A year is a very long time. I think we often take for granted the concept of time, thinking foolishly that we always have more of it. But I had been close to death several times in a short window of time and I knew first hand in those horrifying moments all you want it more time. You see the faces of the people you love and for a moment you feel their pain the moment they realize you

are gone. And that is the worst feeling imaginable. The idea of your mother and father realizing you have been murdered or died in a crash. Your friends, your lover. People think is the fear of your own life and pain and to some degree that is true but for the most part it is the pain of their loss that flashed through my brain. I realized how much I loved them all and how much i wanted to keep them safe and free of sadness and with that I got a peek into Christian's obsession with keeping the people in his life safe. I had a better understanding of his mind now.

I am not going to lie, the first few weeks in Boston were tough. I felt out of place and disconnected. I was still reeling from everything that had happened with Jack and Elena. I missed Christian and Olivia terribly. I fought the urge to go running back Seattle hundreds of times during those first few days. It took a lot of work but I found my place. My co-workers at Alchemy Publishing were great. I had made some friends; Emma, Elizabeth and Clark. We were all in the same age group and we had similar interests and goals. The office was chill and relaxed. The owner, Maggie Albert was a bad ass lesbian who gave zero fucks about what people thought about her. She gave us all the room to take chances and make mistakes. I have learned so much from her about life and publishing. She loves to host events and engage with the readers. There was always something going on in the office. I could bring Teddy in whenever I wanted, which was pretty much everyday.

My dad moved about thirty minutes away so I could see him once a week for dinner or a game. We formed this new relationship as adults and I got to really know Ray as a person and not just my dad. He had met a lovely woman and fellow Sox fan at a game and they were in that perfect new couple stage where everything was fresh and new. It was great to see Ray so happy.

My new therapist, Edward Klein was a godsend. For the first few months I saw him twice a week and having that routine was necessary. He really pushed me to grow and to focus on myself. He wanted me to get out side of my comfort zone and do things that scared me. So I did. I cut my hair. I traveled alone, New York, Seattle, Los Angeles.. I ate in restaurants alone. I went out with new friends. I dated a few men that came across my path. Nothing serious. Dinner and a drink, coffee, bowling.

And then I had Kate and Elliott, Jason and Gale, my mom, Olivia. My life was good, in spite of the bad that had happened. I dream about it all the time. I don't think I will ever forget that night and what was done to me, I don't think it's possible. Being held against your will and beaten, threatened with rape and death. Watching Elena's murder and then killing a man myself. But the dreams are not nightmares, and in every dream I reclaim my power and my purpose. Jack and Elena are dead, probably burning in hell together. Sawyer is in prison for at least the next five years. The ghosts are gone. I choose to not let it define me. I choose to move on and it is all these little choices and experiences began to fill in all the cracks and I learned a lot about myself and what I was capable of. I felt like I had somehow taking everything that had happened in my life and put it to purpose. Every fear, every ounce of pain, every issue I had was confronted either on my own or with my therapist and the world opened up to me in a way I never thought it would. I felt centered and sure of myself, I felt like I knew who I was and what I wanted and needed to be happy. When everything was stripped away, all the drama and nonsense gone, Christian made me happy.

I was not sure how it would all work out but I knew that it would. That we were destined to be together. Our paths were meant to cross and we just needed to work out some of our shit. My therapist was not so sure, he thought I was projecting a fairy tale to justify everything that happened. And maybe to some degree I was. But beyond that, I didn't need a fairy tale, I didn't need saving. I didn't need a white horse or a prince. In fact, that was the opposite of what I needed. All I needed was myself. I wanted Christian and that was the undeniable fact.

I knew he would come for me. I could sense him, long before he stood in my doorway. Every mile that he drew closer my body adjusted. I had dreamed of him in Boston dozens of times but I was not prepared for the actual moment. There he stood in my doorway looking like a totally different man. No suit, no driver, no pretense. It took my breath away. The beard, the longer hair, the tan, the jeans, the smile, the sound of his voice, the wrinkles at the edges of his eyes. It was an assault on my senses. There was more than just the physical change, his whole energy seemed different. He was more relaxed and more self assured - if such a thing were possible. He seemed focused and balanced. He was really present in his body and his mind and I could tell he had done a lot of changing too. Everything I felt for him that first day in the atrium came flooding back. I could feel the energy pass between us even without touching. I wanted more than anything to kiss him. Literally that is all I could think about as he sat across from me at my dining table. My inner goddess was swooning at his every word but my brain kept me at an arm's length. I couldn't allow myself to regress and fall back under his spell. I needed to redefine the relationship, at least that's what my therapist kept telling me. Christian would have to get to know who I am now.

