Hello readers,

It has been a very long time since we spent any time together, though I promise you have not been very far from my mind. I've had a rough year. I won't bore you all with the details but writing became impossible and a huge source anxiety so I took some time away. Thank you to everyone who has sent me positive and encouraging messages this past year. I can't tell you how much getting those alerts from FF made the difference between a good day and a bad one. I can't say for sure if I will be posting weekly like I used to but I am committed to finishing Fifty Ways, Edge of the Night and Darkness and White. The remaining stories are taking a back burner until I catch up.

I have been thinking about making a YouTube video, I have done so in the past and got really great feedback from you guys, I read a chapter of Darkness and White and gave some background on the story. So if you have story you would like me to read a chapter of, any questions about the stories, me, FSOG please leave a review or PM me. I am also really active on Facebook you can find me with my temporary pen name of Erin Perhaps Quinn and Erin P. Quinn on YouTube.

Thank you all again for reading and staying interested. I really appreciate it!

-Erin

People don't really change, they just show you more of who they truly are and less of who they want to be. In my twenty-three years I have come to find that everyone wears a mask to hide the parts of themselves that scare them the most. But more importantly they wear a mask to hid the things they are most ashamed of. That was my motto, the psalm I would draw on anytime someone new entered my life or more commonly anytime someone established in my life had let me down. It was the glass wall that helped me keep my distance. They could see me but they could never touch me. They could hear me but never really know true unfiltered sound of my voice. They could know me, but only the small pieces I was willing to share. The glass wall kept me safe, it kept me protected and it kept me focused on all my goals. It was how I lived my life, keeping others at arm's length and in that process I think I lost myself. I became a shadow of Ana, moving along through my life but feeling nothing.

That was the unnerving thing about Christian. Right off the bat he showed me who he was, all the good, the bad and the ugly. Well with the exception that he called himself Chris and hid the fact who he was for a few days. But after that hurdle, there was no pretense. No mask. He was who he was and in the ultimate twist, over time he showed me more of who he wanted to be, not less. He was the abused boy, the scared child, the angry teenager, the obedient sub, the aloof dominate, the millionaire, the brother, the son, the self-loathing man, my Chris. Reluctantly he allowed me in, he wasn't afraid to be angry, or bossy. It showed me his darkness, his past and his desires. The need to tie women up and work them over with a leather crop, the stubborn CEO who never back away from what he wanted. He showed me his kindness and his quiet self. His need to keep me safe, his kindness to Olivia. And because of that I was able to take my glass wall away. If he was able to strip away all that had been done to him, all that he had done, why couldn't I? And so I did. I took away my glass wall and let him her me, I let him tough me and I let him know me. Truly know me. And it allowing that I came to know myself in a way I didn't realize was possible. To truly see yourself and to allow yourself to be seen, to be afraid of it and do it anyway. That is what trust is. And I knew that I trusted him. He was the only person in my life that I truly did. Because he didn't hide his feeling from me, even when he knew I wouldn't agree. Even when he knew it could end us. He always told me the truth. And that is what matters and that is why I stay because loving someone means loving all the parts of them. Even the ones you don't like very much. Now, there is a limit to this of course. But I truly believe that he is my path and this is where I am supposed to be.

So, I knew that even though he was saying no now, saying he didn't want children or a family, just beyond that glass wall of fear and self-hate, I could see that Christian wanted a family. I saw it first with Mia, their bond and then I saw it with Olivia. He just needed time, and he was right, I was young - too young to be thinking about a family. I wanted to focus on my work with Peyton and travel the world with the man that I loved. Who wouldn't want to do that? Wake up in a Parisian hotel, naked beside a man like Christian. Walk the streets of Rome, tour the gardens of Japan. There was a world out there for us. And it was all possible. We would have time for babies and sleepless nights of fevers and tears. For now, I could choose Christian because I knew one day we would find our common ground and then we would have everything.

In the back of my mind I did wish and hope that maybe there was a glimmer that he and I could raise Olivia as our own. It is a fools dream. The attachment I felt towards her was almost as strong as the love I felt for Christian. I couldn't explain it, I couldn't ignore it and I couldn't stop it if I tried. It simply was and it was best to just accept the feelings and be grateful for them. Fighting love, battling emotion has never worked, ever. You need to be open and let the chips fall where they may. That was one thing I have learned from loving Christian. The art of letting go and the craving for trust. I never trusted anyone, not a single person but I wanted to so badly. It was the missing piece to my life. Without it you have nothing. So I have learned to trust myself, trust love, trust faith and to trust Christian. From that everything is possible.

"I choose you Christian, I choose you." The words were so easy to say. How could I not choose him? He had saved me from myself. He saved me from the long lonely days and nights of feeling unworthy and unloved. That voice in my head telling me I was not enough; not smart enough, not pretty enough, not worthy of love. My whole life I had never known love. I know my parents love me in the way parents love their children but honestly I always felt in the shadow of their bad choices and sometimes even an afterthought. I had never really been put first by another person until Christian. He had shown me that no matter what people stay, even when you try your hardest to push them away. For a girl who had always been left behind, it was a revelation to know he would always be there. That he would never turn his back on me. There was a moment after the Jose incident where I wasn't so sure. And looking back on it now, I think I was pushing him away, trying to see if he would leave. Putting that glass wall up once again to see if he would break it or just leave. But he didn't leave, he was angry and hurt and downright pissed and he still loved me and fought for me. His love never waned nor did his commitment. He said things in anger, but never once did I really believe that he would leave me.

