Chapter 35

Love has always been hard. Historically, I mean, for everyone.

But especially for the unfortunate souls like me and Edward, who grow up in impoverished, drug addled families.

I was twelve years old when my mom left. I told Edward that story when he came over on Thanksgiving night. It was the first time I'd ever told it, actually.

Before that, life was alright. In retrospect, I can see that my mother was always a drug addict, but it wasn't so obvious to a little kid. The drugs didn't make her mean, like they did now. They made her more present, more fun and more exciting. Truth me told, I don't know if Charlie used with her. He was so enamored by her, so deeply in love and up her ass that my relationship with him suffered for it. I never really knew him at all.

Mom took me with her to do some crazy shit. Charlie tagged along a lot when he wasn't working, but it was when I was alone with her that we really got into trouble. She's the person who taught me how to fight and steal. She taught me not to trust anyone but myself.

It was a good thing she did, otherwise I would have trusted her.

My grandpa got me into playing the piano, but it was Mom who continued to support it. Like I said, Dad really didn't give too much of a shit about me at the time. He'd agree with what mom said, because he always did, but he didn't seem to form any real opinion of me until she left us.

When she came in with that strange man, high as a kite and ready to pawn my piano, I think Charlie broke. It was the first time he's ever defended me, ever seemed to care at all about what was best for me, and I think it was because he was suddenly split it two; the half that loved Renee too much to cope, and the half that was betrayed by her. Suddenly, I was all he had left to love. All he had left to make him whole, and so he came to my rescue that day. He tried to save me.

Mom taught me that I did not need to be saved.

But when that strange man's fist accidentally collided with my face - when his ring hit the bone under my eye and split my skin open - Charlie did save me. He kicked Renee out forever, he picked me up and he put me back together again.

My perception of love was so totally-fucking-screwed by the time I reached my teenage years, I wasn't sure that I was capable of it.

Until I met Edward Masen.

-.-.-

"I don't think I've ever loved anyone besides Alice and my Mom." He told me, because I asked.

I exhaled, keeping my eyes glued to the beer in front of me. I took Edward to the bar my mom used to take me to when she wanted to get fucked up. I knew if they didn't give a shit about ten year olds trying a martini, they weren't gonna ID a few high schoolers.

"Do you think you could?" I asked, and I was scared of the answer, because I was sure I already knew what it was.

"I don't know."

Growing up in an impoverished, drug addled family will do that to you. I understood that better than anything else.

What I didn't understand was the gnawing feeling under my skin, the urge to be closer to him. I wanted to crawl inside of him. I wanted him to eat me alive.

The feeling kept building and building inside of me, making my skin feel like it was on fire and like I had to run to put it out. So, I did what my mom taught me to do. I channeled it into thievery, climbing across the bar and stealing a bottle of tequila and sprinting through the streets of Chicago with Edward on my tail.

-.-.-

Love is fucking hard.

How could I explain that to them, though? They all did it successfully.

I was in an office with Carlisle, Esme, Alice, Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie. The room was divided in two; one side of people who hated me, one side with people who were defending me.

I don't like to be defended.

"I didn't bring you in here to place blame." Carlisle spoke from the middle of the room, scolding those who were yelling back and forth. I wasn't one of them. In fact, I didn't say a word, because I had nothing to say and because I lost my voice from screaming. "I just thought it would be easier to say this once, instead of to each of you individually."

"We're listening, Uncle Carlisle." Alice said, glaring daggers at her lover across the room. She stood next to me, hand in mine and squeezing.

"Edward will be kept in a coma until his doctors and I deem it unnecessary. After that, he's going to need a lot of support. We won't know the full extent of his injuries until he wakes, but there was significant damage to his spinal cord."

"So, what, he'll be a fucking cripple?" Emmett asked.

Carlisle put his hand up. "Now, I didn't say that. I have reason to believe that he will be able to walk again, but it will take some serious physical therapy. He has a long road of recover ahead of him."

