I am standing there in the doorway helpless, too far away to do anything. She is filthy, her hair in a knotted mess, her clothes stained and ripped. Her eyes are dark and hollow, there is no part of her left. She is telling me to stay back, telling me she is lonely… I command her to put down the gun, but she won't. She just stands there and tells me no, that she can't, that it is too late. That she is already dead, that I am dead and that this life with out love is not a life worth living. I tell her that I love her, that I always did, but she knows that I am lying. She knows I am not capable of love or joy, all I can offer is pain and pleasure and maybe safety. She laughs, this crazy haunting laugh and then she utters her last words…

"You never loved me Master, you wanted my pain so you could avoid yours…"

"Leila, put the gun down, now. I will take you home to Escala, and take care of you. Like I used to."

"You need to change Christian, before it's too late."

It took an instant, she placed the gun in her mouth and pulled the trigger… I am screaming… shaking her to wake up, I am cold and hungry and scared and I want her to wake up. But she is so cold. I play with her hair, it is so pretty, and soft.

"Mommy, wake up." I keep saying it over and over, until I fall asleep next to her.

"Christian… Wake up! It's me Ana… Please wake up."

My eyes shoot open and I am in my bed and Ana s next to me, it was just a dream. My heart is beating out of my chest and my skin is burning. I can still smell the heavy iron scent of Leila's blood, and the stench of my mothers dead body. My stomach turning. I focus my eyes on Ana's sweet face, the early morning sun is peeking into the room and while her face is full of worry, it is the most beautiful one I have ever seen.

"Are you ok? You were screaming Christian. I want to touch you… but…" She stops speaking, her voice choked, tears welling in her eyes. I have scared her, she is seeing me at my worst and weakest. Another reason I like to sleep alone. The nights have never been kind to me.

"Ana, I was dreaming. I am fine. It's fine."

"No, its not. I am worried about you." I don't want to talk, I don't want to think. I want to bury myself in this women before me and forget. I run my finger through her hair, and lean into kiss her.

"No, Christian no." She pulls away from me and I know I have fucked up, letting her behind the curtain. Seeing my fifty shades of fucked up. Women like the illusion better. "You can't distract me with kisses. You cant fuck your issues away, no matter how hard you try."

Fair point well made, score one for Ana. I felt like she just slapped me across the face. This girl was different, she was not going to be told anything. "Talk to me, tell me whats going on."

"Ana, I appreciate your willingness to help me, but I pay a shrink large sums of money to root around in me head. I am fine, I had a bad dream it happens. Please lets just go back to sleep."

She looked at me aggravated, throwing the covers off of her body storming off into the bathroom slamming the door behind her. I had never experienced anything like this, a woman pounding around my room, pissed. Pissed at me. If this is what having a girlfriend was, it was certainly amusing; if nothing else. I called out her name once and then again and then I heard the shower turn on. A shower sounded good to me. I got up off the bed, stripping off my pants as I made it to the door, my cock hardening with each step, eager to get the morning started off right. Only to find that she had locked the god dammed door, she had locked me out of my own fucking bathroom. My hand twitched at the thought, I wanted to take her over my knee and spank the fuck out of her, just to get the balance of power back on my side. I had to keep reminding myself that Ana was not my sub, she was my girlfriend. And because of that the balance of power would always teeter on her side. I laughed at myself, standing there naked with a hard on in front of a locked door. I turned on my heel, and fell back into bed, pulling the covers over my head. This was fucking crazy.

She appeared a little while later, wrapped in a towel, a puff of steam following her out of the door. She stood by the bed, her arms crossed against her chest.

"Christian, I didn't want to talk about Jack last night. If it was up to me I would never have to say his name ever again, no less to tell you the details of how he tried to fuck me. But you asked and I trusted you enough to tell you. If you don't trust me that's fine, but then I cant trust you either. You cant ask me to give myself over to you, ask me to surrender my body to your whims. I also have to have a certain about of control in my relationships and you are asking me to give that up… and I am considering it but I cant do it like this. I won't." Fuck, fuck, fuck.

"Ana, look you are right, ok… but I can't talk about it."

"Fine."

