Sort of late, I know. The charger from my computer decided to stop working, and writing on my older computer is hard. Anyway, here it is.
The song "Ghost" by Justin Bieber really inspired this chapter (I didn't even know it was from him, such a lack of common knowledge I have!). Though I understand the main topic of this song is different from what is portrayed in the chapter (fortunately!) while writing, I heard it a lot, and I think the chorus is the perfect summary. Hope you can see it too.
See you again on the end notes!
Chapter 12 - Ghost of You
"Slowly. Yes."
My arms fell on the sides of my head. I hissed when I felt the cold air on the saliva left by Ohm's mouth on the tip of my dick.
"Ohm…"
His mouth was occupied with the inside of my thigh, sucking and licking it. It tickled with goosebumps. And his hand kept going on me in ways I only thought to be a work of art in jerking off.
"This is one of my favourite parts of you," he said against my thigh.
His mouth was shiny, the mould of saliva framing his lips. This picture of Ohm messy and dishevelled made me twitch with desire.
"C'mere," I called.
I pulled him to my body, embracing the heaviness of Ohm over me, and kissed the moans out of his mouth while jerking us together.
"NANON!"
Suddenly, my mother opened the door with a loud beat and stood there looking at me in disbelief.
"Ma!"
I jumped in place, covering myself with my old superhero duvet. Do I still have this?
"What are you doing?!"
I looked around. Ohm wasn't there anymore, and this was the bed from when I was a small kid. I quickly accepted that fact as something normal, overwhelmed by the fear and shame I was feeling.
"I wasn't expecting this from a well-behaved kid! What if your little sister was to come in here and see this? You can't do this," she added in a whisper, entering the bedroom hurriedly, "Imagine what others will think if they saw this."
She grabbed my arm and managed to pull me easily out of bed, though I was still my 22-year-old self.
"Put on some clothes! We have some of your father's friends coming over. You need to behave and look presentable."
My feelings were controlling my beating heart. I needed to run. I needed to get out of there. I ran out of my bedroom door and kept running through nowhere, to nowhere. But Ma's screams were getting higher. Higher and higher! It was becoming harder to keep running, covering my ears was not enough to muffle the deafening sound.
Until I crashed against something. A hard soft body. Then, there was only his voice against the silence. Only his.
"Non…" I felt Ohm's fingers on my hair, soft like he was caressing the most precious thing in the world, "I just want to see your smile."
He opened his eyes. Nanon took some time to reorient himself after waking up from his dream, the sentence that Ohm used to say to him still ringing in his head. He first felt the soft bed under his body. He was lying on his side, as such, he could see that the window's shutter was slightly open, but the bedroom was totally dark.
It must be night.
He noticed he was completely naked, his body sore in some regions. Some flashbacks of last night danced in his mind - they fell asleep entangled in each other's arms, exhausted and well fucked. He grazed the empty bed, his foot doing the same to the opposite side and reaching the precipice of the bed. It was cold enough to tell that Ohm had left it for quite some time. He was alone.
However, a strange but somewhat familiar discomfort started to build on him, as if he was not as alone as he first thought. Like someone else's eyes were on him. The heaviness of that feeling started to weigh on his chest, and he felt the hair of his nape stand up. He thought about an exit or fight plan, his heart beating the blood all the way through his body, but in the middle of it, the rational part of his brain noticed how stupid this was. Nothing was waiting in the darkness.
Grabbing that thought, he decided to turn around from where that dark energy was coming. Some hours later, he will be thinking this was a terrible choice, and he would definitely not survive a zombie apocalypse. He started rolling his body to the other side without sudden movements. His heart, disbelieving the rational part of his brain, was being crushed over and over against his rib cage loudly.
He gasped at what he saw. Two yellow light dots side by side holding his gaze. He froze in place, and the two small fountains of light stayed equally frozen. One minute of wait raised the possibility of that being just light from some electric device or… Something like that, not animalistic, not demonic, obviously not threatening. But his unrested heart didn't believe. That light dots were too alive, too attentive…
And then, it happened. The light dots moved, and with them, his whole body, as well. He jumped from the bed, getting caught in the bed sheets and falling on his ass. He screamed loud, in panic, trying to get away as fast as possible.
"Nanon!"
The light was now on, and Ohm ran to hold him.
"What's happening?!"
