Reviews:

iOptimumReaper:
Mark: I don't get anything up the ass, right?
Mary: That's what you're worried about? And aren't we bi?
Mark: Because I'm bi, that automatically means I like it up the ass?
Mary:...
Mark: Exactly.

rainchaserbrony:
Dawn: hmm...

MLPFan298: The fuck's a cremen?

Shodapop98: I've done shit like that before.

LexiconHuka:
Mark: No less than five hundred.
Mary: Jesus Christ, Mark.
Mark: What?
Mary: Just... -aggrevated sigh-

spartan1735: Yep. You see that shit that happened on Twitter the 13th? /pol/ started the #EndFathersDay thing.

frytrix: Sorry to hear that, but I know that I can't appease everybody. Good luck with whatever you're doing in life!

Lont The Dark Hearted Wolf:
Mark: You can't control me! *insert spaz attack*

"You're insane." Mary told me as I poked at the patch of poison joke with a gloved hand.

"And? This is the best chance I got at the moment." I retorted, plucking a flower carefully as to not get spores on me.

"We thought the same thing with sleeping in the same bed." Mary pointed out. I simply shrugged and started making paint balls with it.

If you know what you're doing, it's actually really easy to make homemade paint balls. I did it once with a bottle of .44 magnum hot sauce and hit my brother in the face.

He was blind for two weeks because of that, but it didn't actually blind blind him. He just couldn't stand keeping his eyes open for more than a second at a time.

'I can afford to miss everyone once.' I thought as I carefully filled the paintball gun I 'found' in Duffy's room. Don't ask how I got up there, because it was awkward for both me and Evening Flash (Sparklebutt).

"I just want to get the hell out of here." Mary shrugged. "Zombies or not, this place is creepy as shit."

"Amen to that." I muttered, standing back up and checking over the nonlethal gun. "Let's get moving."

"The fuck?" Was all Iris got out of her mouth before I shot her in the chest and continued running as if the daemons of Hell were after me.

Yeah, I was doing that to them. I don't care. I want my ass back in my own universe.

"You need to stop it." Sol had cornered me in Sugarcube Corner, after I shot up one of the last humans in Ponyville who had alternate forms. Gallan was in the kitchen, groaning as she turned into a changeling. I had yet to get Blake, because I still wanted the crap I commissioned.

"As soon as I get Max, Anon, James, and Jenny." I answered. "Unless Max was already infected by poison joke." I added after a moment. Sol eyed me cautiously.

"How would you know that?" He asked. "It wasn't common knowledge."

I pointed at Mary. "She is I and I am she."

"And he's also a perverted asshole." She added.

"I'm less perverted than you'd think." I quipped.

"So, you're Mary?" Sol asked, looked between the two of us. I nodded.

"Male version, and somewhat different personalities." I answered, crossing my arms. "And if I'm right, you're thi-" I teleported and ended up on a table in the middle of the castle, my left boot in Max's soup. "...Yep, just like I thought." I sighed, pinching my nose.

"Er, I didn't order a man." Max said in confusion. Without saying anything, I shot her with my paintball gun and bolted out of the room as she yelled at me.

"Asshole!" She shouted at me, but I was already gone.

"Wha-" I was lucky and got Jenny, Anon, and James in the same room. Five seconds later saw them covered in poison joke paint and me cackling like a madman as I ran into a broom closet.

I quickly turned into Sand Dune and teleported away before they could open the door.

"I thought you would be back later than this." The weaponsmith blinked as I walked into the shop. "And where's General Mary at?"

"She's at her place." I answered with a shrug. "I was in the area and thought to check up on your progress."

"Well, you're just in time." She answered, pulling a blade out of a box. "I was just gonna polish it one last time before getting a sheath for it."

"Mind if I loiter around and wait for it?" I asked.

"Fine by me." She shrugged. "Just don't scare anypony who comes in for an order." I nodded and picked a spot on the wall to sit next to. While I waited, I looked through the bits I 'found' in the safe under the bed that Mary installed.

