Chapter 20

In the darkest, most secretive depths of his being, Sonic already knew exactly what would happen if he went to see Amy that night.

In the pitch black well of his heart, a whisper echoed up through his ribcage, not letting him escape the scary truth he had trapped down there. If he was being totally honest with himself, the reason he had asked to see her in the first place was because he hoped desperately that he might have the chance to kiss her.

But Sonic was not being honest with himself. Instead, as he left the camp that night, he went to war in his own mind; trying to convince himself that just because he was going to see her, didn't mean that anything had to come of it.

No, he determined. He was really just going to comfort her. He was just going to be near her. He was just going because he needed to see her and reassure himself that she was okay; that she hadn't slipped fully from his grasp just yet.

Sonic's run to the castle was the longest he had ever been on. He kept skidding to a stop and grumbling aloud, trying to convince himself to move in one direction or another. Once or twice he even turned fully around, intent on abandoning the idea of seeing her.

Go back to camp, he berated himself. Go back to where he knew he couldn't make any more bad decisions.

But the inevitability of it all beckoned to that deep, dark part of him.

Just give in, his heart echoed back, in a voice that sounded suspiciously like Amy's. It was all in the palm of his hands, his heart reasoned - it was all right there for him to have, if only he would take it. It was all waiting for him in one room in the east tower of the castle.

Sonic smoothed his quills back and shook his head, then sped all the way to her room without looking back again.

The night was gentle, quiet, and cold. There was something crisp; almost sharp, in the air. Amy, bouncing impatiently on her toes out on her balcony, thought it might be something like anticipation. She felt like time hadn't been ticking forward - like she had been suspended in that single moment right before Sonic kissed her cheek - for weeks. The world seemed to be holding its breath around her, waiting for Sonic. Waiting on his command to set her entire being humming back to life.

As soon as Amy saw Sonic climbing up the ivy wall toward her, she broke into a grin and waved down at him. Her tell-tale heart beat loudly with relief. He was here. He had come to be with her on her last night. If nothing else happened, then she was at least thankful for that.

"Cold?" Sonic called up to her, chuckling when she panicked and shushed him. She looked cold, all wrapped up in a thick-knit jumper, trousers made of soft fleece, and wool socks.

"Are you crazy?" Amy whispered, reaching down to help pull him up for the last bit of the climb. "Actually, don't answer. I already know you are."

Sonic grunted as he heaved himself over her balcony railing for one last time and tumbled straight into Amy's arms. His momentum carried him like a current right into her.

"So…" he said, just a touch too loudly. His hands fell naturally on her back as he grabbed her close to recover his footing.

"So," Amy agreed, holding him gently by the arms. She offered him what she hoped was a reassuring smile. "Are you…?"

She didn't quite know what she wanted to ask of him and instead fell silent.

They stayed like that - cold and close - for a long, quiet moment. They each searched the other for a sign - a tell - in that slow pause: their bodies, their expressions, the pace of their breathing. They both had so many questions about why they were there and what they wanted from each other. Was it right, what they wanted? Was it wrong? Or was it something else? And could they have it without upsetting the precarious balance that the whole world seemed to teeter on around them?

They looked for answers in each other, and found nothing except their own earnest, happy smiles. They looked and found only crinkles by their eyes and blushes on their cheeks and heartbeats that they could feel pulsing against their chests.

Sonic felt hot as he held her, adrenaline spiking in his heart. He loved the feeling of his pulse racing; loved the feeling of her chest heaving against his.

"Would you… like to come inside?" Amy asked eventually, nodding toward the door.

"Nah. I actually quite like freezing out here," Sonic said dryly, smiling down at her.

"Suit yourself then," Amy teased, and turned to head into her room, pushing him from her grasp gently.

Sonic didn't follow her immediately. He watched her disappear into her dark room and took a deep breath, already feeling like he was losing the battle, and badly.

The battle against himself, he thought. The battle he didn't even really want to fight in the first place. The stupid, ridiculous war that he knew could not be won anyway, no matter what he did.

Amy stood with her back to the fireplace, warming her hands against the dying flames as she watched Sonic saunter towards the door. He had his hands shoved deep in his pockets, taking his sweet time until he finally reached the balcony door.

Sonic leaned against her doorframe warily, watching her. Not yet entering.

