Chapter 17: Ted
December 7, 1997 – Sunday
Summers Home
Dawn and Buffy walked along the street with Xander, and Willow towards their house. Xander and Willow were having a heated discussion which the sisters were ignoring as they walked behind them just enjoying the night.
"Well, that was her genius. He didn't even know he was playing second fiddle." Xander turned to the sisters. "Buffy."
"Huh?" Buffy replied as she and Dawn looked toward Xander and Willow.
"Who do you think was the real power – the Captain or Tenille?" Xander questioned.
Buffy and Dawn looked at each other, slightly confused on the topic. "Uh, who are these people?" Buffy asked.
"The Captain and Tenille?" Xander got that look he got when people didn't understand his pop culture references. "Boy, someone was sure raised in a culture-free environment."
Buffy sighed. "Sorry, I was just—"
"– thinking?" Dawn completed.
"No. Not thinking," Buffy informed her sister. "Having a lot of happy non-thoughts."
"Yeah, with Spike and Drusilla out of the way, we've really been riding the mellow…" Xander got a guilty look on his face, "…and I'm really jinxing the hell out of us by saying that."
"Eh, I'll let you off this time," Buffy dismissed his concerns.
"So, we're pretty sure there aren't any more Tarakan assassins coming our way?" Willow wondered.
Buffy shook her head. "Angel's sources say the contract is off." She pulled out her keys as they arrived at the front door of the Summers' home.
"I'm just saying, if Tenille was in charge, she would have had the little captain hat," Willow said returning to the argument.
Buffy put her key into the lock – and the door swung open. She glanced toward Dawn, both of them tensed up. The sisters knew that a door ajar at night was a bad sign. "Wait here," Buffy warned her friends as she and Dawn stepped inside the dark house, stakes in their hands.
"You go through the living room. I will go through the dining room," Buffy instructed her sister. "We'll meet up in the kitchen before heading upstairs to finish clearing the house."
"Okay," Dawn agreed as she turned toward the living room.
As Buffy entered the dining room, she heard her mom's cry of "No!" come from the kitchen followed by a crash. She and Dawn rushed into the kitchen at the same time, and saw a horrific sight. Their mom was wrapped in a deep kiss with a big, slightly portly man neither sister had ever seen before. There was a bottle of wine on the counter.
They broke the kiss. Joyce stepped away from the man as Buffy and Dawn hid their stakes behind their backs.
"Dawn and I thought we heard…" Buffy started.
"I broke a wine glass," Joyce explained. "You two are home early."
"Hi," the man said.
"Hi," Buffy and Dawn replied.
"Oh, uh, this is my son, Rutherford and my daughter, Dawn," Joyce hastily introduced her children. "And Rutherford, Dawn, this is… Ted."
0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0
Buffy leaned against the refrigerator; her arms wrapped around Dawn protectively as they talked with their mom.
"So, all these late nights at the gallery, I gather you were cataloguing more than art," Buffy stated.
Joyce smiled as she dumped the broken wine glass into the trash. "Well…I've been looking for the right moment to introduce the two of you to Ted. He's a wonderful man." She glanced at Ted with obvious affection in her eyes.
Neither sister returned their mother's smile. "How'd you meet?" Dawn wondered.
"Oh, he sells computer software," Joyce informed her children. "He revamped my entire system at the gallery. Freed up a lot of my free time."
"To meet new people," Buffy said. "And smooch them in our kitchen."
"You two weren't supposed to see that," Joyce admitted.
Buffy considered the irony of the situation. She had been carrying on a relationship with Angel for months now, all without her mother knowing. She always worried that her mother would eventually find out about her and Angel, especially given Joyce's reaction when she had told her mother that she was bisexual. But apparently, Joyce had been carrying on with Ted for a while, all without Buffy or Dawn knowing. And of the two hidden boyfriends, it had been Ted who had been found out about first, not Angel.
"How long have you been seeing each other?" Buffy asked.
"Oh…" Joyce looked up as she tried to remember "…about two months."
0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0
Xander devoured a mini-pizza as Ted pulled more from the oven and put them in a pan. "I like my new nine-gig hard drive…" Willow admitted.
"But you don't love it, cause without the DMA upgrades your computer's really only half a rocket ship," Ted informed her.
"Yeah. But who can afford the upgrades?" Willow wondered.
"You can," Ted answered as he smiled at Willow. "I get the demos for free. I don't see why I shouldn't give them to you for the same price." He pulled out his card and handed it to her. "Any friend of Rutherford and Dawn's…" Willow's eyes lit up and she let out a high squeaking sound in joy. "What?"
"That's the sound she makes when she's speechless with geeker joy," Xander said, talking with his mouth full. "Can I just say this is the finest pizza ever on God's green earth. What's your secret?"
Ted turned back to the pan, taking it off the stove and bringing it over to the island. He dumped the pizzas onto a plate. "After you bake it you fry it in herbs and olive oil. And you got to use a cast iron skillet. No room for compromise there."
"You got to market these," Xander suggested excitedly. "I mean people would pay like two, three hundred dollars apiece."
Ted smiled as he dished two more pizzas up and carried them over to the sisters and Joyce. "Hungry?" he said offering them to Buffy and Dawn.
"No thanks," the sisters replied.
Ted set the plate down as he looked pointedly at the sisters. "Rutherford…Dawn," he started. "I want to apologize. That wasn't how I wanted the three of us to meet. I wanted it to be…perfect. I'm very fond of your mother, I guess that's pretty obvious…" He looked at the refrigerator, focusing on a picture of the sisters and their mom. "…I know that you two are the most important things in her life and, well, gosh, that makes you both pretty important to me too."
"I really want you both to be okay with this," Joyce added.
"I beg to differ." Ted wrapped his arm around Joyce. "We really want you both to be okay with this."
"We're okay," Buffy insisted.
"You both are?" Joyce asked.
"We are," Buffy said glancing at her sister. "Right, Dawn?"
"Right, Rutherford," Dawn agreed.
Park
A vampire smashed into a picnic table as Buffy didn't let up her assault. Picking up a trash can lid, she whacked him hard in the head. There was no method to her attack, just pure fury.
The vampire wasn't actually putting up that much of a fight as Giles and Dawn watched from where they sat on a bench. Giles was obvious concerned about the level of Buffy's furor. "Uh, Buffy…I believe he's…ahh…it's staking time, really. Don't you think?"
Buffy raised her stake and drove it into the vampire's chest and he exploded into dust. She straightened up, breathing hard. "Any more?" she asked looking around.
"Well, for their sakes, I certainly hope not," Giles admitted.
"What? She kills vampires. It's her job, and potentially mine should something happen to Kendra," Dawn reminded him.
"True, though she doesn't usually beat them to such a bloody pulp beforehand." Giles said as Buffy sat down beside Dawn. "Is everything all right at home?"
"Everything's fine," Dawn informed him, though he could tell nothing was fine.
"I killed one here Wednesday," Buffy said as she continued to look around. "Why are they hanging at the park?"