I got ready for my event and took a little extra time getting ready. I wanted to look hot and without Kate nearby to plan my outfit I was on my own. I had thought about face-timing her but Christian had asked that I not let his family know he was back yet. I understood it to some degree. They were going to have a million questions and demands on his time. He just wanted to be for now. But I also knew how eager they were to have him back and how worried they all were. It was hot and humid so I decided on a short black tee shirt dress and black strappy flat sandals. The dress hugged my curves in the right places but I felt like I was wearing pajamas. I kept my makeup minimal and blew out my hair. I wanted it to look sleek. I wanted to look polished and easy breezy. I wanted to look like the best possible version of myself.

Tonight we were launching a romance novel. The writer was plucked from a fan-fiction website and already had a pretty loyal fan base. We had rented out the rooftop deck of the Hotel Commonwealth, that just happened to overlook Fenway Park - my idea. I father and I had stayed there once when I was a kid. We were going for a vibe that matched the energy of the book and the Commonwealth was the perfect place.

I arrived early to help set up and make sure things were running smoothly. It wasn't my launch but it was Emma's first big event. She had found the author. Emma has been a good friend to me over the past year and i knew how nervous she was. I was walking through the lobby when I saw him in the distance getting off the elevator. He smiled when he saw me and shook his head in amusement as he walked towards me. God he looked good. Well worn jeans, a black tee shirt and that was all he needed. I could see the women in the lobby responding to him. There was a hum when ever he was in a room.

"Hello, Ana."

"Hello, yourself. You're staying here?"

"I am. I've been here a few days actually." He had been in Boston for a few days but only came to see me today. That gave me a moment's pause but I am sure he had good reason. "Your book launch is here?"

"Yeah, on the rooftop."

"You look lovely, Ana. Truly."

"Thank you, Christian."

"I've been going by Chris lately. After everything that happened and the media attention, it's just been easier." There was an onslaught on articles and new reports about Christian. The media had a field day. It was horrible how they dragged him though the mud shaping him to be something he was not. There were lawsuits and civil cases. A few of his previous subs came forward and all had kind and positive things to say about him. I think he was surprised by that. He assumed that they believed him to be a monster but they clearly they did not. There were hour long specials about the dark side of Christian Grey. Lifetime was even making an unauthorized movie based on true events.I understood why he felt the need for the change. I had had a few run ins over the past year with the media but for the most part I was just treated as another sub.

"Oh, okay. Chris."

"I have a lot to tell you, Ana. But I don't want to keep you and I have somewhere to be. Are we still good for tonight?"

"Yes, of course. I'll meet you at the bar. If you want, feel free to come to the launch. It starts in an hour."

"Okay, I am meeting someone across town but if we get done early I will swing by."

The event went off without a hitch, the book was going to be a huge success and we were finally winding down as the crowd thinned out. I don't know why I felt sad that Chris didn't show up but I did. I wondered what in the world he could have been doing in Boston and who he was meeting. He had been here for days. I assumed he had been on his boat the whole time but I had a sneaking suspicion that was not the case. Maybe he had been back state side for weeks or months. And he had something to tell me, or many things to tell me.

"Ana… Shots!" Emma called out from the bar of the rooftop, breaking my out of my chain of thoughts. "Last call, come on!"

I watched her from a distance drinking shots with her friends. She looked so carefree and happy. I was worried that the sad broken girl I had left in the garden would remain. But there was no sign of her anywhere. It was just Ana, bright and shining Ana. She was sitting on a bar stool and a tall young man stood beside her, she wrapped her arms around his waist and he rested his head on top of hers. I waited for the pang of anger or jealousy to rise up and when it did I fought it back into the darkness. She took a sip of his beer and they all burst out laughing. She must have made a joke. She was quick and snarky. I was glad to see that part of her personality still remained. I thought about going to join them but I didn't want to disrupt the group with my presence and I wasn't ready to really interact with humans if I could help it. I made my way to the Hawthorne, ordered a whiskey neat, sent a text to Flynn on my new cell phone and waiting for Ana to arrive.

She appeared twenty minutes later with flushed cheeks and a broad smile. She sat beside me at the bar and ordered a sparkling water from the overly eager bartender to jumped to attention at the sight of her..

"So here you are Chris… here we are…" She raised her shoulders and took a long sip of her drink almost emptying the glass.

"Here we are…"

"I know we should do the small talk thing… But we did that earlier… and I am just the right amount of drunk so maybe we should just lay our cards out on the table...and cut the pretense." She had grown over the past year. She was very self assured, in spite of being drunk she was able to carry herself beautifully. The girlish innocence was gone and what remained was a stunning woman.

