Summary:
Dean is right, of course.
Castiel Novak doesn't ever visit.
He doesn't come back.
And sure, he was just some kid that used to babysit his kid, but Dean can't help but feel as though something went missing and never came back the day Cas left.
It doesn't matter anyway, Dean was never more than a faux older brother to the younger man, maybe even a father figure, he shudders a little at that thought, but sometimes… sometimes he still thinks about the look on Cas's face when he called Dean the 'embodiment of love' and inside, he burns.
or
The one where Dean is utterly convinced that love isn't for him and Castiel is dead set on proving him wrong.
Tags:
Alpha Castiel (Supernatural) Alpha Castiel/Omega Dean Winchester Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics Omega Dean Winchester Dean Winchester is Sam Winchester's Parent No really his actual parent Hurt Dean Winchester Dean Winchester Has Self-Worth Issues POV Dean Winchester Bottom Dean Winchester Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester Top Castiel (Supernatural) Younger Castiel (Supernatural) Older Dean Winchester there is an age difference but it isnt large Freaked Out Dean Winchester Other Additional Tags to Be Added no beta we die like men Alternate Universe - Human Human Castiel (Supernatural) the age difference only matters to dean everyone is all about consent here Enthusiastic Consent no underage anything everyone here is an adult Implied Mpreg Multilingual Castiel (Supernatural) Chubby Dean Winchester Kindergarten Teacher Dean Winchester this isnt abandoned scouts honor Slow Burn Marijuana not the marijuana Although Intersex Dean but all female alpha and male omegas are Dialogue Heavy
Rating:
M (winky face)
~With my mouth so full of questions~
Chapter One: Don't Prophesize
"You all packed then?" Dean questioned, finishing up the last of the dishes and putting them in the dish rack. Castiel nodded solemnly, grabbing the last of his books to place in his backpack.
One Castiel Novak did most everything solemnly. Dean had spent the better part of the last five years watching the young Alpha grow and change into a bright young 20-year-old. Castiel had always been such a serious kid, quiet and contemplative. That had been the reason that Dean had decided on him to babysit his pup, Sammy.
Dean had had Sammy at a fairly young age, barely 19, and things were rough for those first few years. Dean himself had been in the foster care system since he was four, so he had some help monetarily through the state, but that money only went so far. His elderly neighbor, Missouri -god rest her soul-, had been kind enough to take pity on Dean and watched Sammy while Dean went and worked overnights at the local grocery store.
"Us single parents have to stick together." She had said the first time she caught Dean crying on the curb outside his shitty studio apartment with a screaming infant. Missouri had scooped Sammy up and onto her hip without so much as a 'how do you do' and calmed the wailing pup in a few moments. Instantly Sammy was smitten, as was Dean. For the next four years, Missouri had helped the single Omega and his pup to both grow up and they had become something of their own little family. A few weeks shy of Sammy's fourth birthday though, Missouri had passed away in her sleep. She had warned Dean, told him to make sure and not come over the day she was to pass.
"I don't want you to see me like that little Om. You and Sammy need to remember me just like this." She smiled warm and bright and despite Dean's misgivings about believing in things he could not see himself; he trusted Missouri Moseley and her intuition above all else. She had been right, of course, and both Dean and Sammy were devastated.
Although Missouri had children of her own, a son and a daughter, they had both passed before Dean had even come around so all of Missouri's possessions, her house, and what little money she had, were left to Dean and his pup. Dean would have been lying if he had said he was surprised, after all, Missouri had always said that the two of them were 'as good as blood'.
So, with the little money Dean had managed to save himself and what had been left to him, he began to look for a better-paying job and something akin to childcare. He found a 9-5 job at a local mechanic shop fairly easily but finding childcare was a whole separate issue. Daycare was out of the question, far more expensive than anything he could afford. Luckily, Sammy would be starting school soon so really, he just needed to find someone to watch him for a few hours afterward.
Dean had interviewed a few people here and there, mostly people in their 20s but they were all more than he could afford. He understood why of course and never held it against them but out-of-budget was out-of-budget. So, he tried teenagers. He focused mostly on either Betas or Omegas given his own history with Alphas and while some seemed fine, no one quite …fit.
