Chapter Eleven: Fear

Kaoru looked pensive. The dissonance between the Jin-e she met and the Jin-e who Chisa said he was at one point was troublesome. She thought about Kenshin and the things he may have said or done when he was living as Battosai that would cause that same feeling for others. Her mind started to wander away from Jin-e for a moment, for which she was grateful.

Sano said what Kenshin, Kaoru, and Yahiko were all thinking. "So what the hell happened?"

Chisa made a face that was hard to read. It was a blend of amusement and very mild irritation. "It was a number of factors I believe, but I will get to that. At that age, he had anger boiling just below the surface. Part of that is being an adolescent boy; he was always ready to fight and his swordsmanship just made him more competitive. As I mentioned, they were pushing him to keep up with much older students. And while I don't know exactly when, I believe around this time his teacher began to try to work with him to utilize shin-no-ippo, with the understanding that it was a way to save oneself in a pinch rather than use it to simply have total control over the lives and deaths of others. He was sworn to say nothing about it or risk expulsion from the school."

"So when did the change become more obvious? He was a hitokiri when he was in the Shinsengumi, which was common knowledge about Kurogasa." Kenshin added.

"The first time I was truly scared of him was when we were around seventeen years old." Chisa's eyes wandered a bit and she shifted uncomfortably. "Overall, being involved in the Nikaido Heiho school was good for him. They did not allow him to become involved in street scraps; this showed a lack of self-control, was a waste of energy, and put him at greater risk for injury that would impact his practice."

"Makes sense. No fun to hold back from those scraps though." Sano shrugged.

"His time was mostly devoted to his studies and occasionally spending time with Chutaro. I had begun to feel…different…when I was with him, even with my brother there. I, of course, knew what this was, but my mother did too. I began etiquette classes and continued tutoring. Many times, my studies occurred at the same time as Jin-e's visits. I hated this. Even without him, I was not interested so much in boring classes that were simply preparing me to become a proper housewife to a wealthy husband." She shook her head, as if disagreeing with her mother from across time.

"Father didn't disapprove of me spending time with the boys. He wanted me to be tough and to be able to stand up for myself when my wealthy husband wasn't around. He had more concern about Chutaro needing to be defended than me I think." She chuckled.

"So get to the good parts! You said this wasn't a love story!" Yahiko was anxious to hear more about the fighting rather than her reminiscing.

Chisa laughed again. She was simply trying to relive those good days a bit. They became few and far between later in their lives and she tried to rely on those memories to separate from the monotony, anxiety, and heartbreak.

Kenshin suddenly remembered something that Jin-e had said before he died, relating to the fact that he could no longer live as a swordsman or hitokiri. "Life would have been so boring…" He knew this truly wasn't a love story. At some point, any feelings Jin-e may have had for Chisa had to have been replaced simply by bloodlust. The need to see people suffer. He felt a pang of hurt and pity for her.

"I suppose you're right, young one." She didn't want to admit that she had forgotten Yahiko's name.

"Don't call me that!" He retorted.

"My apologies. I'll move forward." She took a breath and brushed her hair out of her face yet again and adjusted her bun. This seemed to be a way for her to stall a bit, perhaps.

"When we were seventeen, a year before he left to join the Shinsengumi, his mother took a turn for the worse. She was no longer able to continue her duties in our home, but my mother wanted to make sure she was cared for and so my family continued to support her financially, if only for Jin-e's sake at the request of my father."

Kaoru had been silent for some time and had been letting the others speak and she interrupted suddenly. "I don't understand your father's relationship with him." She shook her head.

"Father grew up poor too. He knew his father, but I feel like he was trying to give Jin-e a greater chance to succeed. Chutaro never really knew true poverty, or going hungry, and certainly not the type of relationship that he had with his mother. It took my family longer than it should have for them to realize the extent of the abuse. By that time, Jin-e was old enough that I believe his mother became more fearful of his size, and her illness prevented her from drinking quite as much. For them to kick them both out would guarantee that Jin-e would continue a cycle of hurt, of course not knowing the hurt that he would cause others, and me, later in life." Chisa looked away from the others. They couldn't tell if she was fighting tears or not.

