Our fourth month, we didn't get pregnant again. I went to work that day in a horrible mood, snapping at everyone and making snide remarks. I had overheard Hotch telling the team about why I was acting how I was and asking them to just give me some space.
This month, I didn't get my hopes up at all. We had an appointment to go and have a check up and get some fertility medication this afternoon, following my appointment a few days ago for blood tests.
I had taken a test and then gotten my period last week, ensuring that we weren't pregnant this time either. I almost backed out of going to the appointment this time; if it wasn't happening for us now, maybe it was a sign that it shouldn't happen. Taking medication to try and help us conceive might be the wrong thing to do.
I had expressed this to Hotch this morning, and he told me that I was just nervous and upset about the fact that it wasn't happening ourselves.
We had agreed that we would try for six months before trying fertility medication. This was only our fifth month, but after last week, Hotch said we weren't going to do this anymore. He said he was becoming seriously concerned about my mental health. I told him it was fine, that we could try one more month on our own, and he just said no. It upset me, it caused an argument, and now we were barely speaking.
We spoke when Jack was around, but not as much or as interested as we did before this argument. We spoke about conceiving, but we weren't how we usually were.
I sat in the waiting room beside him, bouncing my leg. He withheld for about five minutes before he put his hand on my knee, "I know you're anxious, but please."
I sighed and sat back, "We shouldn't even be here, not until next month."
"Why are you so against using the medication?"
"Other women don't need medication."
"Plenty do."
"The majority don't." I argued.
He looked at me then and I could see his irritation, "Emily, you are 37. Chances of conceiving seriously deplete by 35. If you want to have a baby then we need the medication. If you don't want to take it, then we can stop trying."
I swallowed and glanced around to make sure other patients weren't close enough to hear our quiet argument, "What happened to "it'll happen when it happens", or your confidence in the fact that we could do this on our own? Where did that go?"
"That went out the window the moment I saw your mentality start to deteriorate. I can't have you back in the place you were after the miscarriage. I cannot watch that again, Emily."
I looked down but didn't reply. That made me feel guilty. After the miscarriage I was seriously depressed and became suicidal. Was that starting to happen again? I couldn't see it, but apparently he could if he was this serious about this ultimatum.
We were called in soon after, and he followed only a step behind me into the room. We sat down and waited for another couple of minutes before my doctor entered with a file in her hands, presumably my blood test results.
"So, how are we going?"
"Good." I answered for both of us.
She held onto the papers in her lap and smiled wide, "Are you both feeling excited about having a baby?"
"Supposedly." I mumbled under my breath.
"Yes," Hotch answered before throwing a warning glance my way, "Any help you can provide would be great."
She laughed a little to herself, "Well, you don't need my help." I glanced at Hotch, wondering if I had missed something somehow. He looked as confused as me at her comment. We both looked to her to continue. She looked down to the file in her hands and removed a sheet of paper. She handed it to me. The list of tests, numbers, and arrows didn't mean anything to me. "Your blood result here," She pointed to one of the lines, "Says you're already pregnant."
I sat with my mouth open for a few seconds before I looked back at her, "I don't understand."
"By those levels, I'd say you're about 8 weeks in, which would mean last month was your lucky month."
"…You said your tests were negative and you got your period." Hotch looked at me.
"They were and I did. I tested last month and last week. Both tests were definitely negative, and I had my period both times too. It only just stopped two days ago."
She smiled, "Those stick tests are not always reliable. If your HCG levels aren't high enough in your urine, it won't detect it at all. I would assume that was what happened last month. As for the one last week, I'd say it was a faulty stick. And for your menstruation…all pregnancies are different. Most women will stop when pregnant, and some will get their period every month throughout their entire pregnancy. The latter isn't overly common. Due to your age, I'd like to do an ultrasound today to make sure that it was a period last week, and not something more…sinister."
"You mean another miscarriage." I said ominously.
She ran through any symptoms I may have had. The only one I really noticed was nausea, but I had just put that down to the stress and the heartbreak of trying.
She got me to change out of my pants and underwear and to lay down with a sheet over my lower half, and my shirt up so my belly was visible. The scar there looked angry like it always did, although it hadn't hurt in a while now.
She noticed the scar and I saw her try and not react, but anyone seeing it for the first time would. I wanted to pull my shirt back down; I hated when anyone saw my scar, including Hotch. A stranger seeing it was even worse.
She carried out an external ultrasound and an internal one, snapped a picture for us, and let us listen to the heartbeat for a short while before she turned it all off. She gave me a hand towel to wipe away the gel and then she let me redress.
