Okay guys, here you go!
Chapter updates going forward might be slightly slower as I've been writing these during a short period where I'm in between jobs (I'm an emergency medical technician considering paramedic school and I'm transitioning from working at one ambulance service to another, better one). I'll try to write on my days off but I just won't have the time to write every day when I'm doing 10 to 12 hour ambulance tours.
Some of this is inspired by my work as an EMT (I work private EMS/interfacility transport like a lot of techs just starting out in the field since I've only had my tech card a year) and what I've seen on the job (you babysit a lot of confused patients who are getting discharged to nursing homes), so if you notice the medical content this time seems more accurate/detailed, that's why.
Also expect chapters to get longer because Finn is no longer talking to an unconscious person.
Enjoy!
Want to know a trick?
If you press your tongue to the roof of your mouth, you'll stop crying immediately.
It's a trick Finn learned in the academy. The idea was you wouldn't cry during torture. He's been using it more than he'd like to admit since that night on the oil platform.
That's what he's doing right now, standing in the corner of the room. He's trying not to look over at his boyfriend, knowing he's probably getting more and more agitated at Finn not leaving. But he's not going to cry in front of Holley. He's already come out to her, gotten attached to her, yelled at Quinn in front of her… enough. He needs to get a grip. What's going on is not an excuse for this behavior. He's done too much damage already. And he needs to be strong for Leland, too. Whenever he comes around, that is.
He's unsettled by this whole encounter, getting yelled at -well, silently yelled at- by the one he loves most over something that isn't true. And he has no way to comfort him. He must be terrified right now. There's a knock at the door.
"Finn, are you alright?"
"Yes." Liar.
"Is everything alright in there?"
"No."
"Are you coming back out here?"
"I don't know what I'm doing, honestly."
"Do you want me in there with you?"
"No, I'll come out." He goes for the door, briefly looking over his shoulder. All he sees is red hair. He's not kidding about not even wanting to look at him.
Finn has to do the tongue trick again here, hesitating in front of the door. Then, after a moment, he steps through. Holley is waiting, hands clasped together.
"I'm sorry, Finn." She knows he already told her not to be twice, but every new twist and turn of this situation makes her feel sorry for him all over again. But this time, he doesn't correct her. He doesn't say anything at all.
Don't cry, don't cry, he thinks to himself. Not in front of the girl.
"Finn, do you want to take a minute for yourself?" He nods, and she gestures to a plastic chair taken from one of the other rooms. He sits down, sighing.
"Thank you, Holley. Again."
"Of course, Finn." She exits, and once he can't hear the sound of her shoes, Finn begins to cry once again, hiding his face in his hands so no one sees. After a while, the tears stop coming. Then, he stops feeling anything, as if he has no more sadness left in his body, just… emptiness. It was coming in waves like this during the mission, too. Static again.
"Agent McMissile?" He's snapped back to reality, finding a nurse standing before him. He checks his watch -it's seven in the morning. He has pins and needles in his legs from sitting in this chair for hours. He stands up, dusting himself off.
"Yes?"
"Do you want to see him?"
"I tried that earlier."
"Do you want to try again? I just got on shift, but he seemed okay when I checked in on him. He mouthed 'hi' and nodded when I told him he was in hospital."
"Is he… with it?"
"I don't think so. He knows his first name, but he didn't respond to 'Agent Turbo', so he's… maybe alert and oriented times one? You might have better success than me at lip reading."
"He's Scouse, I don't think you'd have much success understanding him even if he could talk." Finn chuckles at this. A little joke to lighten the mood. They always used to tease each other over their accents -Finn's from the East End of London, Leland from Merseyside. A sharp contrast to the posh accents of most CHROME agents, including Holley. "Alright, I'll give it another go." He re-enters, carefully making his way to the side of the bed. Leland's still restrained, and he's sleeping. Finn gently touches his shoulder, and he opens his eyes, looking up at Finn.
Hello?
"Leland?" He smiles at Finn, showing off missing teeth, but there's something… off about the look in his eyes. The nurse is right -he's not all there. Last night was not a fluke. Much to Finn's disappointment -maybe it was pointless, but he was holding out hope that he'd be okay -"sound", as he'd put it- mentally. An idea pops into Finn's head, a way to maybe jog his memory.
"A Karmann Ghia has no radiator." He just nods in response, smiling. No dice.
