilessly as Dawn had forgotten to tell him to wait for her inside. Dawn was so going to get her back for it, she insisted.

Her and Buffy had caught up over coffee the same way they always had in the Summer's kitchen. Saffron told tales of being on the run and Buffy the usual monsters of the week. There had been a distinct lack of big bads since Saff had been away. Buffy knew that Spike hadn't actually cheated on her, as did everyone by now. But nobody except Saff knew about where he was now residing.

There he was, squatting in the corner with his head back against the wall. He rested his hands on his knees as he stared blankly into the distance. He winced every now and again as if he was listening intently to something (or someone) unpleasant. Saff chucked the crowbar to the floor, making Spike jump. He whipped his head up, a flash of fear in his eyes before he half-recognised her. She apologised for disturbing him, his lingering gaze told her that he wanted to pull her into his arms but his mind was confused and he seemed to being berated by anxiety.

She took a jar out from the plastic bag she had brought, trying to be as gentle as possible.

"I'm sorry it's cold, but it's the best I could do…" She apologised, twisting the top off for him and offering it to him, "Please take it… it's pig mixed with burbaweed, your favourite" he looked at it, his stomach gurgling loud, but he shook his head profusely, pushing the jar away from him.

"Two wrongs don't make it right. Please... make it right. Can't you make it right?"

"It's animal, I promise…" He took it, drinking from it. Not stopping until it was finished. Looking around for more, she reaches and passes him another jar. Having to go through the whole process again, convincing him it was animal.

Saff tried so desperately to get through to him. She took her shades off, rubbing her eyes in exhaustion. When she looked back up, their eyes properly meeting as she spoke.

She strung together several incredibly heartfelt apologies, while she seemed to have his attention. She explained everything she could about how she had felt and why she had acted in such a horrible, evil, nasty way (her words). He seemed to understand, he was hanging on her every word at least.

"Your eyes" he put his hand on her cheek, rubbing softly. She felt his shock that she was really there.

"They're permanently like this now – don't even wear contacts, my sight is perfect. Go figure right?"

"I miss her" He whined, "My Honeysuckle, sweet and…" He cut himself off, a sob catching in his throat as he remembered. Bit her. Hurt her. Made her cut her hair off. She was never yours.

"I missed you too, Spike" She replied quickly, "What I said to you, I was angry, I really didn't mean it I was angry and cruel and well, I thought you had cheated on me… so I lashed out. Do you understand?" he nodded his head again.

"I love you" She whispered sadly, "I love you so much, babe… we'll get through this. Together right?"

He seemed to soften, crawling towards her, wishing to be close to her. Saff reached out for him, holding him, gently reassuring him as he settled into her touch. His eyes closing at the contact, this was all he had thought about for month. To be hers, to be worthy of being by her side.

Just as he started to relax into her touch, his own arms wrapping around her, he abruptly moved, scrambling backwards as if being pushed away by an invisible force.

"I'm trying! Can't you see!" He shouted towards the corner of the room, covering his head with his hands. Nothing Saff did could coax him back to her. She was consumed by sorrow and confusion, it made her dizzy as she felt it. She had to steady herself against the wall it was so strong. Even now with her ring and training this was something else.

She had a thought. Words that reminded him of her, of their shared past seemed to make him calmer.

"I'll be the ticket, if you're my collector…" She whispered, an empty hand lay in wait. Waiting for his hand to interlace with hers. She could only hope. Wish. Pray, even.

She waited, patiently, not wanting to upset him. She just wanted him to be okay. He looked into her eyes again. They sparkle, her eyes sparkle when she smiles. Her beauty radiant, her heart pure…

"I've got the fare if you're my inspector" he replied from memory, moved towards her cautiously again, as if he was expecting to be struck. But he soon took her expectant hand. He stared down at the way their fingers interlaced. It was her. He gasped. Could it be? He clutched their joined hands to his heart as he had with both of their hands that day.