We have been through so much, too much over the past few months. There has been such a distance between us, so much happening, so much of it out of our control. This crash is the ultimate metaphor for our lives. Flying high and crashing swiftly but surviving together. The distance had been physical and emotional, and despite that I don't fear him leaving me. I know no matter what he will love me and he will stay. There is no contract between us. No ring binding us together. Just trust and love and the hope that we will ride out this storm together.

There was been this wedge between us, this anger I feel for him that won't go away. After the fight we had over the baby misunderstanding I just can't bring myself to let him touch me. I know it's silly and childish. But his words cut me so deeply. I felt invisible once again. Like my wants didn't matter and all he saw was a problem that needed to be fixed. That is what hurt so very much and I never thought he could or would make me feel like that. So I am battling what I know to be true versus my feelings that are based off of years of feeling like nothing. It hard to let get of all that self-doubt. I realize now these weeks that my wall has been up and he has given me the space that I have needed. I think he has needed space too. I don't know where life is going to lead us but I have faith that it will take us together.

"I choose you Christian." I press my lips to his in the darkness, I have missed his mouth and his hands on my body. His good arm wraps around my waist, the other is still injured and bound by my leggings. I pull his hand away and shake my head no. He tries to hold me again and one more I uh his hand away. I knot my fingers in his hair and pull his head back, our eyes meeting in the darkness and he growls. I want him. I always want him but now after all that has happened today I realize that all we really have is now. All we have is this. I take over the kiss, I don't allow him to set the pace. I am choosing him not the other way around. I feel powerful as his cock hardens beneath me. Resting my hands on his shoulders, he winces in pain and I grind against him. Somehow all my pain and aching sore muscles fade away and I am left with nothing but desire and adrenaline.

"You're mine Christian." I kiss him, hard, biting his lower lip as I pull away. I pull on his belt and in a frenzy I open his zipper and manage to tug his pants open. I want to feel his hard cock in my hands, I need to feel it. It has been so long. I stroke him from base to tip, his cock is smooth and taught like a leather hide over a drum. "This is mine." I take him in my mouth and I hear a hiss scape through his teeth. I take my time teasing him with my tongue and teeth, taking him deeper and deeper into my mouth until the head of his cock pops into my throat. His hand is in my hair pulling tightly, he is saying my name over and over. I can feel him clench and know if I don't slow down he will cum. I am so wet and I need him inside of me. I give his tip a last lick and then I stand up, looking down at him slowly stroking is slippery cock, as I peel off my pants and panties into a heap on the floor.

I straddle him and he runs his cock along my seam, across my clit and it sends a surge through my entire body. I slide him inside of me until I am full and I begin to ride him hard, bouncing up and down on his cock. It is so different than all the other times we have been together. Maybe because his injured arm is tied up in my leggings and he does not have use of both his hands, maybe it is the moonlit darkness, or the fact that I am finally the one in control or the fact that we are both in pain. I feel the power of this moment and I think he does too. His head is back leaning against the wall of the plane. His eyes are closed, his breathing deep, his good hand is resting on my hip but his is not guiding me. My hands are on the wall behind his head, bracing me. I am right on the edge of cumming, I can tell he is holding back trying not to cum.

"Look at me Christian." He looks up, his eyes are on fire. "Cum with me." His arm wraps around my waist and my arms around his neck. In a few desperate thrusts we cum together. I know I am screaming and thankfully we are in the middle of nowhere and cannot be heard. He moans and then growls that I am cumming so hard that I could break his cock off. And then I feel him explode inside of me and I slack against him exhausted.

"Holy Fuck, Ana. You just nearly killed me."

"I would have been good death, Christian. A very good death."

We wake up the next morning, fully clothed and huddled together in the cold morning air. We managed to make a sleeping area with some blankets and a few items of clothing but we were both shivering. I hated that feeling of waking up cold and hungry. I promised myself a long time ago that I would never allow myself to feel this way again but here I am and I have taken Ana with me. I swear on everything that I am and everything that have that when we get out of here I will do everything in my power to keep Ana out of harm's way. She is right I am too reckless; I forget that my money cannot fix everything. I forget that the days of testing my limits and seeking the thrill of death are no longer a necessary part of my life now that I have Ana. Why did it take a fucking helicopter crash to figure that out I will never know?

Today will be a fresh start for Ana and me. We will navigate ourselves out of this mess and wipe the slate clean. We have both realized that Olivia is a he part of our lives but she is best suited for a life with my parents. Ana is too young and not ready for the rigors of parenthood especially for a child like Olivia that needs a very structured life and I am never going to be father material. With that hurdle crossed and in our rear view I think we can get through anything. We have so much to look forward to now that I have bought us a new house, Ana is happy at work, we can get settled and maybe take some time and travel after the wedding. We can design the new house and do all that normal shit Ana wants to do, buy sofas and art work. Hell, maybe even a fucking dog.

