Penny's phone dinged again as Raj pulled up to Union Station in L.A. She glanced at the phone to see another email from Sheldon. As Raj found a parking spot, Penny opened it to see what he had sent this time. More than likely another video, she thought to herself. She glanced at Raj as she waited for the email to load. After a few moments, Penny looked back down to her phone. There was an actual letter instead of just a music link this time. The beginning made her eyebrows move into her hairline.
Dearest Penny,
There are so many things I need to tell you. So many things that I should have told you. For one, I do not want you to leave. I never did. But I really do not know how to express my emotions let alone find the right words to explain them. But… You seemed so sure that this is what you needed to do. Who am I to stop you from doing something you feel is right? I told you before, I will always be your friend and I will always support you. That is why I ultimately said nothing. The thought of you leaving hurts my heart. I wish you would stay. But again, who am I to make you stay? I had to really think on that question. Ultimately, my thought process led me to only one answer. I am nobody in this case. If I truly cared about you, which I do, then I would support you and help you. I want you to feel safe, happy, loved, and content. If that is not happening here in Pasadena, then I will support your decision to try to find it elsewhere. But please do not leave before I get the chance to say good-bye. I am on my way to Union Station in the back of a cab. That is how important it is to me to be able to say good-bye.
For a long time, I have never had someone I could truly trust. I had my family, but even then only MeeMaw ever truly supported my odd personality traits and my thirst for learning. You have heard stories of various things and experiments I have done in the past as a child. But what you did not hear about was how often I got grounded for just asking questions about these things before I tried them out. I asked about CT scans but was never told what they were for. So I had to find out on my own. And then, when our cat got sick, I wanted to make sure she was okay so I built one. I not only got in serious trouble and the components were taken away by the government, but my dad… Well my dad did not hit me but he got close. I was not allowed to leave my room or be around books and learning stuff at all for a long time. He even considered pulling me out of high school. This is a guy who would hit my mom and cheat on her while telling her it was her fault because she had me. And I was a freak of nature. I only had MIssy to turn to at that time. Of course, Mama would tell him that God doesn't make mistakes and I was made the way I am for a reason. That we just had to wait for that reason to show. I hid at MeeMaw's place a lot to get away from the fighting. And it was always my fault. It took me years to realise that it was not my fault but that it was my father's. By then, I had shut everyone else out. Only MeeMaw really knew how I was doing; and that was limited as well. The song Trust Nobody by D4 fits that very well. It is what I had to do. Trust nobody, work hard for everything I ever wanted, and make sure I did not let others into my life. Listen to it now.
Penny paused reading the letter to listen to the song. She sat in the car and just listened. Really listened to what he had to say through the song.
Nothing ever came to me easy
Nothing ever came to me free
I've been looking out for something to please me
Well I've been working everyday of the week
(Hey you!) Nothing ever came to me easy
(Hey you!) Nothing ever came to me free
(Hey you!) I get every little thing that I wanted
(Hey you!) I get whatever I need
Don't put your trust in nobody
You can't trust nobody but yourself
(No no no)
Everybody's gonna keep on pushing
Cause everybody's got something to hide
But you know when push comes to shoving
Your brothers gonna leave you behind
(Hey you!) Nothing ever came to me easy
(Hey you!) Nothing ever came to me free
(Hey you!) I get every little thing that I wanted
(Hey you!) I get whatever I need
Don't put your trust in nobody
You can't trust nobody but yourself
Don't put your trust in nobody
You can't trust nobody but yourself
(No no no)
Keep on confusing
The line between fiction and fact
They got smiles they don't mind using
While their sharpening the knife for your back
(Hey you!) Nothing ever came to me easy
(Hey you!) Nothing ever came to me free
(Hey you!) I get every little thing that I wanted
(Hey you!) I get whatever I need
Don't put your trust in nobody
You can't trust nobody but yourself
Don't put your trust in nobody
You can't trust nobody but yourself
During the video he had supplied the link to, there were pictures of all the achievements he worked so hard for, but there were also comments of just how hard and how many hours he had to work for them. How many times his work was stolen or someone tried to. Penny couldn't understand how he had managed to do all of that while still not being able to trust anyone. She would feel so lonely. And maybe he was. He didn't show it, but maybe.. just maybe he really was. She was so enthralled with the video that she didn't notice that she had started crying.
