Chapter 7.

It was late in the day when Jules drove in from Sioux Falls. As soon as Dean saw her, he knew something was wrong. She had come looking for him immediately and usually, she looked troubled. "Is Cas back yet?" she said.

"No, not yet." he said, "To tell you the truth, I'm not even sure where he went today. Not to Sioux Falls with you and Jack doesn't usually need him in Heaven that long."

"I texted him before I left Sioux Falls," she said, "And he answered."

Dean was alert to her doubts. "You don't think it was him?"

"No, it was him alright, but he seemed off."

"Off how?" said Dean.

She frowned and he got the impression she was not saying all she knew. Secrets made him uneasy, especially when they involved his family.

"Talk to me." he said.

She took a deep breath and said, "He never told you, but he goes to see Chuck sometimes."

"I'm sorry, what?" he said.

"Yeah, I think that's why he never told you. He only told me because I can read him like a book and I made him tell me. Even then, I don't get details. He doesn't want to talk about it."

Maybe she thought he was angry and he wasn't. The thought of Cas putting himself in range if that psychotic, manipulative sadist was terrifying. "Look, I'm not ... "

"You're worried about him. I know. So am I."

"What the hell is he doing?"

"Trying to help him to hold down a job and get enough to eat. Usually, he just goes there for an hour or two. He should be home by now. I know Chuck can't hurt him ... I mean, he can't smite him or throw him against a wall or something, but he can say things and Cas has vulnerabilities, old wounds that Chuck loves to reopen."

"Where is Chuck?" said Dean.

"Cas wouldn't tell me. I know he's in the St Louis area, but I don't know where."

"St Louis, Missouri?"

She nodded. "He doesn't want you to go there, ever. He says Chuck is his burden, his responsibility."

"Oh no, that's not how this works." he said. He wanted to get straight into the Impala, but he knew that was irrational. Cas had wings and he had ears and maybe he should try calling him home first. He closed his eyes and prayed, "Castiel, I need you home now. Jules and I are worried about you."

The sound of wings was reassuring, but Cas's downcast expression was not. "I'm okay." He said, still a terrible liar despite all the coaching. He walked over to Jules and put a hand on her arm. "I'm sorry I'm so late." he said.

"I had to tell Dean where you were." she said.

He nodded. He was facing her but Dean could see the tension I his shoulders as he paused for a moment and then turned to face him. "We should talk." he said.

"Yeah, I think that's a good idea." said Dean.

Jules kissed Cas's cheek and said, "I'll be in our room. I love you."

"I love you too." he said.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'll never ask you to lie for me."

"I would, to anybody else."

"I know you would." he said. He watched her go. Then he turned back to Dean. "Where do you want to do this?"

"Let's hit the road." said Dean. He took out his phone and called Sam. "Cas and I are going for a drive."

"Okay." said Sam. He didn't ask for further details and Dean suspected he'd been starting to worry about Cas too.

They had driven a couple of miles before Dean said, "So, you've been seeing Chuck."

"Yes." said Cas, "I know it's not what you want to hear."

"My feelings about it don't matter." said Dean, knowing how rapidly Cas could assume he was enraged about something.

"Of course they do and I know ... "

"Cas, this isn't about you going behind my back or fraternising with my enemy. This is about you being in a dangerous situation, alone, when you didn't need to be."

They made brief eye contact and Cas offered a weak smile. "I was in no danger. He has no power."

"He has a mouth and I wasn't there to punch him in it."

"He's struggling." said Cas, "He can't hold down a job ... "

"He got a job?"

"I got him one, actually, I got him two. He's on the brink of losing the second. He's late all the time or doesn't turn up. He doesn't work well with other people."

"What job is he doing?"

"Street sweeping."

Dean laughed. "Oh, I would love to see him do that!"

"So would his supervisor." said Cas, "The problem is, he feels the job is beneath him."

"Well, he did kinda rule the universe."

"Badly."

"True. The fact is, he's gonna hate any job that isn't his old gig."

"He won't be able to redeem himself until he can humble himself." said Cas.

"I don't think that's ever gonna happen. Cas, when we left him alive, it was a punishment, not an opportunity. Some people are beyond the point where they can have a redemption arc." He glanced at Cas, knowing it was hard for him to hear. The angel's very stoicism told him how the words hit.