He grabbed Ohm where he could reach, looking to the other side of the bed - only the white wall staring back at him.
"It was there!"
Ohm tried to calm him down, "It's okay. It was just a nightmare."
"It was real!" he shouted back.
Nanon's eyes were still widened and his breathing fast while he tried to free himself from the sheets and Ohm's arms that were stopping his movement.
"Let go of me! It was real, it was real!"
Ohm let him go and helped with the sheets. Nanon stood up and grabbed Ohm's hand, taking some steps back until he hit the wall.
"It was there," he pointed to the place where he saw the two bulbs of light, "Right there!"
Ohm caught his other hand on his and struggled in an attempt to look into his eyes.
"Okay, Nanon. What was? Talk to me."
"I don't know. But it was!" Nanon stared desperately back at Ohm's eyes, "It really was, Ohm."
Ohm took a deep and long breath and said, "So, I'll go take a look. Stay here."
Nanon hesitated but didn't let go of his hand, "I'll go with you."
They took the first step together and then the next. Once they got closer to the edge of the bed, they kept going slowly with their eyes glued to the spot mentioned by Nanon. But no eyes in sight. The same light brown floor that was under their feet was empty, the wall naked, the shelves with the model cars, one train model and some prizes still lifeless. Was he getting crazy?
"I'm not crazy…"
"Let me check under the bed."
Ohm got his knees on the ground and bent.
"Be careful," warned Nanon.
"Ah!" Nanon jumped, scared in anticipation of what Ohm found, "I found your underwear!" revealed Ohm, smiling, bringing his boxers out and finally noticing how naked Nanon was, "You should consider putting some clothes on."
Ohm looked away, waiting for him to take his underwear from his hand.
"Maybe it was some sort of bug," he rushed to add, changing the subject.
Nanon hurriedly put on his boxers and t-shirt he found on the bed.
"It was eyes. Bugs don't normally glow, do they?"
Ohm tilted his head to that answer.
"Eyes?"
"Yes. It was two glowy balls, and they moved."
Ohm seemed to think for a moment.
"Oh!"
A smile gradually appeared on his face, and he started laughing. Nanon was confused, his eyebrows moving closer together.
"Oh?" asked Nanon, confused.
Still chuckling, Ohm got up and started to walk towards the living room.
"Moonlight! Where are you?"
Nanon followed him hesitantly.
"Baby!"
That's when he heard a prolonged meow coming from his back.
When he turned around, he saw a small black and white cat. Its coat was mostly white, but its tail was totally black. It had two black stripes near its right back leg and two big black spots: one at the beginning of its right front leg and another at the end of its left front leg. The top of its head was also covered with black fur that went all the way to its left eye in an irregular spot. There were more irregular tiny spots from its nose to its mouth.
"There you are."
Ohm walked past Nanon and bent over, his knees on the ground.
"My princess…" he giggled a bit when the cat reached its head to his, "Were you the one that scared Nanon?"
Oh... The glowy eyes.
Nanon could laugh at his own stupidity if he wasn't too occupied with the image in front of him. Ohm gladly accepted the body rubs of Moonlight that curled and uncurled its spine along Ohm's face to then start licking the beginning of Ohm's hair near his ear. Oh, this was cute. He was cute.
"Did you get scared as well, Moonlight? Come, I'll give you a snack. But just a little one!"
He got up, heading for the kitchen with Moonlight following him. She meowed while he was taking the snacks from the shelf. Impatient for contact, Moonlight jumped and started climbing Ohm's sweatpants and t-shirt.
"Shia, Moonlight! Your nails!"
Reaching to his shoulder, Moonlight tried to balance herself so as not to fall.
"Crazy girl. You cannot do this anymore. Soon enough, you'll become too big to stand on my shoulder."
She seemed to ignore him, licking his hair.
He shook the package of the food, and she jumped on the balcony. After opening it, he squeezed the pack slightly to make the creamy mixture come out. With his elbows on the balcony, he watched while Moonlight licked the mixture. Nanon's heart flipped with Ohm's shiny and warm eyes. He stepped closer.
"I thought you didn't like cats."
Ohm laughed.
"It's not that I didn't like cats. I just didn't want the mess. But, well, cats are very clean, and she and I just sort of happened. I found her in an alley. My manager told me not to bring her to the van because she was very dirty. But she was so small that I smuggled her inside of my bag," he smiled fondly, "I took her to the vet as soon as we reached, and as it turns out, she had a lot of fleas. I burnt the bag," he chuckled, "She had to do a treatment for some time, and since then, she has been my little secret, isn't that right?"