Raj handed her a tissue not saying a word, just quietly holding it out for her to take. He hoped that whatever Sheldon had sent, would change her mind about leaving. Or at least make her not so sad anymore. He watched as she went back to reading the email after a few moments.
Penny, I know you will see things that no one else ever saw during that time. To answer a question I know you have, yes. I was very lonely during this time. Even after meeting Leonard and having him move in, I was still lonely. Because while, yes we hung out and his friends came over, I knew that without the roommate agreement, he would have never put up with me. Also, what he does not know is that I pay most of the rent. I needed a way to work and around without having to take the bus everywhere. And that is what he knew the agreement was about. But I also was tired of being alone. What I had realized though, was that I was still alone. Raj and Howard only barely tolerated me. And the main reason they came over was the free video games. All but a few are my own. I let them play because it made the loneliness not so bad. I had fooled myself into believing we were becoming friends. That Leonard was becoming my friend. But in reality, I was still very much alone. And no matter how hard I tried, I still did not trust him fully. After seeing him looking at my research to see what I was working on, I had to start locking my computer. And because of his friendship with Howard, I had to change it regularly. To them it was sporadic, but you know me, when do I do anything sporadically? There was one song that always helped me when I felt the loneliness bearing down on me too much. It helped me settle my emotions and just try to continue my life. To push forward. Please listen to the second link, now.
Penny clicked on the link that was labeled number 2. The song I Stand Alone from the movie Quest for Camelot played in the silent car. Penny cried harder as she sang along with it. Raj just sat and watched her. He carefully laid his hand on her arm in silent support.
I know the sound of each rock and stone
And I embrace what others fear
You are not to roam in this forgotten place
Just the likes of me are welcome here.
Everything breathes
And I know each breath
For me it means life
For others its death.
It's perfectly balanced
Perfectly planned
More than enough for this man.
Like every tree, stands on its own
Reaching for the sky I stand alone.
I share my world with no one else
All by myself
I stand alone.
(music interlude)
I've seen your world
Through these very eyes
Don't come any closer,
Don't even try!
I've felt all the pain
And heard all the lies…
In my world there's no compromise
Like every tree, stands on its own
Reaching for the sky I stand alone.
I share my world with no one else
All by myself
I stand alone
All by myself
I stand alone.
All by myself
I stand alone…
Penny had to take a moment and just breathe. She wiped her eyes of the tears that were still falling. Raj got out of the car, moved to the passenger seat and gently pulled Penny out. He adjusted the seat backwards before sitting. He pulled Penny onto his lap and held her as she cried. His silent support and understanding helped her calm down enough to return to the email she still hadn't finished reading. Raj settled his head on top of hers as he leaned back into the seat. He knew she needed whatever was in that letter and that by him holding her, he was showing his support as well. That no matter what, he was there for her.
"Thanks Raj." Penny murmured softly as her emotions settled back down. She knew he couldn't be comfortable in this position but he still didn't move.
"No problem, just go back to the email. I think you need to finish it before we go inside." Raj responded very quietly. He did not want to interrupt the mood that had settled over Penny as she read Sheldon's email. Her emotions seemed to be going everywhere. He had no idea what was in that letter but he honestly prayed to Shiva that Sheldon was opening up to her. If that meant he had to sit here for hours with her, so be it. It would be a small price to pay.
Penny shifted a little to make it more comfortable for them both as she reopened Sheldon's email. She really hadn't meant to cry so much, but that song was one she had drawn strength from as well. While listening to it, she had realized that she never really talked about her childhood with Sheldon. It was something she would need to fix. If he would let her. Her attention went back to the email that was now loaded again. Sheldon's voice filled her head as she read the words he took so much time putting into coherent sentences. They felt like they came from deep within his heart. So she knew she had to finish it.
I had never known true friendship. What it meant to have someone care about you for no other reason than they care. And I was okay with that. I had accepted that this was what my life would be like. That I would only ever have science in my life. But science couldn't fill that void of loneliness. So I thought of myself as this… higher form of species. That I was beyond the need of companionship. I did not need friends, I did not need to date, and I did not need a woman to love. I had science. I had my research. I had String Theory. What more did I need? I was not unhappy, but I was not happy either. I was in a kind of limbo. I lived my life the only way I knew how. My routines, my schedules, my life revolved around hurting myself the least possible. I felt safe doing the same things week after week. My life was this… monotonous orderly existence.
