Chapter 13~

The house was quiet. Anya and Xander had gone home for the night, Spike had left, and everyone else was asleep. It had been Tuesday when all the chaos had started. The memory spell, the impending departure of both Giles and Tara, and then the time travel fiasco. It was now just after midnight, Wednesday had come and gone in a flurry of relocation, eye opening explanations, and near emotional trauma. Exhaustion had finally taken its toll, even on Buffy and Tara, both whom were in a fitful sleep.

Tara had curled into Willow's still form, the streaks across her face signaling she had fallen asleep crying. Her right arm was draped over Willow's stomach, right leg over right leg, Tara's face in her neck. She hadn't hesitated to take comfort in her love. Despite all that had been revealed, all the issues new and old she had to sort through, Willow still had her heart, and for some unexplainable, insane reason, she still felt safest in her arms. Even after everything that had happened the last few weeks, everything she now knew of Willow's darkness, she couldn't let go of that love. Couldn't begin to reclaim her own heart.

-x-

Once again, everything changed. It was like a movie fading to black, except she never knew where she'd end up, as it wasn't always the same movie. She knew she had to be careful. The discussions, the research, the speculations. While there was no guarantee that either of the two main theories were correct, it still held a serious danger.

The first theory: If she were stuck in her memories, just in her own head, then they would just play over and over, until her body was killed in the real world or until she herself gave up and faded off. The last option would stop her heart in the real world, no action needed. Just death. That was the ending. There was no way of knowing if she could control which memories, how long they kept on, or anything for that matter. So far, if this were the correct theory, she had found no form of control. Nor had she figured out how to 'give up', though during some of these memories, she truly felt like she had.

The Second Theory: Far more dangerous. It was supposedly a spiritual realm, a copy of her own timeline. As her own magic had created this realm during the spell, and her focus had been on the spell and not on the creation of the realm, it was very unstable. Obviously, being only a theory, it was not truly known what would or what could throw the little stability it had off. If it were to be thrown off, it would collapse. In the real world, death. The dangerous part? Her soul.

This spell was created by demonic magics, playing on the premise of demon powers for jumping dimensions. It was worked into a form for jumping timelines by a heartbroken witch, wishing to save her family from a horrible fate.

If Willow's spirit realm were to destabilize, her spirit would be thrown elsewhere. Her very soul would more than likely be thrown into a hell or demon dimension, forever stuck in torment.

While in this realm, she would jump from scene to scene, and no control of when or where. As she was the only wandering spirit, the rest were all shadows made from memories of her life, there would be no danger to anyone else.

This was the main reason why no other spell casters were still alive. Some of the earlier ones died on their own, their family or friends searching for a way to wake up the caster and had no knowledge of why they had died. After the origin of the spell had been discovered, the research, speculations, and theories put forth, people started to end the caster's life themselves. It was hoped that it would stop the repeating memories, and save them from the fate of destabilization. No outside influence to interrupt the realm, no way for it to be damaged. Therefore, the spirit was free to fade off to where it belonged, instead of thrown into an unknown chaos. Even without confirmation of the realm theory, no one wanted to chance the outcome.

Willow had poured over every note made, every possibility, every consequence. She had known what could be in store for her, and in truth, believed she deserved it on some level. Since entering this realm or falling into her own head of memories (she still wasn't sure which one), her worst moments seem to replay on repeat. The bullying she endured as a child and early teen, the loss of all the people she loved, the pain and suffering of her worst mistakes. She had seen herself kiss Xander while she was with Oz, watched all that had transpired after Tara's encounter with Glory, cast the memory spells over and over, wreck the car and hurt Dawn, watched Tara leave, and seen herself become Warren.

She'd forgotten to kiss Tara's picture one day. She'd realized it, and the world felt hollow, before she'd realized a change in her appearance after Dawn had walked in on her crying over the frame. She'd ended up pulling a gun on Dawn who had been trying to help her through Amy's curse. Then, of course, she had also seen Tara's death and her downslide into darkness. This was the memory that hurt the worst, and repeated itself the most.

Now, though, was one of those few times where she didn't feel tortured. Willow had noticed, like some gift of mercy, there were moments. She would get to watch a happy memory. Tara holding her close after getting injured, Tara holding her hand while they just talked in their room all night, Tara telling her stories after a bad day. It seemed as though they went so fast, but they gave her much needed relief, even if she believed she deserved the hell she was mostly stuck in. Currently, she was watching as Tara cuddled into her neck, falling asleep on the dorm roof. She remembered this day. It was a good day, ending with star gazing again.

