The flight to Mexico was bumpy; little did I know that it was also foreshadowing the next four days to come. I had a lot to think about, and I was glad that I decided to fly out alone. Christian decided to buy the very last house that we saw together. It was perfect. Sure, it wasn't grand and stately like the place on Beacon, but Christian didn't need a place like that. I loved that his place needed renovations and that it was warm and cozy. If you took my tiny apartment and made it larger and a brownstone, it was Christian's new house. I could see myself living there with him and making it my own. Escala always felt like his space, and I always felt like an interloper. It was never home to me. I wondered if we would ever get to a place where we could live together as equals. In Seattle, the balance of our relationship was always off. We were never in harmony.
I could see the changes in Christian, and I wondered if they were real or just another way of him exerting dominance, only this time against himself. Could a man really change that much? I was not sure, and while I missed certain aspects of Christian's hyper-dominant personality, this more introspective and open Christian was a welcome change. I felt like I could really tell him how I felt without fear of an argument or repercussion. When we talked, I felt like he really listened to me and responded thoughtfully. In the past, I would speak, and he would exert his opinions; we would argue, and in the end, I would do what he wanted.
When I told him that I wanted to take things slow and that sex was off the table, I expected an angry response, but instead, he agreed with me. He said our fresh start was a gift, and he didn't want to ruin it with bad habits. When I told him I was flying to Mexico alone, I expected a blow-up, but he told me to be careful and that he was confident that I was an expert flyer. When I told him that Jose was coming to Mexico, I thought his head was going to explode, but instead, he asked me if anything had happened between Jose and me over the last year. I told him that we were friends, had dinner a few times with his girlfriend, and that nothing did or would happen. He was quiet for a moment and then said he was fine with Jose being there.
I guess it was possible to change; God knows that I had over the past year. I felt more confident in myself and in my body. I didn't feel the need to compare myself to anyone else. I loved my job and the people I worked with. I felt safe and supported. I was traveling a lot and on my own. I had dated other men, two men to be exact, and I realized that I had a type. I was drawn to strong men with high standards who were also damaged and needed fixing. In a lot of ways, I was like my mother in that regard. I also realized that I loved Christian. Truly loved him. And I was only able to realize that when he was gone.
Kate had rented a private villa that was large enough for 20 people. I was the first to arrive. It had two private pools and hot tubs, 8 bedrooms, 10 bathrooms, a staff of 7 people, including a personal chef. I was able to choose my room first, which was nice. I took the smaller room at the end of the hallway on the third floor that faced the ocean; it had its own private roof deck, so it made up for the small size of the room. I wanted to get some distance between myself and everyone else. I had a feeling they would all take the large super-lux rooms on the first and second floors. The third floor felt more like a converted attic, and I hoped that Christian would take the room beside mine. I sent him a quick text letting him know what room I had taken and that there was one next door. Why leave it up to chance? Once I unpacked, I got into my bikini and sat at the pool for a few hours before the masses arrived.
Kate and Elliott, Ethan and his new flavor of the month, I mean girlfriend Sarah. I had not met her, but Kate had nice things to say about her. Mia was flying solo from Paris; she and her boyfriend had broken up suddenly, and Mia didn't give us any details as to why. All we knew was that she planned to be stateside until after the wedding. We were rounded out by Kate's childhood friend and fellow bridesmaid Alyssa - not my favorite person but I tolerate her because of Kate, her older cousin Suzanne - a sweet angel, Elliott's frat brothers Jimmy and Billy - total jerks but harmless all the same, and Jose and his girlfriend Maria - who just happens to be an up-and-coming supermodel flying in from New York. I was slightly worried about how Christian was going to take being around Jose for four days, but there was nothing we could do about it now.
I was quietly reading a manuscript and enjoying my freshly squeezed mimosa when I heard them all in the distance. Everyone had flown in together from Seattle on Kate's father's private jet with the exception of Jose and Maria, who wouldn't be in Mexico until tomorrow, and Christian would be coming in later in the afternoon. My stomach dropped because I knew this was going to be a fun weekend. Sure, it was going to be an insane four days of nonstop drinking, maybe some drugs, a lot of dancing, and very late nights, but it would be fun, and that is what I needed. I knew there would be both male and female strippers; Elliott made sure of that. I also knew that Kate had a full agenda with morning yoga classes, brunch, boat excursions, a jungle walk, a ruins tour, mud baths, and a swimming day in the Cenote - a group of cave-like swimming holes. I was not sure how we were all going to survive.
