A/N - Thank you for everyone who reviewed. I really truly appreciate the time you invest in reading and to give me some feedback. There was a handful of you that had valid concerns about me continuing based upon the start date of this story and I hear you. I will do my very best to see this second half to the end. All I ask is that you keep reviewing. Up until now i have used the books as a guide but going forward we are going to be going off canon. Hyde and Elena are gone, Christian is not running GE, Ana is not living in Seattle. It's a whole new world. I hope you enjoy it and if you have any thoughts about where you would like to see our favorite couple go please let me know. Some of your reviews really helped shape this chapter. Thank you again

PPP

The ocean in Panama was the color of Ana's eyes when she was happy, a pale but electric blue that flickered with the golden light of the sun. The oceans of Brazil were a darker aqua lined with a deep navy, those oceans reminded me when she was angry. The water around Texas was a deeper bluish gray, Ana's eyes in the morning with the sunlight just peeking through the windows. Every morning I would wake up to a different shade of blue as the ocean stretched out before me and each and every sea reminded me of Ana. Fifty shades of blue. Fifty shades of Ana. And I was still fifty shades of fucked up.

The days after the incident at Escala I found myself trapped in my own mind. A prison filled with memories of my birth mother, Grace, Elena, the subs, Leila, and Ana. Every act of kindness, sadness, pain, disappointment, fear, love and loathing all became one thought that replayed over and over in my head. I couldn't separate one from the other and I felt like I was going crazy. I was not sleeping, food was an afterthought and copious amounts of whiskey I was consuming only made it worse. Flynn said that it was post traumatic stress disorder and that I needed to deal with what was going on in my head in a real way. I had spent many years with him just dealing with the surface issues but never really touching upon my true dealing with the abuse I as a small child and with Elena. He was convinced that I was frozen in amber as that fifteen year old boy full of rage and pain, that emotionally I never grew past that point. I used it as a crutch and I would hide behind my wealth, my business, my need for control and push the things that made me uncomfortable aside. He was not wrong, thought it took me nearly three months on the open sea to admit that fact.

I felt like my life was suffocating me. That I was once again being held down by a man twice my size and being burned by the end of his cigarette. All the responsibility of my work and my family, the control that I craved, the media and the lawyers, finally became too much and I was completely out of control. For the first time in my life there were no secrets. My mother knew about Elena and my lifestyle with subs. The world knew too and somehow I felt less ashamed. The fear of them finding out was gone and all I had to deal with was the fall out. The media had their fun. The cops had their investigation. The lawyers had their say. My family was shocked and hurt. My business relationships bruised but not broken. It was only Ana's opinion that mattered and I knew she would never forgive me for what happened and for all the drama and pain I brought into her life. I also knew that I couldn't live my life without her. When I met here she was a clean slate, and I destroyed it with every bad decision.

That day in the garden at the Kavanaugh's estate was the turning point. I had tried to control Ana from the moment I met her. I twisted us both in knots trying to keep her safe and make her mine. But love is an uncontrollable force and Ana is an uncontrollable woman. She was more than capable of keeping herself safe which she proved to me time and time again - The hotel with Hyde, defending herself and giving him another good kick before she ran away. The limo with Taylor knowing just from sight that he was carrying a gun. Her skills after the crash, knowing what we needed to do. And finally her perfect aim when taking down Hyde at Escala. I was the reason she had been in danger, my efforts to control her life by firing Hyde set the ball in motion. I had made this all happen and I knew deep down Ana blamed me. How could she not? In the few sessions we had with Flynn she lied and said that she didn't. But I knew Ana better than anyone and I could see how she really felt. When she told me she was moving across the country every part of me wanted to command her to stay but I knew that was not what she needed. It was not what I needed. Flynn hit the nail on the fucking head, we were not emotionally equipped to be in a relationship together. We never were and the events over the years we spent together only made it worse. Loving someone one truly is not enough and we both had a ton of work to do.