When I returned to my seat beside Hotch, he took my hand. I looked at him, a little surprised that he did since we had been fighting so much these past few days. When I met his eyes, my heart melted. He had tears in them that hadn't fallen. He had a beaming smile. He was so happy.
"So," The doctor started as she sat back in her seat and looked at us again, "I stand corrected on your timeline. Off that scan, I'd say you're 10 weeks. In another two weeks, you'll come back for another scan, called a dating scan. That's when we can accurately measure baby to give you a due date." She looked at me and seemed to hesitate before speaking in a softer voice, "I hate that I have to bring this up…but your scar may be a little problematic. Not for the baby, but for you."
"How?"
"Well because of the size and the stitch of the scar, it could become seriously painful when your belly starts to grow. I haven't seen it myself before, but I have heard from another doctor that a patient of his had a considerably large scar on her abdomen too, and within her last month of pregnancy, the skin actually split because it stretched out too far."
"…I never thought about that." I said quietly.
"I can prescribe you a cream. It won't reduce the scar, but it may help it stretch easier and lessen any itching or pain. Obviously you won't need it for a while, so I won't give it to you just yet. But just be aware that you will most likely need to have something to help the scar along."
I nodded, thanked her quietly, and then glanced at Hotch. He didn't seem bothered that the scar may cause issues. He just smiled at me and then pressed a kiss to my temple.
The car ride home was quiet, and then we went inside, I went upstairs to go to the bathroom. I washed my face afterwards and smiled to myself in the mirror. I let a breath out before going back out into the bedroom to find Hotch waiting for me.
"You seem less than thrilled." He didn't beat around the bush. I appreciated that.
I smiled at him weakly, "I am thrilled, Aaron. I'm so happy and excited, but I'm also terrified."
"Why?"
"…What if it happens again?"
He stood up shaking his head and approached me. He put his hand against my cheek, "You can't think like that. We know about it this time. We're going to do everything we can to ensure this baby makes it through. Your doctor already set up your appointment schedule. Going that often, I can't see any issues that we can't catch beforehand. And Emily, we did it on our own." He smiled, trying to lighten my mood.
I smiled and laughed, "Yeah." I stood to my toes and kissed him with so much feeling. He almost stumbled backwards, but found his footing and then guided me to the bed.
Just when he had laid me down and started to move down to my neck, we heard the front door slam open and Jack call out for his daddy. Hotch groaned as he dropped his head to my shoulder, and I laughed lightly.
He kissed me once more, "Put this on hold for later tonight." He stood up and held his hand out to assist me.
We spent the afternoon playing with Jack. We took him out to a small family restaurant for dinner, and then we got him bathed and in bed.
We sat down in our bed and began to discuss what we were going to do. He didn't want to tell Jack until my bump was too obvious, just to save him the disappointment and misunderstanding if something did happen to go wrong, as much as it pained him to say.
I told him that I didn't want to tell the team until I couldn't hide it anymore, because I didn't want to be babied, and I didn't want to disappoint them either if something when wrong.
We agreed that we'd wait, although he said they'd probably guess pretty soon, considering I wouldn't be in the field with suspects or unsubs anymore. Maybe in different circumstances I might have continued all my duties in the field for a little longer but with more caution. Because this pregnancy was classed as high-risk, and what happened when I miscarried last time, Hotch wasn't allowing any dangerous work. I could attend dumpsites, I could visit families for interviews, but otherwise I'd be working from the station.
It was sweet that he was so adamant about it. He thought I would argue with him, that I'd want to be in the field longer. Honestly, I was thinking about just resigning altogether. I didn't say that to him, though. Mostly because he would support me and let me do that in a heartbeat, and then I would feel guilty that he had to support me and Jack with only his income.
I wasn't raised that way.
We continued our earlier activities once Hotch had checked on Jack to make sure he was sound asleep.
Afterwards, I lay on Hotch's shoulder, running light circles around his chest with my finger. "Aaron?" I whispered in case he was asleep.
"Hm?"
"I want to get married before we have the baby."
"We'll start planning tomorrow." He said without hesitation.
I smiled, grateful that he didn't care where, when or how, as long as I was happy. "And I want to have both our names."
"Sweetheart, I won't be offended if you don't take my name. Your entire career has been built as Agent Prentiss."
"That's why I want both. I can stay Agent Prentiss at work, but still be a Hotchner everywhere else. I want to have your name, and Jack's name, and the baby's name."
I felt him press a kiss to my hair, "Emily Elizabeth Prentiss Hotchner. A bit of a mouthful…" I could hear the teasing in his voice. I laughed lightly and kissed his chest before relaxing into him.
This baby was going to make it, and were going to get married, and everything was going to turn out exactly the way we wanted it to.
