SUMMARIES:

This part of the story will be updated, so you can always go to Chapter 1 for summaries of new material.

1. Two Hermiones is just what it says: a Harry and Hermione from the canon world learn how to make portals to other worlds. They go to another world where Harry died and, had they not arrived in time, Hermione would have been killed by the troll. Harry's solution is to have two girlfriends: it's not cheating, since they're the same girl!

2. Don't Pitch the Reaper is a deconstruction and rather savage parody of Reptilia28's famous Don't Fear the Reaper challenge, using the style and basic characters from Screen Rant's Pitch Meeting series.

3. Peace and Quiet are Dear to her Heart is the last chapter I was working on for the Curio Shop before I put it aside for several months. I will slip in draft chapters from other works periodically here: if that's interesting, go for it, if not, skip them.

4. Slow Burn Harmony is another satire and deconstruction of too-rapid Harmony.

5. "So long as they don't frighten the unicorns" is just another cosmic humiliation and misfortune heaped on Harry's head the day after his first time with Hermione. Its title comes from the expression "I don't care what they do [usually of a sexual nature] as long as they don't frighten the horses." Unicorns are integral to the plot.

6. Master of Death is also what it says on the can: Harry Potter is the Master of Death and it's not neat at all.

7. 100-word story for Harmony & Co is exactly that - see a pattern yet? In this story, Hermione is kind of gaslighted, but it's for her own good, honest!

8. Make a wish: Harry and Hermione wish they were in a world where James and Lily lived and Hermione had grown up with friends. A bored Harry and Hermione living in just such a world wish that they could be somewhere more adventurous. The Mirror of Erised, holding the Philosopher's Stone, complies.

9. Sorted into Her. Harry met Hermione before Hogwarts, and she was his first ever friend. Desperate not to be parted from his only friend, all he says when the Hat blathers on about Slytherin, etc., is that he wants to be with "Hermione Granger." The Hat becomes annoyed as he repeats that demand, and decides to comply with him, precisely. A new House is born!

10. The Council of Xeno: Another Curio Shop chapter. No guarantees that what shows up here is what ends up there.

11. Harry Potter and the Menace from the Future: I wonder what Fanfiction Hell is like? Also, yes, that's where your missing order ended up. Britain, 1995. You're welcome.


1. Two Hermiones (SNIPPET)

Author's Note: DISCLAIMER: I am, obviously, JK Rowling under a pseudonym. Since my last cry for help, The Cursed Child, was ignored, I decided to write something even less similar to the seven books of the Harry Potter series. All rights reserved, or, if you are reading this in America, not really, actually, very reserved at all, are they? Please, good people, stop me before the voices make me write again!

Two Hermiones

She had just been gathering her wits and courage and reaching for the stall door.

It was interesting how neat everything, including the WCs, was in a magical castle. The lighting wasn't the best, but it was much better than you'd expect in a candle-powered school.

Still, she was going to go home, she decided. Whatever they did to her for refusing to return would be worth it. A stray thought she'd had before popped into her mind. The boy she'd read about in The Rise and Fall of the Dark Arts. His mother had been just like her.

"If Harry Potter had lived, he'd never have been so cruel to a girl just for not having magical parents!"

Right then, she noticed a foul odour filling the bathroom.

Thudding footsteps were followed by what sounded like a door being smashed off its hinges, followed by a roar, followed by what sounded like a couple of sinks, broken with the faint sound of rushing water.

Hermione Granger, 12, made herself as small as she could.

She'd been an unhappy, friendless girl before discovering she could work magic. She'd decided that that was the reason she'd always been an outcast, and her parents didn't know enough to contradict her.

If she was now going to die - really die, not like in a book - because of some evil magic animal, then life wasn't good. What sort of world treated a nice, polite, obedient girl like her this way? Making her life miserable then ending it for no reason?

There was no one to see her cry, and she wouldn't have given a damn if there were. One by one, she heard the stall doors ripped off, and then it was her turn.

A grotesque giant looked at her. It paused to consider her, then stepped forward, raising a medium-sized log that it was using as a club. Hermione screamed louder than she'd have guessed she could.

Both she and the giant were distracted by the sound of running feet and a boy's voice yelling, "Hey, ugly!"

Before either of them could have reacted, she saw a small boy with black hair jump on the giant's back - it was some sort of troll, was the thought that went through her good student mind - and jam a magic wand in its nose. She heard a girl's voice yell, "Now!" and then call out the "Wingardium Leviosa" charm they'd finished learning that very day.

The log raised up slowly, and the giant troll-thing followed it as it slowly pried itself out of its fingers and touched the ceiling. Then the giant turned its attention back to Hermione. Unfortunately for the troll, as at that point, its makeshift club smacked it on the head, causing it to stagger. She heard the boy yell "Stupefy," then saw him jump off the beast, apparently twisting his ankle and perhaps damaging an elbow as he landed.