"Leland, do you remember me?" Finn might as well just cut to the chase, because this is the question that's on his mind the most. Please, please say yes. We can deal with the rest later, just say yes.
Finn, is it? Oh, I know you! From… from… where do I know you from? The vacant smile on his face fades, replaced with a look of confusion. His eyebrows knit together, his eyes looking around the room as he tries to remember where he knows this "Finn" character from.
Just go along with it. Don't make him feel bad. It's not his fault.
"Where are you right now?" Basic neuro check questions. Part of the first aid training they received in the academy.
The hospital. The smile is back.
"Do you know why you're in the hospital?"
Me mum crashed the car taking us to school. His expression changes to a worried one. Is Jetta okay? Where is Jetta? Jetta Turbo, Leland's sister, left home at eighteen. When Leland was fourteen.
When Leland was fourteen. Finn takes a second to process this. How old does he think he is?
"What year is it?" Another look of confusion. He doesn't know. He starts to look upset here.
Where's me mum? Shit. Finn runs both hands through his hair -a nervous habit of his. Are they okay?
"Yes, they're okay." Maybe this is the wrong thing to say -Finn's a spy, not a nurse.
Can I see them? Leland's mum died a few years ago. I want me mum.
"Agent McMissile." Finn recognizes the voice. It's Hagen, Leland's handler. He turns around. Sure enough, the cobby, rather dowdy older woman is standing a few feet away.
Compose yourself, Finn. He straightens up, and only now does it occur to him he's in dark-colored, baggy street clothes. And he didn't put product in his hair. Not exactly the immaculate British agent he's known as at CHROME. Hagen laughs at this.
"At ease, McMissile. I came here to check on one of my best agents, I'm not here on any official business." She shuffles -Hagen always shuffles- over to the foot of the bed. "How are you doing, Leland?"
I want me mum! Where is she!? Finn can tell Hagen is a little taken aback by this. Where's Jetta? He pulls against the restraints, trying to get out of them like last night. Why am I tied up? It's like dealing with a child.
Finn was never good with kids.
Tears are running down Leland's bruised face. Hagen is visibly at a loss. Finn doesn't want to be the one to tell Leland-
Hagen beats him to it. "Leland, you're not here because of a car accident. You're…" Finn knows what Hagen is thinking here. How big of a security risk is having an agent who's out of his mind?
Leland is really crying now -Finn imagines it would be sobbing if he wasn't on a ventilator.
Please, I want my mummy. Finn can't take it anymore. Forget about Hagen being here, he needs to comfort him. He takes Leland's hand in both of his, pulling it upwards as much as the wrist restraint will allow -he doesn't dare undo the cuffs as much as he wants to, for fear that breathing tube will be coming right out if he does so- and squeezes his hand tight.
"It's okay, Leland. It's okay."
Where's my mummy?
"She's on her way." Liar. He can feel Hagen's eyes on him, as if she's waiting for him to take it too far, to prove those old rumors correct. He looks over at her, noting how uncomfortable she seems.
These two… Hagen thinks to herself. It's an open secret among the handlers. They know. Only circumstantially, but they know. Poor Agent McMissile. The agency has chosen to ignore it, operating under a policy of "don't ask, don't tell" for the two. If they didn't let it get in the way of the job, they could carry on their… relations. And the two actually worked well together. They got the job done.
Going forward, she's not exactly sure what they'll do. Who will blink first when it comes to McMissile. Will CHROME question him, or will he admit it now that Agent Turbo is out of service? She doesn't think Agent Turbo will be returning to duty any time soon, not like this.
The third option is Turbo admits it, but that might not mean much considering the state he's in. Might open up some questioning towards McMissile, though. It could be the gateway to an investigation, or McMissile coming clean about it.
"Would you like me to give you two some privacy?"
She knows, Finn. She knows. He shouldn't be surprised. Why would he be surprised at this? "If you don't mind, thank you." Hagen gives him a nod and sees herself out quietly, discreetly. Finn looks back down at Leland, only to find he looks especially scared now.
Please don't go. Please don't leave me alone.
Finn lets go of his hand to bring the chair closer to the bed, sits down in it.
"I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying right here with you." Finn notices both of Leland's hands are shaking, twitching, like he can't keep them still. What have they been giving him?
Finn?
"Yes?"
I'm sorry.
"What are you sorry for, Leland?"