He could still turn back, he told himself one last time. It wasn't too late yet. He could still return to the cold, cleansing night air and forget the want deep in his stomach. Forget the warmth of her room and her body. Forget her.

"Come and sit," Amy beckoned softly, gesturing to the armchair in front of her - his armchair.

Sonic looked down, shocked to see he had stepped over the line and into her room without even thinking about it. She beckoned him and he moved. Simple as that.

Sonic sat in the velvet chair, leaned forward, and looked up at Amy to really study her. He felt a shiver of anticipation at the base of his spine like a hot spark. In the warmth of her room, her face lit by the rose glow of the fireplace, he could read her like a book. Now, she held all the answers he could ever want. And more questions, more promises, more everything.

She stood before him with her shoulders pulled back and chin high. There was danger in the way the moonlight glinted off her eyes. There was heat in her soft smile. There was energy in her body that Sonic could feel all the way from where he sat.

"So," Sonic said again lamely, unable to tear his gaze from her. "Are you… nervous about getting your toes trampled on tomorrow?" God, he loathed himself. That was the best he could do? She was looking at him with such obvious hunger, and he couldn't bring himself to talk of anything that actually mattered.

"Very funny," Amy said dryly, tilting her head. "But no. I'm nervous about getting engaged to a stranger. And then nervous about dying at the Tournament. And then nervous about leading a Kingdom."

"I - I'm sorry," Sonic said, unable to think of anything clever. He fidgeted. "I'm… sorry," he said again, but this time it was quieter and heavier. He was apologizing to her for so much: for the way that he so easily got lost in his warring heart. For what he knew tomorrow would feel like for her.

"...Why did you come here tonight, Sonic?" Amy asked after a moment, her voice quiet but steady.

"Wanted to be nice?" he deflected with an apologetic smile.

"Mmm, how very chivalrous of you," Amy said, and took a step forward. "That all?"

Sonic's eyebrows rose just a hair. The spark at the base of his spine traveled upward, impossibly slow. It crept up his back inch by inch, setting his stomach tangling in dense knots.

"I… don't know," he said, eyes trained on her. "Why do you think I'm here?"

Amy sighed and looked at him with such sincere disappointment. It almost made Sonic feel embarrassed.

"You keep doing this…" Amy said, wrapping her arms around herself as she glanced away from him. "Making it all my choice. I already know what I want. I know why I'm here. I can't tell you what you want-"

She caught her tongue at the last minute. The overwhelming desire to call him 'love' almost got the best of her. The room was so quiet, and they were only a pace away from each other. The scope of the universe felt narrowed in on them, like they might be the only two creatures in the whole world with warm, beating hearts. And she wanted him to hear her whisper 'love' to him while it still felt like this. While the universe existed just to give them space.

"Amy," Sonic said, still leaning forward like they were deep in a negotiation, "my life… feels so unrecognizably big these days… I don't know what I want. I don't know how I'm supposed to know what I want."

Amy took another step forward. She was close enough now that Sonic sat up and back in his chair, trying to keep up the pretense of distance between them.

"In my dreams almost every night…" Amy began softly, embarrassed to admit her mind's favorite place to take her for comfort. "You and I are… in an alcove. And we're close and the world is quiet and you say… these things that just… light my soul on fire. They make me weep with joy. I wake up feeling so… alive and real and happy. And in that alcove, in my dreams, we…"

Amy couldn't quite say it, looking anywhere but at him as she held herself tighter and blushed and felt heat rush through her chest.

"Maybe, if you close your eyes," Amy said, switching tactics. "Maybe if you think about your dreams. If you picture what it looks like to… feel alive and real and happy… Maybe that's what you want."

Sonic pressed his lips together and glanced away from her. That godforsaken spark had made its way up toward his chest. He closed his eyes, feeling his pulse in his ears, loud and steady.

In his dreams… Well, he knew that alcove, too. In his dreams he knew what it felt like to hold her and kiss her and run his hands down her back and through her quills.

But in his dreams, he knew what it felt like to lose her, too. Sometimes in his dreams he screamed for her. Sometimes in his dreams he watched her collapse onto the arena floor. Sometimes in his dreams he looked in the mirror, and the person looking back at him had ice-blue eyes and sharp teeth.