But the other memories flooded back too. Her vampire form. Her pain. His agreement to keep it from her. All this guilt, muddling through his head plus all the historic pain he had caused hundreds of people on top of that.

His eyes started to glisten with emotion, his troubled mind couldn't be ceased. Not even by her. His Honeysuckle. She couldn't be yours, never was yours.

Saff watched his inner turmoil, at a complete loss. She couldn't figure out how to help him. Her influence wasn't even touching a fraction of his pain. She sobbed for him, with him and when there was no more tears left to fall, both slipped into a fitful sleep.

When Saff woke, he was lying on her chest, using it as a pillow. Stroking through his hair, she frowned as he started to mumble a string of nonsense. His throat hitched in a sob, but he clung to her, snuggling close into her. She could tell he knew it was her, she could feel a tiny (so small you could almost miss it) glimmer of happiness. Comfort. The kind he only ever got from her.

But it wasn't enough. Fuck, why wasn't it enough? She just wanted to make it better. She wanted to take all of his pain and absorb it in herself.

She looked around, her bleary eyes obscuring the faint light coming from somewhere. She had been there too long. Shit. It's the fucking school bell. Spike got up instantly, pressing his hands to his ears and screwing his eyes up until it stopped. It was Monday morning.

She scrambled to get up, a thousand apologies to Spike as she promised she would be back as soon as possible. She tried to look nonchalant walking through the school halls with the worlds worst disguise.

As per her usual luck, she managed to crash straight into Buffy and Dawn as she rounded a corner thinking she was clear of the school. Xander reached for her and steadied her so she didn't make more of an embarrassment of herself and fall to the floor.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

"What're you doing here?"

"Yeah, and why are you dressed like that?" Dawn scrunched up her nose, hoping that nobody had noticed her and the family that kept insisting on embarrassing her.

"Uh, I'm giving a talk… about alternative career plans… Principal Wood invited me"

"And your career plan would be…?"

"I'm an entrepreneur, Buffy. I have a lucrative tarot and fortune telling business that has a large profit margin and-"

"What are you really doing here?"

"I'm telling you! I'm giving a talk and handing out some fliers. Ask the principal" She bluffed easily, hoping against all hope that the blocking of emotions that Buffy had taught her was working on her, "Hey Dawny! Tell all your friends!" she added cheerily.

"Buffy already totally embarrassed me on my first day, now you have to speak in front of the entire student body! It's like you all want me to be unpopular until my thirties or something!"

"Dawn!" Buffy looked outraged, "We're going for at least 40"

"That's right, this is a conspiracy not an opportunity for me to get more money coming in" Saffron raised her eyebrows, mock offended at the pair not believing her.

"Just don't say we're related!" Dawn exclaimed.

"Oh, Dawny, I've already printed a t-shirt with your face on it! It says 'proud cousin' in large pink letters" She said, poker-faced. Buffy couldn't help laughing. She'd realluy missed Saff being around.

Dawn put her fingers into a 'W' mouthing 'whatever' and telling her cousin that she totally didn't care.

"You know the 'W' is meant to be instead of having to say whatever, you might as well not have bothered Dawny!" Shouted at her down the corridor so that everyone who was still hanging around the corridor looked between the girl and Dawn slipped into a classroom out of sight.

Buffy and Xander gave her a suspicious look, but shrugged saying they would see her later.

xoxoxo

After this, just because she was a glutton for punishment, Saff had marched straight to Principal Wood's office and, ignoring the receptionist, knocked on the door. She didn't wait for him to answer.

"Hi, I'm Saffron Page, you may remember me as the Brunch deliverer" she smiled a smile that she hoped seemed genuine. She really wasn't in the mood for this.

"Ah yes, Miss Page. I actually read your file. Glad to see you have overcome your attitude problem"

"It said that!? That bastard" She muttered to the floor, hoping that Snyder had heard her from down there.

"…or not"

"Sorry, it was our principal. Snyder. He had it out for me. I'm actually very successful now and I'm willing to offer you my… service"

"How are you going to… service me?" Wood raised a bemused eyebrow.