But then you moved in across the hall from us. And suddenly… There was color and chaos. I resented that. I did not want it. Leonard became obsessed with you. Going so far as to steal your mail on purpose. I never asked how he did it, I really did not want to know. Plausible deniability. But I knew it was wrong. And I should have put a stop to it. But you seemed okay and could take care of yourself. But I still did not want you there. I did not want to… feel. And you made me feel. So many different things. From that first moment you looked at my whiteboard in awe, and called me a "beautiful mind genius guy". Relating me to that type of person with that look of awe and wonderment on your face… It made me feel so wonderful. Like I was finally seeing the world in all its brilliant splendid colors. Like everything was different. And then, you seemed to understand that I needed to sit in my spot just to be comfortable. I know Leonard wanted to make a good impression, and I really tried to sit next to you. But even when I moved back over to that spot when you stood up, the understanding and compassion in your eyes showed me how much you really did not mind. I had never had that happen before. I went to sleep that night, not worrying about my pants I had gotten stripped of, but instead about that look on your face. I thought… someone actually saw the real me. Even for just that moment in time.
When Leonard kept showing interest in you, he kept reminding me to stay out of the way that you were his. That he saw you first. Not in so many words but… that is how he came across. Time and time again, I would look forward to your visit, just for it to be focused on Leonard. I started to resent you coming over all the time. I started to bulk at the emotions you inflicted just by understanding that I was different and accepting that. The longer you were there, the more lonely I got. When you took care of me while I was sick, I thought that you were forced into it by the others. You seemed so mad and angry. But you still did it. And sang me Soft Kitty. I never got to tell you how much that meant to me. Forced or otherwise. I later heard you telling off the boys for leaving me while I was sick. I had thought you were mad at me, but I realized that all along you were mad at them. I had never had someone stand up for me. To anyone. Even though my mother did to my dad it was not the same. It was more out of responsibility as my mother. And while yes, I know she loves me, she also never tried to understand me. She just states that this was how I was made, and that she is dumber than a dolt and wouldn't be able to understand me. But… she never really tried to.
So I tried to ignore you. You would not let me. So I tried training you with the chocolates. But something told me you knew what I was doing and was only doing it for the chocolates. So in reality, that did not work. So then I tried banishing you. And you… You would not let me do that either. It started with stealing food off my plate. I noticed you did not do that with anyone else. And had we been alone… I might have just let you. But the boys… the boys expected certain reactions from me. And I could not let them know just how much you affected me. How much I had begun to care. So I gave you a strike, then another one and then the final strike. I saw how much it hurt you but I was hurting too. I did not understand why I kept pushing you away nor why you kept coming back. I still do not really know why you do. By that time, you were so angry that I would have given anything to change things. I thought of all the ways I could make it up to you. But you… you messed up my laundry night. I never told you why I did laundry on Saturdays. You see, I knew Saturday was date night for most people. I never had a date. I never got asked. But I also never trusted anyone enough to ask them out. So Saturdays were the days I would be the most lonely. So by making Saturday my laundry day, I had something to take up my time. Some excuse why I could not go to the bar with the guys. Or something to focus on. So when you messed that up for me… I was so angry. I was so… so… alive! I had never felt that kind of passion and I resented it. I was embarrassed so I wanted to get you back. I never should have thrown your laundry on the telephone wire like that… I never should have embarrassed you like that. I knew that even then, but I was so consumed with emotions I was not used to having that I was not thinking straight.
When you stormed into my apartment demanding to know where your clothes were, I thought I had finally beat you. That I had finally pushed you away enough to make you leave me alone. But instead you stormed right up to me and got in my face. I will never forget that passion on your face as you stared me down. Your flushed cheeks, your heavy breathing. Your messed up hair. Even without my eidetic memory, I would never be able to forget it. For the first time, someone looked at me like they really saw me. Without walking on eggshells. I didn't know if you wanted to strangle me or… kiss me. I know I wanted to kiss you. So badly. Had Leonard not come in when he did… I probably would have. For the first time in my life… I did not care if I could trust you or not. That was not my first thought. For the first time… I felt alive. And like… I had come up for air after nearly drowning my whole life. The fire in your eyes told me that you were worth getting to know. That you would not leave me alone no matter how far or how hard I pushed.