"They're scattered, you know," Giles informed the sisters. "Their leaders are gone and with any luck dead. In times of crisis they will always return to the easiest feeding grounds."
"Vamps are creeps," Dawn said grouchily.
"Yes," Giles agreed, "that's why one slays them."
"People are perfectly happy, getting along, then vampires come in and they run around and they kill people and they take over your whole house and they make these stupid little pizzas and everyone's like 'ooh, wow'..." Buffy babbled angrily.
"Are you two sure there's nothing you wish to share with me?" Giles asked.
"Mom has a new boyfriend," Dawn admitted. "If not for Buffy making the excuse of taking me to the movies…"
"Ah," Giles said in understanding. "Maybe we should call it a night then."
December 8, 1997 – Monday
Sunnydale High School
"Xander, if you say one more word about it, things will become dire," Buffy warned as she, Xander and Willow headed for the student lounge.
"Did you or Dawn even bother to taste 'em?" Xander asked. He had been geeking out over the mini pizzas that Ted had made. "No. Well I did and I'm here to tell you, those mini pizzas have changed my life. Ted is the master chef."
"So? He's a great cook," Buffy said sarcastically. "What does that tell you about a person?"
"Everything," Xander informed her.
"You don't like him," Willow observed. Like Xander, she had been geeking out as well. But she was geeking out over the upgrades Ted had promised her.
"Dawn and I don't know him." Buffy scowled. "I mean, so far all Dawn and I see is someone who apparently has a good job, seems nice and polite, our mom really likes him…"
"What kind of a monster is he?" Xander said dramatically.
Buffy glared at Xander before continuing. "I'm telling you, there's just something a little too clean about this clown."
"He's a clean clown!" Willow squealed, clearly amused. At their looks: "I have my own fun…"
"Buff, you and Dawn are lacking evidence," Xander returned to a more serious tone. "I think we're getting into Sigmund Freud territory."
"He has a point," Willow jumped on this new track. "Separation anxiety, the mother figure being taken away, conflict with the father figure…"
"He is not mine or Dawn's father figure!" Buffy fired back. In truth, Willow knew that Giles was much more of a father figure to Buffy than Ted—or even her actual father, who had shunned her since the divorce.
"Having issues much?" Xander replied.
"I am not!"
Xander pointed and did a little dance: "You're having parental issues; you're having parental issues…" He stopped after seeing their looks. "What? Freud would have said the exact same thing. Except he might not have done that little dance."
Buffy stopped to get a drink from the soda machine. "I admit it's weird—for me and Dawn. Seeing our mother Frenching a guy is definitely a ticket to therapyland. But it's more than that. I'm pretty good at sensing what's going on around me…"
Willow noticed Ted out of the corner of her eye, coming up behind Buffy.
"…and I know that something's wrong with this Ted."
"Ted!" Xander called.
"Of course, Ted. Who did you think I was talking about?" Buffy was confused.
"Hi, Ted! Ted who's here," Xander pointed out.
Buffy spun around, shocked to see her mother's boyfriend at her school.
"Hi, kids!" Ted greeted them.
"What are you doing here?" Buffy asked.
"I'm updating the software in the guidance office, which reminds me…" Ted pulled a disc out of his shirt and handed it to Willow, "…your upgrades."
"Ooh, what a day!" Willow said excitedly. "Thank you."
"Think nothing of it," Ted informed the redhead. He then turned his attention toward Buffy. "Rutherford, you like miniature golf?"
"Who doesn't?" Xander cut in before Buffy could answer.
"Your mother and I were thinking, maybe this Saturday we could drag the three of you and Dawn out to the course?" Ted informed them. "Spend some time swinging the iron with the stuffy old people?"
"Well, I guess…" Buffy started.
"I'm making a picnic basic…" Ted cut in.
"Mini-pizzas?" Xander asked hopeful.
"And cookies," Ted added with a smile.
"You know, I wish Dawn and I could but Saturday we, Xander and Willow have that thing," Buffy informed Ted, immediately put off the idea of doing anything with Ted.
"Oh, that thing," Willow said as she looked toward Xander. "That thing."
"Hey, we can do that thing anytime," Xander told his friends. "I'm tired of that thing. We're on!"
Ted smiled.
Angel's Apartment
"So Mom's like, 'Do you think Ted will like this' and, 'That's Ted's favorite show,' and 'Ted's teaching me computers' and 'Ted said the funniest thing,' and both Dawn and I are like, 'That's great, Mom'. And then she said we were being sarcastic, which we were, but I'm sorry if Dawn and I don't want to talk about Ted all the time," Buffy informed her boyfriend.
"So, you'll be talking about something else at some point?" Angel questioned.
Buffy sighed. "I'm sorry," she apologized. "It's just, I have so much to deal with, I don't need some new guy in my life right now."
"No, but maybe your mom does," Angel countered.
Buffy looked a little sheepish. "Oh, sure, if you're going to use wisdom…" she said mock-sullenly.
Angel smiled at her. "Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is."
Buffy sighed. "Okay, fine, Mom needs a guy. Does it have to be Ted?"
"Do you or Dawn have somebody else in mind?" Angel questioned. "There a guy out there who would satisfy you both?"
Buffy looked down and sighed. She knew Dawn's answer, their dad. But since he had practically disowned her, she didn't see that happening as long as she was in her mom's life. "Fine, fine, I'll give Ted a chance. I'll smile and curtsey and be the dutiful daughter pretending to be the dutiful son." She smirked. "Does it mean I have to like him?"
"Kiss me," Angel replied.
"Finally, something I want to do." Buffy leaned over, and the best part of any encounter between the two began.
December 13, 1997 – Saturday
Sunnydale Miniature Golf Course
"The dreaded five-par cuckoo clock," Xander spoke with dramatic flair as he took his shot. "So many have come. So, few have conquered."
"That picnic was delicious," Joyce admitted. "You know how rare it is to find a man who cooks?"
"I know I've been looking a long time for one," Ted answered as Joyce laughed. He winked at the sisters who forced themselves to smile. He then chose that moment to ask one of those perfectly normal questions that Buffy couldn't answer truthfully. "So, Rutherford, I'm sure girls are lined up around the block trying to get a date with you."
"Not really," she answered. Buffy had been on enough dates with Angel at the Bronze that most of the school knew she was not single. There was plenty of gossip about who Angel was, none of it even close to the truth.
Willow tried to cover as she took her shot. "Oh, they are, but he's only interested in…uh…his studies. Book-cracker Rutherford, it's kind of his nickname."
"Glad to hear that," Ted said as Dawn took her shot. "I bet that means your grades will be picking up soon."
"My grades?" Buffy moved next to her mother. "How does he know about my grades?"
"I told him. He wants to know all about you and Dawn. He's concerned, that's a good thing." Joyce said as Ted took his shot. "Nice shot, Ted!"
"Thanks, Joycee," Ted replied. Joyce lined up her shot. He moved behind her and held her arms. "Steady swing, lead to the right," he instructed as the took the shot together. "Perfect," he commented.
"Thanks to you," Joyce told Ted who chuckled.
Buffy lined up her shot next.
