~ heavy trigger warnings through this story, if you are going through or having thoughts of similar, please seek help & support 3 . There will be some fluff, but it does get dark. All mistakes are my own - feedback welcome! :) ~

It had been another tough case, another psychotic murderer that Emily had to flirt with in order to catch. It made her feel dirty, off. Reminded her too much of her time as Lauren and it always took her a while to recover. She took a seat at the back of the jet to try and wind down on the way home, it's not like the team were expecting to spend time with her. They were all still pissed at her for faking her death.

Emily, so lost in her thought, wasn't even aware that she was biting her nails until they bled. JJ noticed though. JJ had noticed Emily was different since she came back from Paris, more distant. She didn't try to reconnect with the team, instead choosing to side with them and put herself down.

Emily was jolted from her thoughts as she felt tears forming in her eyes, looking down she realised she had blood all round her fingers. Why did she ever think she could just come back like nothing had happened. Everything had changed. Her family had moved on and she had no place here anymore.

Getting up and walking to the toilet, she couldn't shake the thoughts that she shouldn't have come back. She should have stayed dead.

Her arms were burning, the cuts she had made, all at varying points of healing, ached.

Leaning on the sink and looking into the mirror, she willed herself to stop, to hold herself together until she got back to her apartment. She hated that she had fallen back into these bad habits. Emily had always ended up hurting herself when compartmentalizing stopped working, when something particularly difficult just would not fit nicely into a box. When her mum first moved her schools, leading up to and of course after her abortion, all through her time as Lauren and the time after, when she first started at the BAU when the rejection she felt was just too much, and of course when Doyle re-emerged. She hasn't stopped since. If she does, she'll fall apart and that can't happen.

If she can just make it until she gets home she'll be fine. She can take her time, go through her routine.

The burning on her arms was too much though, pulling her sleeve up she scratched at her newest cuts, only just scabbed over. Successfully scratching off the scab she watched as it bled, relishing in the cool refreshing feeling of the wet blood on her skin. Finally she felt like she could breathe again as her thoughts quietened down.

In the main area of the jet, JJ was watching Emily when she suddenly got up to go to the toilet. She had seen the tears forming in her eyes and the blood on her finger tips, and it only served to make her more concerned for her friend.

Emily was suddenly jolted from her thoughts as someone knocked on the door.

"Prentiss! Are you done!"

Great, that was exactly what her nerves needed. She didn't want to upset the team any more than she had, she'd been trying to stay out of their way as much as possible. Shaking her self deprecating thoughts and pulling her sleeves down she opened the door. Without looking Morgan in the eyes, she said a quick apology and went back to her seat. Shit, her arm was still bleeding, she could feel it sticking to her shirt sleeves. God it felt so good, the wetness on her skin, it calmed her. Emily suddenly became aware of the eyes on her, Morgan looking at her as he walked past, and JJ. Always JJ. Even when she was in Paris, JJ was the one constant from her life with the BAU, the only one that kept her grounded and stopped her from losing herself. JJ knew something was wrong way back in Paris and Emily knew she had her work cut out to stop her from worrying about her. God knows she wasn't worth it. In an attempt to hide the damage she had done, she grabbed her jacket and pulled it on. That should work until she gets home.

Staring out the window of the jet, biting her nails and bouncing her leg, she watched as the airport came into view. It was almost over.

This is when JJ sat down in the seat next to her. Seatbelt on, they were landing and there was no escape for Emily.

"Em. What's going on?"

Rolling her eyes as she looked over, giving a small smile she replied

"Nothing Jen, I'm just tired, it's been a long few days"

"Emily, this was a hard case, and Hotch had no right to ask you to do that. Knowing what you went through with Doyle, and what you had to do .. with him. Having to do that back there must have been hard. It's ok. It's ok to not be ok right now."

Emily gave a sad laugh,

"It's ok JJ, really. We had to get answers from him. We had to give him what he wanted. He had to think he had a fan, he had to think he had a chance. That he had another victim. And hey, look, we got the guy. What have I got to complain about? I'm fine. I can take it."

JJ didn't know how to respond to that. Emily had always been good at compartmentalizing but this wasn't the same. She had never seen Emily so distant and dismissive following a case.

"Well Emily, as much as you think it's fine, I don't. I'll speak to PG and we'll come round for drinks tonight. I've got wine that needs to be drunk, and we're in desperate need for a girls night! No excuses. We'll be round once I've stopped in at home."

She smiled knowing Penelope wouldn't agree, she had been distant since Emily got back. However she knew JJ wouldn't back down, and she didn't have the energy to even try, Emily relented and agreed to see them later. Happy in the knowledge they probably wouldn't come.