Emily took a deep breath and counted slowly to ten. It didn't work so she did it again. In Italian. And then in Arabic. Nope, still not working.
"I love my job. I love my job. I love my job," she chanted under her breath as a sticky hand tugged at her sleeve.
Great. She glared down at the small human who was being frustratingly persistent.
Pouting, the child asked, "Are you a Witch Lady?"
Before she could answer, another one chipped in, "Nuh uh. She's the devil. My mommy says only the devil wears black an' she's wearing black so she's the devil."
"Not Prada?" She heard JJ mutter in her earpiece, voice shaking with restrained laughter.
"She has no horns," yet another child decided to involve himself. "The devil has horns."
"And a tail," the original one said, peering behind Emily and then frowning at her. "You don't have a tail."
"I don't," she agreed.
Because she didn't. What else was she supposed to say to that?
"Told you she's not!" The boy said smugly.
But the original one, the one who's mother had opinions on black clothing, wasn't going to be deterred so easily.
"She, she could be in dee, dus- disguise!"
She looked so proud of herself for getting that word right.
"Oooh," the other children chorused.
Emily gritted her teeth into what she hoped would pass for a smile. Except maybe it didn't because the group of children looked at her, eyes wide in fright. See, this is why she didnt hang around children.
"Why isn't JJ doing this again?" She muttered into her mic.
Morgan chuckled and she could almost hear JJ roll her eyes.
"Because our unsub doesn't like blondes," Hotch said in a tone that heavily implied he felt that he was talking to a child.
"Hmph," was heard from JJ.
Morgan snickered louder.
"But JJ actually likes kids," Emily whined.
Scratch that, she liked kids well enough. They could be fun to talk to. And some were pretty amazing - Jack and Henry (obviously). But when they were all crowding around her, hyped up on sugar and God knows what else? No, thank you.
The zookeeper she was supposed to be working with approached her and the hoard. She quickly shut up, he didn't know that she wasn't really a Trainee tour guide. He was grinning maniacally. This did not bode well for her at all.
"Okay, boys and girls, who's ready to see some animals!" He cheered, clapping his hands together to get their attention.
The hoard shrieked in glee.
"I'm Monkey Mark," he said, gesturing to himself. "And this is-"
Monkey Mark looked expectantly at her. Emily sighed heavily.
"Elephant Emily," she said through gritted teeth.
Morgan laughed so loudly that Emily thought that 'Monkey Mark' would hear him. Then she heard a thump and a groan. Good. She hoped he hit his head. Everyone else was snickering quietly.
"I told you that you should have gone with emu," Reid told her.
"And were going to show you some ANIMALS!" 'Monkey Mark' practically bellowed.
The hellions loved it. The next half an hour was the longest of Emily's life. These children did not shut up or stay put. It was like herding cats. No, wait, worse because at least cats would follow you if you waved fish at them. There was shrieking, there were bodily fluids amd far, far, far too much touching. Punching. Pinching. Kicking. High fiving. Eurgh.
Also, Emily couldn't understand why they found animals going to the toilet so fascinating. That was all they wanted to see. And argue about. Though, the general consensus was that the elephants were the best in that area. Granted, Emily also found it funny, to a point. But every time a child shrieked about an animal "going potty" Reid gave this pathetic little moan-squeak sound and it was starting to het on her nerves. Also, no sign whatsoever of their unsub.
'Monkey Mark' clapped his hands again. Emily winced, he did that far too much. But, sne couldn't complain. It was pretty much the only commands these kids obeyed.
"Okay, kids! 'Monkey Mark' has to leave you now!" He announced. What? He then proceeded to slap Emily on the back. "But Elephant Emily here will be taking you to the petting zoo!"
She seized him ny the elbow as the demons did yet more shrieking. Did they not have any other volume? She had to admit, she took perverse pleasure the way her nails dug into him made him wince. Huh, maybe there was an advantage to not biting your nails.
"What. Did. You. Say." She growled at him.
He withered under her glare and started stammering something.
"Calm down," she heard Hotch order in her ear.
And, unfortunately, it sounded like he meant business. Reluctantly, she released him but made sure to give him a final, terrifying glare for good measure. Hesitantly, he stretched his arm though, 'Monkey Mark' soon had a manic grin on his face again.
"You'll be fine," he proclaimed in what he probably thought was a reassuring manner. "You're a natural."
Even Reid snorted at that one.
"You need some real experience,"he finished amd then flounced off without any further notice.
She gaped after him. What the hell just happened?
"Ef'lant Em'ly?" A small child asked tugging on her coat sleeve. "We gonna pet sharks?"
"No! They're scary!"
"You can't pet them, they aren't fluffy!"
"You can pet snakes!"
"That's different."
"I want to ride a shark."
"Lions! I want to pet that big lion!"
"That's stupid."
"Are you really and Effle-lunt?"
"She doesn't have a wobbly nose!"
"You're stupid."
"I want my mommy!"
Her head was spinning, she couldn't deal with this.
"I need an adult," she said to nobody in particular, shaking off the child who was hanging onto her.
"You're the freaking chaperone!" Rossi said in amused exasperation.
Emily swore. Loudly.
"That's a bad word," a small, curly-haired bou informed her.
"...then we are officially screwed," Morgan muttered.
"Help," Emily pleaded.
"Get them to the petting zoo," Hotch ordered woth a sigh.
Later Emily would deny that she stomped her way over.