She stopped licking the package to look at him with googly eyes. She seemed in love, but it was Ohm who said it while petting her.
"I love you so much, princess."
Nanon's heart didn't seem to be able to work at a normal rhythm that night.
"How old is she now?"
"The vet said she was only 5 or 6 weeks old. So, probably six months. I don't know for sure. I still have to define a birthdate so we can have her first birthday party," his voice got a little higher in its tone while she licked her mouth, finishing the creamy mixture, "Right, baby? I'll buy you a nice big gift, and if those cats' videos are right, you'll end up playing more with the box than anything else."
Nanon laughed, enchanted by him, getting closer enough to grasp his hand around his hip. Feeling Nanon's proximity, Ohm tensed and stepped away.
"I think we shouldn't touch each other. We already did way too much."
Nanon's breath got caught in his throat.
"Why?"
"Nanon, I think you know why…"
Film.
Nanon reached his hand to Moonlight, but just like Ohm, she got tense and ran away to Ohm's side. Ohm murmured an «it's okay» to her while she stared at Nanon with teenage haughtiness. Nanon smiled.
"I think she doesn't like me very much."
Ohm gave him a small smile.
"I and Film broke up," stated Nanon, bluntly.
Ohm seemed surprised, and that gave Nanon hope. Fast enough, Ohm worked his expression back to his normal self.
"I'm sorry. Hope it was nothing serious and that you are both okay."
Nanon sensed his heart contracting harder, causing a slight pinch of pain.
"Is that the only thing you want to say?"
Ohm answered slowly, without anger or accusation in his voice, just tiredness, "What more were you expecting, Nanon?"
"I-… I just thought…"
He hadn't considered that maybe Ohm was no longer on the same page as him.
"I think… I thought that maybe… You still… Wanted to be with me?" he said in a whisper.
Ohm exhaled sharply, "Nanon, I love you."
Nanon breath got cut in his throat. His heart was beating so hard that a slight fear of dying of some cardiac disease crossed his mind.
"I don't have the patience for hiding. No games. I love you," he thought he saw Ohm's eyes getting wet before the older boy turned around, his face not visible anymore. He started to stroke Moonlight, and she laid down to accept the caresses, her belly roaring in appreciation.
"Nanon, you and Film broke up," he shrugged, "What does that change? Nothing. There's still your mother, our families, our carers… We are still in the same place as we were. Everything is the same. And I cannot be «friends that make each other feel good» because…" he laughed, "I love you and apparently still have an infinitesimal sense of self-preservation. Our relationship comes with very heavy possible costs. Risking would just be a stupid decision for both of us, don't you think?"
Nanon looked at the ground, took one step forward and asked, "What if we were to choose to be more than «friends that make each other feel good»?"
He could hear Ohm dry swallow, his eyebrows frowned.
"I think every relationship is a choice. If we want to be together, our «we» is something that doesn't just exist because we feel it. Our «we» must be a choice. A conscious choice where we must accept each other and understand that things will certainly get bad, but…"
Ohm froze in surprise when he felt Nanon's hands on him. He was so focused on just getting his mind straight to say everything right that didn't notice how close Nanon was.
He enlaced his arms around Ohm's waist and whispered into his ear, "But?"
A trembling goosebump went down Ohm's spine. Nanon's voice was melodious and deep in his ear, and the memory of his body against him, his lips on his neck still fresh from earlier.
"Baby?"
Ohm's voice came trembling, "But we would…"
Nanon pulled slightly on his waist to turn him around. His mouth came first, nearer to Nanon's, just lips brushing each other.
"I love the bruises on your neck, puppy," murmured Nanon against his lips.
"We would..."
Nanon's hand touched his neck and then ascended to his cheek, caressing it. Ohm's plump lower lip brushed softly with the promise of a kiss' pressure, and Ohm's warm breath against his lips was mouthwatering.
"Be… Together."
Nanon ate this last word with his mouth, breathing Ohm's breath away. He pulled on his cheek, their lips sweeping each other with pressure. Ohm dipped his fingers in the back of Nanon's hair and pulled him together as if it were a necessity. In a trance, Nanon moaned into Ohm's mouth, waking when he felt something humid on his cheeks.