Her focus returned. "The incident happened the day his mother died. She had died that morning; a fact I was not aware of but one that I think impacted Jin-e's mental state that day. We all knew it would be within days, but not the exact time. That evening I felt like I had to see him. My parents were out in town picking up groceries and other necessities. I spoke with Akari, my biggest supporter of course, who then encouraged me to just sneak out and go see him. I was apprehensive but still wanted to be brave like my big sister. I determined that I was going to do exactly that: Sneak out and go to Jin-e's apartment."

"I know what happens when you get two teens alone at night…" Sano laughed.

Chisa did not laugh or smile. "I knew he lived in a bad section of town, but I had been with my father once and knew where he lived. I was certain I would be fine, especially with Jin-e there to protect me. So off I went, with a pot of soup that the new housekeeper had fixed. If his mother couldn't eat it, I knew he could."

She took a deep breath. The group could see her hands trembling as she grasped the fabric of her kimono. "When I arrived at Jin-e's apartment, he wasn't home and I knew his mother was not well enough to answer the door. Thinking that he must be at the dojo and not knowing when he would return, I turned around to leave. My plan had failed. When I did, I ran face first into two men who were sneering at me, dropping my pot of soup. It was dark in the back alley where his apartment was and so I had to squint a bit to get a good look at them."

Kaoru flinched. She thought of Jin-e grabbing her against her will. Being kidnapped by a madman.

Chisa continued. "They both shoved me further into the alley, grasping the collar of my kimono. Before I could scream, one of the men covered my mouth and I bit him. The second one slapped me in the face. They both smelled of alcohol and body odor. I gagged at the smell. They pulled at my obi and my collar."

"Now I definitely know where this is going…Jin-e will show up and save your life." Sano added.

"Well, yes. As cliche as it sounds, that's exactly what happened. But it wasn't the men who really scared me. It was what happened next when Jin-e showed up. He grabbed one of the men and headbutted him, one of his go-to moves in a fight, knocking the man out immediately. The other tried to run, but Jin-e was too fast and agile. I was shocked at how quickly he had the man by the collar."

Kenshin recalled Jin-e's speed despite his height. It was impressive. Not as fast as Kenshin of course, but still frightening.

"Jin-e knocked the man to the ground, and kicked him in the ribs. At this point the man was yelling and cursing and trying to get up. He grabbed Jin-e's leg, trying to knock him down. Jin-e stomped him in the mouth, breaking his front teeth off at the gums. I was horrified. Seeing this man who had been nothing but gentle to me become so violent was, to this day and after all I have seen, simply awful by comparison."

Kaoru and Yahiko both put their hands over their mouths, feeling their own front teeth and cringing.

"He then crouched over the man, hitting him in the face until he was swollen and bleeding. I grabbed Jin-e's arm and he shook me off and hit the man one last time. There was blood on the hem of my kimono and Jin-e's face and hands were covered. He looked at me. There was something in his eyes I had never seen before. Ever. Rage, yes, but he was also smiling. He laughed, looking at the damage he had done to the two men. I was shaking so hard that I couldn't even fix my disheveled kimono. What happened next was the part that I will never forget, even if the other details fade."

All of the Kenshingumi leaned forward towards Chisa. Kaoru and Yahiko still had their hands over their mouths.

"He grabbed my face with one hand and kissed me hard. My first ever kiss. He then took his other hand and put it on my face as well, both hands smearing blood across my temples and cheeks. I could smell it. I gagged again." Chisa's eyes were wide as she spoke, not unlike they were when this incident occurred.

"He then took a step back from me and stared, still smiling. He said 'So beautiful…'. At first I thought it was simply something he was saying about me. In retrospect, however, I'm not so sure…" Her arms were shaking as well at this point, one hand reaching up to touch her face. Her breathing had quickened.

"What can you even say to that?" Kaoru chimed in, breaking Chisa from being totally immersed in the memory. Chisa was glad.

"Nothing. I could say nothing. Luckily, I didn't have to. He grabbed my hand and took me to his apartment and told me that his mother had died. By the time we were inside, his face was nearly back to the Jin-e I knew, not the person I saw brutalize those two men. Nearly, not entirely."

Kenshin's eyes had narrowed. Kaoru and Sanosuke leaned back to where they were originally sitting. Yahiko stayed leaning forward

"So what happened next?"

Chisa looked exhausted. "Before I continue, I need to take a moment if you don't mind. May I have a bit of privacy for a few minutes?"

Kenshin nodded, then motioned with his head for the other three to follow him inside. They did.

Chisa stayed where she was sitting, touched her face, and then rubbed a hand across her lips.

"So beautiful…"