I also realize that Ana is not as helpless and clueless and I made her out to be. I forget that she had a life and experiences before. I have invented this girl who only came into existence the moment she walked into the lobby of my building and that is just not true. She had a job, went to school, had friends, went camping and hunting, she danced and kissed a boy or two, she was assaulted by Hyde, too care of her mother. There is more to Ana than what I even realize and even more that I will thankfully come to realize.

"Are you awake Christian?" Her voice is soft and tinged with pain.

"Yeah, baby. I am."

"It is so cold."

"I know. The sun is almost up. It will get warmer soon. Are you in any pain?"

"Everything hurts." She stretches a little and winces in pain. He sends a pang straight into my heart. We should get going. I want to see about catching some fish and the early bird gets the worm." I chuckle at the thought of Ana catching a fish but I don't doubt her ability to do it. Not anymore. We rise slowly knowing that we have a day ahead of us. We have no food, no water and no guarantee that we will be home by nightfall. It hits me like a ton of bricks.

"Ana, we should take the blankets, just in case." She looks solemn and nods in agreement. "We can do this together, with your sense of direction and my stubbornness we will make these woods rue the day they ever tried to keep us." She smiles then, broadly and the air around us changes. We are going to do this as a team. We begin our walk, Ana and I constructed a backpack of sorts out of the rolled blankets and the seatbelts from the chopper. We had a Poland spring water bottle, Altoids mints and some wires that Ana pulled out of the cockpit to fashion a make shift fishing line. We have my dislocated shoulder and broken ribs, Ana's limping, I am fairly certain that we both have concussions and fucking like animals in the literally wild did nothing for all the bumps and bruises covering our bodies. There is something about a near death experience that puts the need for fucking in the forefront of your desires. God knows that's why I have always chased death in every glider, chopper, and fight I could find.

I knew I missed fucking Ana, but I didn't realize how much until I came inside her last night. I promised myself that we would near have this distance between us again.

We walked together for a few hours, side my side, her small hand in mine. We had no luck catching a fish, but Ana found more ramps and while they were sharp in flavor they were better than nothing. It was a beautiful day, if we were just hiking for the fun of it, this would have been the perfect day to do it. The sky was blue, the air crisp, the sun high in the sky but filtered by the tress above us. It was slow moving, we were both exhausted, and hurting more and more with each step. We took a few breaks here and there and talked idly about simple things. The first time Ana caught a fish – she was nine, to this day Ray says it's the finest fish he ever ate. I told Ana about the early days of my company and how I built my empire out of thin air and strong will. It was the easiest we have ever been around one another and I wanted it to last.

"Ana….. Christian…." I could hear the muffled voices off in the distance calling our name. Ana clutched my hand harder and pulled me towards the source of the sound.

"We are here!" I called out. "Over here" The voices got louder and relief washed over me when Taylor and Sawyer came through the clearing, surrounded by two park rangers and a medic.

"They found us Christian! We are safe!"

We were less than four miles to our on salvation, Ana was leading us the right way and wasn't that always the case. We drove in silence to the hospital, where Taylor assured us my family was in wait. The news coverage reported us dead last night and likened our demised to that of JFK Jr. Taylor filled me to all we had missed. The fear and anguish of my family was the hardest to her, the panic at GEH was a close second. I fill Taylor on the chopper and how the engines burst into flames. Once again Hyde getting the better of us. How the fuck is this happening? He is one man and yet he keeps slipping past us. Taylor thinks he has some inside intel and has changed every man on our detail with the exception of Sawyer. He also reached out to a mercenary that he knew once upon a time and promises that it is only a matter of time before Hyde slips up. Ana has fallen asleep in the crook of my arm, I decide to focus all my attention of her. The family and the business can wait.

We arrive at the hospital and I wake Ana gently. All her strength and fortitude withered away the moment my team appeared in the woods and I was reminded that while Ana is strong she is also fragile.

We walk wrapped up in one another arms don the long sterile hallway. We turn a corner and I see my family just a few yards away and it hits me how much I love them. And then in an instant everything changes. It took a few seconds and my life as I knew it was over. Calling out to Ana.

"Momma, Momma" Olivia ran down the hallway, tears streaming down her face. Ana wiggled from my grasp, and ran towards Olivia, arms outstretched. Olivia lunged into her waiting arm and they both crumbled on to the floor. I couldn't take my eyes off of them as Ana eased Olivia's fears as she cried that Ana could never leave her again.

"Momma Ana, please…" She cries into Ana's neck, Ana smooths her hair rocking her back and forth. Grace appears wrapping her arms around me, she smells like familiar candy and I allow her to hold me no worries as to where her hands are. There is a flurry of activity around me but all I can see is Ana and Olivia and then I hear Ana promise that she will never leave Olivia again.