Your Future Hasn't Been Written Yet
by K. Stonham
first released 15th October 2021
Jim stirred the pot mindlessly, tasted it, added a little more salt and pepper. Where was Douxie? Where was Merlin?
Moving on to the next pot, he gave that one a stir too, and a taste-test. He immediately gagged, rushing to spit it out in the sink. Right, pay more attention and do not taste-test the troll recipes, he thought as he hacked and spat and rinsed and spat again. Ugh.
"Jim, you seem to be worried," observed Blinky.
Jim sighed. "They should be back by now," he said. "What the heck are they talking about, that it's taking this long?"
Blinky hummed, and looked at the array of human and troll dishes spread out across the counter. "I assume mealtime is imminent?"
"Yeah. If people ever show up."
"Then perhaps I shall go over and ask Aaarrrgghh and Draal and Toby to begin ferrying food to the cavern, and find our wizardly compatriots to inform them sustenance is nigh."
Jim managed a smile. "Good plan, Blinky."
"If you're waiting for me, no need," Douxie said, pushing open the basement door. He looked tired. Archie slinked in at his heels. "Merlin and I've had things out. I think he's on our side, for now anyway."
Jim looked behind Douxie, but no Merlin appeared.
"I took him over to the Domzalskis so Toby could show him his room," said Douxie. "Where's Claire? I saw there're tables and chairs set up in the arena? Are we eating down there?"
"Claire had to return home for Sunday dinner with her parents," said Blinky. "And we thought a communal meal setting might be the best way to introduce Merlin to, well, everyone."
"Meaning Nana Domzalski," said Jim.
"Ah," said Douxie, then he froze. "Table manners," he murmured, eyes wide.
"Oh dear heavens," Archie agreed, eyes similarly wide.
Jim made a questioning noise.
"Just... don't expect Merlin to really get the whole fork and knife bit, okay?" Douxie said, wincing. "It... wasn't so much a thing at Camelot."
"Douxie," said Jim.
"Maybe make sure he has a steak knife and ignore how he eats for tonight? I'll try to bring him up to speed on that as well."
"Hmm," said Blinky. "And while we are gossiping about the master wizard, may I say that it is likely a good thing Barbara will not remember the previous timeline?"
Douxie's apologetic expression abruptly dropped into something both weary and wary. "What did Master Merlin /do/?"
"Turned me into a troll," Jim said flatly. "But mainly, he was, you know, Merlin."
Douxie and Archie sighed in concert. "I can only imagine," the dragon said.
"I don't want to imagine," retorted Douxie. He looked at the counters. "All this going downstairs, then?"
"Yeah," said Jim. "Just let me call Tobes..."
"I've got it," said Douxie, and all the plates and trays and pots started levitating. "Just call and tell them supper's on."
Merlin was examining the shelf of cursed items. "Where on Earth did you find these?" he asked.
Toby grinned. "In a troll's belly."
"In a troll's...?" Merlin looked at him. "Explain."
"Well, there's this huge mountain troll named Gatto, in a volcano down in South America? And we knew he had one of the Triumbric Stones, which we totally need, but it turns out he keeps all his treasure in his stomach, which is like the weirdest place ever to keep your treasures if you ask me," Toby rambled. "So anyhow, me and Blinky and Douxie and Archie arranged to get eaten by him so we could get at his hoard. And while we were there, Douxie said we could totally grab any other treasure we wanted because he could check it over for curses, so we did, then we went out the back door and booked it back to Arcadia Oaks!" said Toby, beaming because Merlin wasn't interrupting him, not once.
The wizard's expression was inscrutable. "The back door?" he asked.
"Yeah, you know. Food goes in through the mouth, down through the stomach, then out the back door." Toby patted his butt just in case Merlin needed more of a hint.
"How revolting," said the wizard.
"I totally agree! So, like, Douxie won't let us touched the cursed stuff, but is any of it interesting?" Toby tip-toed, trying to peek into the top shelf. Why was everyone taller than him, and why did Douxie, especially, have to have stupidly long legs making him tall?
