Chapter 2.
Sam couldn't stop grinning. He'd always prided himself on his poker face, but the moment he had seen the tiny head moving on the screen, all that had gone out the window. He'd been happy about the baby before, but seeing the shape, the lively movement and hearing the words, "What we have here is a little girl." had made it more real and more wonderful.
Even now, sitting in Kim's Coffees with their coffee and doughnuts, he and Eileen just gazed at each other, grinning like kids on Christmas morning. Eileen took a bite of her caramel doughnut and then sipped her coffee.
"She's a girl." he said, "We have a daughter."
She signed, "Baby girl."
He smiled and copied her, then signed, "I love our baby girl."
"We need to think of girls' names. " she said.
"Ideas?" he said and signed.
"Would it be weird for you if we named her after your mother?" she said.
"No, it wouldn't be weird. I'd like that, but you didn't really know my mother."
"I do now and I feel like Mary Winchester is the most badass girl's name ever."
"Apart from Eileen." he said.
That amused her. "Are you a little in love with me, Sam?"
"No. I'm deeply, completely in love with you." he said. He thought of all the bagasse women he knew and said, "How do you feel about Joanna as a middle name?"
"After Anael?"
"No, after Jo Harvelle."
"Mary Joanna Winchester?" she said, "That works. Will Dean be okay with those names?"
"He'll love them."
"And he won't be disappointed she's not a boy?"
"Are you kidding? He's gonna be besotted. Our family never had a lot of girls in it. Besides, she looks like you and you know he loves you."
"She mostly looks like a low-res image on a screen. Is that how you see ne?"
"She has your nose, your chin. I can see that already."
"I think you're imagining it." she said.
"Dean's the one with the vivid imagination. I'm more of a realist." he said. She seemed to find that hilarious. "I am!" he said. Then he laughed and admitted, "Sometimes."
They ate their doughnuts in cheerful silence for a while, his chocolate and her caramel and he tried to picture a smaller version of her, running around the bunker and running rings around Dean. It was a wonderful thing to imagine. He'd always struggled with the concept of home, but he knew their child would embody it.
Eileen touched his hand and said, "I know she'll love you. I know she'll be a daddy's girl."
"Are you kidding? She has the coolest mom ever."
"Then she'll love us both. And she'll be happy. We'll make her happy."
"She can have anything she wants." said Sam.
"I can see I'll have to be the strict parent." said Eileen with fake seriousness.
"Yeah, sure, good luck with that. She's gonna be cute, like her mother. She'll always get her way."
"Well discipline is overrated anyway." she said.
"Yeah. I want to stay away from all that." he said, feeling the shadow of his father loom over him.
"You're not John." she said.
"He was a good father." he said, loyally.
"You're a better one."
Maybe she knew how much he needed to hear that and maybe she didn't, but she said stuff like that a lot and it really helped. He wanted to be better. He wanted his kid to feel safe to be herself and follow her own dreams and yes, he knew she might become a hunter anyway and fall under evert Winchester curse, but whatever happened, he wanted her to be in the driving seat of her own life.
Above all, he never wanted to be the voice that belittled or criticised the things she cared about. He never wanted to crush or control. He would be there for her forever, but not trying to steer her path.
"I want her to be free." he said, not sure whether it made much sense.
"I know you do." she said.
"I never want her to feel like she doesn't have a choice."
"She'll always know we believe in her," said Eileen, "Because we both know how it feels to go it alone."
"Mary Joanna Winchester." he said. It was a good name. It felt like it fit.
"She wants a doughnut." said Eileen hopefully.
He chuckled. "Eating for two?"
"When it comes to doughnuts, yeah." she said.
"And what flavour doughnut does the littlest Winchester want?" he said.
"Strawberry." she e said.
He grinned. "Already I can't say no to her."
"You should have one too, to make sure it's good enough for our daughter."
"I can't argue with your logic.
"It's your duty, as her father."
"It's the least I can do."
So they got two more doughnuts and refills of coffee and they sat and enjoyed the peace and togetherness. They were away from the past and its horrors and the bunker and its ghosts, just a devoted couple, censoring the existence of their child.
He looked forward to telling her about this, telling her that when they found out she was a girl, they went to get doughnuts to celebrate, that they couldn't get the smiles off their faces, that they had picked a name for her, maybe the only one worthy of her. He wanted to bring her here for a doughnut and tell her why it mattered.
He didn't know whether she would ever know why she mattered, why she seemed like salvation to both of them. They had agreed not to lie to their children about the dark stuff, but they were also not going to push the details on them unless they asked. He still couldn't talk to Dean about it and Dean was no fragile child.
Mary would decide what she needed to know and what she didn't and he would give her the age-appropriate truth. He hoped she wouldn't judge him too harshly, that she would love him despite his mistakes. Maybe she would be glad that his mistakes ensured he could never be too critical of hers. He hoped hers would bring her less pain and horror. He hoped they would be trivial, harmless errors.
Truth was, though, there was nothing she could do hat would come between them. He would stand by her like Dean had stood by him. He and Eileen would tell her every day that she was loved, that she was respected, that she was enough. Mary would never be afraid that she was unworthy or unwanted. She would never worry she was unfit to be a Winchester. There would even be that college fund to show her Uncle Dean, greatest of the Winchesters, would back whatever she chose to do with her life.
"What are you thinking?" Eileen signed with sticky fingers.
"Thinking about the future," he signed, "And our family."
"We have a good future." she signed.
"Hugs and doughnuts." he signed back.
"And our baby Mary Joanna." she said.
"And Mary Joanna." he said.
"There won't be a strict parent, will there?" she said.
"Strict parents are overrated. We can both be the fun parent. We both had crappy childhoods. We'll make up for ours by making hers the best."
"I like that idea." she said.
"You like all my ideas." he said.
"What can I say? You have great ideas."
Her eyes shone with happiness. He felt like he fell in love with her again every day. It still seemed insane that he had found her and that she had wanted to be with him, even when she saw the mess he was, even after she had gone to Hell.
"Marrying you was my best." he said.