Until Castiel Novak. All elbows and knees, he walked into Missouri's living room, he was still adjusting to calling it his living room, in an ill-fitting blazer, bright red tie, and a tan trench coat that was about four sizes too big. He sat down on the well-worn couch and pulled out a slightly rumpled honest to god resume that he tried to smooth out on his knee before handing it over.
There was nothing on the resume of course. Save for his full name, Castiel James Novak –"Please call me Castiel, not Cassie."- home address, and a work history of looking after his three younger cousins. He was only 15 after all, but he was certain that he would do a fantastic job. He had plenty of experience with kids and was at the top of his class in school. As with most teenagers, Castiel did his best to avoid eye contact and spoke very softly.
"Hey," Dean interrupted gently and Castiel looked at him, blue eyes huge. "Look at people when you talk to them, you're important and what you have to say is important too."
The young alpha swallowed so hard it looked like it hurt but he nodded. "Ok."
Dean asked a few more questions here and there but overall, it seemed like a good fit. The deal was sealed when Sammy was introduced to Castiel. Sammy stood next to the couch, staring at this newcomer in the way that kids do. He then pulled up a hand, pencil grasped firming in his little fist, and all out yelled 'Ababa Kahdabah' at Castiel, which Dean took to mean 'Avada Kedavra' given that they were currently reading the Harry Potter Series.
The young Alpha did not even hesitate. He fell over, faking his demise convincingly enough that Sammy inched over to him. "You alive mister?"
"I'm dead." Castiel told him and cracked open an eye. "You get my wand now, it's in my backpack."
Sammy seemed to consider this and sat down on the floor with a thud. He dragged the backpack to him and started to dig through all the pockets. "You got alotta wands!"
"And now they're yours. Since I'm dead." Castiel deadpanned. Sammy grabbed as many pencils and pens as he could, looking more like a poorly drawn wolverine than a wizard, and ran off.
"Don't run!" Both Castiel and Dean said at the same time and Dean laughed. He stood and Castiel followed suit.
"You're hired, Mr. Novak." Dean stuck out a hand, Castiel looked down at his hand and then back up. He smiled and they shook.
"Thanks, Mr. Winchester."
.
Dean shook himself out of his thoughts and brought his attention back to Castiel.
"Yes, Dean."
Unlike Dean, and most people he knew honestly, Castiel had taken to calling Dean by his first name of his own volition. Dean couldn't remember when it happened really, but he'd never said anything about it, in all reality he and Castiel weren't all that far apart in age so he supposed it might seem odd to call someone who was only eight years older than you so formally, despite their professional relationship.
"Good." Dean smiled and threw the dish towel he had been using over his shoulder. "You excited?"
Castiel nodded, a small, almost invisible smile curling his lips. "Yes, I am."
"Good." Dean said …again. This all felt weird to him. It was Castiel's last 'shift' so to speak and he would be leaving in two days for a study abroad program in Japan. He was happy for the younger man, of course, hanging around this town was never going to be enough for Castiel Novak, but he would be lying if he said he wasn't going to miss the young man something fierce. While he didn't view Castiel quite like a son, he felt as though the Alpha had become something of a younger brother. Despite their subgender differences and the societal pressure that an Alpha should never ask an Omega for their opinion on certain subject matters, Castiel was always quick to ask Dean's view on most things. From discussions on political matters -very far left, thank you very much-, to what college he should go to -a local community college to save money because why pay $30,000 for general ed anyway?-, and even his career path. Funnily enough, Castiel had never broached the subject of love, Dean supposed that a) Castiel might not have an interest in romance, b) it might be weird to talk about that sort of thing with a person who was essentially his boss and/or c) it was any of Dean's fucking business.
"I'm'a miss you Cas." Dean mumbled, a little embarrassed. Castiel looked a little surprised, but his smile widened.
"I will miss you too Dean."
Silence settled over the pair before Dean clapped his hands together, trying to break the sudden awkwardness, and made his way to the living room, Castiel trailing after him. "I got ya somethin'."
"That isn't necessary."
" 'Course it is. Plus, it isn't anything special." Dean held out a little bag, it was a leftover bag from last Christmas with little reindeer and snowmen all over a blue backdrop. "Sorry 'bout the bag. Didn't think to pick one up at the store."
