A/N - Thank you for everyone who has been reading and reviewing. I want to give a shout out to those of you who had some solid questions about CG and the direction he was going in. That feedback directly impacted this chapter. xoxo PPP
Christian stood in my door at the strike of noon with a broad smile on his face. He was dressed simply in pale khaki cargo shorts, a white tee and deck shoes. His hair was still damp, fresh out of a shower and he had it slicked back away from his face. I caught my breath, still in disbelief that he was back. I felt like a dream and I didn't want to wake up. I had this pronounced feeling of hope about our future. It all felt like a fresh start and I didn't want to over think anything, I just wanted to be in the moment.
I was dressed just as simply in denim cutoffs, a striped tank and keds. I had an over sized bag full of stuff for Teddy, my sunblock, some water. I had no idea where we were heading and I wanted to be prepared. I also had a heart to heart with Teddy that morning. Letting him know that I trusted Christian and that he didn't have to be over protective. It was a funny thing, I know, but I believe that Teddy really understands everything I say and what I feel. When Christian rang the bell, Teddy didn't bark. He just sat beside the door waiting for me to gather my things.
We drove for a bit in Christian's new black Tesla. I teased him about the extravagance of his new vehicle. Once a multi-millionaire, always a multi-millionaire. He shrugged sheepishly and explained to me all the things the car could do. We only talked about easy things like his car, the beautiful day, Teddy, my job. I told him about a new children's book I was working and that I given advance copies to Olivia and Sophie and how much they loved it. I had so many questions for him but I knew the right time would come and all would be answered.
"Are you taking me on your boat?!" I couldn't help but be excited as we pulled into the marina.
"That I am. Have you ever sailed before?"
"Not really unless you count lake fishing with Ray as sailing." He laughed at my joke and I made me happy that I was able to make him smile.
"It's a perfect day to be on the water, we got a little but of a late start but we aren't going too far."
The boat was smaller than I expected. In my head I envisioned a huge yacht. Not to say that it wasn't lux, it was but I couldn't believe he had spent a year on a boat this size. He told me it was a Catalina 425. It was a warm well worn white and the sail it self was red, white and blue. As we got closer I could read what he had named it. It was painted in a flourish on golden paint and read Steele Will. I could feel his eyes on me as I read it.
"You named your boat after me?" I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. He reached out and brushed his thumb against my cheek wiping the fallen tear away.
"That I did." I rested my cheek against his palm.
"It's beautiful. Thank you, Christian."
"You were never far from my mind, Ana. I know you may have thought that you were but there wasn't a day that went by that I wasn't thinking about you. I just knew I couldn't come back to you the man that I was. Come, lets get her out on the water."
Christian was right, he was not the same man that left me in the garden. He was so different. Last night at the bar he didn't even get involved when the bartender hit on me. I was waiting for him to chime in at any second and threaten the guys life, toss me over his shoulder and carry me away. That level of toxic masculinity was something I had grown accustomed to where Christian was concerned and while I was pleased that he was gone I was also kinda freaked out by it. His extreme dominance was such a huge part of who he was as a person. Can a person really change that much? But then again, a year ago, I might not have stood up for myself. I might have quietly allowed the bartenders advances, said nothing and removed myself from the situation with my tail between my legs. Change is possible.
We sat together eating lunch. Cold crisp salad, yummy sandwiches and a bottle of wine. The water was calm and the sun was shining in the bright blue sky. Again, we passed the time with easy conversation and I watched his with eager eyes as he worked the boat like a master. He was good at everything he did and manning his boat was no exception. The muscles in his legs and arms flexed at the exertion and I couldn't take my eyes off of him, his skin glowed in the sun. Teddy laid beside me, relaxed and enjoying the open sea and air. If I could have stopped time at that moment I would have.
"You look so damn good on this boat, Ana." I blushed at his complement.
"So do you. You were made for this I think. The sun and the ocean. It suits you better than your suit and gray tie. I understand why you didn't come back for a year." His face changed and his eyes darkened a bit at my words, it wasn't anger though, it was sadness. I don't think I have ever seen true sadness in his eyes before. Rage, anger, jealousy - yes. But sadness, no. I felt this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
"It wasn't like this, not at all."
"What do you mean?"
"It was lonely, there sun but there was also rain. Lot's of rain. The purpose of me being way on this boat wasn't to have fun or be happy. It was to be present in my mind and not distract myself from the things that made me love and hate my life. You know, I don't want to ruin it… we don't have to…"
"No, I want to talk about it. We need to or we are just wasting me about your year."
"It started off in my head as a week or two away. There was so much attention surrounding me, so many questions, so many misconceptions. I felt like I was always defending myself. Always on edge. After the day in the garden, I realized how much damage I had done to you. It hit me. I had met this lovely, innocent woman and turned her life into a game of cat and mouse. You could have been killed because of me. So at first it was just an escape. I wasn't running away. In my mind I was doing everyone a favor. You were all better off without me."
"Christian, that's not true."
