The drive from the airfield wasn't long enough for Emily to clear her mind and now here she was in her messy apartment not knowing what to do first. Memories from previous girls nights filled her mind. God she really missed her family. She made a deal with herself, she would tidy up a bit, and when JJ and Penelope didn't arrive tonight, she would follow her routine and silence the voice in her head.
Wandering around her apartment she didn't know where to start as she mindlessly picked up Sergio and got his food out the kitchen cupboard.
In every room, an amalgamation of countless nights drowning out the noise in her head with alcohol. Bottles of wine, beer, vodka, and liquor littered every surface. Dishes piled high in the kitchen, bins overflowing. Clothes strewn across the bedroom floor. Wet towels on the floor in the bathroom and blood stained razors on the sink.
She didn't have long so she started in the kitchen, taking the bin outside, and cleaning all the dirty dishes.
As time went on she wished she'd fought JJ on it more. She should have insisted she was too tired. She wasn't emotionally ready for this, not when her arms were on fire. She tried not to look at the fiery red lines marking her arms but it was all she could think about. Maybe she had time to ease the thoughts before they got here, just once, she'd be quick.
The buzzing of her phone pulled her from her daze showing a message from JJ.
Fuck. They were coming and they were almost here. Both of them. With wet hands, Emily ran her hand through her hair looking out at the living room. There were still bottles everywhere and she didn't have time to take them all out before they got here. She quickly rushed to the bathroom and grabbed the towels, throwing them into the laundry basket, and covering the clothes on her bed with her duvet. That only left the bottles. Grabbing the recycling box she started throwing the bottles in. God there were so many. Looking out the window she saw JJ's car pull into the parking lot. Knowing she didn't have time to take the bottles outside, she hid the overflowing box into a kitchen cupboard.
It wasn't until she pulled three wine glasses out in preparation she realised she still had her bloody shirt in from earlier. As the doorbell rang out, she ran into her room, ripping off her shirt and throwing on an oversized sweatshirt she moved to open the door.
JJ stood smiling at her holding up a couple of bottles of wine. As she moved inside, Emily saw Penelope standing looking unsure, unable to look Emily in the eye as she whispered a quick hi as she followed JJ in. It took Emily a second to recover, smile faltering as she realised just how much she'd fucked everyone up. Letting out the breath she hadn't realised she was holding she shut the door and walked towards the living room.
JJ hadn't seen Emily's house so unorganised, she usually had a space for everything, but looking around the living room she could see her cushions were crumpled, drink stains on the carpet, the plants she had kept seemed like they were long gone, curtains closed, and a copious amount of ring stains from drinks across her coffee table. She locked eyes with Penelope as she entered the room as they both shared the same thought. Maybe Emily wasn't doing as well as they thought since she'd been back.
Penelope felt a pang of guilt at ignoring Emily all this time.
"Ok ladies, I don't have much in the way of food right now, but I figured we can order something if you want."
Walking into the room, Emily's smile faltered as she was stopped by the look on the others' faces.
"What? What's happened? What's wrong?"
"Emily, you're still in your work trousers and boots. You've not even taken your gun off. But you've changed your sweater. What's going on?"
Emily looked away from JJ and headed back to the kitchen, stuttering her reply.
"JJ it's fine, I had to tidy up a bit when I got home and got water on my shirt so changed it. No biggy"
"Emily, you never leave for a case with your house untidy. Where are your plants? Your photos?"
"JJ. Stop profiling me."
Emily replied sternly, walking back into the room with the wine glasses.
"Now c'mon, that wine's not going to drink itself!"
Moving to the couch, they all sat down as JJ opened and poured the first bottle of wine. Sighing and sitting back, Emily mindlessly put on a film for background noise and settled in to listen to her friends.
Getting the hint that Emily wasn't up for talking about herself, JJ set about asking Penelope about Kevin.
Emily was zoning in and out of the conversation, honestly just glad that she wasn't alone. She'd spent so long alone and she'd forgotten what it was like to have people around. She smiled to herself as she thought about things going back to the way they were before; she could have her family back. As she zoned back into the conversation however, she heard them talking about life while she was gone. They'd had family dinners at JJ's. All of them. Together. They had new inside jokes, new memories. All of them without her.
Emily started to feel flustered. She couldn't do this. She shouldn't be here. They shouldn't be here with her. She wasn't worth it. She could feel her chest tightening, her mind in overdrive. The voices were getting noisy again.