My mother was right about my manners. But I had still wanted to tell you off. And that had been my plan until I saw that you were crying while trying to make a stick long enough to reach your clothes. It broke my heart and I just could not handle being the reason you were crying. I do not like seeing you cry. So I apologized. And I meant it. I truly did. What you do not know about all of this, was that I did not just get your clothes down. Which was a lot harder than getting them up there, but I threw them away. Yes I know, I returned your clothes to you but... I went to the store and bought you brand new ones. The exact same ones. For the jeans that were worn down… I washed them until they felt the same as before. My mind came in very handy for that. But I could not in good conscience let you wear clothes that had been on that disgusting telephone line. I wanted to tell you but I chickened out.
I spent weeks trying to figure out how to make it up to you. I thought of gifts, flowers, chocolate, and nothing seemed enough. So I decided to let you have more leeway in the apartment. I would give you strikes but… I never recorded them. Your face kept coming back to me. How hurt you looked. But everytime I would see that "Junior rodeo" face you threw at the boys, I would think about how close I came to kissing you. How much passion was in your eyes.
Over time, you became a friend to me without me knowing it. When you refused to sign a friendship contract stating that true friends didn't need one… It really made me pause and think about the guys I considered friends. Everything you have done since has surprised me. I… I began to care about you. First as a friend. I slowly began to let you in. Not consciously at first… but after you said that… after a little while.. I started wanting it to be true. MeeMaw explained what true friendship was. And that I had to let myself learn to trust you. So I made a conscious effort to become your friend.
I did not understand why at the time that certain things started to really make me worry. Like your check engine light. But the day you screamed my name when you dislocated your shoulder… I had never felt so scared. It had felt like my entire being had frozen in place. It tore my heart to shreds with pain and worry. I never thought about what I was doing. One second I was at my desk, the next I was trying not to cry as I raced to you. I was a nervous wreck that I would mess up and hurt you worse the whole time I helped you get dressed. My brain didn't even catalog that I had accidently grabbed your chest. It was solely focused on not causing you more pain, while also trying to run through everything you would need for the hospital.
As I was driving you there, I realized why the check engine light bothered me. What if it was bad and the engine caught on fire where I could not help you? Where I could not reach you in time? What if you died because of it? While I sat in the ER waiting room, that was all that my brain would process. What if you had died?
That night… after I made sure you were asleep… I cried myself to sleep. I had realized that I did not want you to die. I did not want you to leave. I still don't. But I want you to be happy. And while I wish I could make you happy, I know that I am not very good at this. And as you grew closer to Leonard, I was sure that I would only ever be your friend. That friendship was all you would ever want. And yet, I noticed the long stares, I noticed the pain in your eyes when I ignored you. I noticed that you drank more. But I did not know what to do. What to say. So I did nothing. I said nothing.
You are my best friend, Penny. You are the only person I have ever truly cared about, outside of my family. You are the only person I have ever felt comfortable with. And that one includes my family. Even MeeMaw. I can sit with you and do nothing, yet never feel lonely. I can talk to you for hours. Or just do laundry together and it would be special to me. You accepted me and my quirks with open arms and never complained. That alone makes you special.
But… I want you to be happy more than anything. More than everything. All I ask is that you wait for me by your gate. I will find you. I have to say goodbye before you go. I have to tell you… how I feel. You have to know before you leave. I will not stop you from going. If that is what you need to do. But I… you… There is something I need to tell you and it needs to be in person. So wait for me. I will be there soon.
Love,
Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper PhD, ScD
A.K.A. Your whack-a-doodle
Penny laughed through her tears at him writing her nickname for him. She took a few more moments before climbing off of Rajs lap and straightening her clothes. She gave Raj a watery smile as she helped him up. He really would make some women very lucky someday. After giving him a hug, they grabbed her luggage and headed inside. She would wait for as long as she could. But she also knew… She needed to be on that train. She honestly hoped he would make it. A song popped into her mind that she knew she just had to send to Sheldon. She didn't know why it popped up, nor why she had such an urge to send it, but.. she followed her heart anyways.