When Ana was gone my life seemed so empty. Those moments at the Kavanaugh's were the last we would spend together and the entirety of my life reminded me of Ana. She was everywhere. There was only one thing that I could do and that was to leave. Get as much distance between myself and all the things that stopped me from moving forward with my life. So I decided that what I needed was isolation. I needed to be detached from the distractions. I handed my company over to Roz, sent Grace an email, bought a small sailboat and set sail from places unknown. It seemed dramatic, I know. But I couldn't see any other way around it. Everyone was asking question after question. I kept repeating myself over and over. I just needed to completely unplug and let it all go. And so I did. The first few days were strange. I didn't have a computer or a working cell phone. It was just me and the open water. I had a plan to spend some time in various locations. Panama, Brazil, Belize. I didn't really have an end point but I knew that one way or the other I was headed to Boston. I didn't think it would take me a year. I thought a month, maybe two and I would have my shit together. I didn't really even intend to spend that much time on the water. If I would have known I might have bought a bigger boat. But the more I worked on things, the more I realized how much more work I needed to do. I hate to call it a spiritual journey, it sounds so fucking lame. But that is exactly what it was. It was me and my thoughts and my fucking feelings. I allowed myself to really go back to the beginning and work though it all. Whenever I was in port I would have calls with Flynn to talk about all my feelings and my progress. He was my one touch point. He had me keeping a fucking journal and reading books.

The old me would have thought the new me was a pussy - and he was right but I didn't care. I needed to figure out what the fuck my life was going to be and what road I was going to take. I did know one thing for sure, that any road I followed would lead me back to Ana and all of Ana's roads would lead back to me. I took a chance that we could survive the distance and hoped that she wouldn't find someone new. I knew there was no one else for me, Ana was it. The idea of another woman in my life or in my bed was unthinkable. But for Ana I was not so sure. I had lived a life before Ana, a sorted life with other women. She had only really known me and in some ways Hyde. Maybe she would want something or someone simple, a man like Jose. A man who could give her all the things I could not. Jealousy was something Flynn and I were working on. It was a difficult thing for me to let go of. But I forced myself to think of Ana with other men and one day the anger and rage dissipated to a feeling of acceptance. I did worry that when I returned that Ana would not be waiting for m but if she was I would have to accept it.. A year was a very long time and when I asked her to wait, I truly believed that only a few weeks would separate us. But I knew if she was in love with someone new I would accept it because she deserved to be happy. I was in Boston for three days before I worked up the nerve to knock on her door, I wasn't sure what I would find on the other side of the door.

"Christian." She was clearly shocked to see me standing there. Her dog sat beside her, quietly glaring at me. He was huge, clearly a mutt with a good dose of husky, thick white and copper colored coat and deep blue eyes. Her voice started to tremble a bit as she struggled to find words. "I can't believe you're here." She stepped closer to me and without a moment of hesitation she wrapped her arms around my neck and pressed her body against mine.. My heart stopped at her touch and I realized just how much I had missed it. I wrapped my arms around her waist and everything faded away. I don't know how long we stood in her doorway like that. We were both muttering soft words of how we missed one another. It felt so good to hold her again, to be held by her. The moment was broken by a timer in her kitchen and she pulled away inviting me in. Her apartment was sweet and warm, pale and soft. She was clearly very settled in and the place looked like Ana. Every detail was simple and elegant.

"Let me just get this out of the oven. Have a seat." She pointed to the small dining table. Her dog didn't take his eyes off me. He sat maybe six inches away from my thigh and every so often let out a growl letting me know who was boss.

"Teddy, cut that out!" She reappeared with a large plate of nachos and two beers, placing them out on the table. "What do you think of my new security team?" She snapped her fingers and Teddy walked over and sat himself beside her. She ruffled his thick fur on the top of his head and he finally laid down on the floor at her feet.

"He's quite the upgrade. You have him well trained. I can't believe you got a dog."

"I didn't plan on it, he kinda found me and now I couldn't live without him."

"You do love strays, don't you Ana?" She chuckled and nodded. "How did he find you exactly?"