"Fair point, well made." I was three drinks in myself and didn't have the heart for small talk either. "What do you want to know?"

"Hey beautiful…" The overtly tattooed bartender made another appearance. "Can I get you another drink?" Ana pushed her glass in his direction and said yes and thank you without even looking at him. He looked slightly dejected and filled her glass flexing his arms unnecessarily in the process. Ana rolled her eyes and gave her head a slight shake before she continued.

"Everything? I want to know everything. But for starters where the hell have you been?"

"Everywhere. Panama, Brazil, Texas, Florida and a ton of places in between."

"On your boat?"

"Not entirely, but for the most part. I took my time. I docked when I need to for supplies or a few days of relaxation. I didn't have a plan. I just went where the wind and water took me."

"And were you happy?" I thought about her question before I answered. It deserved more than a false proclamation.

"No, but I was at peace. And peace was the one thing money could not buy me."

"Maybe I can get you something a little stronger, I am an award winning mixologist?" Yet again the bartender who I have named Biff breaks into our conversation. Ana turns to him and he puts his hand over her hand. She quickly pulls it away and straightens her back.

"I'm sorry, But have I indicated to you in any way that I want a drink or anything else? I am clearly here with someone. Look at him for Christ's sake!" She points to me dramatically. He is clearly taken aback and I can see his entire body flex. "You seem like a nice enough meat headed kinda guy but could you please stop." He opens his mouth to speak as I sit there bemused. "You know what, Chris, Let's get a table or better yet, let's go to your room."

"That's a fine idea. Biff, could you please charge the drinks to my room - It's under Chris Stewart. I am staying in The Loft." Ana looks at me confused as we both rise from our bar stools and I throw a twenty down on the bar for his tip. We walk in silence to the elevator and when the doors close behind us we are alone. All of the memories of she and I in an elevator coming rushing back to me and all I want to do is press her against the wall and kiss her. I want to remind her of what we could be together.

"Chris Stewart?" She asks sardonically "Really?"

"Stewart is my mothers maiden name, my real mother not Grace's."

"Oh. I didn't know that."

"I didn't either, I have been doing a lot of work with Welsh. He has been digging into my past."

"That's great, I mean… it is great right?"

"Yes and no. Its a lot to go into and I don't think now is the time or the place."

She fiddles with the hem of her dress and bites her lower lip as the door opens at my floor. We walk in silence down the hallway to my room. I had chosen the loft suite. It has been a while since I have traveled with luxury and I had forgotten how much I enjoyed it. It was very large, light and airy with a view of the stadium a pool table and a floor to ceiling painted brick fireplace in the living area. There was a king size bed hidden behind glass barn doors and a shower that could fit at least four people.

"Slumming it, it see?" I chuckled and offered her a drink. She declined as she sat on the modern cream colored sofa, crossing her long tanned legs.

"Are you back to stay or are you planning to leave again?" Again taken aback by her candor I sat on the other sofa facing her.

"Well, that is up to you, Ana. If you want me to stay I will stay."

"I do, want you to stay. I can't say that I want to go back to what we had before everything happened. I am not the same person I was then. But I want you here with me as a friend and then maybe more. I want to try and figure this out."

"I am glad to hear you say that because I want to figure this out too. I just went to look at an apartment across town. I didn't want anything too close to your place. I am going to put an offer on it."

"You're gonna move here… to Boston?"

"Yes."

"What about GE and your empire?"

"Like I told you the empire is fine without me. I don't want to go back to it. I want to find something new, build something from the ground up. I have a few things in the works but I wanted to talk to you first, make sure you are okay with me being in your city. "

"Wow, I'm in disbelief. I'm happy for you though. If that is what you want. I think it's great. What are you going to do?"

"That's a long story for another day. I am still figuring a lot of it out but when i do you will be the first to know."

"You said earlier that you had a lot to tell me…"

"I do. But we don't need to figure everything out tonight. We can take baby steps. We already know what happens when we do too much too soon."

"What about your family? Are you going to tell them that you are back?"

"Eventually, yes."

"Christian…"

"I just need some more time. I promise you they will know before the wedding and I will be there to wish my brother well."

"Okay, but please don't take too long. I can't lie to Kate." I nod in agreement. "And what about us?"

"Us? I want "us" to start over. I want to take you to dinner and a movie. And date like normal people. I would like to try and love you the way that you deserve not the way that I was comfortable with."

"I would like that, very much."

"Good, I am glad we are on the same page. That almost never happens."

"Look at us, being all communicative."

"Are you free tomorrow?"

"I usually have breakfast with my dad on Sunday but after that I am free."

"Okay, good. I'll pick you up at noon. Dress casual and bring Teddy."