She saw all of this from an outside view, and was always very careful not to attract attention to herself. It was almost like she didn't exist, a ghost, but there were split seconds, when her shadow or memory would almost sense her. Look over to where she was. It seemed they couldn't quite see her, but felt her presence. This didn't bode well for it being theory one. Specifically, her darker half seemed to have been overly suspicious and aware that there was something… Willow had a feeling that if they were to really catch on to her presence, it would be enough to send everything into chaos if she were, in fact, in her own created realm and not just her head. So she stayed hidden, she watched, and she let go tears of pain and loss.

-x-

Morning came, the house still semi quiet. Faith was snooping through the kitchen for food, when Tara came in. They caught each others eyes, Faith giving a nod, "Hey, T. How's it hangin'?"

"Had better mornings. It seems you're feeling better, Faith," Tara saw her looking through all the cupboards, judging anything with remotely healthy attributes.

Faith seemed to find something worth eating, pulling out a frozen bag of fries from the freezer and smiling, "You know how long it's been since I had fries?? Or pizza? Fuckin' gourmet food to me!" she smirked at Tara before hitting the oven preheat.

Tara lifted an eyebrow, "Fries for breakfast? Not exactly nutritious…"

"Right. D said you were always lookin' out and makin' sure everyone did the healthy thing," Faith's eyes lit up as she remembered something else, "She also said you make killer food. Especially somethin' 'bout pancakes??" Faith hoped her suggestive look might be rewarded with the delicious breakfast treat.

Tara slightly giggled, "Put the fries back for now, and promise you'll eat something green today. Then I can whip some up."

Faith seemed to contemplate this, looking down at the bag, then back at Tara. She decided frozen fries were easy enough to get and make later, and it wouldn't kill her to eat something green but this offer might not be available next time. Plus, there were green gummy bears to be had now they were back so far. She switched the oven back off, and replaced the fries in their spot in the freezer, "Deal, but they better be as damn good as D said."

As Tara started gathering supplies and ingredients, she gave a half smile, having learned from both Willow and Dawn, "Green candy doesn't count. Has to be an actual healthy vegetable." Knowing blue eyes found surprised brown ones.

"Fuck… Fine. Damn good, T. Best be damn good," Faith fixed her with the best fake annoyed look she could muster before rolling her eyes, "I need a shower. Think B has any clothes she'd be willin' to lend?"

"Well, Giles even seems to enjoy them, so I guess that should be a good sign f-for you," Tara stated as she set up the pan on the stove and started mixing ingredients in a bowl, "If Buffy doesn't have any clothes for you, I'm sure one of us d-does."

Faith sat down on a stool, watching Tara, intrigued by the seemingly calm and shy nature the woman gave off. Between the stories and the one time meeting her, Tara was an enigma to her. This bothered Faith, "So, how ya holdin' up, T? I know this shits a lot. Even knowin' there's a chance at wakin' Red, it still can't be a hoot n a half findin' out all this shit. Not to mention it layin' on you to possibly root through her big ass brain to get her. When I first met her, I couldn't follow a damn word she said, she was goin' so fuckin' fast."

"I'm surviving. It's… jarring, to say the least," Tara replied, keeping her eyes directly on her task, trying not to burn anything. This wasn't exactly the conversation she had wanted this early, "It's p-probably worse for you, having lived through everything that you have, seen what you've s-seen." Tara tried to steer the conversation away from herself.

"That don't work with me, T," Faith watched as Tara turned her head only slightly toward her, before going back to the pan, "Didn't work for Red neither."

Tara fleetingly wondered where and how Faith had grown up. While it didn't bother her, nor did she judge Faith, the woman's interesting knowledge and lack of knowledge for the English language made her curious. She realized she didn't know much about the darker Slayer. Just what she'd learned from the rest of them. Her thoughts were interrupted, as Faith, yet again, put the spotlight back on her.

"You scoobies drive me psycho," at Tara's turn and raised eyebrow, Faith rolled her eyes, "I ain't talkin' 'bout my dive into murderville and evil. I can't fuckin' wait till all of you been around Mermaid for awhile. We may not always get along, in fact, we probably fight the most out of our little group, but when she digs into someone's brain, she really makes some sense. I was sayin' you all seem to have this thing where you don't let shit out. Get some anger out, T! Yell, bitch, throw somethin'!"

"You want me to throw a tantrum?" Tara had finally gathered three pancakes on a plate, setting them down in front of Faith, as well as the butter, syrup, and utensils.

Faith dipped her head slightly, the aroma from the plate making her grin and practically drool. She started adding butter before replying, "It ain't a tantrum. It's human fucking nature. You can't just lock everything up inside. I'm not saying lose control or somethin', but you need to let go of some shit once in awhile."

Tara picked up a dish towel, looked at it for a moment, then threw at Faith. It landed perfectly over her eyes just as she was grabbing her fork to dive into her breakfast, "You're r-right. That does feel good." Tara's eyes held a playful glint as Faith sighed loudly, before removing the towel from her face, revealing a scowl.