"This is fucking bullshit." Jasper groaned. "He doesn't deserve this shit, you know that?"

"Jasper, shut up!" Alice cried.

"He's my best friend, Alice!" He yelled back at her.

"He's my brother!"

"Kids, please!" Carlisle exclaimed, raising his voice for the first time. "Do you think he'd be happy to hear all of this fighting? I don't. We need to stick together so we can help him recover. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"Of course, Dr. Cullen." Rosalie said, grabbing my other hand.

"You're such a suck up, Rosie." Emmett rolled his eyes from across the room.

Carlisle ignored them. "That being said, I think its time everyone heads home. Visiting hours are about to be over, and you've all gotten to see him. He will be here tomorrow."

Carlisle pulled me to the side after everyone left the room.

"Go home, Bella. I promise you, I will call you if anything happens. You won't miss a thing, okay?"

"Why are you being so nice to me?" I had to whisper because my throat was so fucking raw.

"Because I understand where you come from, and because my nephew loves you."

"I love him, too."

He reached put, placing a gentle hand on my head and stroking my hair. "I know, sweetheart."

Charlie was power washing the back patio when I got home. I ran to him, pulling the hose from his hands.

"What are you doing?!" I tried to yell, but it just came out in squeaks.

Charlie looked at me like I'd gone insane. It was probably true, but I didn't appreciate the look. "The cops just left. They said I could clean the place up."

"I don't want you to clean it up, Dad!"

"Bella…"

Unbelievably, more tears sprang to my eyes. Charlie sighed.

"Here," he reached over, closing the tap to stop the flow of water. "It needs to be cleaned, Bella. Whenever you're ready, just turn this knob, okay?"

I nodded, staring at the now-diluted puddle of Edward's blood. Dad leaned in to kiss my head, then went inside to leave me alone with this piece of Edward I couldn't bear to erase.

I don't know how long I was sitting in my place on the ground, exactly where Edward fell the night before. Maybe it really was a very long time. Sometimes, I reached out, touching his blood with my fingers. Sometimes I just looked at it. I knew what I was doing was weird and wrong, but I couldn't help it; I needed any part of him I could get.

"Hey, Bella." It was Carlisle's voice that broke me from my trance.

I looked up, shocked to see him. "Carlisle?"

He smiled softly down at me before folding himself onto the ground on the other side of the blood. "Your father called me."

"Oh," I said, looking back down and into the red mess. "I forgot you guys knew each other."

"We went to high school together. We were pretty good friends back in the day."

I nodded, remembering.

"You can imagine how frightening this must be for him, I'm sure." Carlisle went on.

I nodded again.

"He doesn't know how he's supposed to help you through this. I'm not a therapist, either, but at least we can relate to each other in this instance." I looked back at him, and he smiled again. "We both love Edward, right?"

"I-It's just…" I took a deep breath. "It's just that this is a part of him, you know? How can I get rid of it if it's a part of him?"

"This puddle of blood isn't him, Bella. He's not here. He's right where you left him, with new blood pumping through his veins."

I knew that. It didn't change how I felt, looking down at this image of violence against my love, but I knew it was true. I nodded again.

"Do you want me to help you clean it up?"

"No," I sniffed, slowly rising from my stiff position on the floor. "No, I got it, Carlisle."

Carlisle smiled again, reaching out to squeeze my shoulder. "I know you're a strong girl. You must be, to deal with my nephew." I tried to give a small smile in return, but I don't know if it worked. "He's a tough kid with a tough shell to break through. You must be tougher, if you did it."

-.-.-

"Edward is such an asshole."

I was at the skatepark with Alice, Jasper and Emmett. I busted my ass twice already, trying to do tricks with Jasper's board, so now I was just sitting on a bench with Alice and letting the boys be boys.

"What makes you say that?" I asked, taking a hit of the joint I was smoking at passing it over. Alice took a too-big hit and started choking. I waited impatiently for her to spit it out.

