Harry Potter and the Menace from the Future (ONE-SHOT)

Chapter Summary

When Wizarding Britain is overwhelmed with strange futuristic creatures resembling smiling boxes, only the Chosen One can save the day!


At first, only the purebloods had complained when obviously Muggle-looking boxes appeared all over Wizarding Britain. They sneered and demanded the Ministry do something about it. In a way, it was a windfall for Muggleborns past Hogwarts age: suddenly they were in demand as garbage sweepers.

Then the Muggleborns reported that the boxes moved away and resisted collecting.

A disgruntled pureblood demanded the Wizengamot do something, and was told to do something himself. The Wizengamot was not known for initiative in anything not directly profiting themselves.

In a fury, he stormed out, Apparated to Diagon Alley, and fired a killing curse at a box from which music seemed to be coming out. It stopped the box cold. Then the would-be assailant noticed that the number of boxes littering Diagon Alley had grown to the hundreds.

He decided to enlist "like-minded" wizards to practice their Avada Kedavras and be seen as doing a public service at the same time. And so it fell out.

However, after a week of killing curses being flung everywhere in Diagon Alley, and a consequent complete lack of shoppers for the entire week, the businesses were out a fortune - and the number of box beings had actually increased.

In a fury, the ring-leader had torn a singing box into pieces. In the remnant, he could see what were probably Muggle products - the box beings had contents!

A savvier wizard decided to gently tear open the dead boxes and see what he could salvage. He found so much that he opened an odds-and-ends shop. With a free inventory, he was able to compete unfairly with several businesses with Muggle substitutes that worked as well as proper wizarding goods - or, in the case of paper and fountain pen vs parchment and quill, often far better.

The shopkeepers of Diagon Alley had been turning against the Wizengamot and the purebloods, but now they, too had a stake in ending the box menace.

Broad-scale solutions were sought. Instead of pouring their power into individual assassinations, they used lighter but still destructive charms to herd all the boxes into an empty space, put up barrier charms, and unleashed Fiendfyre on them.

For a while, no more boxes appeared, and there was even talk of an Order of Merlin for the ringleader.

Then, one morning, another wave of the box-beings had arrived. Each of them with an untroubled grin. All of them singing. Finally, the Wizengamot had had enough. Summon Harry Potter and Dumbledore, and get them to fix this, they told the Ministry.

For once, Dumbledore didn't prevent Harry from leaving the worst circumstances he could force on him, nor did he prevent him from ever saying anything to anyone without his permission and scripted responses. He even let Harry be seen by people he hadn't forced loyalty oaths on!

But then again, Dumbledore and Harry were, for a change, on the same page in this.

Harry was even allowed to bring up the fact that he was being tortured with illegal blood quills by the Ministry's tyrant controlling Hogwarts, and that he wouldn't help either the Ministry or Wizengamot for anything.

Dumbledore simply pointed out that the Ministry had declared war on him. If they were coming to him for aid now, they must first formally surrender to him, and to Hogwarts. Then they must discuss reparations.

The Minister and his tyrant, of course, objected and threatened dire punishments from Azkaban to the Veil. Eventually, one of the senior members of the Wizengamot silenced both of them.

In the end, the Ministry was censured and bypassed, Fudge was ousted as minister and his unmarked Death Eater undersecretary was sent to Azkaban, with her final sentence to be determined later.

Interestingly, the more magic Dumbledore put into putting the box-beings to sleep, banishing them, etc., the more they multiplied. Clearly, they had some method of adapting magic used against them, almost as if they were house-elves.

Hermione, who had watched the whole thing, finally exclaimed "Honestly! I don't know what you expect Harry to do about all this, but I think it's clearly time for us to find out!" To her great surprise, Harry was smiling! Smiling?

It was only after Harry had slowly and carefully scanned the beings that the rest of them noticed one was slightly larger, and somehow, more confident-seeming. It was to that box that Harry walked over.

"Ba ba bum," he sang, suddenly. The others standing around were startled by such strange behaviour from the Chosen One (who was also a liar, a fraud, a terrorist seeking to overthrow the ministry, a crybaby, and juggling several girls at the same time, including Hermione).

"Da da dum," the being replied, calmly. This was, somehow, even more surprising. Were they - communicating?

"Aaaaaaaaaah!" they both sang, in unison. Then, "da da da da," sang Harry.

"You look around?" sang the creature.

"Touch a hand and sing a sound so pure, salvation rings?" Harry sang back.

"Sing out loud. Because we want to make a crowd," the box sang, petulantly.

"Every healthy smile is hunger and strife to another child," Harry responded, gently.

"Everybody needs somebody!" the being asserted.

"Don't you need, don't you need to feel at home?" Harry countered.

"I'll give a little bit of my life for you," the box promised.

"Well there ain't no one around," acknowledged Harry. "I need you, you you."

"Can you feel it, can you feel it?" the box-creature implored.

"Take my message to your brother and tell him twice," Harry's voice ordered, in a pleasing baritone. "But the stars do shine in promising salvation, is near this time."

With that, all the boxes whirled into the sky and vanished over the horizon.

The first able to speak after at least a dozen minutes of stunned silence was Hermione.

"What - what happened, Harry? Where did they go? Are they gone for good?"

"I convinced them to inhabit Azkaban, Hermione. The dementors won't bother them, and the warden and guards will have no better luck getting rid of them than the Wizengamot or Dumbledore did. Considerably less luck, in fact."

She still looked puzzled, and he went on. "I never thought Azkaban made much sense. You should simply kill people like Lestrange or Barty Crouch, or give them a Draught of Living Death. This nonsense of torturing everyone there, high or low, irredeemably evil or marginally anti-social, let alone taking on ourselves the philosophical burden of the destruction of human souls, depriving people of an afterlife as if we were gods, never sat well with me. So I'm doing my bit. The singing's a bit maddening, but it will distract from the dementors, and ease the effects they have. And amongst all the random goods, there will be things that ameliorate the condition of the prisoners. I have no confidence in the laws or enforcers of this dreadful society, after all, so I think anything I can do to curb its worst excesses puts me on the side of the angels."

"But Harry," she said, exasperated, you're dodging the question! How on EARTH did you get them to obey your commands? The wizarding world had tried everything to control them!"

"Oh, that?" Harry said, bemused. He clearly hadn't even thought about that.

"Well, actually," he continued, "that was the easy part."

"Easy?" she exclaimed.

"Yeah, it seems you forget - I'm an accomplished speaker of Parceltongue."