"Amy, for once in my life, I'm trying so hard to do the right thing," Sonic pleaded, eyes still shut tight. "I'm trying to do what's right for you, I'm trying to think about the future - trying to save you from… hurt. I've never worried or planned this much ever in my life, but it feels like everything is going to crumble around us because of me and I can't lose…" Sonic's voice cracked and he took a deep breath.

"...I'm doing it all for you," he tried again. "I'm trying to do the right thing for you. And… what I want right now… what would you say if it wasn't… the right thing to do?" he asked, letting his aching head fall into his hands.

As he sat with his eyes closed, Amy took another step closer to him. Her stomach dropped out from under her bit by bit as he spoke, thrilling and familiar and pleasant.

"You're… very noble Sonic," Amy said with an affectionate sigh. "I would say… that we aren't guaranteed much time. I worry less and less about what comes after the Tournament, because I know I may not even get an 'after'. What I do have is right now. Tomorrow, I lose everything, and… I can't afford to keep tip-toeing around what I feel. I don't want to anymore. I think that joy was made to be pursued - to be felt. I want… to feel happy in the time I have left. I want to feel it with you."

"I'm just trying to do what's best for you," Sonic whispered into his palms, desperate and grief-stricken for what he knew had to come.

"Don't," Amy pleaded, bending gently to take his hands from his face and squeeze them. "Don't think about me. Think about yourself."

Sonic shook his head with a smile and opened his eyes to see Amy, right in front of him; her smile comforting and the look in her eyes so, so tempting.

"Impossible," Sonic said quietly, taking her in, "not to think about you."

Amy eased slowly to her knees before him, still holding his hands in hers. Sonic took a sharp breath in as she leaned forward just the slightest.

"Sonic," Amy said seriously, her bright eyes dimming, "I want to be very clear: when I'm engaged, that's it. At least for however long it goes on. I'm not the kind of person who… I value loyalty, I value honesty. I don't like to do harm to others. When I choose my fiancé, up until the very moment I break our engagement, I will be… faithful to him. Do you understand?"

Sonic did. But he was so preoccupied with finding a way to make this all work in his mind that he wasn't quite sure what she was implying. He was still trying to work out how he could have what he wanted tonight and still somehow be with her after everything tomorrow. He thought of how the next day would go, and how he hoped she could forgive him. Maybe she'd be pleased when she realized that she wouldn't have to be engaged? Maybe she'd understand why he had held her so far away for so long? Maybe, if he kissed her now, they'd at least have the memory of this moment to return to once it all fell apart, and his nights became dark and lonely and cold once again.

"Tonight is all we have left for now," Amy said, and felt tears welling in her eyes. She shook her head desperately, rejecting the impulse to cry. It was too early to start grieving. She didn't want to, not yet. Not while he was still sitting in front of her and his eyes were so dark and his lips were open and soft and so close to hers.

Sonic reached out, cushioning the line of her jaw in his soft palm.

"I know…" he said, his voice suddenly low and quiet. He didn't know how to tell her that he couldn't do this - didn't know how to tell her that if she pressed him anymore he might die from the heat of the spark that hovered over his heart and cried out to let it make a home there.

"Why did you come here?" Amy asked again, her voice a fervent whisper. The hearth popped and hissed loudly behind her.

"I… don't know," Sonic denied, making his final stand against the desire tugging his chest forward, tilting his face toward hers.

They held steady for a breath longer. Sonic sat stiffly in his chair, terrified of the decision set before him. She had placed herself in his hands so completely. If he kissed her now, he might be crushed by grief for how he knew he was using her. And if he didn't kiss her now, they would both miss their chance to feel this feeling, maybe forever. Because tomorrow would come, and Sonic would break her heart. And maybe she would forgive him, but maybe she wouldn't. Maybe she would slip through his fingers like sand in an hourglass, taking their future, his joy, his heart with her.

"Last chance," Amy breathed. She looked at him, begging him to join her there on her knees, surrendering to her feelings. She pressed her face into his hand so that his fingertips brushed the back of her neck.

"Sorry?" Sonic murmured, blinking as he came back to the present.

"It's… your last chance," Amy repeated, her skin on fire.