"You used to think you were one of them." said Cas.

"Still do." said Dean, without thinking. He looked at Cas again, seeing the eyes close for just long enough to convey his pain. "What I mean is ... "

"Exactly what you said." said Cas, because he wasn't stupid, however much Dean sometimes wished he could be.

"I try," said Dean, "And I hope, but in many ways, I'm the same as Chuck."

"No." said Cas firmly.

"First rule of hunting. You can't save everyone."

"Dean, you're not like him."

"This is not about me." said Dean but he was aware that everything seemed to be at least a little about him to his celestial brother. "I'm fine." he said, "You can stop worrying about me."

He got a sceptical look for that.

"Okay, but humour me. Right now, worry about you takes precedence."

"I'm fine too." said Cas. Dean looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "Seriously. I'm okay."

"Jules is worried and she's not the anxious type."

"No, she's not." Cas admitted. However much he wanted to convince Dean, he could not argue against Jules.

"She says you keep this stuff to yourself, even from her."

"I would have thought you'd understand that." said Cas.

"I do, Cas. That's why you have me worried. It must be bad. You usually tell her everything."

"He's weak. He can't do a thing to me, but there are aspects if the situation that I find difficult."

"Aspects like ... ?" Dean prompted.

"Dean, I hate him for everything he did to you, to Sam, to Jack, to this whole world. I will never stop being angry about that and you have to believe me."

"I do. Your loyalty is nit in question here."

"But it is divided and I hate that it is, but he brought me into being. I was created to love and serve him. Somehow, even after everything, I can't stop caring what happens to him."

"He's your father. I get it."

"I don't. He murdered Jack."

"Yeah, I know."

"And the things he did to you ..."

"So he's never been a good father. Guess what? Mine wasn't perfect either. Feelings aren't rational. Is that why you never told me? You thought I'd be angry?"

"No. I wouldn't blame you if you were, but no. I didn't want you involved. I don't want any of you hurt by him again or by his influence over me."

"Which is?"

Cas spoke slowly, as if every word had to fight its way out. "Being around him makes me feel things, bad things. I feel shame for what he did and for what he is now."

"Neither of which is on you."

"Guilt too, for my part in his downfall." said Cas and Dean could hear the shame in his voice to even acknowledge that.

"We had no choice."

"I know, but I helped to overthrow my father."

"And give the power to your son, who is more fit to rule."

"Yes." said Cas, but he didn't sound comforted.

"I understand," said Dean, "I do, but this is precisely why you shouldn't be in this alone."

"I have to check in on him. I can't just abandon him, but I also can't ever let him get to any of you again. He knows how to hurt people. He knows what to say. He says things a lot."

"What things?"

"No. I can't spread them around."

"I need to know and you need to tell me."

There was a long pause, then Cas said, "He accuses me of things, of a lack of loyalty. He mocks me for believing in Jack and for believing I matter to you and Sam."

"You know what you mean to us, Cas."

"Yes. Yes, I do, but he tries to make me doubt it."

"Does he succeed?"

Cas was silent, itself a clear answer. Dean drove a little faster, trying to force the lid down on his anger, because Cas would think it aimed at him.

"He's a liar." he said.

"I know he is."

Dean thought about opening the mind link, but he needed Cas to tell him, with words, to trust him with the truth, however much it hurt to say.

Quietly, Cas ventured, "Even knowing it's all lies, it hurts. It's torture."

"Tell me where he is." said Dean, keeping his voice as level as he could.

"No."

"I know St Louis, I know street sweeper. You know I can find him."

"Yes, I know you can, but I'm asking you not to. It's not for his sake. He knows every weakness, especially yours."

"There's a lot of weaknesses to know." said Dean.

"Even at a distance, he's bringing that thinking back." said Cas, "He's my problem, not yours and I can handle him."

"I'll stay away from him, but you have to promise me something."

"What?"

"Every time you get back from St Louis, you find me and we talk about it. I can't have you doing this alone. I can't have his voice in your head, unopposed. Do we have a deal?"

"Dean, I don't want ... "

"That was a yes or no question." he said. He turned to look at Cas again. "You see, you do matter to us and there is no way I'm letting you get tortured by him. So, do we have a deal?"

"Yes." said Cas.

"Good." said Dean, "Better together, Cas, always."