"Nothing particularly unusual. Some bad luck curses, a few nightmare summoners, one love spell, a handful of misdirections-"
"Wait, a love spell?" asked Toby. "How's that a curse?"
Merlin looked at him. "You do not think a spell which completely removes one's free will is a curse?"
Toby's eyes went wide as understanding sunk in. "Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I can see that."
"I pity the current generation." Merlin turned back to the shelf. "And what, precisely, were you lot planning on doing with these items?"
"I dunno. Douxie said something about maybe using some of them on our enemies, but I really don't know which ones he meant, or how."
Merlin snorted. "As amusing as the idea of Gunmar stuck under a bad luck or misdirection curse might be, I do not see how you might possibly effect such a thing."
"I was actually thinking of the nightmare summoners," Douxie said, coming around the bend with Jim and Blinky, the three of them followed by a bevy of floating dishes. "If we used a potato cannon and a sticking spell, it'd be as good as siccing a horde of pixies on him."
"What the blazes is a potato cannon?"
"Question seconded," said Jim as the food started settling itself on the pushed-together tables.
"Distance artillery, made mostly from a PVC pipe tube," Douxie said, indicating a potato-sized diameter with his hands. "It works on air pressure. Relatively easy to build and use, and the plans are available on the internet."
Toby and Jim exchanged looks. "You know," Toby said, calculating, "I totally bet Eli could build one."
"You'll want to get some practice in with it beforehand, dears," said Nana, as Draal helped her into her seat. "Close only counts in hand grenades, you know!"
"...I thought the saying was 'horseshoes and hand grenades'?" Jim ventured.
"Oh no." Nana's smile was somehow mild and vicious at the same time. "Trust me, it's hand grenades."
Not for the first time in his life, Toby did not want to know what his Nana knew. Or how she knew it.
"The problem we're stuck on," said Archie, landing on a chair next to the one Douxie claimed, "is how to get the cursed coin to stick to the target, but not the cannon."
"I was thinking if I did encapsulated spells," Douxie said to Merlin. "The outer one breaking on impact, as it were..."
"Why not just enchant the interior of the cannon?" Merlin asked, sitting opposite his junior. "It would be simpler."
"Or I could do that," Douxie said, without missing a beat.
The next morning, after sleeping on a bed that had been unspeakably comfortable after centuries on a stone bier, having a breakfast with Lady Domzalski that Merlin admitted had managed to satisfy even his own craving for sweets, and finding his way back to the underground chamber that seemed to serve as a central planning point for Hisirdoux and his associates, Merlin received a surprise.
The librarian troll was seated there, together with his hulking brute other half, each contentedly reading the contents of a large sheaf of flimsy paper. The Krubera was laying on his stomach and seemed to be carefully perusing a page with small, colorful drawings; from what Merlin could tell, the librarian was reading a report on financials.
"Ah, Master Merlin!" the librarian, what was his name again, said, flicking his paper and neatly folding it away. "Good morning."
"Mmm," Merlin said neutrally, not willing to agree but not disagreeing either.
"Sleep well?" the Krubera troll asked.
"Better than expected," Merlin had to admit.
"Douxie has already gone in to work at the bookshop, but he left something for you," said the troll, Blinky, that was his name, pointing at one of the tables.
Merlin stalked over to find a cube awaiting him. Each face contained nine variously colored squares. "And what is this?" he asked, picking it up.
"It is a cube of frustration and confusion!" snapped Blinky.
"Roo-bix cube," the other one corrected.
"And what on Earth am I supposed to do with it?" asked Merlin, weighing it in one hand. There was magic laid on the object, that he could sense, but where the tail end of the spell was hidden, he could not tell.
(He grudgingly had to admit that Hisirdoux's spellwork had gotten neater over the centuries, if this was a current example.)
"You are supposed to twist and turn it until each side is entirely the same color," Blinky said, taking it momentarily from him and demonstrating how each face could move independently, shifting the patterns. "But I have never managed to solve one of the accursed things."