"I was here maybe a month and it was really hot for June. This poor guy was hanging around the neighborhood for a while, I'm told. I put a bowl of water out for him and some food. After that he just started guarding me. I would leave in the morning and he would be sitting outside my door. Then he would start following me to work and waited until I left for the day. For awhile I thought you sent him here. Anyway that went on for a week or so and then I gave up and took him in. The vet says he's about two. I literally have done nothing to train him. He just knows…"

"That's amazing. I wish I would have sent him. I should have. It would have been a comfort knowing you had someone watching your back while I was gone."

"Christain, I am okay. I don't need you to keep me safe."

"I know, I know. Old habits die hard. You look great by the way. I love your hair." Her long locks were gone and replaced with a very soft chin length cut. It was softly highlighted with flecks of blonde and she was that perfect state of sunburned and tan. She had gained a bit of weight but in a really good way. Her cheeks were full, her eyes were rested. The haunted gaunt look I remembered was long gone. She was in cut off shorts and an over-sized white tee that fell off her shoulder. She blushed at my complement and ran her fingers through her hair giving it a ruffle. I caught a slight whiff of her shampoo. I wanted to kiss her. It was the single loudest thought in my head. I wanted to grab her, push her against the wall and remind her what we were like together. I wanted to fuck her and make her mine again. That baseline of my personality would never change. My cock was throbbing at the thought and that was just from the smell of her shampoo.

"Thanks. I needed a change and it's so easy to manage. I was never really good at doing my hair." She inhaled deeply and I knew the question was coming. "Tell me where have you been?"

"I've been everywhere. All over. Over two thousand nautical miles and a bunch of stops along the way."

"You seem different."

"How so?"

"Well for starters just how you look. Your hair is longer than mine now. And the beard. You're tan and you've put on weight, muscle. You're in jeans and a tee shirt but you seem so relaxed. Your whole energy is different."

"I feel different. I can't explain it. It's hard to articulate." There was a very long pause between us as we sipped our beers and picked at a few chips.

"We don't have to talk about this all now. Today has been a lot and very unexpected. Let's just eat these nachos and drink these beers. Okay?"

"You don't want to talk about it?"

"Honestly, no. I don't. I have worked on it from my side. You have worked on it from 's just catch up. What is the point of letting what happened then leach into today? "

"Fair point, well made. As always. So, tell me about your life, what have you been getting up to?"

"Well, I'm working for Alchemy Publishing, I love it."

"The place that Peyton set you up with?"

"Yeah."

"Still doing novels?"

"Actually no. I wanted a change. I didn't want to read anything sad or dramatic after everything that happened, I wanted something lighter." I cringed inwardly, the memories of that night flashing in my brain. "I do children's books now and I dabble a bit in cookbooks. It's amazing. The turnaround time is a lot quicker and I have some great relationships with authors. I can bring Teddy to the office. It's a really good place, good people.."

"I'm really happy for you, Ana. I know how much you wanted this. Tell me more. I have a lot of catching up to do. "

"Have you spoken to anyone in the family yet?" I shook my head no. Ana was my first stop. I wasn't ready for my family quite yet. "Grace is so mad at you, she's been really worried. We all have. Carrick I think more than anyone. Your mom retired, she just teaching now so she could spend more time with Olivia."

"Wow, she retired. That's something."

"It was a lot for her after you left. She was still reeling from the whole Elena thing, you know? And then Livvy needed so much attention after I left. The first two months were hard on everyone. But Olivia is doing so well now. She's in school, she's playing softball. She has friends, Christian. They have parties and play dates. It's just amazing. She is so happy. It's like a different kid. We Skype a few times a week, she misses you. Be prepared for Grace's wrath when you see her." She chuckled as she said it.

"I can't even imagine Grace being truly angry. I thought about her a lot while I was gone. I knew she would be worried but I know she will understand. Tell me about Mia and Elliott. What are they up to?"

