Reviews:
iOptimumReaper:
Mark: No! Too fucking dangerous! I don't want Ponyville becoming a jizzbath of orgasmic porportions!
Ictherion: I didn't even mention it to my co-author, he just wrote it out!
LexiconHuka: Yea, you're safe. I should really post the list I have at the moment...
IronicNounAndVerbCombo: Depends on the phone. What model and company is it?
Guest(1):
Sand Dune: You do have a point, but it's more like we share a body and he doesn't really know about it yet*spoiler*
Guest(2): I will do that!
Guest(3): Sand Dune's easy, but I can't draw worth a crap.
Guest(4): It would be adorable, but I have plans.
MortBlackthorn: Oh God no.
Dragon'z Wrath: I certainly will!
Lone The Dark Hearted Wolf: Good for you.
stevemcgarret: Lone The Dark Hearted Wolf.
NLRPony LOL: Thanks! Except it was RenaTamer's chapter, more or less.
RenaTamer: Bruh, you don't have to ask me over a review.
rainchaserbrony: Shit, I have so many OCs in my list I completely forgot who's created by who. Mind telling me again?
Co-Author's Note: "Coffeecoffeecoffee... Java!"
"No, bad Pinkie," RT had to hold the pot of black liquid over his head to keep the manic pony from getting her hooves on it and destroying reality. "Back, back I say... the power of Christ compels you..."
"Give Pinkie coffee," her voice suddenly took on a Russian accent and became male. "Yes, give coffee to Pinkie now!"
"...help..."
"Yah know," Applejack gave out a contented sigh while enjoying her afterglow. "Ah was planning to give yah a scolding, practiced chewing Ah out all the way up here, fer five whole days…" Bet it wasn't fun for the others.
"So the bear-hug you gave me..." I wondered aloud as I waited for feeling to return everything below my waist.
"Ah couldn't help mah self," AJ giggled, absently rubbing her belly with a hoof. "And it's not like we had a lot a time to just sit 'n talk sense gettin' here."
"So what did I do to make you so mad?" I asked as I reached out and pulled my farm mare into my arms.
"Where to start," she gave a groaning chuckle.
"That bad huh?"
"Yah took Apple out a school and took her into a dangerous situation," AJ snorted and cuddled closer. "She's already missed a week of schoolin. You brought young changeling to the frozen north, and you know they have a problem with the cold. And to top it off, there's some mad pony is out there threatenin' to take over the empire."
"You know, when you say it like that…" I groaned. Fuck me, what the hell was I thinking.
"Ah didn't say anything about the relief mission because it was supposed to be safe." Applejack was now nuzzling my chest as she spoke in a soft voice, we were not arguing or fighting in any way, she was just speaking her mind and I was listening… hey, it works for us. "But yah knew there would be danger here," she continued. "So Ah got pretty mad when Ah found out you dragged our daughter up here without even talking ta me."
"I'm sorry honey," I apologized while gently running my fingers through her mane. "I'm just so used to her being with me that I forget she's my daughter and think of her as almost part of my equipment…" And I find that absolutely disgusting.
"It's not all yah'r fault," AJ yawned as sleep called out to her. "Apple loves yah and would follow yah…into the maw…of Tartarus." I sighed as I was finally able to get to my feet.
"I hope that it won't come to that, and we both know it." I muttered, gently slinging the mare over my shoulder.
[later]
"I see you finally came." Sven said with a lewd grin. We were currently in the throne room, with AJ still fast asleep.
"Shut it." I said as I placed her next to Fluttershy. As I did so, I noticed something bumpy under my right sleve. "What the shit?" I muttered after attempting to pull it up. Instead of sliding over my skin smoothly, they were ripped to shreads by black crystals growing out of my arm. At the moment, it was just Cadence, Sven, an unconscious AJ, Apple, and I standing around. Don't want to know why Sven was with Lovebutt.
"Are you *yawn* alright?" Cadence asked, her eyes drooping like mad. I nodded and told Apple to go get the Princess a cup of coffee. While she did so, Twilight and co. appeared.
"...And do a little shake!" Cadence and Sparkle finished their silly little dance. Once done, Cadence noticed the condition of Shiny." What happened?!"
"Sombra." Armor sighed. "I can't do magic."
"They're anchored into his horn." I added. "Black magicks did this, so he's stuck with them until they're surgically removed." Cadence and Shining paled.
"When I get the proper tools, I can easily get rid of them." Doc assured the pair. "With no perminent damage to Prince Shining Armor's horn, Princess." The tone of 'nofuckingnonsense' was projected to me as well, forcing me to recognize this as a serious matter. Thus, I took the reins of a Brigader General and dealt with the formalities.
"What's the current medical level of the Empire?" I asked, stepping forward with my arms clasped behind my back. The crystals dug into my back a little, but I ignored the pain.
"Leeching." Princess Cadence sighed. I think Dawn heard the syncronized face appendage everyone except the Prince and Princess preformed.
"Of course..." Doc sighed as he dug through his backpack. After a moment, he frowned. "I left most of my kit back home."