"Hmm. An interesting challenge," Merlin decided, and sat down to solve the puzzle.
"Really, Steve?" Jim asked across the truck's hood as Steve revealed that he was wearing a diaper. "Isn't that a little gross?"
"A lot gross," Shannon agreed, inching away from Steve.
"Ha!" Steve laughed, obviously hopped up from energy drinks already. "You're just jealous you didn't think of it, Lake!"
"I'm not," said Jim. "I'm really, really not."
About the time that Mary started hopping from foot to foot and Steve... went... in his diaper, something beyond Steve caught Jim's eye.
Across the street, Douxie leaned against a brick wall, watching. When he realized Jim had seen him, he gave a smile and a two-fingered salute. A wisp of blue light flew from his fingers, almost invisible in the sunlight, swirled its way across the street, and landed on the hood of Señor Uhl's truck, vanishing in a puff of magic.
Jim had a very strong suspicion that had been a listening spell. He glared at Douxie, who smirked and shrugged.
Steve, who thought the glare was for him, slammed his other hand down on the hood. "You got a problem, Lake?"
"Do not damage Susanna!" barked Uhl.
"Just looking at that guy across the street," Jim said.
Steve twisted, and spotted Douxie. "Him?" he demanded, looking back at Jim. "What about him?"
Jim shrugged. "Just thought the cat on his shoulder was a little weird."
Across the street, Douxie shook with laughter.
"Oh, this isn't worth it!" Mary declared, and ran for the restroom.
A moment later, after Uhl declared her elimination, Mister Strickler stepped up to the truck. "Mister Lake, such a pleasure to see you outside of class," he said.
Across the street, out of the corner of his eye, Jim could see Douxie shift, suddenly becoming less amused and more serious.
"Nice to see you too, Mister Strickler," said Jim cautiously, waiting to see where this was going.
"I just wanted to congratulate you on your performance last week," said Strickler. "It was truly magnificent."
Jim relaxed just a little. "Thank you. It was great sharing the stage with Claire. And Steve and Eli were both pretty amazing, too," he said, looking at them.
Eli grinned with pleasure at the compliment; Steve looked first surprised, then suspicious.
"Indeed," Strickler agreed. "I wanted to ask you something. I am on my way to meet with your mother for lunch. And it occurred to me that I had never formally asked you, as the man of your household, so... may I have your permission to court your mother?"
Jim was sure his eyes were as wide as saucers. He was pretty sure his classmates' eyes were that wide also. "Um," he said intelligently. Then what Strickler was asking him actually sunk in, and he relaxed fully, smiling. "I can think of no one better," said Jim. "Good luck, Mister Strickler."
"Thank you," his teacher replied, with a nod, and turned to go.
"Oh, hey, Mister Stricker!" Jim called. The changeling paused and turned. Jim rifled through his jacket pocket with his free hand, found what he was looking for, and tossed it to Strickler, who caught it. The man uncurled his hand and looked at the roll of LifeSavers Jim had thrown him, then back at Jim. "You know," Jim said, shrugging, "in case you need a breath mint."
And Jim had never, never in the two timelines he'd known Strickler, seen the changeling blush before.
Jim grinned as Strickler hurried away.
"What?" demanded Steve. "He's dating your mom?"
"Eww," said Shannon.
"Eh, he's not that bad," Jim defended his hopefully-future-stepfather. "Besides," he added, "did you see his face?"
And that set them all off laughing one after another, even Douxie across the street. Shannon laughed so hard she slid down the side of the truck and fell away. "Aw, knuckles!" she complained even as Señor Uhl disqualified her and Darci won for the girls. Still smiling as Darci did her victory dance, Jim felt, for just a minute, like he really was sixteen again.
Eventually, though, as Steve grew more and more obnoxious, Eli had the idea to get him reciting from the play again. And Steve, a surprisingly good actor, fell into it with gusto. As blond Mercutio declaimed, Jim looked across the street again at Douxie, who was still standing there.