"Oh god, I didn't mean it to sound like that. I meant that I am actually the owner of a small business and I thought I could give a small talk about career opportunities after high school"

"That actually sounds great. Talk to my secretary about your availability"

"Actually I was hoping I could do it today"

"Is there a reason for this rush?"

"I have this speech prepared and a little demonstration. I get stage fright so… the sooner I do it the better it'll be" She could see him wavering. She influenced his emotions to be enthusiastic, removing the doubt. It was only a small influence, she told herself waving her own guilt away. "Sure, why not. How's two for your talk then you can give out advice at the end?"

"That sounds great, I'll go and practice… in the basement… for privacy"

She returned to Spike via the school staffroom. She had warmed up some of the animal blood that she had brought for him in her backpack. He all but snatched it from her, crouching in the corner of the room, facing away from her and drinking deeply. She paced as he stayed in his corner, narrating her

"I've backed myself into a corner. I'm giving a fucking speech at the school" She sighed at herself. She really had to stop lying. It was how she got herself into situations like this.

She sat, crossing her legs on the floor a little way away from him. She asked him where he had been. But he didn't speak. He couldn't tell her about Africa. About the fights he had endured. So, she spoke instead. She spoke about killing Oleander, about feeling parts of herself crumble and disintegrate too. She spoke about Willow and England. She even told him about what she was doing now, looking at the man she loved, worrying more than she ever had before.

The only reaction she had received was at the mention of Oleander's name, Spike growled. It was as if the animal side of him was barely below the surface. Every emotion of his was. Especially pain. Guilt. She could feel everything in excruciating detail.

Eventually, she had to leave. It left her in shreds. She didn't want to leave him but she had to. She had to get her one woman show on the road. She would prefer an apocalypse or even a nice, quick and easy death over this.

xoxoxo

"So, school… boring right? That's kind of like work. Only, if you… if you like the work you do… it's sort of okay… sometimes."

She could hear the collective yawn of about a hundred teenagers.

"Shit, I'm fucking boring myself here" She muttered, a bubble of laughter raised up from the audience. She cursed herself, she probably wasn't supposed to swear at these sorts of things.

She eventually managed to get into the swing of it, acting the part. Explaining about her tarot business. She could tell some of them were actually interested by this point. Perhaps if only because they liked the idea of reading tarot and not needing to do any exams for this kind of work. Except this one kid. He was muttering all the way through her little speech.

Her impulsive nature took hold of her and she invited him up to the front. He clearly just didn't believe in tarot reading. Which was a pretty mundane part of living in Sunnydale.

"Why don't we make a bet out of it? If I get it wrong, or tell you something that I couldn't possibly know, you'll tell the room I'm right?"

Dawn watched, knowing this could end badly for the guy. It was okay, she didn't like him much anyway, he was mean to her friend.

"Yeah sure" he shrugged, making some kind of stupid comment about Saffron's appearance.

She started her reading, channelling the cards and giving him a really good reading despite him not even paying her for it.

"ok, dude, you keep pretending this is real" He laughed, starting to get up. She looked at him, feeling his emotions. Insecurity. Keeps looking at the girl at the front. Jealousy. Bingo.

She dropped her voice so that only he could hear: "How long have you known your girlfriend was cheating on you?"

His face dropped. Cheeks an unflattering shade of red. He stormed out, slamming the door behind him.

"What did you say to him!?" someone called out.

"Well, if I remember rightly, with the rate gossip travels at this school, you'll hear about it in about half an hours' time" She smiled, "Anyone else want a go?"

Everyone's hands shot up. She had actually won over the room. Without any need to influence them. Maybe I do hold the truth in the palm of my hand. Nah, what a load of shit.

She eventually finished by doing a quick fire round telling random people from the audience what they were feeling. There was an excited buzz around the room as everyone was amazed at her party trick. Because in Sunnydale, even seeing wasn't believing.

