I stepped under the steaming hot water of the rain showerhead in Christian's expansive glass enclosed shower stall and leaned against the cold marble wall. I didn't even have the energy to wash my own hair, I was just happy to let the hot water beat against my body, from fourteen different directions. Somehow the hot water and steam were working wonders to clear my mind and I was able to collect my thoughts. Put the back together and figure out what was going on. What was I thinking, what the hell was I doing. This was not like me at all. I couldn't make a decision, make up my mind. I didn't know what I wanted, what I needed. Fuck. That was a lie, I wanted Christian, and I needed Christian. Here I was telling him that he couldn't pretend anymore and here I was pretending. Instead of being honest I was pretending that I wanted to be alone, pretending that I didn't want to be with him. The truth of the matter is I am scared. I am just plain old fashioned scared of my ass. In a weeks' time my life had been turned on my ass. I didn't have the safety and comfort of Kate and Jose cheering me on, boosting me when I needed boosting. I didn't have the familiar space of my room, the robe I have had since high school, the quilt that my grandmother made me before she died. The security of my Beetle, who I left abandoned on the GEH parking lot. Everything I head dear, away from me and everything before me was giant question mark. I was scared to death. In this headspace I was starting to have a better understanding of my mother, and why she ran from anything good, anything that felt too right. My mother would flee from the good and ran to what she knew was wrong. It clicked in my head as to why, because she was scared of being happy, happiness was such a fine and delicate thing. It was so easily destroyed by one wrong move, one wrong step; I guess she thought she was better off destroying it, before it destroys you.
I finally mustered up the strength to lather up some body wash on a washcloth and a wash my hair. I took my time wanting to stay in the shower for as long as I could, I knew after my little outburst Christian wouldn't attempt to join me in here, even though I wished he would.
I could only imagine how hard this must be for him, having to deal with me. He was accustomed to having all the power and control. He was used to saying jump and people saying how high master? Maybe a year ago I would have been that girl, but this version of myself, was of the hell to the no variety. And on some level he must have realized that, he has had many a chance to walk away, to leave before we got in too deep. He came after me, he was looking for me and I was looking for him.
I toweled off, and brushed my wet hair up in to a high bun. I threw on a pair of yoga pants that I had brought from home, and one of the new sweaters that Christian had bought for me. It was a grey cashmere turtleneck, with dolman sleeves. In my mind this outfit was a compromise. I walked through the apartment into the kitchen and was happy to see Gail there.
"Whatcha making Gail?" She smiled her warm smile and brought a spoonful of gooey yumminess to me. My mouth filed with cheese and wine and pasta… It was the best thing I had eaten in a very long time and I realized that I was starving.
"Mac and Cheese, I think a little comfort food is in order. I heard you had a rough few days…" She rested her hand on my shoulder and gave it a good firm squeeze, reassuring me.
"Thanks Gail… and that is delicious… not as good as mine…you know from a box…" She laughed and shook her head as she made her way back to the stove.
"How much did Taylor tell you?" It didn't bother me that he did, if he did. I knew in my gut that Gail and I were going to be really good friends.
"Nothing… He just said that you needed a good meal and an even better nights rest. Ana…" Her tone was pensive, like she knew a line was being crossed and she wasn't sure if she should cross it. "Just because we are involved that doesn't mean he tells me everything. In fact the opposite is true… He refuses to tell me how his hands got all banged up."
"That was for my honor… and pre-emptive strike against Christian's incarceration… Taylor is a good man…" Her eyes lit up when I said that and I realized that she was really in love with him; it wasn't just a matter of proximity.
"He is the best man…I worry about him… what he does is dangerous, very dangerous."
"But he is the best Gail." Christian's voice filled the room. "Or he wouldn't be working for me… Same goes for you…"Gail blushed and smiled.
"Thank you Mr. Grey…" He sat beside me, and rested his hand on my knee and I instantly felt better.
"How was your shower?"
"Lonely…" His raised his eyebrows and smiled. "I am sorry for being such a bitch." I ran my hand over his jawline, as he brought his face closer to mine.