"Eye on the ball… watch those elbows…" Ted instructed.
Buffy applied a little too much Slayer strength (which might have been an advantage in regular golf), and sent her ball into the bushes.
"Bad luck, young man," Ted commented.
"We won't count it," Joyce shook her head.
"We won't?" Ted looked at Joyce.
"Well, it's just miniature golf."
A serious expression came across Ted's face. "It is, but the rules are the rules. What we teach Rutherford and Dawn is what they take out into the world when we're not there, whether it's at school or an unchaperoned party…" He smiled at the sisters. "I don't mean to overstep my bounds; this is between the two of you and your mother. I just think right is right."
Buffy and Dawn looked at their mother for support.
"He has a point…" Joyce said.
Not what either sister wanted to hear. "Yah, I'll just go hit from the rough." Buffy disappeared into the bushes and retrieved her ball.
"Buffy?" Dawn whispered as she came up beside her sister. "He's getting weirder all the time."
"I know," Buffy agreed as she looked around. She did not see anyone but her and Dawn, so she dropped the ball near the hole and kicked it in. "Hey, how 'bout that, I got a hole in two!" she called back over her shoulder.
"Beg to differ," Ted said from right next to her.
Buffy and Dawn wondered how he get that close without them noticing?
"Okay, so fine my score or whatever…" Buffy tried the 'total admission of guilt' method.
"I think you're missing the point here," Ted informed the sisters. "Right is right. Wrong is wrong. Why don't people see that?"
"It's just a game," Dawn countered.
"Right. It's just a game. Do your own thing," Ted continued as he stepped closer to them, his golf club hitting his leg hard and fast. "Well I'm not wired that way. I'm here to tell you it is not a game, it does count, and I don't stand for that kind of malarkey in my house."
"Then I guess it's a good thing Dawn and I don't live in your house," Buffy retorted.
"Do you want me to slap that smartass mouth of yours?"
The sisters' adrenaline spiked and the both of them gripped their golf clubs tighter. If he laid a hand on either of them, they both intended to defend each other and show him the error of his ways.
As Joyce, Willow, and Xander came into view, Ted instantly reverted to his friendly self. "Who's up for dessert? I made chocolate chip cookies." He pulled out a big baggie full of cookies.
"Yum, me!" Xander said happily.
"Cookies," Willow said excitedly.
"I made too many, so you guys are going to have to take some home…" Ted informed them.
Buffy and Dawn took a step back, watching as the people they cared for most gather innocently around Ted for cookies.
"Oh, you have to try one of these, Rutherford, Dawn, they're really good," Joyce informed her children.
December 15, 1997 – Monday
Summers Home
Joyce was humming to herself when Buffy and Dawn came down the stairs. "Good morning," she greeted her children. "I've got juice, I've got sticky buns. Don't they smell good?"
"Hi," Buffy and Dawn said as they both took a bun.
"Ted made them."
The sisters glanced at each other and immediately replaced the sticky buns.
"What?" Joyce put her hands on her hips.
"I think Dawn agrees that we'd just like to eat something around here that Ted didn't make," Buffy informed her mother as Dawn nodded.
"What kind of an attitude is that?" Joyce questioned.
"Mom, we know you think he's great and all but—" Buffy started.
Joyce didn't even let her eldest finish the sentence. She was frustrated with how her children were acting toward her boyfriend. "He's gone out of his way to be nice to the both of you, and neither of you could find two words to say to him on Saturday. Now I don't expect either of you to love him right away like I do, but I do expect you to treat him decently."
Dawn pounced on her mother's choice of words. "You…love him?"
Oops. "I don't know, that kind of slipped out…" Joyce admitted, "…but I guess…it's not exactly like men beat down the door when you're a…"
"…single parent," Buffy and Dawn finished.
Joyce composed herself before continuing. "I would never have anything to do with anyone who didn't care about the two of you. But he does, I don't understand why you both can't see that."
"He threatened me," Buffy deadpanned.
"What? Ted would never do such a thing."
"He said he was going to slap my face," Buffy explained.
Joyce looked at her children, concerned, then she smiled. "He never said any such thing."
"He did," Dawn countered coming to Buffy's defense.
"Ted told me what happened," Joyce continued ignoring Dawn's outburst. "He caught you cheating, didn't he, Rutherford?"
Buffy got a guilty expression on her face. "Yes, I kicked my ball in, so put me in jail, but he wigged—"
"And he didn't say anything about it in front of the others, did he?" Joyce questioned.
"No, but –" Buffy stammered.
"I think that was pretty decent of him." Joyce began eating pieces of the sticky bun, swallowing before continuing. "Ted says we're just going to have to give you both time to come around. Speaking of which, he's making dinner for us tonight, so come straight home after your done with Dawn's self-defense lessons. And be here promptly at six." She smiled at her children as she motioned toward the sticky buns. "These are so delicious."
Buffy was quiet for a minute. "Mom, there's something I need to tell you."
Uh-oh. "What is it?"
"You remember Angel?" Buffy asked.
"Angel…" Joyce tried to remember. "Uh, the college boy who was tutoring you in history?"
"Right. Well, he's…and I'm…We've been dating for the past three months."
"Oh," Joyce said as she took time to think about that. "And, you kept this from me because…"
"Do you remember your reaction, when I told you I was bi?" Buffy questioned.
"Yes," Joyce admitted with a sigh. "And I am sorry for that Rutherford. It just came as a shock."
"Well, I wasn't sure you'd approve," Buffy explained. "Because of that and the fact he is older than me."
"Too old, if you ask my opinion," Joyce replied. "Why are you telling me now?"
"Fairness?" Buffy replied. "Dawn and I walked in on you making out with your boyfriend, it's time I told you about mine."
"Well, can he come to dinner tonight?" Joyce asked. It would be easier to deal with this with Ted there.
"Sure," Buffy agreed.
Sunnydale High School
"What do you mean, check him out?" Willow asked as and Xander were eating cookies.
"I mean, investigate him," Buffy informed her friends from where she sat beside Willow. "Find out his secrets. You can do it, Will. Hack into his…Life."
"Can you say, 'over-reaction'?" Xander asked.
"Can you say, 'sucking chest wound'?" Buffy countered.
"Buffy, it just seems like you want him to be corrupt or something," Willow informed her.
"The man lost his sense over mini golf," Buffy reminded her friends.
"So, he's uptight. Last I heard, that wasn't a slaying offense," Xander said as Buffy gave him a pointed look. "Don't give me the look. I'm on your side. I'm just saying there are some things you have to accept."
"And I'm saying Ted isn't one of 'em," Buffy stated as Cordelia walked by.
"Hey, Cordy. Nice outfit," Xander told the cheerleader.
Cordelia stopped and looked at him. "Oh, very funny."
"Not really…" Xander said obviously confused.
"What are you saying?" she queried.
"Uh, 'nice outfit'?"
"Why don't you just keep your mouth shut?" Cordelia snapped before walking off in a huff.
"Will you guys excuse me for a moment?" Xander said said still obviously confused. He got up and went after Cordelia.