Castiel laughed softly and took it, holding it in his hands like it was something fragile, something precious. "I like it." There was something in his face then, something that Dean couldn't quite place, but he pushed the thought aside and gestured for Castiel to open it. The younger man sat down on the couch and set the gift on the coffee table, pulling out each item carefully. An envelope that held some cash and a letter and a tiny black box that had a bumblebee pin inside it. He opened the little box and smiled when he saw what was inside, holding it between two fingers he lifted it and smiled so big at Dean that Dean couldn't help but smile back.
"I know you like bee's 'en stuff. It was a pin, like one of those ones you wear on your shirt or whatever, but I didn't know if you could take that on the plane so I snapped off the pokey part and filed it down best I could. Course you don't gotta take it with you or anything, I know it isn't much-"
"I love it. Thank you, Dean." Castiel interrupted, face still split into a wide smile. "I'll keep in forever."
He said it so genuinely that Dean managed to stop the derisive snort that almost came out. He was pretty sure that once Castiel got to Japan and settled in he would forget all about this little bumfuck town, but it was a nice thought.
"The other thing is just some cash, I got it converted into Yen, it ain't much but I figure it's better to have some cash when you land anyway." Dean scratches the back of his neck, feeling embarrassed that it isn't something better or more. "It's only like 50 bucks in American money and it's all in bills. I read after I got it that coins are better, but I didn't have time to go back to the bank."
Castiel doesn't respond but he honestly looks a little… lost. Dean couldn't even begin to imagine why so he just treks on, "There's also a letter but uh …don't read it here. Just read it later, at home or on the plane or whatever. Or you don't gotta at all like I said, it isn't anything special. Just says 'goodbye' an' stuff."
In all his years of knowing the young man he can say with a confidence that he had never even seen the Alpha come even close to crying but if Dean was a betting man, which he wasn't, he'd say that Castiel looked damn near close to tears. Castiel is suddenly off the couch then and pulling Dean in for a crushing hug. Dean is still larger than him by a decent amount, both in height and size, but with the way he's squeezing Dean, Dean is reminded briefly of how much stronger Castiel is on a very base biological level.
Dean huffs out an 'oof' but returns the hug with nearly as much enthusiasm. Despite himself, he finds tears pricking his own eyes, and when Castiel pulls away, Dean huffs out a watery laugh. "Sorry."
"Don't be." Castiel instantly responds and lifts his hand towards Dean's face before aborting the movement and letting it drop. "Thank you for everything, Dean. For my gifts, and for just …everything. You have no idea what this …what you mean to me."
It's said with such sincerity, so earnestly, that Dean surprises himself by blushing. "Yeah, a'course." He pulls away from Castiel and gently pats him on the shoulder. "Alright, 'm guessin' you gotta get outta here. Still got some packin' to do yeah?"
Castiel looks frozen for a moment, looking as though he wants to say something else, but he takes a deep breath and lets it out. "Yes, a little."
Dean nods and let's go, stepping back while Castiel heads back to the couch to put his things back into his little Christmas gift bag. Dean huffs out a laugh and gestures to it, "You don't gotta keep that."
"I want to." Castiel holds the now-filled bag close to his chest, face serious.
Dean nods and laughs again, "Alright. It's yours, so do what you wanna with it."
Castiel makes a move to put his backpack on and then stops, "May I ask your advice on something?"
"A'course you can," Dean replies without hesitation, albeit he is a little surprised at the last minuteness of the request. Castiel nods once, pulls out the envelope containing his cash and the letter that Dean wrote him, and a pencil.
"I know I've never talked to you about this sort of thing but, as an Omega, what would you look for in an Alpha?"
Now that was the absolute last thing Dean had expected to come out of the younger man's mouth. They had never spoken about anything even close to this subject matter and aside from a few comments here and there, they had never even discussed either of their respective subgenders much less Dean's preferences about anything.
"Uh… well I uh …" Dean starts, a little dumbfounded by the question. "Uh, can I ask why you wanna know?"
Castiel goes pink and he swallows heavily, looking down and nervously flipping the pencil. "I um- well I- …I-"
"Like you said, you an' me have never talked about this before." Dean offers by way of not knowing what else to say.
"Yes, um. Well, I-" Castiel mumbles out again.
And then it hits Dean, "Ohhh. I get it."
Castiel freezes and looks almost panicked, "You do?" He very nearly wheezes.