"Private Gallan, Unterscharführer Schmidt." I said before I about-faced. "I'd like you two to escort Chief Medical Officer Thompson to the hospital so he can gain intelligence on how far we have to advance them." They both gave a salute before nodding to Doc. The three of them left, though I saw Gallan, Thompson, and Twilight shook me a confused glance at Schmidt's rank.
"What in the hell is an 'Unterscharführer'?" Blake asked in confusion.
"A squad leader in the SS." I answered. "The SS were the Nazis of the Nazis." I added after a moment. "Pretty much no emotion, and all were prime examples of the Ayran race in look."
"And you're letting him run around without supervision, with his weapons." Duffy deadpanned. I shrugged with a grin, causing him to sigh. "If he kills me, I'll never speak to you again."
"Point taken." I chuckled, before rubbing my hands together. "Until we get AJ to wake up, why don't the rest of you bring the Elements to their rooms? I'm sure they're tired."
"But what ab-" Twilight started, but I cut her off as I knew what she was going to talk about.
"Relax, Twilight." I said. "We'll have plenty of time to help the empire later. I'm not asking you to sit by and let Sombra take over, just asking you to go take a nap."
"Fine..." She sighed. "When Applejack wakes up, could you send for us?"
"Was planning on it, Twi." I nodded and turned to Apple, who was flying in with two mugs of coffee. "Thanks, kid." I nodded to her before passing a mug to the Princess. "It'll keep you from being drowsy for a while. It's a little hot, so be careful." I added as I took a sip of my own. Cadence blew on the top to try and cool it down.
'What happened to your arm, dad?' Apple asked in my head, sensing that I didn't want to bring the topic up at the moment.
'Side effect of meeting Sombra face to smoke.' I told her. 'Don't worry, it doesn't hurt and I don't think it's spreading.' It certainly ain't bleeding.
'Didn't the side effect cause you to rut mom?' That question made me do a glorious spittake. I coughed for a moment, trying to clear my lungs of coffee.
'No!' I half yelled, face heating up. 'That was that blasted Love Cannon Max gave me!' My mental outburst caused Apple to giggle. As I regained my mental clarity, Cadence drank her coffee.
The world exploded. No, wait, that's when Pinkie drinks coffee. Heard that Surprise ended up in the Wonderbolts, actually.
Half a second later, we ended up outside from some sort of fucking explosion of the magical variety. Peering inside showed that Cadence was fucking brimming with energy, while Shiny was still afflicted with his crystal horn problem. A brief glance outside showed that the shield was brighter than it was half an hour ago, proving that the explosion ended up reinforcing it.
"Note to self." I groaned, getting to my feet. "Coffee makes alicorns explode." For the first time in a long time, I felt...content with my life. Probably a side effect of the Princess' love magicks.
"W...What happened?" Applejack groaned, slowly waking up.
"Princess Cadence exploded magically." I shrugged. "The shield's more powerful for a while."
"Ah." She slowly got to her hooves. "What happen'd while Ah was out?"
"Not much." I said, before looking down at myself.
It was at about that moment that I figured out I was almost a foot shorter than AJ.
"Fuck your magic, Cadence." I muttered. I pulled my helmet out and stuck it on my head, before donning the rest of my armor. Apparently, it had a sensor or some shit that detected my form, because everything was filly sized, with a hole in the helmet for my forehead bone.
"The hell just happened?!" Was the general theme of the chatter on the radio.
"At ease!" I called out, shutting everyone up. They could recognize my voice, even if it was feminine. The fact that my call-sign appears when I talk is probably also another indicator.
"General, why did about a third of us become ponies?" Nutcracker asked.
"Princess Cadence mixed with coffee." I sighed. "The missions I gave you stay the same. T-Rex, bring the Elements sans Honesty to the throne room. If any of them are asleep, wake them it and tell that Honesty is, too." We had agreed a while ago to use their elements as callsigns while on-mission, because we had to stay professional.
"Right away, General." Thankfully, Max decided it was a good idea to listen to my orders, or else I would've gone and found Spike.
"Blake, Connor, Duffy, Gallan, Schmidt, Thompson; RTB." They gave various levels of confirmation before I turned off the talk function, subtly moving closer to AJ.
"So, what now Sugarcube?" AJ asked as I removed my helmet and attached it to my left hind leg. My pistol and energy sword fount their way to my right, while I slid my DMR and M1014 (at the moment) into an X pattern on my back. All done with the power of magics.
"Plan." I answered, taking a book out of my super pocket.
"Slipspace rupture detected!" Pinkie's voice rang out throughout the castle, causing me to giggle. I'm a female at the moment, so we giggle. Deal with it.
"What's that?" AJ asked as I walked into the throne room and nodded to Shiny, who looked confused. Cadence was sitting on her throne, vibrating on high speed.
"Book for Twilight." I answered. "A little birdie told me that she was being tested by Princess Celestia to find a way to protect the Empire."
"Ah noticed that yah're usin' titles an' honorifics, Sugarcube." AJ pointed out.
"I'm on duty, Applejack." I explained. "Forgive me ahead of time, because I'll sometimes call you 'Honesty', too. Same goes for the others. Their elements are their callsigns."