"Those were some dark days, Ana. I am not going to sugar coat it. I was not in my right mind. I was in California, right on the border of Mexico. There was a storm coming and I had docked the boat. I hadn't been around people for a few weeks and I was sitting in this little shit hole restaurant. Eating shitty food. And drinking shitty coffee. There were couples and children all around me and I felt this sense of emptiness. I can't explain it. I kept replaying the entire year over and over in my head. Every fight we had. Every moment of anger or jealousy. The night at Escala. Everything. I went back to my motel room and I was laying in my bed. My thoughts had thoughts and my mind was racing. Nothing would silence all the voices and all the screaming in my head. The storm started and I kept thinking about taking the boat out and letting the ocean to its will. I was so hyper focused on it. I went as far as going out to the marina in the pouring rain. I was crazy that night, Ana. And then there was this moment of clarity. I can't explain it. Trust me I have tried to explain to Flynn a thousand times. But there was this shift and I knew what I had to do. I went back to the motel room and I called Flynn and told him everything. I didn't hold anything back. We were on the phone for hours. Thank god he picked up at two in the morning." I was crying, uncontrollably the tears were silently falling from my eyes. It was ninety degrees out but I was shivering. Teddy climbed up and covered my legs with his body. We were both silent for a minute or two our eyes never breaking contact before he spoke again. "There is a lot in my life that I am not proud of. I have done and said so many hurtful and stupid things. I have destroyed every good thing in my life and replaced them with bad things. But my biggest regret is you, Ana. and that is why I have worked so hard to change. Last night that bartender... A year ago I would have kicked his ass had him fired, bought his apartment building and had him evicted. But I sat there and I thought about why I would have done that. Why would I be so threatened by a man showing you attention… and the reason was simple… insecurity. My entire life I have been racked with feelings of insecurity and uncertainty. From the time I was old enough to remember. So that's where Flynn and I started. Somehow talking to him over the phone hundreds of miles away was easier. All the money and power and contracts couldn't make the insecurity go away. My family couldn't make it go away, even loving you couldn't. It only made it worse because now I had something to lose. So I tried to have more control. More power. I set things in motion and you suffered the most. The thing I was trying to protect I put in danger. So I had to deprogram myself, well, Flynn had to deprogram me. And that took a lot of time and a lot of work. So what started out as a few weeks…"
"Turned into a year."
"Yeah."
"And now? Are you better now?" He took a few steps closer to me. I could feel Teddy's energy change so gently urged him off my lap and stood up. I reached out and took both of Christian's hands in my own.
"I am. The feelings are still there. The baseline of my personality to be jealous and act out. But now when it happens I stop it. I know what I need to do to stop it. Not to say that it will never happen again because I am sure it will but I do my best. Ana. I still love you and I hope that you still love me."
"I do. I never stopped." I could feel his entire body relax. He exhaled deeply and smiled before he slowly lowered head bringing his lips to mine. Everything feels new and familiar at the same time as his arms envelope me and everything else fades away. I can feel him pressing into my body it had been over a year since either one of us has been intimate and all I want to have Christian inside of me. The last time we were together was that night on the mountain in what was left of his chopper. That seems like a lifetime ago.
"Ana, we shouldn't. Not yet." He breaks our kiss and we are both breathless. I know he is right. My heart wants to tell him to shut up and kiss me but my brain not having it.
"You're right. We need more time." Heart. Brain. Heart. Brain. Heart. It was a battle between the two and in the end my heart won. I kissed him again with all the hope and love and fear that I had been bottling up for a year. I needed him to feel everything I was feeling and words were not enough. His arms tightened around me and his hands found their way to my ass lifting me up as I wrapped my legs around him. I could feel his hardness pressing into me… A year is a very long time. Teddy begins to growl and bark. He is not happy at our current state. I pull my lips away from Christian and begin to laugh. He joins in and slowing puts me down, my arms still draped over his shoulders.
"I don't think your dog likes me." He chuckles.
"He only really likes me, if that makes you feel any better."
"It does actually." Christian releases me completely and walks over to Teddy. He crouches down beside him and mutters something in his ear. I can't hear him but I can see Teddy visibly start to relax as he allows Christian to pet him. "We are going to be good friends, Teddy." Christian looks up at me and smiles broadly, the wind picks up and his hair blows perfectly out of place. Teddy jumps up and knocks him over, he begins to lick him and Christian is fully on belly laughing and happy. I can't imagine what would have happened if he had taken the boat out that night in the storm. The thoughts run through me all at once and I am suddenly overwhelmed. His mental state at that moment, for him to believe that we all would be better without him. I simply cannot imagine a world without Christian in it. If I could stay in this moment forever I would. Just the three of us on the water laughing. We spend the rest of the day on the water, Christian literally shows me the ropes and he talks about the future, all the trips we can take and how I am a natural. We kiss more and there are only small windows when we aren't touching one another in some way. It feels easy and natural, like nothing bad has ever happened between us. As we watch the sunset together I wonder if it will always be this easy. Deep down knowing that it won't.
"Penny for your thoughts, Ana."
"I was just thinking about today and how happy I am to be here with you."
"And?"
"And I wonder if it will always be like this or will things go back to how they were."
"They weren't all bad, were they?"
"No, god no. There were these amazing highs but many lows. I don't know if I can do that roller coaster again."
"I know that I can't. I just want us to try, Ana. I think if we stay focused and take our time we can make this work. I would do anything for you. Anything."
"Okay. I think we need some rules or guidelines." He raises an eyebrow and smirks.
"Like a contract?"
"No, smart-ass." I chuckle. "Not a contract, just a guideline. We can't do that thing where we spend every moment of every day together. I have a job and a life, I can't turn that upside down because you are back."
"I agree. And I have a business to start and a life to build here. I get it Ana. Plus there is my family and your family, I have a lot of work to do there."
"You need to tell your family you are back, you should actually go and see them. They deserve more than a phone call."
"I know they do. I just…"
"I can't lie. It was hard enough with Ray today. Kate is going to call me tomorrow and ask how my weekend was. I can't lie to her."
"Okay. I will call my mother tonight and get on a plane tomorrow. You're right. I need to see them."
"Good. Thank you."
"I'll probably stay out there for the week. I'll check in with Roz and the company too. When I come back can we have dinner? Just you and me?"
"Of course we can. But you're gonna be the one to break it to Teddy."