"Alright, cheeky there, T. You'll pay for that one later. I'm serious, though," Faith said, going back to starting her pancakes. She took a bite, and her eyes immediately lit up, "Damn it all, if D wasn't lyin'! Hell ya! Red's one lucky chick. Look, T, how 'bout when I finish breakfast, we go down and visit B's punchin' bag downstairs? She's still got one, right?"

Her brow furrowed, as Tara thought about herself throwing any kind of punch, "I'm not exactly a fighting champion, Faith. The first time I tried to tell Willow I wasn't so good at the violence thing, she thought I was acting out swimming."

Faith let out a full laugh, she was definitely feeling she was gunna like Tara, "Well, Red wasn't exactly Mike Tyson when I made her learn some defense maneuvers, but we got through it. Seriously, T, you don't even gotta learn how to fight or nothin'. At least not right now. I'll show ya how to throw a proper punch, then you just gotta release some of that pent up anger and frustration."

"Willow learned how to fight?" Tara's face became one of shock and concern, "Like physically fight?" It suddenly occurred to her the reason for some of Willow's physical changes. Willow had lost weight, probably because of what Dawn had explained as her making sure Dawn was fed before herself, but she had also gained muscle tone she hadn't had two days ago.

Faith was on her last bite of breakfast already, having wolfed down the plates contents at an impressive speed, even for Tara's cooking, "It was after the battle we lost everyone. I wasn't lettin' her be the only one without a way to defend her own shit. D learned mostly from B, a few pointers from Giles and I here and there, but Red always counted the mojo as her thing. I said fuck that. She may have been able to avoid the whole death issue if she'd known how to block the knife from Dawn with something other than her own fuckin' chest. Made her work with me for months after she finally healed up enough."

Tara took a moment to remember what Melody had said the night before, and while she had been too exhausted to begin questioning the vampire last night, she intended to get more answers today. However, the woman had also said it would be a good idea to get her anger out, and it was barely seven a.m.

"Ok. Buffy still has a training bag in the basement. I guess I can embarrass myself for your entertainment. At the very l-least it'll give you something to look back at and laugh when things aren't great," Tara said as she grabbed the Slayer's empty plate and began washing it in the sink.

Before Faith could reply, Dawn came semi stumbling in, the pain she was still in obvious, but the look on her face determined, "I smell Tara pancakes!"

Tara had to hold back a giggle as Dawn's hair was everywhere, apparently skipping brushing it in favor of her favorite meal. Instead, Tara gave a look of concern, with a barely hinted smile, "Dawnie, I could have just brought some up to you. Or had Faith help you down here. Y-you're obviously still not feeling well."

"But… pancakes," Dawn gave a full on pout. Tara immediately recognized it, knowing full well where Dawn learned it, tearing up and smiling as she remembered the first time she encountered that pout.

Dawn recognized Tara's face as well, "Oh! And a story?! Pleeeeaaaassse?"

As Faith watched the whole display, her face went from 'seriously?!' to a full blown smirk, "T! She got you wrapped around her fuckin' finger like she does Red! D, you're in your twenties for shit sake."

Dawn ignored Faith, knowing she was winning against Tara's resolve. Finally, Tara turned back around to the counter, and after washing a couple things, she found herself once again going through the steps of making breakfast.

-x-

UC Sunnydale- End of December 1999

Tara was sitting in her chair by the open window, sunlight streaming in. The sounds of the rest of the campus going on down below her. Every now and then, she would glance out, but she was mostly concentrating on the book in her lap. She had wanted to get a start on her reading for her classes for the new semester and was rather excited about Art History in particular. However, she was interrupted by a sudden and unexpected knock on her door.

She furrowed her brow, wondering who would drop by. She hardly knew anyone, had never gotten visitors except for the RA. Slowly, Tara made her way to the door, opening it cautiously at first, until she realized who it was. Blue eyes lit up, a half smile quickly adorned her face, "Willow."

"Hey!" Willow said as bubbly as ever, her hands twisting together in front if her. She'd been nervous, having never been to Tara's dorm before and she hadn't called either, so she hoped she wasn't unwelcome, "Sorry for the whole surprise thing. I just, was thinkin' about you and how we haven't gotten to hang out much or get to know each other. So I looked up your dorm room and just came over. Of course if it's a bad time, or I should have called you can just say so, cause I don't want you thinking I'm stalking you or anything. I just thought, that's how you found me before… oh! Not that I think you're stalking me! No, definitely was a good thing, you coming to see me. I mean, not good 'cause the gentlemen were after you and no one had voices…"

"W-willow?" Tara said a bit loud, intending to stop the babble. While she thought it absolutely adorable, she could swear the redhead started to take on a bit of a blue tint to her face, "I-it's ok. Definitely. Y-you're welcome here a-anytime."

