Disclaimer- I do not own the walking dead

Slight trigger warning for Postpartum disorders. If anyone is going through something like this know that it's a lot more common than you think it is. You aren't alone and there are people out there who can help.

Enjoy

Danny's POV

We both apologised to each other, not to admit fault to each other but more because we both said some hurtful things which we regret. Since then we've been okay but I know he's still thinking there's something wrong with me, I can see it everytime he looks at me. It makes talking to him hard, I don't want to say or do anything that will make him question me. He's off doing something, I don't know what, while I'm helping bring out some furniture from the second house so we can turn unwanted rooms into bedrooms. People will start needing their own rooms, for their sanity and those around them. I'm not avoiding him more like I can't keep feeling his eyes on me every second knowing full well they're full of pity and questions.

Merle and Sean are back from their run, they were only gone a few hours so now Sean and Eugene are working on connecting the solar power to the third house so it can have electricity. Even with clearing out the unused rooms there are still too many people to be comfortable in just two houses.

"Danny!" Glenn calls out to me, I turn around until I see where he is. When he knows he has my attention he jogs over. "You move around too much, it's taken me ages to find you."

"Sorry?" I shrug with a little smile.

"Sounds like it, I'm going on a perimeter walk, you wanna come?"

We still have a few more guard towers we want to put up so walking around the perimeter helps us check up on things although even when we have the rest of the towers up we'll still keep it up. It'll help us keep an eye on the wall for any problems, we can also get rid of any lingering Walkers so they don't draw others.

"Maggie not wanna come with you this time?" He usually takes her.

"No", he then gives me a look of I'm waiting.

"Fine, I'll come with you. Just give me a minute to let Daryl know".

"He already knows. I asked him if he'd seen you around. I asked a lot of people actually and you weren't where any of them thought you were. He's with Sophia who has Riley".

"Let's go then". On our way towards the gate I make sure my knife is one hundred percent accessible and check the clip of my gun. I know it'll have bullets in it as Merle cleans and checks my gun a lot but it's also nice to just double check myself. What if I'd forgotten to put the clip in, Merle would have a field day and he would never let me live it down.

Abraham opens the gate for us, "Holler if you need anythin'".

"Without a doubt", I reply before stepping through. We wait until he's shut the gate behind us before we start our walk.

We don't talk, he just walks about a foot away from me, keeping pace. Every now and then I catch him casting a glance my way and if I look back at him he quickly looks straight ahead.

It happens twice more before I suddenly stop walking. "What?"

He stops and when he turns to face me he's wearing the most innocent expression on his face, his eyes are wide like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Huh?"

"Why do you keep looking at me?"

"I'm not, sorry". We stare at each in silence for a few seconds more but when he doesn't say anything I go back to walking but I can hear that he doesn't follow.

"You know I love you, right?" He says all of a sudden. I stop and slowly turn back around.

"Yes… And I love you", I say a little hesitantly.

"So you know you can talk to me about anything?" And there it is, he's brought me out here to talk, of course he's spoken to Daryl.

"Yeah, I do know that ", is all I say in response. He continues to just stare at me, waiting. I roll my eyes. "I don't have anything to say, I'm fine."

"Being fine doesn't mean you're okay".

I sigh heavily and turn away, "I'm not doing this", I start walking again, "I already have Daryl on me, I don't need you too so just leave it… Please".

He starts following after me but then latches onto my arm to make me look at him.

"There is something wrong, I know there is. You can tell me".

I let out an angry rush of air, "There is nothing wrong, so leave it".

He doesn't let my arm go, "I won't say anything to anyone, we can keep it between us, but you have to tell me. I know you Danny and this isn't you".

I rip my arm out of his grasp, "Stop!" My voice is low, "We need to finish this patrol".

"You're lying to me, to Daryl… To yourself. People are worried, not just me and Daryl. A lot of people have noticed and they're talking".

"Well tell them to stop".

"Danny…"

"Just stop and listen to me". I know that it came out harsh but I've had enough. "Whatever it is that you're trying to say, I don't want to hear it. There… is… nothing… wrong!"

"NO! You are gonna listen to me". I don't think he's ever shouted at me before. "Herschel thinks you have postpartum Anxiety, it's a form of PPD. I didn't want to be the one to tell you, I wanted you to just talk to me, 'cause apparently you aren't gonna talk to Daryl about it all and he doesn't want to upset you anymore than he already did. He doesn't want to say something he'll regret just to make you listen".

"I don't…" I don't finish, not that I knew what I was going to say.

"Your mind is constantly reeling with what if's, right? You're constantly thinking something is going to happen to Riley, to the point you can't trust him with other people even though you know deep down we'd do anything for him". No. "You feel like you have no control over anything and your fears are controlling you".

I shake my head as I can feel tears welling in my eyes. "That's not…" But maybe it is. Maybe I'm scared of losing the one innocent thing I have in this world. I could lose him at any point and it doesn't even have to be from a Walker. What if something was to happen to him when neither one of us was there, I would never forgive myself. I blink away the tears, "I want to finish this walk so we can go back".

He looks disappointed but he nods, "Okay", he says softly. "Let's go". He gives in easier than I thought but he's said what he's wanted to say.


As soon as the gate is open enough for me to squeeze through I'm hurrying inside without a word to anyone, I need to find Herschel.

"Are you okay?" Karen calls to me as I hurriedly pass her.

"Have you seen Herschel?"

She nods and points towards the main house, "Yeah, he's still in the garden. Do you need help?"

I shake my head, "No, thank you". I keep walking before she can say anything else.