With luck, she wouldn't notice I 'borrowed' money we both know we don't need until I leave.

"Whelp, I managed to grab enough to pay for both this short sword, the armour, and lunch." I muttered. "In all honesty I didn't know how much I had." I shrugged and lay back.

"Oi, get up." I got poked in the foot, causing me to snort and jolt into a sitting position.

"How long was I out?" I mumbled, rubbing my face.

"'Bout half an hour." The smithy shrugged, dumping a sheathed wakizashi onto my lap. "Made fully to your specifications. I honestly didn't know what to expect when you described the process to me, but this sword is stronger than the ones the Guard commissions!"

"Japanese humans were the ones to come up with the design." I sat up, slowly sliding the short sword out of the scabbard. With a satisfied nod, I attached it to my waist. "How much do I owe you?"

"Well, I'd normally ask for two hundred bits for a custom design..." She started, but looked at me. "But if you sold me the design, I'll give it to you for free."

"Seems reasonable." I cracked my neck. "But how come you'll just give it to me?"

"Hon, I could make a fortune off of that design." She grinned. "The Guard would pay a lot more for better swords than what they have now. Hell, there's a design contest going on right now and it's deadline is in three weeks. If I had the sole rights to the design, I'll be able to win easily."

"For both money and better guard supplies." I nodded. "Alright. I, Brigadier General Mark Durnkinscoff, hereby give you full rights to recreate authentic wakizashi short swords for all purposes that you deem legitimate."

"Thank you sir." She nodded and shook my hand.

"Ah, but if they ask about the person/pony who gave you the rights, tell 'em it was Mary who did it." I grinned a little. "I'm not gonna be around much longer, but my sister will be." Her face fell.

"What's wrong with you?" She questioned. I sighed a little and rubbed my head.

"I've acquired AIDS, which is an incurable disease." I answered. "It stands for Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. It steadily lowers my white blood cell count after one gets diagnosed." She stepped back a little. "Don't worry, only humans can get it and that's through the spreading of bodily fluids."

"Oh you poor dear..." She frowned and hugged me. I gently hugged her back.

I have nothing against people with AIDS and I felt like shit using it as an excuse.

"I'll be fine for a little bit longer." I softly said. I can't cook, I can't sing (depends on the genre, to be honest), I can't dance, and I can't accurately snipe past a thousand meters. But I can damn sure lie, act, and spot bullshit from a mile away. Both literal and verbal.

"How long?" She asked, looking me in the eyes.

"Before coming here, the doctors said I had three months." I answered. "As soon as my military found out, I was medically discharged. Silently, at my request." Made an excuse as to why I was 'assassinated'.

"Oh..." She looked away. "Have... You ever had a lover?" I nodded sadly.

"I found out I had AIDS when she was tested positive." I answered. "Died a year ago." She hugged me again, and we sat there for a good while.

I was sitting on the train to Ponyville, silently watching the alien landscape roll by.

"A bit for your thoughts, asshat?" I didn't question how Mary found me. I do the same shit to my men all the time.

"Not really." I shrugged. "Just a middle-aged man thinking about life and home."

"Elusive says the armour's gonna be ready tomorrow." She said, leaning in the chair across from me. "So, what's your cover story for disappearing off of the map?"

"AIDS." I answered. "We both know I feel like shit for lying like this, considering I'd rather use cancer but it's curable now..." I shrugged. "I had a conversation with Dawn about it a few months ago and he said it was still incurable." She nodded and looked out the window with me.

"I'd say it was beautiful, but we both know it looks odd to you." She said after a moment. "So much of it resembling home, and yet it doesn't look like it in any way at the same time."

"Yeah..." I muttered.

The rest of the ride went by in silence.

Author's Note: I completely respect people who've aquired AIDS, don't get me wrong. I think it's a terrible disease and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. Even someone like Hitler or Stalin. That's a fate worse than death, considering when it rears it's head you're on a countdown to death, which is severely and psychologically crippling.