"I am sorry for being such an asshole…" He leaned down and gently pressed his lips to mine, as I snaked my arms around his neck.
"Don't let it happen again Grey…" I attacked his mouth with mine, wanting so much more than a kiss could offer. At some point Gail left the room and we were very much alone.
"Ana, baby…I need you…" He was positioned between my legs that dangled off the stool,
"So take what you need."
"Ana, you would have nothing left. I have a conference call in five minutes." He pulled away from me, leaving me hanging. "Let's resume this later…" He turned his back to walk away
"Christian… Wait…"
"Ana, baby… I haven't been in the office for two days… I run a multi-billion dollar corporation. As much as I would fuck you right now and trust me I would… I have more pressing matters that require my attention…"
"Well, consider me put in my place then Mr. Grey." I leaned back against the stool and folded my arms across my chest. He walked back towards me, leaning down so I could feel his breath ion my face.
"That smart mouth Ana… I am going to fuck it tonight." With that he turned on his heel and left the kitchen leaving me and my inner goddess panting.
Everything felt different; I was sitting on the floor, my back pressed against the sofa, in front of the TV watching re-runs of Diners, Drive-in and Dives, eating a bowl of mac and cheese. I had done this a million times over the years but somehow, everything in this apartment felt different. First off the TV was huge and Plasma, so you could really see everything. It was like I was in Tallahassee eating burgers with Guy. Now something as simple as mac and cheese was turned on its head. Mine came from a blue box and I usually ate the whole thing straight from the pot along with a diet coke. This mac and cheese was all fancy, tasting like real cheese and mustard and wine, not a day-glow orange packet of powdered cheese in sight. Even the plate it was piled on was fancy, it was two plates a smaller white one stacked on top of a glossy black one, and the fork was monogramed with the letter G. My soda was replaced with a cool crisp white wine that melted on my tongue. Even the smallest pleasures in Christian's world were over the top.
"Dining like a bohemian tonight Ana?" Christian walked into the living room wearing a much worn, tattered pair of jeans and a simple tee-shirt, both of which hung off his frame in the most delicious way. He sat next to me on the floor, a plate of food and a glass of wine in hand.
"Is it as good as it looks?" I just nodded, and took another forkful, unable to take my eyes off of him. He really as a thing of beauty, awe inspiring, soul crushing beauty. What made it so much worse is the unalloyed fact that he was so unaware of the far reaching effects of his beauty. He knew that women were drawn to him like moths to the flame but what he didn't know is that it had nothing to do with his deep beautiful eyes, his thick copper hair, the spread of his shoulders, the strength in which he carried his body. It was his tortured soul that drew us all to him, the look that existed behind his eyes. That is what we all wanted him so, to save him. If I knew one thing to be true, there was never a man that needed saving more than Christian Grey. I can't imagine a better reason to endure his darker side then that. We all lived for this far-fetched possibility that this man would fall in love, a great all-consuming love. That we would know the warmth of his love, the kind of love that would stand the test of time, space and distance. The hope that maybe just maybe we could be the recipient of this man's love, knowing he didn't give it easily, if at all. And by "we" I mean anyone coming in contact with him.
My heart was aching just looking at him, as he lazily ate his dinner and drank his wine, watching the TV.
"Ana, stop staring at me and eat…" I was total busted and I blushed.
"I… I can't help it…you look so different tonight in jeans and a tee-shirt, the corporate Christian is nowhere to be found." He raised his eyebrows and finally turned his eyes to meet mine.
"Ana, if you don't stop biting your lip…"
"What are you going to do to me?" I sat up a little straighter, cocking my head with a defiant smile.
"What do I want to do is different than what I am going to do." I raised my brows in question, and took a sip of my wine. "I want to take you into my playroom Ana and spank that smug look off of your face and then I want to fuck your smart mouth. But what I am going to do… is to take you to my bedroom and fuck your smart mouth and then make you come." My entire body flushed at the thought, first of being in the red room and Christian doing with me what he pleased, and the equally pleasing thought of him fucking me in his bed.
"What about what's behind door number three Mr. Grey…"
"Is there a door number three Miss. Steele?"