"And what are you being called when not 'General'?" Shining asked as we neared him. I snapped to attention, pony style, just for the honorifics. He knew it, too.
"Brigader General Sand Dune, callsign 'Bubba's Fish Market', reporting for duty, sir!" I said, brining an armored hoof to my brow in a clean salute. AJ snorted, trying not to laugh.
"At ease, General." He said, causing me to sigh.
"I hate honorifics." I muttered, relaxing and looking around. Shiny nodded, before looking curious.
"Just asking, but what are Cadence and I's callsigns?" He asked, causing me to grin.
"You're 'Cracker' and she's 'Candyass'." I said, shiteating grin intenfiying. This caused Cadence to blush, Shining to raise an eyebrow, and AJ to lose it.
"Where did 'Cracker' come from?" Shiny asked as we watched my wife transform into Giggletron 9000. All she knows is giggle!
"It's a kinda racist slur towards white humans." I shrugged. "Before that began, it was an honest job. A real 'cracker' is a white man who rode a horse, driving cattle. One of their main tools was a whip and a gun to both keep the cattle in line while keeping wolves and other vermin away." They knew our horses weren't really 'beings', so they ignored it.
"It fits, even if it's concidered racist." Shiny shrugged. I gave him the list of callsigns we had, all the way down to Schmidt being 'Kraut'.
If we had somebody from France, their callsign would be 'White Flag'.
"Why am I my pony form, and why can't I change back?" Kraut demanded as soon as his group of three entered.
"Cadence's magic got a boost." Sand Dune shrugged. "Because it's in the shield, we'll probably turn back when we leave." The changeling and yellow pegasus next to the purple unicorn sighed.
"We didn't get halfway there before you told us to RTB." Doc reported, giving me a salute after brushing his long, pink mane out of his face.
"I see that Honesty's awake, si-ma'am." 'Bug Boy' said, catching himself on the gender of his commanding officer. Sand Dune sighed for a moment, before nodding.
"Just waiting on the others, and the rest of the Elements. Once here, I want you all to cling to your respective elements like glue." She said, pacing in front of the group.
'I have to admit, that armour shows off her flanks quite we-' Shining shook his head. 'What the hay?! Sand Dune's a bucking filly! And I'm married!' What really worried Armor was that both Sand Dune and the changeling filly next to her were grinning in a way that blantly stated that they knew what he was thinking.
"We're here." Blake's voice saved Shiny, for the moment. Standing at the doors were two man-sized dragons (Blake and Duffy) and o'Drake. Both of them were holding M4A1 carbines, their 'primary' weapons slung across their backs.
"Good, we're all here." Doc said, before Apple's eyes widened a little.
"I just realized that Doc sounds exactly like Dawn!" She exclaimed, looking at her mothers. Dune thought for a moment, before facehoofing.
"And Dawn sounds like Morgan Freeman..." Both dragons and the human facevisor'd.
"Back on topic." Dune shook her head. "T-Rex, ETA on the Elements?"
"ETA momentarily." The alicorn answered. Twenty seconds later, the group appeared in the throne room. At this point, o'Drake had taken it upon himself to stare out of a window, lest he have a nervous breakdown. "Sorry about the wait, Twilight didn't want to wake up." Said unicorn blushed a little from the minor embarrasment.
"You might find this of use in your 'quest', Magic." Dune said, passing the book that was in front of Cadence over to said unicorn.
"'Magic'?" Twilight questioned as she took the book in her magical grip.
"Your codename, ma'am." Dune said, returning to her pacing. Twilight nodded as she started looking through the book that Schmidt extracted from the library a few days ago.
Dune slowly walked over to o'Drake after a moment.
"You don't have to look at me." She said before he could turn around. The human tensed up involuntarily. "I just want to know how you're holding up, Connor."
"I...Sometimes I just want to end it." He sighed, placing his head (minus the helmet) against the cool glass of the window. "I don't think you would know what I mean, though."
"I know exactly what you mean." Dune sighed, looking out the window. "To just give up and put buckshot or a .45 ACP through your brain bucket. I've had those thoughts ever since I landed here."
"What's stopped you?" He asked, hesitantly looking down at her. Dune took a moment to respond.
"My families." She finally answered. "Both old and new. I know for a fact that my wife back home would resurrect me to just kill me again if I took the coward's way out. Not to mention what AJ would do to me if I attempted it." She didn't want to mention that she sometimes spends up to an hour staring down the barrel of her M1911 with a bullet in the chamber and a bottle of whiskey in hand. Connor seemed to pick up on it, but didn't comment.
"What do you think I could do, Mark?" Connor whispered to where she could barely hear it.
"As a superior or as a friend?" She wanted him to clarify. Connor simply held out two fingers. "Find someone for yourself. It honestly doesn't matter who; pony, changeling, or whatever. Hell, you could probably have a chance with Ricotta or Nakitta."
"Thanks, Mark." Connor sighed. "You don't know how hard it is for me to live in this world."
"We all have our fears, Connor." Dune said. "Just remember that. I'm here for all of you, no matter what the issue is, bar murder."