"Mia is in Paris working for a fashion PR firm. She loves it. She sends me samples like once a month, my wardrobe is very grateful. Your mom is worried she will never come home. She is dating a model and is quite smitten. You'll meet him at the wedding."

"Mia is getting married?"

"No, sorry. My bad. Kate and Elliott are engaged. They are getting married in six weeks."

"Wow, married. That's amazing." I felt a little hurt that they would get married without me there. Not that I had any right to be. But it still hit me in a way I didn't expect. It must have read on my face.

"They didn't know if or when you'd be coming back. Elliot really struggled with not having you there. He is going to be thrilled when he finds out you're back. We actually had a really long talk about it last time I was there."

"You were in Seattle?" I was shocked in my mind Seattle would be the last place Ana would ever go to again. I pictured here in Boston, alone and isolated but that was not the case at all.

"I was just in Seattle last week for Kate's shower and a dress a third fitting. I have been back four or five times. The engagement party, wedding planning, dress shopping. Being a maid of honor is a ton of work."

"Are they getting married at the house?"

"No, Italy. Destination wedding. Your mom is so excited. And Kate is in full Bridezilla mode. Elliott is exhausted. It's been a wild ride. Honestly, I can't wait for it to be over."

"I am sure. Kate was a lot in general, engaged Kate sounds like a hurricane."

"That she is. Hurricane Kate."

"How are your parents? Do they still hate me?" I was half joking and half serious.

"They don't hate you, Christian. They just don't like you very much right now. And they are good. Ray moved here like a month after I did. He wanted to keep an eye on me. It's been great having him here we are at Fenway a few times a month. Mom and Bob are still in Georgia. Let's see what else...Taylor and Gale had a baby boy, They named him Adam. He is the cutest thing. He looks just like Taylor. They got married last summer. Wait, did you know they moved to New York?"

"I didn't know that. Why New York of all places?"

"Taylor is working for Gideon Cross now, so they are living in Chelsea. I saw them a few weeks ago. It's not ideal for Sophie but there are only so many billionaires in the U.S. that need military grade security."

"Gideon is an old friend. Smart and very ruthless."

"I've met him and that's a very fair estimation of his character. Taylor is not a huge fan, maybe you can hire him back now that you're home."

"No, I don't think I am going to need security like that anymore."

"What? What do you mean?"

"Well, I have decided not to resume my role at GE. Roz is doing a great job from what I have read. I am still making a shit ton of money with each passing day. I don't need to be there to do it."

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know really."

"You don't know? That does not sound like you at all."

"Another fair point well made, Ana. I will figure it out. A lot of it depends on you."

"On me?"

"Yes, my current plan is to spend some time here in Boston and see what happens. But…" I was scared to ask the question, not knowing what the answer would be. "Is there a man in your life?"

She looked slightly surprised at the question and took a deep breath before answering.

"No, there isn't a man in my life. I have dated a bit. Nothing serious." She dated other men. I was waiting for the wave of jealousy to bubble up as she spoke but it never did."After you left it was hard. The car and the letter… I didn't expect you to be gone so long. No one heard from you. Flynn set me up with a new therapist and after six months of waiting he suggested that I start dating, to open myself up to the possibilities and to get some experience outside of our relationship."

"And did you, gain some experience?"

"A little." She opened her mouth to speak again. "I can explain…"

"Ana, stop. You don't have to explain yourself to me. We were not together. You were free to do what you wanted. I am glad you listened to your therapist but I am also glad that there isn't a man in your life."

"You're not mad?"

"No. I am not."

"What about you? Did you…"

"No. That's not what the last year has been about. There have been no others."

"Oh. Okay. So… Where do we go from here?"

"I would like for us to get back to basics. Start with dinner tonight?"

"I can't…" Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. maybe it was really over.

"I understand, Ana. Its too much, it's been too long…"

"No, Christian. I would love to have dinner with you but I have plans tonight. I am meeting so coworkers and we are going to a book launch. We could maybe do drinks afterwards?" I felt such a sense of relief. "There is a place called The Hawthorne. Why don't you meet me there tonight around 9:00."