Willow watched Xander with furrowed brow. "What's up with them?" she wondered.
"Willow, I'm not wrong here. Ted has a problem with me and Dawn," Buffy informed her friend. "He acts like we're in the way. And Mom's totally different since he's been around."
"Different like happy?" Willow wondered.
"Like Stepford," Buffy explained. "Will you help me?"
"You know I will. What do you want me to look for?" Willow asked.
"Let's start small," Buffy said. "Where does he work?"
Lorrin Software
Buffy looked around at the office, that held rows of separated by dividers and full of sales people. She saw Ted sitting at a desk on the phone.
"No Mrs. Lawndale, it's not an inexpensive piece of software. As a matter of fact, it's a very expensive one. Which removes the risk of crashing your whole system. Of course, if you prefer something cheap, I can recommend…" he smiled, "…trust me, you won't be sorry." He hung up the phone.
Buffy moved out of sight as Ted stood up and walked over to a large sales tote board. He made a checkmark next to his name.
"Going to lunch," he said to no one in particular. Then he headed out of the office.
Buffy peered around the corner and watched him go.
"You're new, aren't you?"
Buffy spun startled by the voice and found a man getting a cup of water nearby. "Oh, uh…" she started.
"I'm Neal," Neal said introducing himself.
"Everyone calls me Buffy," Buffy answered. Giving her preferred name would draw less suspicion should Ted find out she might have been there than giving her deadname. "Kind of long story. Anyways I'm just temping for the day." She nodded toward the tote board. "That guy's a salesman. Guess he's the one to beat around here."
"Nobody beats the machine," Neal admitted as he looked over at the tote board. "The guy's a genius. Pure salesman. Knows everything about computers, never loses a client, never yells at the annoying clients…not that I do…"
"I guess he's been doing this for a while," Buffy said, fishing for details.
"He was here way before me—and he'll be here long after I'm gone," Neal said bitterly. "If I sound bitter, I am."
Buffy smiled. "Nobody likes an overachiever. Well, maybe he's got ex-wives and family to support?" she wondered.
Neal shook his head as he glanced over toward Ted's desk. "All he's got is a girlfriend. I'm amazed he let her clutter up his desk." Buffy followed his gaze and saw the picture on the desk. "Thank god he's taking off for the wedding."
"The wedding?" Buffy said evenly.
Neal nodded as he looked back at Buffy. "He's got it set for two months from now. Believe me, I'm counting the days." He frowned when saw his boss coming. "Uh oh, the uber-boss, back to the salt mines." He walked back to his desk.
Buffy slowly made her way over to Ted's desk. After looking around, she casually pivoted the picture so she could see it. She frowned. The picture was just like the one her mother kept in the kitchen, but framed differently. It showed only her mother but neither her or Dawn.
Buffy picked up the frame and opened it. As she pulled out the photo she saw that it was folded in half. As she unfolded it she saw herself and Dawn. She could make only one deduction, Ted had obviously stolen the picture. There was no reason why her mother would give Ted a picture of the three of them and let him frame it this way.
Summers Home
"Hi, Mom," Buffy greeted her mother, relieving Angel of the obligation to make the first statement. As she and Dawn hurried home for dinner, they had swung by Angel's apartment and explained the situation.
"Uh, can I come in, Mrs. Summers?" Angel asked.
"Oh, yes," Joyce replied hesitantly. "May I take your jacket?"
"Thank you," Angel removed his jacket and handed it to Joyce, who placed it on a coat hook near the door. He sized up Ted. The man was as tall as Angel, though somewhat wider. He wore a collared shirt and nice pants, probably the same clothes he wore at work. He wasn't afraid, but he did smell…off. Angel couldn't place it, but something was wrong about him. "Nice to see you again, Mrs. Summers," he said turning his attention back to her.
"Ted Buchanan," Ted extended his hand.
"Angel," Angel shook it. They had decided to use as much of Angel's actual life as possible in creating his fake background. The name change was part of it.
"Rutherford's told us absolutely nothing about you," Ted stated.
"Well, I hope I can rectify that tonight," Angel replied.
"Wasn't that the point of having Rutherford bring Angel over for dinner?" Dawn asked.
"Well," Joyce said after a significant pause, "dinner is on the table."
0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0
They all sat at the dining room table. Angel, Dawn and Buffy sat on one side, Joyce and Ted on the other. "…we ask that you bless this home and help those in it to be more productive, more considerate and…" Ted said as he made eye contact with first Buffy, Dawn and finally Angel. "…more honest. Amen."
"Amen," Joyce echoed.
Angel was quick to start on his chicken – he had assured both Buffy and Dawn that he could eat solid food, it simply didn't do him any good.
After a few bites, Joyce asked the inevitable question: "So, how did you two meet?"
"At the Bronze," Buffy answered. "We started talking, he mentioned he was a history major, so I asked him if he could help me with my studies."
"You're at U.C, Sunnydale?" Ted asked.
"Was," Angel corrected. "I graduated last spring."
"Very nice," Joyce seemed to approve of that. "And what do you do now?"
"Tutor kids in history. Sort of like Rutherford, only they pay me."
"So, you're from around here?" Joyce inquired.
"Hardly." Angel smiled. "I was actually born in Galway, Ireland."
"Ireland?" Both Joyce and Ted were surprised by that.
"I moved to New York when I was 10. I'm an American citizen now."
"Well, why come all the way out to Sunnydale for college?" Joyce pressed.
"Long story."
"Well, you'll have to tell us sometime," Joyce smiled. Angel was relieved that he wouldn't have to cover that particular lie tonight.
"I have to ask," Ted took over the inquiries, "what kind of a name is 'Angel'? I'm guessing you weren't born with it."
"No," Angel shook his head. "I was born Liam O'Reilly. Thing is, I never really liked that name. A girl I met once said I had a face like an angel, so I changed my name to Angel."
"Interesting," Ted said.
"I like it," Buffy put in. "And you do have a face like an angel." She took Angel's hand, and they just gazed at each other for about a minute. Angel meant every moment of it, but it was also important to show how much he cared about Buffy. Nothing would win Joyce over more than obvious signs that he cared about Buffy.
The rest of the dinner went well. The topic of conversation shifted away from Angel and onto Ted and then Buffy.
"How was school, Rutherford? Dawn? Did ya' learn anything?" Ted asked the sisters.
"Quite a bit," Buffy answered as Dawn nodded.
"Good for you," Ted said. He looked at Angel as he motioned toward the food. "What do you you think?" he asked.
"It is very well done," Angel said. "I've always believed every man should know how to cook." He looked at Buffy. "Don't you agree, Rutherford?"
"Yes," Buffy answered.
As everyone finished up, Joyce turned to Buffy and Dawn. "Rutherford…Dawn, can you two help me clear the table?"
Angel got up out of his seat. "I'll help you, Mrs. Summers."
Somehow, Joyce wasn't entirely surprised. She smiled at Angel as he collected plates and brought them into the kitchen. Joyce followed. As she began washing, she turned to Angel. "Angel –"
He cut her off. "You want to know why I'm dating someone Rutherford's age."