Sonic's heart swelled in his chest. Everything pulled him in every single direction, but for one moment he could hear nothing except those two words ringing in her room. He almost wept from the weight of them. They were so heavy that Sonic slid down from his chair, falling to his knees before her - with her.

Last chance.

He took hold of her firmly, his one hand finding the small of her back and his other lacing into her quills. As he pulled her flush to his chest, he tilted her head back only the tiniest bit.

"Ames, you're killing me," he murmured, holding her there. "I'm trying to -"

"Stop trying," Amy whispered, her hands curling around the collar of his coat. "I never asked you to do the right thing."

And then Sonic pulled her into him and brought his lips finally, mercifully crashing onto hers.

Amy smiled as she drew him to her by his coat collar. She heard herself sigh as her body melted into his with such delicious relief. He felt so perfect against her; he kissed her like he needed her. And time suddenly screeched forward for her again. And the world and her body suddenly lit back up, and she was alive and happy and real in his arms.

She kissed him back softly and passionately, her hands moving up into his quills even as his traveled down her back to push their bodies even closer together.

I love you, she tried desperately to tell him. With her gentle caress and generous kiss, she hoped dearly that he could hear her. I am so deliriously, direly, completely in love with you.

Sonic had never known a moment like this. He had never felt a feeling like this, not ever in his life.

She was soft and sweet, and he was euphoric as he simply forgot how to worry for one long, blissful moment. Every nerve in his body lit up as he let the spark in his chest finally find his heart and bury itself there. His stone ribs cracked open until they crumbled to dust inside him, and there was nothing left to protect himself from being filled up entirely by light and heat and her.

They pulled away from each other, eyelids heavy and hearts pounding.

"Thank Gaia," Amy laughed in relief, her chest heaving as she tugged his quills playfully.

Sonic smiled as he watched her. "What? Was it really that hard to wai-"

Amy pulled him back into her and kissed him roughly, showing him exactly how hard it had been for her to wait for this. Sonic laughed against her lips as she kissed him eagerly, and he pulled her fully into his arms, lifting them both up so he could step back and settle them into his armchair.

The joy Sonic felt as she pressed her lips to his again and again felt entirely new to him every time. The way his body hummed near hers was something he had never before known - and it was scary and thrilling and so wonderful to feel. He closed his eyes, certain that there was a name for this feeling, but even more certain that he couldn't let himself acknowledge it.

Amy broke their kiss as he sat back in the chair and nestled her into his side. His hands slid onto her back and then up until he could pull at her quills, pressing his lips to her jaw as she tilted her head to the side.

"Sonic," Amy breathed, her heart stuttering. "Please - before tomorrow I want to tell you - I want you to know that-"

Sonic's eyes shut tight and he turned her face back to him, kissing her again. There was no push or pull this time; he just pressed his lips to hers for a long, simple moment so she couldn't say it. He didn't want to talk about tomorrow. He didn't want to talk about that word. He wanted to forget how wrong this was again, wanted his brain to shut up so he could just enjoy the feeling of that hot spark in his chest.

Amy pulled back from him and took his face in her hands. She pressed her forehead to his.

"I know you've been through so much," Amy whispered to him, and watched as he flinched. Still, she held him steady against her. She turned his face in her hands and kissed his cheek sweetly, just as he had done to her.

"I know that it's scary, and I know that… nothing is guaranteed for us. But I want you to know that you won't lose me, Sonic. Not if I can help it. I will do everything in my power to keep that from happening." Amy turned his head again and kissed his other cheek. "I feel more confident than ever that we'll be okay," she admitted, and smoothed his mussed quills back with gentle fingers. She smiled when she felt a purr rumble deep in his chest. "Because for so long now I've felt that, more than the Kingdom… I'm fighting for you."

Sonic's eyes opened. He kissed her deeply once more.

"I'm not worth fighting for, Amy," he warned, his breath ragged.

"Yes, you are," Amy said. "And I'll prove it when I win the Tournament for you, love."

Sonic snapped awake at that word, suddenly fully back in reality. He bolted up, pulling Amy from his lap as panic flooded his body and stole what little breath he had left from his lungs. Suddenly he felt cold and afraid and so, so foolish. The spark puttered out in his heart, and he clutched guiltily at the ring on his neck.

Amy reached for him and took him by the arms, ducking to try and catch his eyes.