"Well sure, you got some male Omega friend you like yeah?" Omegas were pretty rare overall and while Dean didn't buy into the idea that he liked things based on his subgender he could see how someone younger might think like that. Dean might be the only other Omega Castiel knew aside from whoever his crush was. Hell, Dean was the only male Omega that he himself knew.
Castiel halts all movement and seems to consider this carefully before nodding, "Yes…" He responds, drawing out the word slowly. "Yes." he says again, nodding once.
Dean nods and leans back against the little rolltop desk behind him, considering his answer. "So first and foremost, you should just ask them, whoever they are, 'bout what they like. I know there aren't a lot of us, but we don't all like the same thing just cause we're both Omegas."
Castiel nods, "Of course not, I am just …looking for guidance."
Dean considers this and shrugs. "Alright then." He crosses his arms over his chest and takes a deep breath. "Guess I'd want um …a provider? 's not the right word really." Dean looks away, "Like someone who could you know …be there emotionally."
"Be there emotionally?" Castiel echoes.
"Yeah like, get their shit right." He gestures to his head vaguely. "Like therapy and stuff. It's hard to be there for someone if you're too caught up in your own head you know?" Dean nods to himself more than anything and looks back at the younger man. "So that way when shit goes south, you can help each other pick up the pieces or whatever."
Castiel seems to consider this and then nods as well, writing down something on the envelope.
"You're not writing this down, are you?"
Castiel looks up, apparently surprised by Dean's comment. "Of course, I am. I asked your advice, why would I not write it down?"
Dean, not knowing what to say to that, just shrugs. "Alright then."
"What else?" The younger man asks after a few more moments.
"Oh uh." Dean rubs his chin, considering. "Don't ever stop courting them you know?"
"Courting?"
"Yeah like, don't let shit fall by the wayside when you have the person you want. Try every day to make them fall in love with you, even when they already are." Dean nods to himself again, that feels like good advice overall. Castiel bends over the coffee table to write that down and Dean pushes forward. "I guess as an Omega I personally like kinda nice things, like soft stuff. I think it's got something to do with the nesting urge or whatever, even when there isn't a pup."
"Soft things?"
"Like blankets and shit. Don't be misled by my lack'a stuff here, I just don't got money." Dean laughs a little sheepishly. "Any money I got goes to Sammy, swear that kid grows two fuckin inches every damn night."
Castiel laughs softly while writing down what Dean said.
"And uh ….jesus …" Dean isn't sure if he should say what he's about to say, sure Castiel is an adult, he's 20 for fucks sake but still, it feels a little weird. "Learn what uh …they like."
Castiel stops mid-writing and looks at Dean, "What they like?" He emphasizes the 'like' just like Dean did and Dean feels himself flush.
"Yeah, like uh …shit …like …" he should just stop talking now but honestly more Alphas should be aware of this anyway and lord knows a lot of Dean's Alpha partners have left him hanging for lack of not knowing what to do and/or a refusal to learn. "Like sex." He finally gets out.
The word drops like a dead weight in the room and Castiel looks all out bewildered. "Oh." He says softly and Dean nods curtly, choosing to -somehow- forge ahead.
"Cause Omegas are different than Alphas." Dean looks away, mostly at the floor. "Like we both got dicks but that's about where the similarities end, there's other stuff in other places and I'm gonna stop talking about this right now." Dean manages in one breath, embarrassed as shit. He knows he kinda looks at Castiel like a little brother so he figures this might be what brothers talk about. Right? Like not about their respective sex lives but about sex as a concept. Jesus, he hopes so 'cause he is 100% certain you could fry an egg on his face and when he finally manages to chance a glance at Castiel, the younger man doesn't look any better.
"Right. Sex. Yes." Castiel stammers out.
"Yup."
"Ok."
"Mhm."
The silence in the room is palpable aside from the light scratching of Castiel's pencil and he writes down whatever the fuck Dean just said.
Another beat passes before Castiel asks if there's anything else, Dean considers this for a moment and then nods.
"Be generous with your words and touch. Make sure you let the person you love know how much they are loved and wanted. Don't hold back when you get the chance to tell them."
Castiel stares at him then, eyes shining with something that Dean doesn't understand and then Castiel looks away, down at his list, and nods carefully. He takes a few moments and then looks over his list.