"Actually, I was going to ask you to pass the soap, but an explanation will do."
Angel handed over the dishwashing soap, then began explaining. "I wasn't looking to date someone his age. But after a few tutoring sessions with him, I realized I couldn't stop thinking about him. One night—the night after you and I first met, actually—I started babbling, and I just told him that I wanted to kiss him."
Joyce's eyebrows went up. "And?"
"And then he leaned in, and we kissed."
"Oh."
"I'm in love with your son, Mrs. Summers. He's the most important thing in the world to me. And I want you to understand that."
Joyce nodded. "I will be frank," she admitted. "The age difference between the two of you does concern me. But given Rutherford's sexual orientation. At least he has someone who understands what it's like to be like him and to live in our world."
0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0
"It was very nice meeting you." Ted shook Angel's hand.
"We'll have to do this again sometime," Angel replied.
"Maybe you can come over for Rutherford's birthday next month?" Joyce suggested.
"Absolutely," Buffy agreed. "Mom, would it be okay if I walked Angel to his car?"
"Sure," Joyce said.
Streets of Sunnydale
"Well, I think that went pretty well," Buffy said as they walked down the sidewalk.
"I think the obviously-being-in-love helped my case," Angel replied. "Are you going to patrol tonight?"
"I was thinking of doing a sweep over in the park," Buffy said. "Want to meet me there?"
Summers Home
Buffy sat with Dawn in the living room across from Joyce and Ted. "Are you guys engaged?" she asked.
"What?" Joyce asked in surprise. "Goodness, no, what gave you that idea?"
"Now Joycee, let me handle this," Ted cut in. He looked pointedly at the sisters. "Your mother and I are taking things one step at a time, but if things go the way I hope someday soon I just might ask her to tie the knot. How would you two feels about that?
Buffy and Dawn looked at each other and then at Ted and Joyce, not really wanted to answer.
"It's okay to have your feelings. And it's okay to express them," Ted informed them.
"Like I am about to throw up," Dawn said. "Mom, can I go to bed. I'm not feeling good."
"Of course, honey," Joyce agreed as Dawn stood and hurried upstairs.
"What about you, Rutherford?" Ted said looking at Buffy.
"I'd feel like killing myself," Buffy admitted.
"Rutherford!" Joyce said shocked.
"No, no, I told him to be honest," Ted informed Joyce before turning his attention back to Buffy. "Son, you should try and get used to me because you know what? I'm not going anywhere."
"Can I go to my room?" Buffy asked.
"Yes," Joyce said a tad bit angrier than she intended.
Park
Buffy sat on a swing, looking into the night. Vampires...Here, vampires..." she called.
"Is that how you attract vampires?"
Buffy spun and smiled as she saw Angel walking toward her. "I was bored, you're the only vamp I've seen tonight. So, what did you think of Ted?"
"I'm not entirely sure that he's human," Angel admitted.
"What?"
"I'm not entirely sure that he's human," he repeated. "He didn't smell quite right."
"You think he's a demon?"
"I don't know. But I think you need to be on your guard around him," Angel informed his girlfriend.
Summers Home
Buffy slipped in through her bedroom window. Because of how dark it was in the room it took her a moment to realize that Ted was leaning against her vanity. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"You asked to go to your room," Ted informed her. "Your mother agreed, Rutherford. I think we both know she wouldn't agree with you climbing out your window and go gallivanting about town."
"First of all, this is my room," Buffy reminded him. "Second of all—" She stopped when she saw her vanity drawers were open and that her stakes and holy water out, along with her journal were out lying on top of the vanity next to to Ted. "—have you been going through my things?"
"Yes, I have," Ted said as he smiled at her.
"How dare you," she snapped at him angrily. That's my personal property. How dare you!"
"I don't see how it's any different than you snooping around my office," Ted said and Buffy's eyes widened as she realized he must have seen her in his office. "Do you?" He picked up her journal and flipped through it. "What exactly is a Vampire Slayer? And what is transgender?"
Buffy frowned. "That's none of your business," she told him in no uncertain words.
"Beg to differ, young man," Ted countered. "Everything you and Dawn both do is nothing but my business from now on."
"You better get out of here. Now," Buffy ordered as she motioned toward the door.
Ted moved close to her, invading her personal space. "Or what. You'll "slay" me? I'm real, I'm not some goblin you made up in your diary. The psychiatrists have a word for this kind of thing…" he motioned toward her journal that was still in his hand, "…delusional."
"Buffy?" Ted and Buffy turned and saw Dawn standing in the doorway.
"Come in, Dawn," Ted said as he smirked. "You can join the conversation. I was just about to tell your bother that he's going to do what I say when I say or I show this his journal to your mother."
"You can't," Dawn countered as she made to grab Buffy's journal.
Ted reeled back and slapped Dawn sending her to the floor her hand to her face where he had hit her. "And, Dawn, there are things your brother has written about you in here. That if I showed them to your mother could get you both spending your best dating years behind the walls of a mental institution. Your mother and I are going to be happy. You two are not getting in the way of that. Sleep tight." He turned to leave the room with her journal.
Buffy grabbed his arm stopping him. "That's mine and you're not leaving this room with it."
"Take your hand off me," he ordered.
"No," Buffy countered. He suddenly slapped her face in the same spot he had hit Dawn. "I already owed you for hitting my sister. Now you just made it worse for yourself." She threw a punch and hit him with as much of her Slayer strength as she could muster.
He came for her, fast and vicious. He swung at her hitting her hard stunning her. He grabbed her by the hair dragging her toward the door. She kneed him in the groin just as Joyce appeared in the hallway.
"Rutherford!" Joyce cried. "Stop it!"
"He hit Dawn," Buffy informed her mother. "He also hit me. You really want me to stop?"
Joyce looked toward Dawn and saw her on the floor with her hand to her face. "Dawn?" she said as she hurried to her youngest.
"He hit me, mom," Dawn said as Joyce moved her hand from her face and saw the bruise forming from where Ted had hit her.
Buffy spun into a roundhouse and kicked him in the head sending him flying out the door. He bounced off the wall and lost his footing tumbling head over heels down the stairs. He landed at the bottom with a sharp and nasty THUNK.
Buffy stood at the top of the stairs, breathing hard as Joyce raced downstairs and knelt next to Ted to check his pulse.
There is none.
Joyce looked up at Buffy. "You…you killed him."
"I was only trying to protect Dawn," Buffy informed her mother. "I didn't mean to kill him."
0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0
Buffy sat on the porch; her arm wrapped around Dawn as Joyce watched as Ted's body was carried out by two morgue attendants.
"Ma'am, I'm Detective Stein…" Stein said as he approached Joyce. "I'm sorry but I need to ask you a few things…Your relationship with the deceased?
"We were…um, seeing each other," Joyce admitted.
"Can you tell me what happened?" he asked.
"He fell," Joyce told him after a moment of hesitation. "Down the stairs. He fell."
"I see. Did he slip, do you know what made him fall?" he questioned as he wrote down the details in his notebook.
