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Enjoy
Danny's POV
"Carol..."
"You don't have to take it now but I do think you should take it as soon as possible. You need to know."
"I don't..., I'm not. I can't be. I..." My hand flies to cover my mouth when it lets out a sound I can't explain.
"What ya doin' out here?" I don't move when Daryl speaks, I just grip the test tighter in my hand.
"We're fine, just having a talk". Carol answers for us instead.
"Well hurry up and get back inside."
Carol doesn't answer him, instead she turns back to me. "I won't say anything to him but I will be here for when you are ready". She puts a hand on my shoulder. "We really should go in though before he comes out again".
I stuff the test inside my jacket, I won't let him see this, not until I know the answer. I then nod my head and allow her to lead the way back into the house.
I can't stay down here, I need to be alone so I grab my bag. "Call me when it's my turn for watch". I then disappear up the stairs without a backwards glance. As soon as the bedroom door is shut I yank the test out from inside my coat and stuff it in the bottom of my bag. She could be wrong, she is wrong. I'm not pregnant. We always used protection, my god, am I one of those small percentages on the back of the box that they always mention.
I shake my head harshly, no, I'm not pregnant and I'll prove it. I'll take this test as soon as I need to pee again. I can't wait, I need her to know she's wrong.
It takes a good few hours and an overuse of our water supply before I have to pee again. I spent the time sat on the edge of the bed preying that Daryl wouldn't walk in. He'd know something was up before I'd even be able to open my mouth. I'm too wound up and nervous to fake that nothing's wrong. He never walked in though.
I take out the test and instantly shove it into my jumper, I'm not risking it being seen by any one. Not even Carol, I don't want her to know I'm about to take it, I need to do this part alone.
When I get downstairs I spot Merle stood by the living room window, looking out of it occasionally. I need to get this done before he decides it's time for a walk around the perimeter. There isn't a light on but he has the curtains fully open so I can make out when he spots me. He casts a quick glance to his side and that's when I notice Daryl lying back on the sofa. I don't know if he's asleep or not but his eyes are closed. He could just be ignoring me. When Merle looks back at me I just point towards the front door and then hold up to fingers to indicate I'll be back in two minutes. He just nods in response and looks back out the window again.
Let's do this.
I go back around the side of the house again for absolute privacy and as soon as I've peed I squat down and wait. I can't look at it so I have it facing away from me.
She's wrong, she misread the situation, I'm not pregnant. Those are the words I keep chanting over and over in my head as the three minutes must come and go. I'm not pregnant. I let out a heavy breath and with sweaty hands, despite the temperature, I turn it around.
I'm not pregnant.
I'm not pregnant.
I'm...Pregnant.
I lay in bed staring up at the dirty ceiling. I've lost count of the amount of times I've counted the stains that are on it. My heart feels like it's in my throat and my stomach is in knots. I could barely walk back into the house after I saw those lines but I knew if I didn't move Merle would appear and I would break.
Nobody came to tell me to go on watch so for the first time I decided that I wasn't going to help. They could cope without me for one night. I can hear them all moving around downstairs, they've been up for hours so I know it's way past me needing to get up but I just can't. Somehow I've managed not to cry but I know it's coming. As soon as I utter the dreaded words I know the dam will burst.
"Danny!" Merle's voice breaks through and makes me wince as he shouts up the stairs for me.
I swallow, dreading the sound of my own voice, will it give me away. "Yeah?"
It takes him a heart stopping few seconds to reply. "Get up, ya gotta eat somein'". I don't answer him but I do keep a listen out for the dreaded footsteps on the stairs.
I force myself up, the time has come, I can no longer hide away in here. I take my time in changing my underwear and socks and then getting redressed in all my layers, trying to prolong the nightmare for as long as I can. As soon as my boots are on I take in another deep breath, hold it for a few seconds before letting it out. I can do this. Maybe I can claim still not feeling well so I can come back and hide after I've eaten something.
The chatter in the living room doesn't ease my mind like it usually does and as I appear in the doorway I swallow heavily as all four of the turn their heads to look at me.
I force a smile onto my face before going over to the sofa.
"Ya 'ave a good sleep?" I nod in reply to Merle. "We didn't wanna wake ya, so we covered ya shift". I nod again not trusting my voice. I feel bad, I should thank them. Some cut up fruit is handed to me in a bowl, apples. I guess they found an apple tree which should be exciting but I can't muster the energy to show that. I keep my eyes on my bowl refusing to look up at any of them. I know they're staring at me, I can feel their questioning gazes.
Merle clears his throat and then I can hear the low whisper as he quietly says something to someone but I can't make out what it is he says.
The sofa dips beside me. "Are you okay?" Carols hand then lands on my arm as she stops me putting another slice into my mouth. I finally look up at her and instantly regret it. The worry is written all over her face.