At the end, she waited around on a little stall littered with flyers. Speaking to any of the kids that had questions for her as they left the hall. One girl, a blonde, came up to ask for some advice. A chill raised on the back of Saff's neck as she introduced herself as Cassie.

"Have you ever seen your own death coming?" She asked, looking her in the eye.

"Which one?" Saff muttered to herself. Then faltered. This kid shouldn't be thinking about this, "Uh, I've seen some things"

"What would you do if you knew it was all ending?" Cassie had a dead look behind her eye as if she was reading Saffron's soul. It sent another chill shooting down her spine.

"Look, maybe you should talk to me about this another time okay? I do readings every week in these places, come and visit me and we can talk yeah?" Saff pointed to the fliers but could see Dawn walking towards them and smiled, about to call her over but Cassie grabbed her wrist.

"Fourth time's the charm" before letting go and all but lassoing a bracelet made out of thread onto Saff's wrist tightly. It was the kind of bracelet a child would make for their friends. It had four colours entwined into it, green, purple, silver and red. Hideous colours, Saffron rolled her eyes. It was tight on her wrist, the only way she would get it off would be to cut it. She started to ask her what the fuck she thought she was doing but Cassie had already turned away, getting lost in the crowd of people. Saffron stared after her, creeped out. She shook her mind from it and looked for her cousin and jumped when she realised that Dawn was stood right next to her.

"Shit, you scared me!" She clutched her chest, "You like my assembly?"

"They think you're cool, if only they knew" Dawn joked, rolling her eyes at her cousin. She had really missed her.

Eventually, Saff packed up her stuff and joined Dawn on the walk home. Saff lit up a cigarette (what, even the truest sight in the world has got to have some vices still, right?) and told Dawn to catch her up on all the high school drama that she had missed. And wow, had she missed a lot. Dawn didn't even stop for breath.

You could say she opened a can of worms, but that would have been signing their fate. Because, just as they stepped onto one of the streets near their home, a massive worm type beast broke through the concrete of the road as if it were soil and slithered away. Dawn whipped out her cell and started frantically texting.

"Messaging Buffy or big worm sighting dot org?"

"Funny. Buffy, obviously. Can we get out of here, that was… ooky"

When they returned, the group had already assembled. Including, to Saff's utter shock, Spike who had appeared in the doorway. His hair was freshly dyed, he was wearing what looked like actual clean clothes and he wasn't looking in her direction. He looked and acted completely different than he had done only hours before.

"Spike?" Spike walked towards her, but turned towards her cousin instead. Saff couldn't pretend she wasn't hurt. But she guessed she deserved it. After everything. No amount of apologising could paper over the cruel way she spoke to him. Because she had felt that was exactly what she could say to hurt him in the worst way possible.

"Slayer, we need to talk"

"Uh, when did you come back?"

"Now, Slayer." He demanded and, to everyone's surprise, Buffy followed him into the hall. She was very aware she could feel his emotions when she couldn't before.

"Saff doesn't know does she? She can't know… can't know"

"What?"

"L.A, the killing and the maiming and the… leather" He couldn't help repeating the way she had spoke of her dreams, "She can't know… she can never, ever know" He insisted, he could never let her feel like this. The guilt. The guilt was in every cell. Every fibre.

"We did the spell, she'll be fine. What's gotten into you?" Buffy asked, almost knocked to the ground with the guilt she felt from him. It was pressing down on her, so strong, she had never felt an emotion like that… not since she last saw Angel. He shook his head, his fingers grazing across his hairline slightly as he appeared to be in deep thought.

When they returned, Spike was still weirdly cold towards her. She tried to get through to him again but he went with Buffy when they all split up to look for the big, gross worm. Buffy just shrugged her apology as Saff trailed after Xander and his new friend.

xoxoxo

After realising that Xander's friend had made a vengeful wish about her ex in the presence of Anya, they all met back up again at the Bronze. Anya rolled her eyes when she saw Xander, who had brought Saff, Spike, Buffy and some new woman along with him. She muttered something under her breath as they started to crowd around her table where she was trying to convince another woman to inflict vengeance on her ex over fruity cocktails.