"I hit him," Buffy answered as Dawn, Joyce and Stein looked at her. "I hit him."
Sunnydale Police Station
"He was in my room…" Buffy said quietly from where she sat across from Stein, "…we got into an argument..."
"About what?" Stein asked, his tone intimate and comforting.
"He…um, he'd been—" Buffy said trying to organize her thoughts.
"Was this the first time you two had had an argument?" Stein interjected.
Buffy shook her head. "No. He threatened me. He said he would slap me…" she admitted. "My sister Dawn was there when he said it…"
"That was tonight?" he asked.
"No..." Buffy said. "That was on Saturday. "But he had my journal and then Dawn came into the room. He slapped her before trying to leave with my journal. I tried to take it back and…and then he hit me."
"Where?" Stein asked as Buffy pointed to her cheek. "It doesn't look like he hit you very hard."
Buffy stared at him for a moment. "I don't bruise easily. But he hit me in about the same spot as Dawn."
"I saw the bruise on her," Stein admitted. "So have you've been hit before?"
"Yes…" Buffy answered.
"But Ted never hit you," Stein interjected.
"I told you, he—" Buffy started.
"—Before tonight," Stein cut in. "Never hit you before tonight."
"What do you want?" Buffy asked, more confused than angry. "I told you what happened. I didn't mean to…"
"I believe you," Stein told her. "You were protecting your sister and trying to get your property back. Things got out of hand. He's a big guy."
0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0
"Are you charging him with something?" Joyce asked looking at Stein who was leaning on his desk.
"We're not bringing anything up against your son right now," he informed her. "Given that your daughter has a bruise and the fact your son claims he hit him as well. It's looking like it could very well have been self-defense. And if that's the case…anyway we're going to examine it further. Right now, I think you should just take your children home and the three of you try to get some rest."
Streets of Sunnydale
"Rutherford?" Dawn said as Joyce was driving them home.
Buffy looked at her sister. "Yeah, Dawnie."
"Are you going to…" Dawn asked afraid of the answer.
"I don't know," Buffy admitted before looking at her mother. "I didn't mean to…"
"I know, Rutherford," Joyce said with a sigh. "You were looking out for your sister. As much as I feel I should be mad at you for this, I can't because of that. Am I unhappy because even accidentally you took a human life? Yes. But you protected your sister, that's the important thing."
December 16, 1997 – Tuesday
Sunnydale High School
Buffy walked down the hall passing several girls who were gossiping. The girls grew quiet as she passed. She then passed two teachers who stared at her unabashedly. She turned and walked into the student lounge.
"Buffy! Are you okay?" Buffy asked as he and Willow grabbed her and pulled her to the side away from any curious listeners.
"How come you're here?" Willow asked.
"Mom's not happy with me," Buffy admitted as they sat at one of the tables. "She's okay with me defending Dawn. But she is not happy that I took a human life. I don't blame her."
"What happened?" Willow asked. "Unless you don't want to talk about it…"
"I came back from a patrol to find him in my room. He found my stakes, holy water and my journal," Buffy explained. "Dawn came in, I guess she startled him as he hit her."
"He hit Dawn," Xander said in surprise.
"He was about to leave with my journal when I grabbed his arm. I demanded my journal back and then he hit me. Between the fact he hit Dawn, he had my journal and then hit me. I lost my temper, really let him have it."
"The papers said he fell," Willow said remembering the story.
"He fell. Hard," Buffy answered.
"Well, what was he?" Xander questioned as Buffy looked at him confused on the question. "What was he? Demon? Giant bug? Some kind of dark god with the secrets of nouvelle cuisine? I mean, we are talking creature feature here, right?" Buffy just looked down not answering. "Oh, man…" he said in realization.
"But I'm sure it wasn't your fault," Willow said looking at her friend. "He started it!"
"That depends on what the cops find in their investigation, Will," Buffy admitted. "Whether or not they can rule it as self-defense."
"So, you could be charged with something?" Xander questioned.
"Maybe," Buffy said sadly. "They haven't yet. But…He was a guy. He was a weird, sleazy guy but he was a person and I killed him."
"Don't say that," Willow told her.
"Why not? Everyone else is," Buffy said waving her hand at everyone else gathered in the lounge who had been whispering about her. "And it's the truth."
"You were defending Dawn," Xander reminded her.
"Defending Dawn is one thing. But I'm the Slayer. I had no right to hit him like that."
"Look, I don't know what happened exactly, but I know you," Xander informed her. "You would never hurt anyone intentionally. You know, unless—"
"Unless what?" Buffy cut in. "They're dating my Mom? The hit Dawn?" She stood up. "I'm sorry, guys, I got to be alone for a while. I'll, um, I'll just…" She turned and walked off without her finishing what she was to say.
0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0
Buffy walked slowly down the hall as Giles emerged from the Assistant Principal's office. He saw her and approached her, stopping her some 15 feet from the office. "Buffy. Are you all right?" he asked. "Stupid question. I'm sorry. Anything you need, of course, just ask."
Buffy saw the Assistant Principal, a large, stern woman, step out of the office and signal a waiting teacher to come in. "What's going on?" she asked.
Giles followed her gaze and sighed. "You needn't worry about it. They were just asking questions—your record, your behavior…"
"Trying to determine if it was self-defense," Buffy admitted as she saw a teacher shaking hands with Stein, who motioned for her to sit down just as the Assistant Principal closed the door.
"Of course, I told them you were—" Giles started. He stopped as he watched Buffy take off, unable to deal.
0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0
Giles walked from the book cage and dropped a bag of weapons on the table in front of Willow who sat at the computer, firing it up.
"Man, this is killing me!" Xander said as he paced. "That bastard was up to something. I know it. If I could get my hands on him…earlier this week…"
"I thought you liked him," Cordelia reminded him from where she stood next to Willow.
"I sometimes like things that are not good for me," Xander said pointedly. "Besides, no way no how does Buffy put the big hurt on an innocent man. Nice Uncle Ted was dirty."
"We got to prove that somehow," Willow reminded him. "Xander, you got a pen?"
Xander walked over to his backpack and reached in. "If Buffy has to go to jail because of that creep, I'm going to lose it. He's got to be in there, Will. History of domestic violence, criminal record…ooh, cookies," he said as he pulled out a bag of Ted's cookies and a pen. He handed Willow the pen.
"I don't get it," Cordelia said. "Buffy's the Slayer, shouldn't she have…"
"A license to kill?" Xander cut in as he took a bite out of a cookie.
"Well, not for fun, but…I mean she's like this Superman," Cordelia said looking at everyone. "Shouldn't there be different rules for her?"
"Sure," Willow said sarcastically, "in a fascist society."
"Right!" Cordelia said with a smile. "Why can't we have one of those?"
"Whatever the authorities are planning for her can't be much worse than what she's doing to herself," Giles informed them. "She took a human life. The guilt…it's pretty hard to bear and it won't go away soon." He walked back to the book cage.
"So, Giles, you're taking over tonight?" Xander asked as he took another bite of the cookie.