I make a sound in my throat as an answer which doesn't help convince her I'm okay. I stare straight into her eyes, I need to talk to her but I'm scared to ask. I'm hoping she picks up on it herself. She does.
"Danny, can I talk to you 'bout something?" As soon as I nod my head she tightens her grip on my arm and pulls me to my feet and straight out the front door. Before the door closes behind us I hear Merle mumble 'what the fuck'.
She keeps pulling me until we are has far away from the house as we can possibly get in the property. She takes the bowl out of my hands, "Tell me".
"I took the test". She doesn't say anything she's just waiting for me to tell her in my own time but I know that she knows. She can probably tell just by looking at me. I can't seem to say those dreaded words, my throat feels like it's closing every time I try. "I don't know what to do. This can't be happening". And then my thoughts drift to Daryl and then me having to utter those words to him. "I can't tell him". My eyes start stinging. "I can't do this" and then the tears are sliding down my cheeks. This is not something I would have ever planned not now, not out here in this terrible place.
"Hey, shh. We can do this..."
I drop down into a crouch as a sob comes out of me. I place my hand over my mouth.
"What's goin' on? What's happened?" Shit, Merle and that definitely means Daryl. My back is to them and I make no attempt to tell them, instead Carol steps away from my line of site.
"You two, so now fuck off and leave this to me." Those words coming out of Carol would have had me laughing on any other day. Doesn't sound anything like her but it seems to do the trick because she reappears back in front of me and kneels down. "We'll get another test okay, I will be there to help you tell him. I will be here every step of the way. You will not be doing this alone, I promise you."
"You, but not him". Saying that breaks my own heart.
The tiniest of smiles forms on her lips, not happy more reassuring. "No matter what you think that man will not leave you for this. I have seen the way he looks at you, he will do everything and anything to protect you. Merle to. I can't say he won't be shocked or freaked but he isn't going anywhere".
I want to believe her, I really do but no one knows how he will react. Nothing this life altering has happened to us there's no way to know if we'll get through this. I'm ruining his life, I'm putting all of us at such a huge risk.
"This is a ba..." Can't say that word either. "How do we do this? Do you know anything about how to deliver it because I certainly don't. I don't know the first thing about anything to with this whole thing".
She quirks her eyebrow at me trying to get my point across without using any of the proper terms.
"No, I don't but I know a lot about being pregnant. The rest, well we'll just have to give up on this little venture, suck it up and go back to the farm. Where Herschel can look after you."
Lori. Lori's pregnant too, how could I have forgotten that? They're staying on the farm and having Herschel as her doctor. If Daryl can't do this, and I won't hate him if he can't, then I'll go back to that farm alone or with Carol and Sophia and let Daryl and Merle go. It'll be hard to say goodbye but I can't force them into this. Unlike me they have a choice. All four of them do.
Merle and Daryl both know something is really wrong. Daryl still hasn't come up to me but I don't miss the constant looks he's giving me. Merle cornered me a little while after I'd finally managed to stop crying and Carol had gotten me back into the house. He'd asked what was wrong and I had automatically let my eyes drift over to Daryl so Merle had come to his own conclusion and I didn't deny it. He figured it was something to do with Daryl and I not talking. Merle had called him all sorts of horrible names and said he'd fix it, I told him no it was our problem and we'd fix it when we were both ready to admit we were wrong and apologise.
Sophia is sat opposite me, we have a blanket on the living room floor and we're both sat cross legged. I'm teaching her how to play solitaire, there's nothing else for us to do. It's way too cold to be spending any amount of time outside. She's already tried passing the time by reading but she got bored of that pretty quickly so I suggested cards. We're alone. Carol is moving around in the kitchen, not sure what she's doing but it's keeping her occupied. Merle is actually taking a nap, I think he's that bored he's resulted to sleeping the day away. Daryl is outside and it's bothering me that he's out in the cold but I can't go and tell him to come back in. I'm not ready to talk to him yet.
"So where can I put this?" Sophia brings me back out of my head. She's the only reason I have managed to genuinely smile today. She knows something's wrong but she's not asking and instead is happy to just distract me. Honestly the more she makes me smile the more I want to tell her what's happening. I don't want there to be secrets between the two of us. She's my sister. Instead I just try and enjoy our time together, I don't want to ruin the moment and Daryl can't be the last one to find out. He has to be the next person I tell. When I gain the courage that is.
I look at the card she's holding. "Where do you think it goes?" She hesitantly places it down. "Exactly." I grin at her and lean in a little closer. "I'm teaching you poker next time your mum ain't round".
"I heard that". Of course she was stood in the doorway. Sophia laughs.
"I was just joking", I throw back at Carol but with my back still on Carol I wink at Sophia.
Carol clears her throat so with a fake sigh I turn my head towards her. She's smiling. "Fine, Rummy or go fish. Are they allowed?"
"That's better". Carol then picks up the bag she'd obviously come in for and walks away.
I roll my eyes at Sophia. "I'll teach you, get Merle involved."