I ran to the crowd and didn't know who to embrace first, Kate or Mia. I had missed them both so much. We ended up all hugging one another at the same time, jumping like a bunch of sorority sisters. It was so great to be together again, and I couldn't wait for Christian to get here so it could really be like old times.
When all the rooms were finally sorted out (I was right, all the fancy rooms were scooped up first), and everyone had a belly full of avocado toast and tequila, we were all on floats in the pool. The music was blaring, the bottles were popping, and I was having an amazing time. Everyone seemed to be in a party-ready mood, even Alyssa, who was usually a bit of a snob.
I sat on a pool float in the shape of an avocado, margarita in hand, drifting peacefully. The sun felt good on my skin, and tequila felt even better in my veins. I almost wished I was there alone. Jimmy and Billy kept flirting with me. It was cute but annoying. They kept threatening to tip my float over. Thankfully, Ethan kept them in line, and they shifted their attention to Alyssa, who was more than happy to receive it.
"That is a very tiny bikini, Miss Steele." His voice was deep and raspy. He stood over me, a wide grin on his face, his frame blocking my sun.
"You should see my other one," I teased. He chuckled. "Get your trunks on and get in here, Grey."
"I'm gonna go get my bags upstairs and get settled in. Maybe later."
I watched him walk away, and my stomach sank. There was something wrong, though I couldn't put my finger on it. He talked to his brother and Kate for a few minutes, and then he was gone. I wanted to follow him, but I was trying to break old habits. I didn't need to fix him. Mia said she was going to check on him.
A few hours passed, and we were all getting ready for dinner. I walked up the stairs to my room and found Christian sitting on the bed, head in his hands.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I have a splitting headache, and I just didn't expect so many people here. I forgot that Ethan's college buddies were coming. And Kate's friends. I thought it was just gonna be us. I don't like… people."
"I'm sorry. We can just hang out here tonight."
"Kate would never allow that, and you know it. She has every minute of this trip planned. It's okay. I can tough it out."
"You sure?" He smiled and nodded. "Okay. I'm gonna hop in the shower. Just relax as best as you can until we leave."
I took a cold shower, rinsing the heat and salt off my skin. I wanted to invite Christian to join me. My inner voice screamed at me to ask him. But I just didn't feel like this was the time or the place. I wasn't ready. Just because our hinge had been going well does not mean that everything was magically fixed. I wanted to take my time and be sure that the ground beneath our feet was solid. We had been on quicksand for so long, and it nearly consumed us whole.
I slicked back my wet hair into a low bun. There was no point in styling it with all the humidity. My skin was reddened and bronzed from the sun, so makeup was also unnecessary. Just a little mascara and some cherry-flavored gloss. I put on a pale pink slip dress. It dipped too low in the back for a bra, but it fell to my ankles, and the extra coverage was appreciated. I added a pair of strappy sandals and a chunky gold hoop earring. It was cool and comfortable, and I felt good in it.
"Are you guys ready?" Elliot yelled up the stairs.
"Down in a minute." Christian responded.
I walked out of my bedroom and met him in the narrow hallway. I watched him watching me, his eyes floating up and down my body.
"You look…" He paused, and for a moment, all the air left the room. The last thing I wanted to do was go out and be around people. I wanted to be alone with him. "Stunning, Ana. You look stunning." He extended his hand to me, and I took it. His fingers weaving with mine as we walked down the stairs for a night I would never forget.
I was seated at a long table full of flowers, Christian to my left, Kate and Elliot to my right. Our group was loud and happy, drinking, eating, laughing, sharing embarrassing stories about the bride and groom. I was feeling drunk. The champagne was too smooth and too sweet not to drink in large gulps. Later, we were all dancing, our bodies all in sync. I felt free. I felt happy. I felt like nothing bad could ever happen to me again. I had survived a plane crash and a kidnapping. And a year without Christian. I deserved a night like this.