She caught a glimpse of a bushy-haired girl around her age leaning over the boy and saying "Episkey," as she waved a wand across his ankle, and then his elbow. "If you can stand by yourself," Hermione heard her say, "I'll help Hermione up."

With that, she finally got a good look at one of her rescuers. It was as if she was looking in a mirror, and Hermione gave up and fainted dead away.

When she regained consciousness, she was still looking at her doppelganger, and both she and the black-haired boy looked at her with concern.

When the boy asked her if she was all right, she decided he had a nice voice, on balance. He was quite small for someone who would jump on a troll and knock it out, that was certain.

"How did you get here? Who are you?" Hermione asked, dragging herself to her feet with one hand on the wall. She looked around and found she was in a dusty room with the door closed. She could only see the others because there was a light at the end of a wand carried by the girl that looked like her twin sister.

"We were listening at the feast when a teacher said a troll was running around, and we didn't see you, but we overheard Parvati Patil say you'd be here crying your eyes out," the girl said, sympathetically. Now that she wasn't facing imminent death, Hermione was embarrassed.

"And that's why we're here, to save you if you needed it," said the boy, apparently named Harry. "I thought we'd get you before you could run into it, though. We weren't planning on this much excitement."

The girl glanced over at the boy, who seemed to be doing better. There was a sock filled with ice tied around his ankle, but he wasn't favouring it.

"And another reason we're here is that my boyfriend, Harry Potter here, is a selfish, perverted little beast without a trace of moral fibre," the girl added, making the boy cringe.

Harry Potter, of course, was dead. So this was a dying hallucination, or worse, the afterlife.

"But why would there be two of me in the afterlife?" Hermione mused aloud.

"This isn't the afterlife, although there are, in fact, two of you. I'm afraid," said the girl with a sigh, "that I'm also Hermione Granger. I'm you. Now, none of that, don't go fainting on us again, we don't have time."

"I left a very realistic body," the boy said, smiling happily. Even given he'd saved her life, Hermione found that quite creepy.

"We were going to leave it behind after we got you out of there," explained the girl, "then when they'd all had a good think about how they've treated you, reveal you were alive after all. But we had a lot to discuss first."

"We agreed we'd be better off going to your house in our ... whatever it is," said Harry.

"What if there's a troll wandering around in our Hogwarts?" countered the girl.

"We'll listen carefully, and when we hear a bunch of people, we'll blend in with the crowd," he replied.

Hermione noticed the girl had a pained expression, and she was sighing again. "Fine," she said. The boy brought out a strange-looking ball and tapped it with his wand. "Porta Figulorum!" he exclaimed, firmly. The ball expanded into a kind of stone arch. The boy tapped it again and declaimed, "Plenum Revelio!" and she could see their faces had an expectant look. It quickly shifted to stunned shock as the arch remained an arch. Apparently, that was a surprise.

"Oh Harry!" the girl cried, "You DIDN'T!"

"I'm following the instructions in the grimoire, Hermione," he said. His body was hunched and by his voice, he was trying to placate the girl. "Globus Figulorum," he said, quietly, and the arch collapsed back into a ball, which he stowed in a pocket.

"We might as well go to Gryffindor Tower," the girl said. "I can't believe I'm doing this, but we should talk there. I have an idea how we'll swing it. Come along, please, Hermione. I promise your curiosity will be sated soon."

With that, they both disappeared, and Hermione felt a girl's hand in hers. "Go ahead," she heard. Well, the night couldn't get any worse, or any weirder.

When they got to the Gryffindor door, she heard her own voice say "Caput Draconis." Is shocked Hermione that these people knew the password, then she decided it should not.

They were the only people in the common room - after all, everyone else was at the feast, or out looking for the troll. She walked up the stairs but was tugged to a halt where the route divided. The girl and boy reappeared. "Lie down, Harry," she heard.

Harry did so, and the girl cast Wingardium Leviosa, apparently on his garments, as she saw both his shirt and trousers looking like they were being tugged upwards. "Do the same, on his clothes, not his body," the girl said. Hermione decided it was easier to go along than to question every step. It was very tiring, but she noticed Harry was bumping up and down, rising up to about an inch off the floor. She heard him say the charm, pointing his wand at an area where the air shimmered. Then he re-cast the charm on his garments, disappearing shortly afterwards. The girl transferred her wand to her other hand, and Hermione followed suit out of curiosity. She still felt the strain of tugging on Harry's clothes, so guessed the charm was still active. "Put it back in the other hand and grab here," the girl said, pointing to where Harry had been.

With a hand on either side of the space, they picked up what felt like a body and continued up the girls' stairs. They managed to make it into Hermione's room, and flop their invisible burden on her bed. The boy Harry reappeared. He had, somehow, beaten the protection against a boy getting into the girls' quarters!

The girl got in bed next to him and pulled the covers up over them. She left them open on Hermione's side and beckoned her in. It would be a somewhat snug fit, but Hermione's curiosity still overrode her outraged modesty.

Hermione had to move snugly against the boy to see the girl's face as she was saying, "Okay, let's talk."