I find him kneeling on the ground cutting some plants up. "I don't appreciate you diagnosing me when I don't want or need you to".

"Dan…" He starts looking shocked at my sudden appearance.

"No, You lied to me just to get me to work with you so you could take it upon yourself to get inside my mind. I don't need it, I don't know how many times I have to say this, I am fine". I stop about three feet from him as he gets to his feet. "If I needed help I would ask for it. You're all getting inside my head, you're the ones who are making me crazy. I need you all to just leave me alone". And then without letting him get a word in I walk away.

I go in search of Daryl but I don't have to look very hard because as I walk back around the side of the house he appears walking towards me, one glance past him tells me Glenn has talked to him because he's standing on our front garden staring our way. Before I have the chance to speak Daryl grabs my wrist and pulls me after him as he walks us back around to the back garden, straight back to Herschel.

He pulls me from where I've been trailing behind him to stand right beside him and keeps his grip on my wrist. "Listen! Please".

Herschel looks at Daryl for a second before turning a soft smile onto me. "What you're feeling, there's nothing wrong with it. Many people suffer from it and it doesn't mean you're weak".

"You are not weak", Daryl states with a little more force.

"Dealing with Postpartum Depression or Anxiety", Herschel keeps his voice tender, no annoyance or hard feelings that I just shouted at him, "is tough and it won't be easy, you will have more bad days than good and with how things are now it's gonna be a lot harder; But you have a family here and everyone wants to help and if it means you taking a step back from leading this group then we can manage. We can leave you alone or help you as much as you need but don't brush off the people who are trying to help you. No one will tell you that you are just being stupid and it's all in your head, and if they do"...

"Then they'll have me to answer to", Daryl butts in.

Herschel smiles a little bigger and gestures at Daryl, "See, and I'm certain Merle, Carol, Sophia, Glenn, Maggie and a lot more will say the exact same thing. I apologise for the way we went about telling you. I shouldn't have lied to you about wanting your help, but if I'd said we'd needed to talk would you have wanted to listen".

He stares at me patiently until I finally shake my head. "No". I wouldn't have because accepting that I'm struggling with my own child is not something I want to admit to myself, let alone other people who for some reason rely on me to lead them. To make the decisions that won't get them injured or killed. Daryl lets go off my wrist and I use that hand to brush my hair back. I let out a heavy breath. "Do they want me to step back?"

"No", Herschel says immediately. "You have been good to us, helped us out of terrible situations, kept us well fed and rested and you've got us here. But if it's what you need then they'll just have to get used to Merle making more choices". His attempt at a little joke, I offer the tiniest of smiles but it's not real and he knows it.

I don't think this is something I can deny anymore, even if I don't want to admit it I think the only chance I have is too.

"I need help", my voice breaks on the last word and a few tears slip out.

"Why don't you let Daryl take you to get some sleep and we can talk about what we can do to help you when you've rested. Being tired doesn't help you".

"Okay" I reply through a sniffle. Herschel walks closer and puts his hand on my shoulder, he squeezes it before walking away. As soon as he's gone Daryl suddenly pulls me into him. He wraps his arms tight around my back as I grip the back of his shirt, he places a kiss against the top of my head and then I just cry. Hard.


It's still light when I open my eyes again, I look up from where I'm laying on our bed at Daryl who is sitting against the headboard. "Hi", I mumble sleepily at him.

"Morning".

Morning! No way did I sleep that long, oh my god. I sit bolt upright, I haven't fed Riley or Judith. Why didn't he wake me? Why didn't I wake up?

Daryl wraps an arm around my midsection and pulls me back, forcing me to lay my head on his chest.

"Easy, it's fine. They've both been fed, it's why ya keep your milk, and they're currently next door with Carol and Merle. You needed to sleep and with how long you've slept for ya can't tell me otherwise".

I want to say something to disagree with him but I don't know what, which means he's not wrong and I will just be arguing for absolutely no reason.

I let out a heavy sigh, "So what now, how do I…" Get better is the only words I can think of to add on the end, but it's ambitious and it's not gonna be that easy.

Daryl seems to understand though without me finishing it. "I think you need to speak to Herschel about it, I can't because I don't want you to think I'm tellin' you what to do and I don't want us to argue anymore".

"I'm sorry, I know you were just trying to help but at the time I just thought you were trying to just point out everything I was doing wrong but I know that's not the case. I can't say that I won't find it hard but I promise I will listen from now on"; And I mean it, even if I don't like what is being said. I just have to remember that they're just trying to help me.

I can feel him take in a deep breath and then let it out slowly. "I don't think you should go out, just for the time bein', and I won't either. Merle can hunt for us for a bit. And to start with you should allow others to look after Riley without him bein' in sight of you at all times. We will take it slow and I will be with you all the time. Ya don't have to go through this alone."

"Okay", I say rather reluctantly but I know he's right. "Why can't I be like you? You have some much faith in the rest of them to look after him and that they'll do everything they can for him."

He chuckles humorlessly. "I worry about him all the time, the same as I do with you. I find myself being extra cautious when goin' out because I know I have to come back because I have to be here for you. I have to protect you and the only way I can make that happen is to make sure I'm sensible and do everything in my power to come back".

"I couldn't do any of this without you", Not just Riley but leading this group. I couldn't do any of it if he wasn't here with me. "But you don't have to protect me".

"I'm not protectin' you because you're weak, I'm protectin' you because you're the most valuable thing to me, you and Riley. Out of all of our family you are the one I can't live without, I will always protect you even when you don't think you need it". He chuckles a little but this time I can tell it's sincere. "Even if you fight me on it."

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