"Ana…"

"No its fine. I get it." She walked over to the drawers I had given her, pulling out panties. She put them on like she was in a locker room at the gym. Using her towel to hide her body from me. She then turned her back to me and put in her bra. My mind going back to a day ago, when I had the pleasure of doing that. I watched her put on a tight black tweed skirt and white button down shirt, despise the poor quality of the clothing she still looked beautiful. I couldn't wait for her shipment to arrive, she should be dressed in satins and silks.

"Ana, its six in the morning. You are acting like a spoiled child, who has not gotten their way. This has nothing to do with you. This has to do with me… There are limits to what I am willing to share, it has been that my entire life and that is not going to change just because you want them to."

"You want them to change too and deep down you know it. That's why I am here and not some random sub. You came looking for me Christian, you were looking for more then someone to fuck hard. If you don't want to admit it that's fine, but I know the truth and deep down so do you."

This woman loved to knock me on my ass, time and time again. She didn't hold back, she didn't give up. She pushed and reached and grabbed. No one had ever really done that before, except maybe Elena. And that was an entirety different thing. That had more to do with her then it ever did with me. I shudder now, thinking about my time spent with Elena, all the things we did together, all the things making me who I am today.

And now here Ana was, changing me or at least trying to. But with Ana it was about me, she wanted to make me a better man, and fuck if I can resist her. Leila was right…

"You need to change Christian, before it's too late."

"Ana, I need more time, just like you do… You are not ready for my playroom and I wont force you just like you cant force me to talk about my past… until I am ready." She furrowed her brow and huffed a little, my words in her head, shifting her point of view. I could feel the power lean back in my favor.

"Fair point well made Mr. Grey."


It was a cold, windy sunny morning. I wrapped my coat around my body and slid into the warm cocoon of Christian's limo; Smiling broadly at Taylor as I did.

I had drawn a line in the sand this morning and Christian was the ocean tide that came along and washed it all away. He was right, I couldn't force him until he was ready but his screams in the night, his body sweaty, calling for his mother. It broke my heart into a million pieces. I wanted to help him, I wanted to understand.

He slid into the limo behind me weaving his fingers in mine, and exhaled. I leaned in close and rested my head on his shoulder.

"So Taylor, did you and Gail have a nice uh… day off?" I couldn't keep the sly smile off of my face as I saw the panic flash across his.

"Yes Miss Steele, we had a very nice day."

"And a good night?" Christian shot me a look, telling me I was crossing a line, but I ignored him.

"Yes that too." Taylor laughed as he answered "A very nice night."

"Good I am glad…So you and Gail…"

"Ana, please let Taylor do his job…"

"Oh, I didn't realized her couldn't talk and drive. You really should hire someone capable of doing two things at once. Sorry Taylor…" I saw him chuckle again, as Christian pressed the button putting up the divide.

"That was very rude Christian."

"Ana, there is a line… Gail and Taylor work for me… and in a way they work for you now too. You must keep the lines clear… or it gets confusing." I was getting tired of the box he kept himself in. All these walls keeping him hidden.

"That is your problem, too many lines and rules an contracts… Who are your friends Christian… Who do you love and who loves you back… That is all that matters…"

"I don't have the love gene Ana… I don't love people and they don't love me…"

"That is nonsense, I love you…and I am a person…" Holy FUCK, I just told Christian I loved him, after knowing him for just a few weeks and dating him for just a few days. A small smile cured up in the corner of his mouth and his eyes were bright.

"Excuse me?" I could feel my face start to burn, my chest tight. My inner goddess was mortified for me.

"I… well… you… never mind…" I bit my lip just to stop babbling and then in an instant Christians mouth was on mine. The hit of coffee on his lips, his tongue moving in perfect tandem with mine, his hands under my coat around my waist pulling me closer. I could think or breathe, I could move. I just wanted to kiss him over and over. He pulled his mouth away from mine, his lips inches from mine.

"We're here baby…"

"Where?" I looked over his shoulder, we were not at The Grey Building, we were in front of SIP, my stomach dropped as my heart jumped into my throat. "What are we doing here?"

"Well… I bought it…Lets go fire Jack Hyde shall we."