All familiar characters belong to Janet. The rest and mistakes are mine.
Mary Lou's front door flew open before Ranger and I got the car doors closed on his Cayenne. "I have a bone to pick with the two of you!" She called out the screen door she's now holding open for us.
"Should we run?" I whispered to Batman.
"No. Retreating isn't my style … and she's liable to shoot us in the back if we attempt one."
"Alright." I took a deep breath. "Just so you know, I love you … in case we don't make it out of here alive. I'm familiar with that tone. She's really upset."
We were close enough now to see that my best friend's eyes had narrowed to slits. "Stop with that love crap. That's what got me into this mess in the first place."
She stepped aside to let us inside. "What mess? And what bone?" I asked as Ranger pulled out chairs so we could all sit down at her kitchen table. "I hope you meant a T-bone. Ranger and I skipped lunch after our apprehension just so we could get here faster. What's going on?"
She was gripping the corner of the table hard enough for her knuckles to turn white. "You guys got me pregnant!" She yelled, leading me to believe Lenny has the boys somewhere safe … I mean somewhere else.
My guy showed support by trying to hide his grin. I was sympathetic, but not enough to take the blame for this one.
"Uh, Mare, thanks for giving us so much credit, but I'm fairly certain we had nothing to do with your current condition. Are you sure you are pregnant?"
She pushed back from the table, and I was suddenly scared of the type of exhibit she was about to produce. She opened the cabinet under her sink and dug around in her recycling bin.
"Um," I said to Ranger, "you can't recycle something you've peed on, right?"
I prefer her past pregnancy announcements that included band-themed onesies, baby sunglasses, and the news that I was a godparent, over a positive pee stick. Okay, maybe the godparent one made me really queasy too.
"She's getting the boxes, Babe. Not the actual physical evidence."
"Five tests," Mare was back saying, dropping the packaging of each one on the table. "I took five friggin' tests and I ended up with two pluses, one double line, and two 'pregnant' readings. I'm freaking pregnant and it's your fault!"
She directed that accusation at Ranger this time, and I felt I had to come to his defense. "Mary Lou, you've been here before, a couple times. If anyone's to blame, maybe you should be looking in Lenny's direction."
"He," she jabbed her thumb at Ranger, the first time she hadn't appeared worried about making the Ranger Manoso mad, "gave us a trip of a lifetime."
"Yes, he did. I feel comfortable speaking for him here … neither one of us thought we'd have to give you and Lenny the birds and the bees talk once you landed on the island. Ranger likely has super-sperm, yet my uterus continues to echo. I would've thought you'd have similar ways of preventing this outcome."
"It was that place, it did something to us. And Lenny looks really good in swim trunks," she argued, but it and she were already losing steam.
Yuck. "If you say so," I muttered.
Despite what she says, she loves being a mom. This may have come as somewhat of a surprise, but she's going to love her little vacation baby as much as the rest of her brood.
"Maybe you were feeling a little sad because your kids are gone all day at school, so you weren't as careful as you could've been?" I suggested.
She sighed. "Maybe. I was thinking back to our wedding when you and Ranger got married and was excited for what was coming for you guys."
I formed an X with my two index fingers. "Don't put that hex on me. Ranger and I are still working out a work schedule. We don't need to add a baby to the mix right now."
"Unless you want one," my hubby told me.
"Do you want one?" I countered.
"Can't say I'm not curious what a mini you would be like, but we have time."
Wow. The man who once told me a condom would come in handy but not a ring, not only put a ring on my finger but isn't opposed to having a baby with me. I started to feel exactly like Mary Lou had when we first arrived. Maybe we have A LOT of time before we discuss Julie-siblings.
"We need to focus on getting Mary Lou through this right now," I reasoned. "We can't start anything new."
His eyes sparked with something he wanted to say but would hold onto until we were alone.
"I'm okay," Mare said, breaking the stare I had going with Batman. "Sorry about that. I freak out every time until I've had a few minutes to think about how much I love having a baby in the house."
That makes one of us.
"Is that why Lenny and the boys have gone AWOL?" I asked her.
She shook her head. "No. They all went bowling with Lenny's Dad. I'll tell him and then the kids when they get back."
"Wait, you broke the news to me and Ranger before you told your baby daddy?"
She looked embarrassed more than panicked now. "I thought maybe you could undo the damage somehow, or maybe I just needed to rant to someone who'd understand while it sank in. I thought I was done picking out baby clothes."
"Stephanie and I will help you any way we can," Ranger told my BFF.
"You'll babysit the boys tonight so I can tell Lenny without an audience?"
"No," he stated.
'I love you', I mouthed to him. We really are perfect for each other.
"Fine. It's not like I can get any more pregnant," she said to herself while she stood to meet whoever just pulled into her driveway.
I was guessing the Stankovic men had returned until I saw Mary Lou's back go rigid and her fierce Mama Bear mask take over her face. "I'll be right back. Don't move," she instructed us.
I've never listened to authority figures and Ranger doesn't take orders from anyone, so we both stood up to see what literally got her back up. Mary Lou was blocking the way to the house, but we could clearly see the front end of my mother's Buick.
Mary Lou's voice drifted through the screen door to reach us. "I'm sorry to be rude, Mrs. Plum, but you drove here for nothing. Stephanie, Ranger, and I are busy talking babies and don't have the time or the energy for anything else."