I… I know you, but I don't know how…
"It's okay. You've been through a lot. I remember enough for the both of us." He takes his hand once again. Finn isn't sure how much CHROME would allow him to tell Leland. And this is not the place to discuss their relationship. Will that come back to bite him, if he doesn't tell him now? Will Leland get mad at him later for withholding that? So many questions brought up by Leland's memory loss. "We're good friends, you and I. Work partners, too." Finn's used to lying. It's a part of the job. But lying to Leland of all people feels a little painful. He never thought he would have to.
Where are we, Finn?
"You don't remember?" Leland looks from side to side, studying the room. Then he makes eye contact with Finn once more.
I'm in hospital?
"Yes, Leland. You're in hospital."
What happened?
"You had an assignment at work that you got hurt on." A sudden flash of recognition on Leland's face.
Oh, I remember now! You and me, we're mates in the academy! That last training mission was bloody awful, huh? The dogs got me. And now the year apparently is 1983, because Finn remembers when they were practicing bugging a target's house without being discovered and then, to add an extra twist to it, CHROME released a pack of Dobermans on them, which ended up pulling Leland off the fence he was trying to climb. How bad did those dogs mess me up? And why am I tied to the bed?
"You were trying to pull your breathing tube out last night." He offers no commentary on the part about the dogs from 1983 -he's torn on just going with it or trying to reorient Leland.
Ohh. Well, I'm sound now, so they can take these off. No he is not.
"I'll talk to the nurse about it."
Can you have her get me something to drink, too?
"Sure." Finn hesitantly gets up from the chair. "Are you sure you're alright if I leave to get the nurse?"
Of course, Finn, don't be silly. Finn leaves, not without some concerns, but he leaves.
And comes back a few minutes later with a nurse to find Leland struggling against the restraints. Finn rushes over. So much for him being alright.
"Leland, stop! What's wrong?" He looks up at Finn.
Finn, turn on the telly! I keep -Leland motions as much as he can to the TV remote sitting on the nightstand- trying to grab the bloody thing, but they have me tied up! I need to see the news on this, something terrible happened!
"What happened?"
You didn't hear? The footy match with Liverpool and Nottingham Forest? Hillsborough. 1989.
"Leland…"
What are you doing? Turn on the telly! Finn picks up the remote, knowing this is not going to go well, and clicks on the outdated tube TV on the other side of the bed on a table. Sure enough, there's absolutely no news coverage about it, because that was twenty-two years ago.
What the hell?
"Leland-" Finn looks over at the nurse, who nods to give him the go-ahead. So maybe he shouldn't have been going along with it. "Leland, that was in 1989. It's 2011. You're in hospital after getting injured when your cover was blown during an operation." He looks even more confused than before.
What? Are you pulling me leg?
"No, Leland, I'm not."
"He's right, Agent Turbo."
I… I don't remember this mission. What happened? Finn sighs. He doesn't want to upset him like he was last night.
"Leland, you suffered a head injury."
Fucking hell. How bad is it?
"Well, it's not even eight in the morning and so far you've thought you were a kid, then in the academy, and now you think it's 1989." Finn doesn't voice it, but it hurts him that all these times were before the two became a couple. He's forgotten everything. Except for during last night, when he was both confused and mad at Finn.
Is that why I'm bloody handcuffed to the bed?
"Agent Turbo, you tried pulling your breathing tube out last night. We had to restrain you for your own safety." He closes his eyes as if exasperated, moving his mouth as if sighing.
God fucking damn it. Finn, I'm sorry. You were right. I need to be more careful on missions. Now I've really done it, huh? He gives Finn a sorry smile. I had a good run, though… I think.
"You had an excellent run." Finn tells him. "And I'm going to be with you while you're in hospital. I'll be right here with you, every step of the way."
Aw, I'm real made up about that. Good to see I still got me mate by me side. Boyfriend. Of twenty-one years. Another thing Finn doesn't say out loud to him while he's in this state. Not that he could even if he would -not here in CHROME, with Hagen and the others around. He just hopes eventually, he'll remember it for good. And even if he doesn't, once he's out of here, Finn can remind him of it as much as his heart desires.
And aye, it could be worse. At least I finally get to take a vacation, huh? And I got the telly all to meself. Finn, have you seen they've got a new show about to air on BBC? All about spooks like us. I'm excited to see how they did on it. He means Spooks, which came out in… 2002.
He'll get there, Finn. He'll get there. Eventually. He hopes.