Willow gave a huge grin, her cheeks turning red, "Sorry. I babble. You did good, though. Some people don't stop me until I'm completely out of air and dizzy or I've dug myself into a super embarrassing hole."

"Um, I k-kinda like talking to you. You p-passing out w-would kind of ruin the m-mood," Tara giggled softly, as she finally remembered they were still in the doorway, "Oh. S-sorry. You w-wanna come in?"

The redhead returned her smile, stepping through the doorway as Tara moved to the side to allow her entrance. Willow took in the calming and soft beauty of the single dorm. It definitely seemed to fit the woman, at least from the little she knew about her. Soft fairy lights hung around the room, candles, books, art supplies, and beautiful 'witchy' like décor was spread around the small space.

Tara was nervous, watching for Willow's reaction to her 'very oddly decorated' room as her RA had put it. However, Willow's smile only grew, and her emerald eyes were shining as they turned to meet Tara's sapphire. For a moment, both women were lost, the rest of the world had disappeared. Then the trance ended, as Willow's brow furrowed in confusion, and she shook her head.

"Your room is so cool!" Willow said quickly, once again blushing and smiling, "Not that I'm an expert or anything yet, but it seems very Tara- y."

Tara couldn't help but feel like she was floating on cloud nine. Willow had not only loved her room, but had said 'yet' in reference of getting to know her. She doubted Willow would ever feel anything for her, like she had started feeling for the redhead the moment she saw her walk into the student Café, but this already exceeded her expectations by far, "T-thanks. Y-you know, um, you d-don't have to worry about having c-come here. Y-you're w-welcome anytime. It's n-nice. To have a f-friend." Now if only she could stop stuttering like an idiot before she scared her away.

"You don't have any other friends?" Willow's face formed a look of sadness and concern.

'Great, let her know how much of a loser you are, right out the g-gate', Tara looked away from Willow for a moment, shame coming to her features, 'and now I'm even stuttering in my own head.'

Willow couldn't help but feel drawn to this woman. Her heart clenched at the look Tara wore, "Well, that changes now. You and me. We're gunna go for a walk, and have chocolate-y goodness at the Espresso Pump 'cause they have the best mocha's in Sunnydale. Then, while we sugar up and I turn into a spaz, we'll talk and get to know each other more. Yup! That's what friends do," Willow paused, realizing how she may sound, "If you want to of course. You may not want your first friend to be quite as much of a babbling handful." She bit her lip. The thought of being turned down caused a sinking feeling in Willow, another emotion she didn't quite understand. Deciding to write it off as her own insecurities of being too much of a nerd for a sweet, smart person such as Tara to want to be around.

Tara couldn't help but smile again, hiding her face behind her hair for a moment, "Um, I've n-never had a m-mocha before." She glanced back up, catching the wide eyes of her new crush, "I, um, usually d-drink tea. I d-don't even think I've had c-coffee before. I'd l-love to accompany you th-though." She finished hurriedly, hoping not to lose her chance.

"Never?! No mocha? You're a mocha virgin??" Willow couldn't believe her ears.

Tara blushed bright red, 'Not the only virgin thing about me'. She ducked her head again, shaking it slightly, "Um, I g-guess so."

"You HAVE to try it! I mean, you don't HAVE to, but you should! It's like a chocolate flavored drug full of energy! Except it's legal and not quite as bad as a real drug. That was a bad example. Oh, pleeeeaaaassse, try one?" Willow moved into her patented pout. Even Giles couldn't resist this pout, so she was eager to see if it worked on her new friend.

Tara looked up again, 'Yup. There it goes. Goodbye heart. I knew you well.'

-x-

Tara had finished her story just as Dawn was starting the small stack of pancakes laid in front of her. The biggest smile took up much of her face, "Willow told me that one. She said she was so oblivious. She couldn't believe how oblivious she was."

"Well, I wasn't exactly in a space to believe she liked me back, Dawnie," Tara gave a soft smile.

Faith sat there with a blank look on her face, staring at Tara. On one hand, the story made her want to laugh. Not at Willow and Tara, but because she could literally picture the entire thing. 'Fuckin' wasn't lost on me. Knew Red wasn't completely down for stick.' On the other hand, the story had reminded her of a lot of things. How she'd never had that connection before, how Willow was currently, and possibly forever, in a coma, and how much Tara was continuing to hold in, "Alright, T. You promised. Time for some lettin' go." Faith covered her thoughts with a smirk.

Dawn gave Tara a look of confusion, while Tara put down the dish rag she'd used to clean up some of her mess, "Dawnie, will you be alright for a few minutes? Faith wants me to lose a fight to a giant b-bean bag."

Dawn giggled, realizing what Faith was doing, "I have pancakes. I have TARA pancakes. My world can only get so perfect right now."

"Ok, Faith." Tara sighed, following the dark Slayer to the basement.

-x-

Ariel