Harry got back to her quarters feeling good about her prospects with both Mildred the Backup Girlfriend and Gingham Babe with Issues, if she did say so herself. And lo and behold, there was the girl — and really, all she needed was some fixing up — who'd already committed to a physical relationship of some kind.

She looked at Harry archly. Of course, she knew how Harry had spent her day.

"It occurred to me, Harry, that we don't actually know each other at all, and if we're going to associate, let's fix that."

"I'm game, if you are," Harry replied. "Is there somewhere nearby girls go to hang out?"

"Karla's. Let's," said Hermione, grabbing Harry's arm. "I can go out whenever I wish, and I believe it extends to you, given I've informed Amelia you are our sole resource for information on the troll wizard you tried to pretend not to know. What is his actual name, by the by?"

"Ah," said Harry, sheepishly rubbing the back of her head and blushing. Blushing! "It's Torok, actually. And he started life as an elf, learned to be a wizard, then was turned into a troll."

"Why would anyone do that?"

"They thought it would help control him, I guess?" Harry said, embarrassed.

"By making him nearly immune to magic?"

"Well, it probably wasn't a smart someone who did it. Magic doesn't make a lot of sense so far, or maybe that's just my take."

"And being turned into a troll ... made him cheerful and willing to cooperate?"

"No, of course not. He's got a chip on his shoulder bigger than he is."

"Yes, thank God they at least made him a miniature troll."

By that point they had reached Karla's Witch's Coffee Shop. There was an image of Karla on the sign. She was a flawless babe.

"Despite the name and the fact that witches go to it, it's not exclusive to magical customers, so you had best keep your voice down starting now," explained Hermione, "and I will cast a privacy spell once we're seated and have ordered."

Harry wasn't paying much attention. Leaning over the counter, talking to one of the servers, a hottie named "Miss Etoile," was the mega-babe Karla herself, and in particular, her mega-perfect witchy butt.

"Just so you know," said Hermione with a snort, "she has grandsons older than you."

Harry didn't mind experienced girls even if he was looking forward to breaking Mildred in, so he just gave Hermione a stare down his nose and raised his eyebrows.

"Just saying," continued Hermione, "in the witch world you never know what you'll find."

"Well, Jeanette is still quite ... how do England people say it ... fanciable, and she must be as old as Karla. I don't even wanna guess how old Eunice St. Clair must be to look that old."

"But that leads me nicely to the Question Game, Harry dear. What year and day were you born?"

"Uh ... End of July, '71?"

"Interesting ... Ruby ... Leo ... Scorpio ... and, of course, Pig."

"Fine, same question."

"Christmas Day - though Christmas wasn't really a holiday then, we just had a nativity feast if you could afford one ... " began Hermione. "1687."

"You're Three Hundred Years Old?" Harry asked.

"Well, no. I had just done my duty to the witching world and fostered a daughter — her father was the prettiest noble I ever robbed — off on the family of my second in command and gone off exploring ... well, raiding and exploring. I found a crystal cave that looked ideal for hiding loot, and I hoped I would find some to walk off with. I turned a corner ... and suddenly I was many years younger, and the world was a good deal older."

"So you're Miss Cackle's great great grandma?"

"It's five greats, Harry dear."

"Does she know?"

"She suspects heavily. I am, after all, the Founder, hence in that textbook and they still sing songs about me every year. But enough about me, it's your turn. What do you look for in the fair sex?"

"The ..."

"Girls, Harry."

"Oh. Well, good looks, won't make me work too hard, but not too easy. It really helps if they can do strong magic and teach me things, given the ... troll and all."

"For me, regardless of sex, I look for one of two types, Harry. Either someone who can provide me with loot or someone who can help me make others provide me with loot."

"So, to put it a lot simpler ... Loot. Major turn on? I can respect that, who doesn't like loot?"

"Indeed. How are you with a pistol, Harry? A cutlass? Deadly curses?"

"Whoa, why would I want that?"

Hermione tsked. "I see we have a lot of work to do. For now, enjoy your tea and biscuits, Harry."

Fortunately, while her talk was kind of a turn off, while they were talking one of Hermione's feet had migrated up Harry's leg and under the skirt of her uniform. By the time they got back to the Academy, Harry and Hermione went right to Hermione's room. Quickly. Completely ignoring Hermione's schedule. As Harry had always suspected, it turned out it was just as good for girls, whatever they might claim in public.


AN:

Witch's Coffee Shop, Miss Etoile: Karla Rodriguez print 'Witch's Coffee Shop.' In the altered version posted to "deviantart," Miss Etoile is stenciled on the beautiful witch/barista's pointed hat.