She was pulled from her thoughts when she felt soft hands holding hers. Focussing her eyes she was looking right at JJ, her face was so close. Why was JJ holding her hand? Glancing down she saw the reason.
Red wine stained her carpet surrounded by broken glass. Looking at her hand, it was covered in blood.
"Emily? Em, are you ok? Can you look at me? Your glass smashed and you cut your hand. Why don't you come with me and we'll get that cleaned up?"
"I .. Im fine. It's fine. I'll be back in a minute"
Pulling her hand away she pushed past a shocked looking Penelope and into the bathroom locking the door.
Penelope looked at JJ confused
"What.. what the hell was that JJ? Is she ok?!"
"I don't know Pen."
JJ stood, running her hands through her hair and pushing it back into a ponytail as she moved to the kitchen to get a cloth for the mess.
"Let's just get this cleaned up."
The girls began opening the cupboards in the kitchen looking for kitchen towels to wipe the spill, and a bag to put the broken glass into. JJ turned when she heard a gasp come from Penelope.
"Oh no. It looks like our girl's been drinking more than we thought. There must be hundreds of bottles in these cupboards."
Glancing inside the cupboard quickly, JJ moved towards the bathroom door and knocked gently while Garcia went to tend to the mess.
"Em, you ok in there?"
Emily was still trying to silence the voices when she heard JJ's soft words. She had cleaned up her hand and was just staring at the blades left from earlier in the week on her counter top. Upon hearing JJ's voice, she picked one up and slipped it into her back pocket before moving her head up to stare at herself blankly in the mirror. Her brain was so noisy, she couldn't do this anymore, she needed to silence the voices and she couldn't do that with the others here. Wiping her eyes with the backs of her hand, she sniffed a breath in, shook her head and exhaled. She could do this, just a little longer. Pushing the door open, she walked right into a concerned looking JJ.
"Sorry girls. Looks like I'm even more clumsy when I'm tired! It's been a long few days and I think I'm going to turn in for the night. I appreciate you both coming, it really means a lot."
Plastering on a smile, Emily pushed past JJ and into the livingroom to collect the remaining glasses to wash. She was stopped in her tracks in her hallway by the other two girls.
"Emily, you don't have to pretend with us. We've seen your cupboards and the sheer amount of empty bottles is concerning"
Rolling her eyes at JJ's words, Emily hastily replied
"I'm fine guys, honestly. I just haven't taken them out to the recycling bin since I got back from Paris, it's not that much over a few months, there's no need to worry. I am tired though so I'll see you guys tomorrow at the office?"
She left no room for discussion and was happy to see Penelope give a small nod, moving to get hers and JJ's coats. She gave both the girls a hug, wished them a safe journey home and a promise to see them in the morning.
"Promise you'll text me if you need anything?"
"Of course Jayj."
Emily gave the girls a final smile and wave before closing and locking the door behind them. Turning on her heel, she moved to retrieve the last bottle of vodka hidden at the back of her kitchen cupboards.
Throwing herself back onto her couch, she twisted the cap off and took her first proper drink of the evening. God it felt so good sliding down her throat. Numbing her senses as it went. She took another gulp before wincing at the aftertaste and putting it down. She was starting to feel a nice warm fuzziness enveloping her. She smiled to herself as she pulled the blade out her back pocket. Twisting it in her hands she thought about what she was doing. She was punishing herself for the choices she had made leading up to this point. It was simple really, but she doubted anyone else would understand. She had heard the loud whispers of her team when they thought she couldn't hear. They were disgusted with her for what she did when she was Lauren. And honestly so was she. They were angry she left to confront him alone and died. But she knew the real reason they were mad. They were mad at her for coming back. She was under no illusion that her dying would be difficult for them, would stay with them forever. But they were healing, they had put her behind them when she returned and threw their whole lives for a tailspin. They couldn't trust her anymore because she had lied to them and hurt them. Aimlessly running her hand over the scar on her stomach she couldn't help but think that she should have died for real. But she didn't. And here she was. Punishing herself the only way she knew how. Forcing her emotions away the only way she knew how.
Lost in thought Emily took another gulp from her bottle, pulled her left sleeve up and pressed the blade to it. She lost count of the amount of times she pulled the blade across her arm before she dropped it in favour of the bottle. The numbness from the alcohol kicking in, and the cool wetness on her arm were a match made in heaven. She smiled to herself as she lowered her head down to the couch to sleep.