We have been walking around for what feels like hours. If we weren't stranded in the middle of nowhere I could enjoy the green and gold beauty of this place. The sun is getting lower and lower in the darkening sky and my mood is descending just as quickly. We won't have the safety of the helicopter to sleep in tonight and even though we took a scratchy olive green blanket along with us I am still nervous about sleeping out here in the wilderness with nothing, not even a utility knife to protect us.
My body aches from head to toe, my back is almost numb and my ribs are sore to the touch. My head is throbbing and I feel just on the edge of dizzy but thankfully I am warm. I was grateful that I had packed warm clothes, thick socks and sneakers for the weekend. It's a good thing I asked what to pack because I could have very easily had a suitcase full of curve hugging dresses. lace panties and swimsuits.
My belly is empty, I can feel the hollowness and wished I would have eaten more then yogurt and granola the day we left. I keep forgetting to eat. With everything going on food is low on my list of priorities. My lips and mouth are getting dry but we are trying to conserve the few bottles of water we had in the helicopter. I know my hunger and thirst this is a cause of concern for Christian, he has asked me a hundred times if I was okay. I know he hates the idea of anyone being hungry or thirsty, and I know that if I am feeling the emptiness in my belly and the dryness of my tongue he is too.
Christian is is hyper alpha mode. Eyes darting around at every noise, leading us through the trees and brush, he even threw me over his shoulder to cross a small stream. I know that act of valor caused him some pain but he seems to be fighting through it. It is now clear to me that he has no idea what he is doing or where were are going. I have tried to help him, Ray has taught me well. I know how to follow the sun, to leave markers, and I know how to read a map. Everytime I open my mouth to speak he silences me, it's patronizing and after we pass the same rock for a second time I have had enough.
"STOP waking Christian." I bellow out pulling my hand free from his. He turns quickly suprised by the tone in my voice.
"Ana are you hurt?" I can see he is concerned and I can only imagine what is running through his mind but I have reached my limit. My head is throbbing, my neck and back are sore, my jaw feels tingly and numb. My feet are aching and because of Mr. Master of the Universe himself we are no closer to safety. No closer to home after hours and hours of useless walking.
"I am fine! Just fine! You on the other hand, are totally lost! I am done following you in circles. You have no clue what you are doing right now. Ray taught me well. We need to go north and you are hell bent on taking us in circles south! Now give me the map Christian." His face contorts in a hundred different ways as I speak and I know he is getting angrier by the word.
"I am more then capable of finding my way out of here!" I raise my hands, and he stops talking.
" You don't know everything! You can't control everything either! We need to go north, the sun needs to be at our left. Now give me the map!" I grab at it in vain, he is too quick and smirks at me but then he winces in pain. I know his shoulder is killing him, he tied it up with a pair of my leggings and took a handful of Advil that I had in my purse.
"Ana, baby... Listen to me..."
"No I am done listening to you. You're the reason we are in this mess I the first place." His eyes go wide at my accusation and his entire stance changes. I know that I should be afraid, but I am not. " I asked you a thousand times to do normal things with me! Go to a movie, do some shopping, maybe a day at the beach. But nooooo you had to fuel up a chopper and go on a sunset flight! And not for nothing, you should have turned Hyde over to the police. But nooooo you had to be in control of everything."
"I was trying to keep you safe from him Ana." I can't help but laugh at the absurd lens in which he looks at life.
"Really? REALLY! How safe do I look right now! It was not about my safety it was about your need to control everyone and everything around you. It was about Lelia and that whole mess that get swept under the rug. It was about you Christian. You. Hyde should be in jail not out there plotting against us. Would it have sucked having to turn over the videos, yes. Would I have been scared in court telling the story of what it he did to me, yes. But I would have survived. You had to go and buy the company, fire him and let him go! You are not the law or the judge and jury."
I can see the rage building in him, it is even more potent than his fear. I know I should stop. I know that I am going too far but God help me I can't stop myself.
"No you are going to listen to me from here on in. Give me the map!" He eyes turn dark and I want to wither in their gaze but something deeper in me refuses to back down. He straightens his shoulders, I can see the change in his stance, his legs right and shoulder width apart.
"No." One word is all I get and it sends a chill through my body. His voice is firm and even, bordering on detached and I know that I am seeing the dominant Christian, truly for the first time. He turns on his heel dismissing and begins walking in the direction that I told him to.
I feel completely at a loss, marginalized and ignored. I feel like I don't really matter, like I am just a toy that he can do what ever he wishes with. And if I am being honest with myself I have felt that way for a very long time. For all the good he has brought into my life there has been a great price. A few short months ago I was a simple girl with a simple life. I know who I was, I knew my place in the world and maybe I wasn't special or important or loved but I was me. I was Ana Steele. And that was good enough. I was not unhappy, I was not content but I was firmly planted in my existence. I had roots, deep roots. Granted Christian had given me wings but when I took flight I left so much of myself behind.