"So, 'get your head right, with therapy', 'continue to make them fall in love with you', the uh ...um ...sex thing, and 'be generous with your words and touch'." Castiel reads out clearly, only fumbling over the 'sex' part, which Dean can't blame him for given that he feels his own face reheat at the comment. "Any other advice?"
Dean blows out a breath between loose lips and nods, "Be honest, communicate, and be someone who knows how to cook." Castiel's mouth quirks up and he nods quickly, writing that down too. "That's all I got I guess, I'm no love guru." He pushes himself off the desk and smiles at Castiel as he puts his things away again. "I mean shit, I had a kid at 19, 'm probably the worst person to go to for anything about love if 'm bein' honest. Just a whore who had a kid out of wedlock, am I right?" It is definitely self-deprecating but definitely not a joke, not really anyway. Dean is all too aware of what people think of him.
Castiel halts all movement and looks at Dean. The older man almost steps back at the look on the young Alpha's face, he looks absolutely furious. "Do not speak about yourself that way again Dean." He stands, moves around the coffee table, and pushes into Dean's personal space without touching him. "You are the most wonderful parent I have ever seen. You love your friends very much; you give yourself to those you care for with everything you have. Just because some two-bit piece of shit, so-called Alpha left you and Sam because they could not handle the pressure is in no way a reflection of you as a person or how much you know about love. They are the failure, not you. Never you." Castiel is closer now, just an inch away from Dean and Dean is at an absolute loss for what to say. "You are the absolute and utter embodiment of love." Castiel finally finishes, wrapping and gentle hand around Dean's wrist and Dean swallows hard, still at an utter fucking loss. Castiel sweeps his thumb gently across the inside of Dean's wrist for just a moment before stepping away and gathering his things. Dean, still standing there, opens his mouth to say something, anything really, but then just snaps his jaw shut.
"I'll come back and visit you and Sammy as soon as I can," Castiel says, adjusting the backpack on his shoulder, stopping to consider something before crossing the room again to hug Dean one more time. Dean hugs him back wholly, leaning a little into the younger man.
"Sure. I'll always have a room for you here."
Castiel squeezes him a little tighter, burying his face into Dean's neck in a way that is anything but familial. Dean, unsure how to respond, just pushes him back gently, but firmly. "Come on Cas, you gotta get going."
At that, the younger man looks just devastated and Dean almost pulls him back in for another embrace, Castiel nods though and steps back for a final time. "I will come back, Dean."
" a'course you will Cas." Dean concedes, smiling gently. He won't, Dean knows this. He hopes he doesn't. He hopes he never sees Castiel Novak again. This is a shit town, Castiel has shit parents and he has nothing for him here. All his friends are off living their lives and Dean …well Dean is just some guy who paid him to babysit for a few years. That thought makes his throat ache with the sudden urge to fucking sob that he doesn't care to examine too closely but he just smiles. "You'll visit, we'll catch up, hell we'll even be able to have a drink together." He laughs but despite his best efforts, it sounds hollow even to his own ears.
"I will." Castiel makes his way to the door then opens it and steps just outside, "I'll come back better, I'll come back more." It's the most cryptic thing anyone has ever said to Dean but before he can ask what it's supposed to mean, Castiel gives him one final unreadable look and shuts the door behind himself, leaving his old life, his shitty parents, and Dean in his past.
Dean is right, of course.
Castiel Novak doesn't ever visit.
He doesn't come back.
Not when his internship finishes.
Not when he gets a job in the city that's only about an hour's drive away according to the emails he has exchanged over the years with Sammy.
Not even after his parents pass away, good fucking riddance.
And sure, he was just some kid that used to babysit his kid, but Dean can't help but feel as though something went missing and never came back the day Cas left.
It doesn't matter anyway, Dean was never more than a faux older brother to the younger man, maybe even a father figure, he shudders a little at that thought, but sometimes… sometimes he still thinks about the look on Cas's face when he called Dean the 'embodiment of love' and inside, he burns.
Author's Note:
So ...hello. This is the first thing I've published in about 6.5 years. I've written a lot since then, not continuously but I have written. Please just bear with me. I'm trying here.
-Sam
P.S. more tags will be added as the story expands. It will get steamy at some point. scouts honor.