"Sonic?" she asked. "It's okay if you're not ready - you're safe, you're alright. I'm not going anywhere-"

He tore himself from her and gripped onto the armchair for balance as his vision went fuzzy and hot tears pooled in his eyes.

Sonic's hand flew to his face, and he gaped at himself. He was crying? He was really crying? He tried to keep his breath from giving him away as he felt Amy's soft hands on his back. He swallowed down the heartache as best he could, sure that he had made a huge misstep that he could never take back. Amy rubbed circles into his back, which only made him feel all the worse.

"I can't yet," Sonic choked out. He wiped at his eyes furiously.

"Okay," Amy said. And she pulled him into her, wrapping her arms around his middle and resting her head between his shoulder blades. She felt his rapid heartbeat pounding against her chest. "That's okay. Just breathe for me instead."

He tried. He really tried. But the weight was back on his chest, and it squeezed him harder than before. He was haunted by how she had looked standing before him just moments ago. Her lips and cheeks red, her smile so happy. And then just like that she was worried for him. She wanted to help him. Love she had called him, like he was someone deserving of that title.

He wasn't. And still he had kissed her. And he loved her. And now he had to go before he made things worse.

"Amy, I shouldn't have come here," Sonic said, turning to her. He clutched the ring around his neck as he backed away from her, like a child clutching his favorite toy for comfort in the dark.

"Sonic," Amy said, her face falling as she reached out for him. "I'm sorry if I - did I do something wrong?"

Yes, he thought, watching her grow confused at his reaction. Maybe this was good. If she started hating him now for leaving her, maybe the force of his betrayal tomorrow would be just a bit softer.

"No," he said. "You've done nothing wrong. I have. And I'm sorry, Ames. I really, truly am."

He turned and strode swiftly from her room, leaping over her balcony as quickly and quietly as he could, ignoring as she called his name.

When Sonic hit the cold ground, he stood on shaky legs and wiped another tear from his cheek with the heel of his hand in awe. He hadn't cried in nearly ten years. And since meeting Amy, he had cried twice.

And, he thought painfully, she had probably cried so many more times than that since meeting him. She was probably crying right now. And she would probably cry tomorrow.

He could turn around and try to salvage something from the rubble of the house that they had built together - the house that he was burning down. But he had gone back to a burnt house once before. He knew how badly it hurt to sift through the hot ashes, searching desperately for signs of life. This time, he knew there would be nothing left for him to find. Coming here tonight had all but ensured that.

No ring, no song, no eternal love. No more tomorrows.


Grief came for Amy like a thief in the night. It stole her from her dreams of the alcove and squirreled her away to the cliffside, where Sonic dropped her and she fell and fell and fell, until she woke with a gasp, her hand digging into her chest as if she was trying to make sure her heart was still there.

It was still dark out as she made her way to Sonic's armchair and curled into it, searching the velvet for a hint of him. A whiff of his scent, the sensory memory of his voice singing clear and true in the glen - anything to help her fight the desperate melancholy seeping deep into her bones.

She fell into restless sleep, slung in the chair like she had been in his lap, and she woke as the sun rose with tears in her eyes. She had a headache. Her body felt like lead; like dead weight. She was a rag-doll in the chair, limp and manipulatable.

"No," Amy pleaded with the world as the tears came like a heavy thundercloud, sad and torrential. She didn't want to be here. She didn't want to be alive in this horrible day. She wanted to be back in last night, in Sonic's arms. She wanted to be there, in that moment when he had tilted her head back and kissed her jaw so softly that it felt like breathing.

Amy wept.

"Take me back," she begged aloud, her face buried in the back of the chair. The sobs came rolling out of her in waves, and she grieved for the undeniable knowledge that nothing could grant her that deepest wish of her heart.

Amy woke on her birthday morning alone, and she cried and cried and cried. And grief held her heart fast in its pitying, apologetic grasp. Amy tore at her clothes and at her hair in agony as she mourned the day she was born for so many reasons. She pounded her fists against the chair in an angry, childish rage.

And finally, when the tears ran out and she could cry no more, still the grief stayed. Grief held her in its heavy arms, and Amy lay limp in them, taking to mourning like she was embracing an old friend that she had not seen for quite some time.