Cocktails. Saffron had a flashback that she wasn't sure was her own. She was sipping on something fruity with a cute little umbrella in it, staring at Cordelia and… a girl named Fred. She could hear a faint buzzing as they spoke, but she didn't know what they were saying. She had licked her lips, hearing the quickening pulse of the girls in front of her. She shook her head, bringing herself back to the Bronze. What the fuck is wrong with you?

"Guys I'm working here" Anya's voice snapped Saff back out of the scene.

"We noticed"

"That's why we're here"

"Right, did you turn this nice lady's ex into a giant worm-monster?"

"Yes" Anya nodded, smiling. The woman, Nancy, was in shock that the worm was her ex and Xander seemed to be comforting her.

"I like it, your own flare and a bit of Sunnydale shit into the mix too. Inspired as usual, An" saffron complimented, she could feel that Anya wasn't going to listen to them if they started telling her off as if they were morally superior.

"Thank you Saff! It's nice to be appreciated, good to see you, can I get back to work?" Anya asked, looking around for her client. The others started to shout at her about turning the man into a worm, clearly not getting the memo. Saffron gave Buffy a look, trying to get her to use a bit more intuition, a little less guns blazing.

"She wished it, I dished it. I have a quota, what's the big?" Anya all but yawned, as Buffy continued to tell her off for creating the demon. She only faltered when she heard the worm had eaten the woman's dog. Nancy asked who Anya was and Xander had to reveal she was his ex, leading to Anya getting up and trying to leave.

"Ah, ah, ah. No you don't" Spike grabbed her and held her in place before she shrugged him off.

"Hey, hands off the merchandise, Spike, you don't get to go there!"

"Please. Never bloody went there in the first place, why would I want to start now?" Spike rolled his eyes at the woman before him and what she had implied when he had grabbed her. Saffron watched the exchange, cringing inwardly at what had been brought up.

"You're all so human…" Anya said with disdain, "No offence, Saff"

"None taken"

"I'm not. Demon, like yourself" Spike said, bringing the attention back onto him. Just as Anya stared at him. A little too deeply for Saffron's comfort, if she was being honest.

"Wow. I can… see you"

"Wh- shut up!"

"How did you do it?" She asked, amazed as she stared into his eyes.

"Spike? Spike, what does she mean?" Saff asked, a frown lining her forehead as Anya turned to her friend and was about to announce that she could see Spike's-

"Shut up!" Spike said, hitting Anya so forcefully she fell to the ground in a heap. She rolled onto her back, ready to get up but Spike stood over her and whacked her again. She quickly kicked him the force sending him flying backwards onto a pool table.

"I'm so gonna kick your ass" Anya smirked, having changed into her vengeance demon form.

"All right, you bitch-!"

"Spike! What the fuck!" Saff shouted, standing in front of him as he got up, trying to get to Anya again. Spike shrugged her off him, barely looking at her and focusing on Anya, the force almost knocking Saff to the ground. She hadn't expected that. Buffy stepped in, punching him in the face. Spike punched back and Saff stepped between them, grabbing Spike's fist and blocking him.

She had been training every day during her time hiding out in England. Well, there was fuck all else to do each day. He looked into her eyes, really looked. The shades had come off her face in the chaos. His blue eyes met her unnatural purple ones. She felt his emotions, he was hiding something. She was about to ask, but Spike spoke before she did, "I thought you said I was a monster? Don't you want to see it at work?"

"Spike… I know you're having a tough time right now, this isn't you, babe…" It isn't Saff. It's not my Saffron.

"This is me! Who I've always been! Come on love, can't you even try to put up a fight?"