"Buffy's in no shape to patrol," Giles admitted as he closed the book cage. "The least I can do is pick up the slack. Someone has to."
"Giles, you shouldn't go out there without the Slayer," Willow reminded him.
"Until Buffy regains her equilibrium or Kendra dies and Dawn is potentially called," Giles countered sadly. "I'm afraid there is no Slayer in Sunnydale."
"If you need help…" Cordelia started.
"Buffy needs your help more than I," Giles said as he returned to the bag of weapons. "Continue investigating. Find out some more about Mr. Buchanan, if you can." He shouldered the bag and started for the doors.
"Be careful," Willow pleaded.
"I will," Giles informed them as he walked out the door.
"Are you sure it's a good idea for him to go out?" Cordelia asked looking at Willow.
Willow didn't answer as she stared at the computer screen. "Ted's got no criminal record I can find," she admitted. Damn! The guy's like, citizen of the year!"
"Don't sweat it. Everything'll be fine," Xander informed her a little chipper.
"Don't sweat it?" Willow asked with a raised eyebrow.
Xander smiled as he ruffled Willow's hair. "Yeah, cute buddy, we'll work it out. No worries."
"What happened to…" Cordelia said as she narrowed her eyes. "This is killing me?"
"Worrying isn't going to solve any problems," Xander informed her.
Willow and Cordelia looked at each other, confused by the radical change in Xander's attitude. Willow looked at Xander as he put yet another cookie in his mouth. She reached up and broke off half.
Summers Home
Dawn was helping Joyce in the kitchen packing up old pots and kitchenware into a cardboard box.
"Can I help?" Buffy asked as she entered tentatively.
"It's done. I've been meaning to clean out this junk for months," Joyce admitted. Do you have…homework?"
"I didn't mean to hurt him," Buffy said softly.
"I know, Rutherford," Joyce said looking at her son. "You were protecting Dawn. And while I am not mad at you, it still doesn't change the fact that you killed a man, even if it was in self-defense. For that I am not happy at what happened, but I am not mad." She turned and took the box and walked through the basement door.
"It'll be alright, Buffy," Dawn said sadly.
Sunnydale High School
Willow was in full chemist mode; she slid a slide into a microscope and looked through then lens to try and identify the ingredients of the cookie. "Okay…" she started.
"What do we know?" Xander questioned.
"Apparently, the secret ingredient is not love," Willow informed him.
"What is it, then?" he wondered.
"I'm not positive, but I think it's Dematorin," she explained as she looked up at her friend. "It's like a tranquilizer, keeps you all mellow and compliant. And it shares a few components with ecstasy."
"This is evidence," Xander said excitedly. "This is real evidence that Ted was some kind of crook. Buffy's cleared! Willow, you're the best human ever. I adore you." She gave him a skeptical look. "That's the cookies talking, but you rock."
"Your search finally hit pay dirt," Cordelia said as she walked in holding a sheet of paper. "Got some personal records, marriage certificates, and an address."
"Let's check it out. Get our Slayer back on her feet before somebody else gets hurt," Xander informed them.
Summers Home
Buffy leaned on the edge of her dresser, looking at nothing in particular. "Dawnie? Mom?" she called out as she that she heard something, she received no reply from either her sister or her mother. Instead Ted walked through the door. She backed up looking at Ted confused and horrified. "You…you died…"
"That's right, young man," Ted agreed. "You killed me! Do we have something to say about that? Are we sorry?"
"What are you?" Buffy asked as suspicion crept into her gaze.
"I'm a salesman!" he answered with a smirk. "That's what you should have remembered. No matter how you put him down—" he backhanded her so hard she flew halfway across the room slamming into a wall, "—a good salesman always bounces back."
He came at her and she kicked him hard. He staggered back and she came at him with a series of blows that would cripple a normal man. He smiled as he grabbed Buffy by the throat. "I had to shut down for a little while to get you off my back. You should have seen the intern's face when I got up off the table. It was a hoot. Fun's over, though." He tightened his grip as he started to choke her.
"Let her go!"
Ted turned at the sound of the new voice and found Dawn standing there a nail file in her hand. She thrust it forward and stabbed him in the forearm that held Buffy. He backed off, grabbing his arm.
Buffy collapsed to the floor gasping as Dawn raced to her side. They both looked up to see that what was leaking from where Dawn had stabbed Ted was not blood but motor oil. And from within him, they could make out something sparking.
"That wasn't playing fair, missy," Ted informed Dawn. "You're going to find—" Suddenly there was the sound of something shorting out as his snapped to the right, a giant smile plastered on his face. "Hell of a day! Day like this makes you feel 18 again!" His head then snapped back as he looked at the sisters. "—that I don't like being disobeyed."
Buffy looked up at her sister who stood protectively between her and Ted. She then looked at Ted. "How do you like…being hurt…?" she asked him.
He advanced on the sisters with pure murder in his eyes. He stopped suddenly when the three of them heard the sound of a door closing downstairs. He turned back to the sisters and in rapid succession punched both of them knocking them unconscious. "Don't worry about me and your mom. We're going to be very happy," he informed them as he left the room. He shut the door behind him and locked it.
Abandoned Machine Shop
Willow and Cordelia followed Xander into the dusty unused room. They instantly saw computer and machine parts lying all over the place. "Let's look around," Xander instructed them.
"I'll take the back," Cordelia offered as she headed for the rear of the shop.
"Check for cookies," Xander instructed as Willow and Xander looked at him with raised eyebrows. "For evidence," he told them.
"I count four marriage certificates," Willow said returning her attention the paperwork in her hands.
"Any divorce papers?" Xander wondered.
Willow shook her head. "Not a one."
"So, either our boy was a Mormon, or…" he started.
"Whoa," Willow said coming across the oldest marriage certificate. "1957. Ted must have married young. Like preschool young."
"Nothing interesting," Cordelia said as she returned. "It doesn't look like anybody worked here, let alone lived here."
"Something's missing," Xander stated thinking about the man they had met. "This doesn't seem like Ted at all."
"And that rug totally doesn't go with the rest of the décor," Cordelia added looking at the rug on the floor.
Xander and Willow glanced at each other and then at the rug. Xander went and pulled up the corner of the rug to reveal a trapdoor.
Summers Home
Joyce stood in the kitchen as she heard footsteps behind her. "Rutherford? Dawn?" She turned and found Ted standing in the doorway leading to the dining room. She stumbled back in shock as her eyes went wide.
"Joyce…" Ted said.
"Ted?" Joyce asked hesitantly. "Is it really…but you were…"
"I'm okay. I'm okay…" He informed her as he walked over and pulled her into his arms.
She let him hold her for a moment before breaking free. "I don't understand this," she admitted as she looked at him. "You were dead."
"They said I must have been dead for six minutes," Ted explained as he smiled at her. "They said any longer and there would have been brain damage."
"Why didn't anyone tell us?" Joyce wondered.
Ted shrugged. "Nobody knew! They took me to the morgue and I was unconscious for almost a day! An intern found me. It's a miracle, Joyce. A miracle."