"Come on," Jim whispered, "don't you have anything better to do than watch this?"
Smiling, Douxie crossed his arms and shook his head.
"Can't you, like, go bother Merlin or something?"
The head-shaking grew more vigorous.
"Argh," Jim said, letting his forehead drop against the truck. Something soft brushed around his ankles. Unsurprised, he looked down. "Hi, Archie."
"Meow," said the cat, before scurrying under the truck and across the road.
Jim looked up at Douxie again. "Seriously," he whispered, "this took like four hours last time."
Douxie mimed eating popcorn. Jim glared.
By mid-hour four, though, the wizard was seated cross-legged on the ground, familiar sprawled across his lap, texting on his phone. Jim wished he had that luxury; he really didn't care about winning the Truck-athon, but if he tapped out early, Steve would turn all his attention on Eli, and Jim did want Eli to win this.
Finally, Señor Uhl decided he needed more coffee and left Eli in charge. About the instant the school doors closed behind Uhl, Douxie appeared, leaning against the truck with his crossed arms draped on the hood. "Hello, lads."
Steve yelped and jumped to the side.
"Hi, Douxie," Jim said wearily.
"Hey, Douxie!" Eli said with more enthusiasm.
"Eli," Douxie said, "Jim and I are working on a project, and we might need your help."
"A project?" Steve scoffed, quickly regaining his cool. "Yeah, right. Don't you work at the cafe or as a model or something?"
"Or something," Douxie replied, smiling as he glanced briefly at Steve. "You interested in giving us a hand, Eli?"
"Um." Eli adjusted his glasses. "It depends what the project is?"
"We need someone technically minded who's able to construct a potato cannon."
"What's a potato cannon?" asked Steve.
"Light artillery," Jim answered, remembering how Douxie had described them. "Air powered. They shoot potatoes."
"Oh, that?" Eli waved his free hand and laughed. "Sure, that's easy. What do you need it for?"
"Top secret as yet, but we'll definitely let you in on it when the time gets closer." Douxie winked. "It may have something to do with some of those books I've recommended you."
Jim's eyes widened and he suddenly wondered just what books Douxie had been selling Eli.
"Really?" Eli gaped, his eyes huge.
Douxie winked. "I would not tell you a lie," he swore. His eyes flicked back toward the school. "Anyhow, I shall leave you to this. Good luck, gents." As he turned to go, he called back, "Oh, and Steve? Your fly's undone."
"What?" demanded Steve, looking down. Then he yelped and hurried to right himself.
Both hands coming off the truck to do so.
An instant later, as Douxie continued walking away, Steve realized what he had done. "No!" he wailed, burying both hands in his hair.
Jim grinned as Eli stared at Steve. Then, as Eli turned back to him, Jim said simply "May the best man win," and lifted his own hand.
Author's Note: About medieval table manners... well, let's start with the fact that forks weren't popular in Britain until the 1700s. The predominant utensil before that was the knife, with which you stabbed things on your plate in order to carry them to your mouth. If they were too big, you latched your teeth on and then used the knife to cut off the bit in your mouth. Merlin really should have asked what a potato was, but given that according to Steve there are turkey legs in Camelot, ToA apparently ignores the entire Columbian Exchange, wherein things like corn, potatoes, and turkeys didn't arrive in Europe until the end of the 1400s. Also, cannons can only be dated to the 1300s in Europe, but given that flying Camelot has 'em, historical accuracy was not too high on the creators' list of priorities. Blinky's line about a Rubik's Cube being a cube of frustration and confusion came from Pixie, on the ToA Discord server we're both on. And as far as the Touch-a-Truck-athon... (1) Jim had way too much fun flipping the whole breath mints thing from the first time around, and (2) what good is Douxie developing a brotherly relationship to Jim if they can't use it to harass one another? I genuinely have no idea, though, if Steve's fly was down on it own or if Douxie magicked it that way to hurry things along. Whichever idea is more interesting to the reader, I guess! :)