"I don't want to hurt you, Spike"

"You do think highly of yourself, don't you Honeysuckle? Just another soulless bastard for you and that slayer-bitch cousin of yours to get rid of. About to leave me dust in the wind are you? Like your good friend Hayley? Should have seen it coming, shouldn't I? Everyone that gets close to you dies-" Spike was cut off as Buffy landed a hard blow on his face. He was trying to rile Saffron up, get her to punch him. Her fists were clenched, but she couldn't. His words had hurt, her eyes watered threatening to roll down her cheeks any minute. Where Buffy turned straight to a fight, she didn't. Couldn't. It was bravado, she could feel it. He was covering for something. But what? And did she care after what he had just said to her with the sole purpose of trying to hurt her?

"Buffy! Nancy's gone and she's alone. She'll be worm bait!" Xander shouted over the brawl as Spike punched back. Buffy paused, looking between the other three and Saff nodded saying it would be fine. She ran off with Xander to find the woman they had been helping. Saffron looked between Anya and Spike, making a decision. She pointed out Anya's client from earlier about to leave and Anya went rushing after her. Saff then turned to Spike, a cocky smirk on his face which had changed to his game face during the fight.

Saff wordlessly gesturing with her head for him to follow her and walked towards the exit of the Bronze. Spike followed her slowly as she stopped a little way from the entrance of the Bronze.

"You're hiding something" She said, offering him a cigarette and he looked at her with eyes raised but took it.

"You think I'm a soulless, repulsive beast" He said, lighting up and staring forwards.

"To be fair, I never used those exact words, babe. I was angry, I thought you had cheated on me with Anya of all people… you said you understood" She said, inhaling the thick smoke, staring in the same direction as him. They both stood in silence for a while, smoking and staring into the distance.

"I'm s-" Spike started, but he was cut off with a shake of Saff's head.

"You don't need to apologise. When you think about it, we're even now" She winked, flicking ash onto the floor. She could have sworn she saw a small smile on Spike's face, the first she had seen in a long time. The words he had uttered to her what felt like several lifetimes ago now, repeated back to him.

She considered asking what he wasn't telling her but guessed that he would tell her when he felt up to it. She saw Xander walk back into the Bronze with Anya, they were whispering loudly at each other. Spike flinched, he heard something. He looked in the direction the sound came from, "The worm?" She asked as Spike nodded. They both flicked their cigarettes into the night and ran off in the direction of the sound.

They caught up to Buffy who was defending Nancy against demon. Spike snapped a metal pipe from a nearby building and impaled what had now taken back on his human form. Anya must have reversed the wish.

"Sorry. So sorry" He whispered, pulling the pipe back out of the naked man. All of his lucidity drained from him. His mind got stuck again. Replaying horrible scenes of past killings. His mind descended in guilt. The look of pure anguish on his face was almost more painful that the feeling of the emotion that permeated in the air.

"Get him out of here! Now!" Buffy ordered, rushing over the human that had just transformed from being that horrible slug-off worm thing.

"Right. Wrong. God help me, please, help me!" Spike's voice got louder as he spoke before descending back into mumbling, repeating phrases over and over in his guilt.

"Spike, babe? It's okay, you-you didn't know that would happen-" Saff immediately reached out to him.

"S-stay away!" He shouted, moving from Saff as she tried to embrace him softly. "Stay away!" He repeated louder before he started as if to move away. Then he quickly grabbed her by the shoulders, his grip tight, tight enough to make her yelp in surprise.

"It's the beginning of the end, love. This, all of this, is a circus of our making. From beneath you, it devours" He grinned, starting to laugh, before he swatted at something by the side of his head. Loosening his grip enough for her to move back.

Buffy watched, concerned at the exchange as she crouched over the man who had been impaled, trying to keep him comfortable. Spike started to sob, abruptly running away.

Saff stood there, confused and helpless. She was spooked. But, she couldn't let him leave like that. He was clearly distressed. She followed after him, barely able to keep up. But was able to by following the strong guilt and sorrow emoting from him.

She turned the corner, on an unfamiliar street, briefly noticing that Spike slipped into a doorway which made her stop abruptly. He was entering a church.

What could he be doing in a church?