He opened his eyes and saw that tears were rolling from Ohm's eyes.
"Ohm?"
His head was pending, and he couldn't control the sobs that rebelled to come out of his compressed lips. He took his forearm to his eyes in the urge to control his tears.
Nanon hugged him, "Ohm, it's okay. What is-…"
"Please don't," Ohm pleaded in a trembling whisper, "No, please… Don't hug me. Please."
Ohm didn't step away, but Nanon did. He looked at him.
Ohm pressed his eyes shut until the tears dried, his body falling slightly to the front, and took one deep breath before facing Nanon.
"Sorry…" Ohm laughed sharply, "I'm ridiculous…" another deep breath, "Nanon, I cannot control where you are or if you glance in my direction or how fucking beautiful, competent and perfect you are, but this I can. Please, don't touch me, don't hug me, don't call me baby or puppy because…" he caught his breath to continue, "Because every time you do that, I feel hopeful. Hopeful that when I arrive home, you'll be here cooking for me, laughing at some stupid non-sensical joke you said. Hopeful that I'll be tired from listening to you talking over and over about Marvel and some astronomy crap and end up losing myself in those stupid fucking eyes. Hopeful that someday, I'll be able to introduce you to my friends and family as my boyfriend and not my friend…"
Ohm arched his head back, panting as if he had been running.
"Damn. I talked too much and said too little," he looked back at Nanon and noticed the tears falling from the other boy, "Sorry, I didn't want to come too strong on you or scare you."
"I love you too."
Ohm's eyes widened, and he laughed.
"Well, that's not good, is it?"
"Why not, Ohm?" Nanon made intentions of moving forward to Ohm, but Ohm flinched, so he stopped, "We can be together again."
"No."
"You don't want me anymore."
Ohm sighed and smiled tenderly.
"I'm selfish enough to want. I'm selfish enough to be happy about you saying you love me back. In the same way, I have to be selfish enough to do other things. And I don't think you are in the right position to take this decision."
"This is my choice, Ohm!"
Ohm faced him in disbelief.
"Is it? Can you make a clear choice for the future now or is this your immediate choice?" he began, "Just the other day you were dating another person. This is your choice now, after we had sex, here, in our private space, alone. What about tomorrow? And the day after? And the day after the day after tomorrow? Will it still be your choice?"
Nanon wasn't expecting to feel doubts, but he did. Will it? Could he guarantee that? Could he ever? He knew what he wanted. But what was he hopping?
"Nanon, I told you. This cannot be chosen just because we love each other. It must be a conscious choice. I know we can't guarantee we'll be dating forever, even if you say a conscious yes. However, I'm selfish. Not just because I don't want you to leave tomorrow… More than that, I'm selfish enough to not want to end my days with you blaming me for what your life has become. I don't want you to throw everything away in a rush move for a «friend that makes you feel good»."
Their hearts were tumbling inside their chests. Nanon was feeling totally and utterly powerless.
"Can you guarantee me, with a clear mind and some certainty that, at least, you won't regret the time you will spend with me from now on?"
They stared at each other, mouths opened and eyes teary. Their heavy chests raised and fell at a similar rhythm. There was no anger, just undeniable love and truth.
"Why must it be so hard?"
"Yes, why?"
It didn't take that long for Nanon to be properly dressed, mask and glasses on his face, ready to leave. One borrowed scarf covering all the love bites left by Ohm.
"Do you want me to give you a ride home? It started to rain heavily."
"If you don't mind, I'd rather go alone."
He caught a taxi, and on the way home, he planned to give back the scarf to him (even better, to his manager) tomorrow at the company.
He didn't.
No heartbreaks, friends! My beta-reader almost killed me after reading this chapter (but I bravely came out alive!). The end took a different turn from what I was expecting. I hope I can finish this in one more chapter, but I don't know if it will be possible. However, it won't be more than two chapters (it's enough already!).
New character unlocked: MOONLIGHT. And yes, I know many cats don't behave like her. But this is my story, so I'm free to make up cats however I wish! And come on, Ohm with a cat. My heart is too small to take this calmly!
I don't know if I will be able to see you again next week. It will take longer, maybe two or three.
Geez, I'm talking way too much here. I'm out!
*whispering* Reviews are appreciated*whispering*