So now here we are lost together, the metaphor is too great to miss. And the worst part is I could help find out way out and like everything else Christian won't allow me to truly fly. He gave me the wings, told me am was worthy of them only to lock me in a very pretty well appointed cage with a view of the sky.
Something inside of me shifts, I can feel it move ever so slightly and I know it will never be the same again. I close my eyes tightly and try to recall the path back to the helicopter in my head. I can double back there, get a safe and good nights rest and start fresh in the morning. It's at least a three hour walk back, but I am confidant I can do it. Christian has all the supplies, but there are lakes and streams for water and I think I saw some wild ramps growing on the way here. I wanted to stop but Christian wouldn't allow that either. I watch as his figure gets further and further away. He is slowing his pace now, waiting for me to join him. Part of me wants to, I would follow him anywhere of he just gave me a moment of true consideration. But I know that will never happen because I am nothing more than a possession. Who cares what a car or apartment wants?
I take a deep breath, and turn around and begin walking towards the crash site and away from him.


Spoiled, immature, childish, little wretch. Who the fuck does she think she is talking to me this way. Just walk away Christian. Just walk away. Arguing won't solve this. She is acting foolishly. I can feel my entire body tighten and shift with each barbed word that spills out of her pretty little mouth. I can't help myself as I allow my Dom stance to take over. I want to tell and scream back but years of discipline keep my face neutral and my tone passive.
She orders me to hand over the map and despite my better judgement I cannot do it. She may be right about which direction we should be waking but all her accusations about Hyde have made it so I can't back down. I won't.
"No." The look of shock on her face makes me feel like I slapped her, hard. She looks defeated and crest fallen. I don't think I have ever been so angry at another human being in my entire life. Bringing up Hyde was one thing but Lelia, well that was a low fucking blow. I turn in my heel and start to walk away. It's for her own good because I feel like I am going to explode. I think about continuing the way I was going but Ana is right. I wait to here her foot falls behind me but they don't come. So I slow my pace. I know how stubborn she I and I can only imagine what is going through her head. A minute passes maybe two and I turn to find that Ana is walking in the opposite direction. My heart drops into my stomach as a jog towards her. This girl is fucking insane. It will be dark in a few hours time and I have all the supplies.
"Ana where the fuck are you going?" I call out to her hoping she will turn around. Instead she walks quicker, nearly a run away from me. I pick up my pace every movement racking my body with pain. "Ana stop!"
She yells out something that I can't understand but I know it's nothing nice. I am right on her heels now and I grab her elbow pulling her body to a halt.
"Let me go!" She struggles to be free of me to no avail. I tighten my grasp around the flesh of her arm, knowing full well there will be bruises. She winces in pain but I don't let her go.
"Where do you think you are going?"
"Back to the crash site. Let me GO!"
"Are you out of your mind!?"
"No. I am perfectly in my mind. It's late. I'm exhausted. We have been walking in circles. We are losing the sunlight. It's going to get cold. We need shelter. The site is three hours away. So that is where I am headed. You can do what ever you want. God knows you will never listen to me. But this is what I am doing. Tomorrow I will start again, hopefully after a good nights sleep. Now let go of my arm or do I need to safe word for you to release me?"
Her last words cut me like a knife and I let her go. She quickly turns and begins her trek towards the helicopter and all I can do it follow her. Topping from the bottom yet again.
We walk for hours in silence, only the sound of the wind and breaking twigs beneath our feet to fill the empty space. She stops every so often and pulls leafy green plants from the ground until she has a full bushel under her arm. Then she leads us off the path ever so slightly to a small brook and rinses all the dirt off the plants. She looks up at me, kneeling beside the water.
"Ramps, kind of like an onion or a leek. Editable." I can't help but be impressed by her knowledge. "We shouldn't drink this water though." She stands up and shakes the ramps dry and then dusts off her pants. She walks past me without another word an we are back to the silence of nature.
With only my thoughts to keep me company I know there is some hard truth to all she has said. Perhaps I should have just turned Hyde over to the police. But I believed it would be best to try and contain the situation. I didn't want to bring anymore attention my Ana and our relationship and I wanted to be I control. I should have had more foresight into the kind of man Hyde was. For all my money and security there was always a crack in the wall. Always a place where someone could slip through. Lelia was able too and now Hyde.
And Ana is right, she is no safer now despite all my efforts. I often think I should have left her alone that day sitting in that chair reading Withering Heights and not eating her lunch.
We finally reach the site in just over three hours, like Ana said we would. I can see her relax the moment she sees the helicopter. The sun is just setting and is basking her figure in orange and gold light.
"Looks like you were right." I shout out.
She turns to me slowly a look of sheer disgust on her face.
"Yeah, I'm right about a lot of things, you just never listen."
With that she hops into the helicopter shutting me out for the rest of the night.