"Oh, Ted…" Joyce said with a sigh.
"I know…" he informed her.
"Oh my god, Rutherford…Ted, I swear he never meant to hurt you," Joyce informed him. "He was only looking out for Dawn. You have to believe me."
"You don't have to worry about Rutherford or Dawn," Ted told her with a sickly-sweet smile. "You don't have to worry about anything. Daddy's here."
Abandoned Machine Shop
Xander led Willow and Cordelia down the concrete steps underneath the trapdoor. What they found at the bottom of the steps was a time capsule - a perfect kitschy 50's home. In the background they heard music from the 50's playing.
"Feels just like home, if it's the 50's and you're a psycho," Cordelia said as they looked around.
Xander spotted a closet door behind a chest of drawers. "Whatdya got in the closet, Ted?" he asked as he moved the chest and opened the door. Inside he found four skeletons. He slammed the door shut and headed for the steps out of the basement. "Let's go."
We need evidence—" Cordelia reminded him.
"We got it," Xander informed her.
"What's in there?" Willow asked looking toward the closet door.
"His first four wives," Xander answered as Willow and Cordelia looked at each other with wide eyes.
Summers Home
"You know what brought me back, Joyce?" Ted questioned. "It was you. I couldn't go into that light—I had to come back for you. I'm going to make you so happy…"
"You should sit down…" Joyce informed him thinking he might be hurting.
"I feel fine. Never better," Ted informed her with a smirk.
"Ted, I think I should talk to Rutherford and Dawn first, before they see you," Joyce insisted. "Dawn said you hit her and Rutherford was just trying to protect her. When they see you, Rutherford will want to—"
"Do we have to worry about Rutherford and Dawn right now?" Ted said a little stringent. "How about worrying about Teddy, he's the one that died."
"I'm sorry, I'm just…I don't know what to do," she admitted hesitantly.
Ted smiled as he took her hands in his. "Don't I always tell you what to do?" he asked softly. "I'm going to make this right, and then you and I—"
Joyce suddenly heard the sound of something parking as Ted's head whipped to the side.
"—want a little gravy with that?—" His head whipped back as he returned his attention back to Joyce as if nothing had happened. "—can go away where no one will bother us again."
Joyce looked at Ted starting to feel weirded out by the situation she found herself in. "Ted, I think you might want to rest for a while…"
"I think you might want to stop telling me what to do," he ordered. "I don't take orders from women. I'm not wired that way."
0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0
As Buffy began to stir, she let out a soft moan before coughing.
"Buffy?" Dawn said as Buffy looked up at her. She let out a sigh of relief. "I was beginning to worry."
"Sorry," Buffy croaked out.
"I tried the door," Dawn admitted. "I think Ted locked us in here. And I don't think he's human."
"Neither do I," Buffy agreed.
0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0
Joyce walked the dining room, pretending nothing was wrong as Ted followed behind her. "I think I could use a drink," she told him. "To celebrate."
"We should probably be hitting the road," Ted informed her.
"Hitting the road?" she questioned as her brow knitted in confusion and fear.
"You're going to love the house," he said. "It's furnished just the way you like it. I spent a lot of—" Joyce heard the sound of sparking again and Ted's head snapped to the side again. "—telling me what to do!" And again he looked back at her a second later as if nothing had happened. "—time decorating."
They heard a noise coming from upstairs as Buffy and Dawn put their shoulders to the locked door trying to force it open.
"Well, then, I'd probably better pack," Joyce informed him, hoping to distract him from her children.
"I already have your clothes," Ted informed her. "They're your size, they're always your size. You left me once but I keep bringing you back. Husband and wife is forever. Forever."
0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0
The lock flew off the door as it was forced open and Dawn helped her sister out of the room and toward the stairs. "What are we going to do?" Dawn asked.
"We have to protect mom," Buffy answered. "When we get downstairs, you stay with mom and protect her while I deal with Ted."
0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0
"Let's go," Ted said as he grabbed Joyce.
"Ted, please, let go!" Joyce cried as she tried to break free of his grasp. "Get OFF ME!" She finally managed to throw him off her.
Ted frowned at Joyce and slammed her into wall, knocking her unconscious. "Fine, then. I'll have to carry you," he said as he heard a creak of the floorboards coming from the direction of the foyer. He walked to the doorway and looked around, finding no one there. He moved quietly down the hall into the kitchen before turning back to the dining room. "Come out, Rutherford…Dawn. I don't stand for this kind of malarkey in my house." He found Dawn standing behind him and Joyce.
"Good thing we aren't in your house," Dawn said as she glared at him.
Behind him Buffy stepped out of the shadows carrying large cast iron skillet. "Uncle Teddy…" she said and he turned to face. She hit him homeruns style. He flew back and landed hard on the floor. "This house is ours."
Ted sat back up and the sisters saw that his face was ripped revealing his robotic innards. He stood as they registered the creepiness of his face.
"Rutherford…Dawn," he said as he sparked badly, his voice low and mechanical. "How about a nice game or Parcheesi?" he asked as Buffy brought the skilled down and took him out. He fell hard again, and this time he did not move.
"I think we should do something to make sure he doesn't get back up again," Dawn said.
"I think your right," Buffy agreed.
December 17, 1997 – Wednesday
Sunnydale High School
"So, I'm Ted the sickly loser, I'm dying and my wife dumps me," Xander said as Buffy led him, Cordelia and Willow toward the library. "I build a better Ted. He brings her back. She dies in his little love bunker and so he keeps bringing her back over and over. That's creepy on a level I hardly knew existed."
"And the sad thing is, the real Ted must have been a genius," Willow admitted. "There were design features in that robot that predate-"
"Willow. Tell me you didn't keep any parts," Buffy said with a look.
"Not any big ones…" Willow admitted guiltily.
"Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!" Buffy sighed, not that she could truly blame her friend.
"I just want to learn stuff," Willow defended herself.
"Like how to build your own serial killer?" Cordelia asked.
"Well, it's hard to rent one nowadays," Willow replied with a chuckle.
"Can't we just drop the subject?" the cheerleader begged.
"Absolutely," Buffy agreed. "The whole incident is just something I plan to forget. I want to pick up right where we left off—" She opened the door to find Giles and Ms. Calendar in the midst of a make-out session. "That's it. I give up. Do I have to sound an air horn every time I enter a room." She stormed off, her friend in tow.
Summers Home
That evening Joyce sat with her children shelling peas on the front porch. "You two want to rent a movie tonight?" she asked.
"That'd be fun," Buffy agreed as Dawn nodded.
"Just nothing with horror in it," Joyce said listing off the things she didn't want to watch. "Or romance. Or men."
"Sound like we're Thelma and Louising it again," Dawn said with a chuckle.
"Good call," Joyce told her youngest. "I still think he's going to jump out at me. Especially after what the police found in his house, it's too horrible…"
"He's not coming back, Mom," Dawn said as she smiled at her mother.
"I wish I could be so sure," Joyce admitted with a shiver.
"Trust me and Dawn when I say he's on the scrap heap," Buffy informed her mother, "…of life."