Well, I tried to seem patient, at least. I didn't want to give off the impression that I was literally dying to hear what she had to say about her brother. That kind of energy screams 'I'm obsessed.'

Maybe I was, but she didn't have to know that.

"He just is." She finally said. "I tried to get him to come with us, but he just told me to fuck off." She pouted, making me laugh. "Seriously, Bella! I don't know what his damn problem is!"

"I think Edward is just really different from you." I told her. "You're an optimist. He's…not."

"Well, I wish he would try a little harder to be one." She grumbled.

I shrugged. "Maybe he's just a realist, you know? Not really a pessimist, but…"

"Bella," she interrupted. "He is most definitely a pessimist."

I laughed again. "He is a broody little bastard, isn't he?"

Alice giggled, two little dimples forming in her cheeks, just like her brother. "Yeah, he is. I don't know what you see in him."

Everything, I wanted to say, but I didn't. Instead, I just laughed and nudged my friend, secretly dying for my boy to come and ease this insufferable craving for his presence.

-.-.-

"Bella?" Charlie's voice was soft as he cracked open my bedroom door. I was pretending to sleep, but I guess it didn't fool him. "Alice is at the door."

I trudged down the stairs, still wearing the leggings and sweatshirt Esme had loaned me the day earlier. I was overdue for another shower for sure, but couldn't find a fraction of the will to care.

Alice smiled sadly when I invited her inside.

"How are you holding up?" She asked, sounding exhausted. I shared the feeling.

"I don't know." I told her with all honestly, sitting down on the couch. She sat down next to me, taking my hand in hers. "I don't know why you're being so nice to me." I continued.

Alice squeezed my hand. "Because I love you, Bella. Duh."

"But…"

She used her free hand to cover my mouth. That was something Edward did, too, when I started to berate myself. I felt my face crumble. "I don't wanna hear it. Anyone who has anything bad to say about you doesn't know my brother at all."

"Alice…" I sighed her name. "I shouldn't have come back to Chicago."

"How can you say that?"

"Its true."

"It is most definitely not true, Isabella Swan. I guess you don't know, because you weren't here, but my Edward was a shell of a person while you were gone. You brought him back to life."

I laughed humorlessly. "Oh, sure. And look at him now."

"You didn't shoot him, Bella."

"I should have left Jake, then!" I squeaked out. "But you have no idea, Alice… you have no idea how much I love your fucking brother, a-and-" I had to gasp for air, suddenly on the verge of hyperventilating as I made this confession. "I love him so much that it hurts, and he told me he didn't know if he could love anyone, and you don't know what I was like when I was gone, either, Alice!"

How could I have more tears to cry?

"He was all I thought about everyday. I missed him so, so much, but he didn't love me back and what was I supposed to do? Let him eat me whole?" I knew I was rambling, but I couldn't stop this sudden onslaught of hysteria. "I should have let him. And then I came back, and I thought Jacob would distract me, but I should have known better. The second I saw his face I knew I fucked up, but what was I supposed to do?!"

"Oh god, Bella," Alice's arms suddenly flew around me. She pulled me tightly against her, hugging me against her chest as I cried. "Edward may be an idiot who can't always understand his emotions, but I've always known that he loved you."

"I-I didn't," I sobbed into her. "I really didn't, Alice."

She leaned down and kissed the top of my head. "He's gonna be okay, Bella. My uncle wouldn't lie about that."

I lifted my face from her chest to look at her. "How are you being so brave about this?"

Alice smiled, this time genuinely. "Because I know my brother's gonna be fine. He'll do everything he needs to do to be okay for you, Bella."

"For me?" I asked. She giggled.

"You really have no idea how much he loves you, huh?" Alice stood from the couch, reaching for my hand to hoist me up, too. "I guess you'll just have to wait 'til he wakes up so he can tell you himself."