"Dance with me, Ana." José's girlfriend Maria wrapped her arms around my waist from behind, and we moved as one. Suzanne joined us, and then Kate and Mia. It was just us girls, and we all knew the boys were watching us.
"I can't believe you're getting married, Katie." Suzy exclaimed.
"I know! It's crazy."
"We are gonna be sisters!" Mia shouted. Kate and Mia hugged so hard they almost knocked each other over. "You're next, Ana. And then you'll be my sister too!" I laughed as they both hugged me. "Isn't that right, Christian." Mia yelled over to the group of boys.
"Isn't what right?"
"That you and Ana are going to get married so we can all be sisters!" His face changed from a broad smile to an expression I couldn't read.
"Do you think she'd say yes if I asked, ladies?" I felt panic brew in my belly. What the hell was going on? I felt betrayed when all the girls yelled out in agreement that I would say yes.
"Well, that's quite the endorsement." He was smiling again, and our eyes locked. I shook my head no, just the smallest motion, hoping he would pick up on it. He didn't. He took several steps closer to me, and the girls pushed me forward towards him. My chest hit his with a thud. It took both of my hands in his. And every part of me was screaming no. I tried to pull my hands away as he descended to one knee and our friends began to cheer.
"Ana, I know we have been through so much together. And none of it has been easy. But I finally feel like we have turned the corner, and I know that I will love you for the rest of my life. Please do me the honor of becoming my wife."
The world froze. Everything went quiet. I was spinning. Everyone was watching me - us. I loved him. That I knew. But I wasn't ready to take a shower with him 4 hours ago. How could I say yes? We had been engaged once, and it was a complete disaster. I couldn't do that again. Just the fact that he asked made me feel like he had not learned a single thing. I don't know how much time had passed; it could have been 10 seconds or 10 minutes. "Ana?" His voice was full of hope and question.
"Say, yes." I heard someone yell. I pulled my hands from his. Tears welling in my eyes.
"Christian, I'm sorry, but I can't say yes. Not now. Not like this." And then I ran away. I heard him calling after me and the gasps of my friends. I found our driver and asked him to take me back to the villa. I knew I was stranding my friends at the club, but I didn't care. I needed to get some distance from everyone and everything. I needed to get out of Mexico.
I got back to the villa, told the driver to wait. I ran to my room, threw on some sweatpants, and packed all my things. I wrote a quick note to Kate telling her I was sorry and to have a good time without me. I was done in less than five minutes and on my way to the airport. I ignored the texts and phone calls. When I got to the airport, there were two flights available within the hour. One to California and one to New York. I took it as a sign and booked my ticket and made a phone call.
"Hey, Gideon. It's Ana. I'm flying into New York tonight. Would it be okay if I crashed at your apartment?"
Gideon's response came through the phone, a mix of concern and surprise. "Ana, of course! Is everything okay?"
I hesitated for a moment, contemplating how much to share. "It's a long story. I'll fill you in when I get there."
The flight to New York was a blur of emotions. The events in Mexico had left me reeling, questioning the complexities of my relationship with Christian. I needed space and time to gather my thoughts.
As the plane touched down, I felt a mix of relief and uncertainty. Gideon was waiting for me at the airport, concern etched on his face as I approached.
"What happened, Ana?" he asked, wrapping me up onto a bear hug. I broke down crying. I was reeling. "It's okay, let it out. It's going to be okay."
Back at Gideon's apartment, he offered a comforting presence. I briefly recounted the unexpected proposal, my hesitation, and the decision to abruptly leave. I was second guessing everything. Gideon listened attentively, his expression a blend of understanding and sympathy. I sank into the couch, attempting to process the whirlwind of emotions. The events in Mexico had unraveled more than I anticipated.
Gideon spoke gently, "Ana, take the time you need. You don't owe anyone an explanation right now."
"Why do I feel like I have to explain myself then? I should have just said yes and let everyone have a good time."
"Everyone but you? Ana you have been working so hard to not be a people pleaser and to do what's right for you. I'm proud that you said no. It was the right thing. He should have never asked you like that. I don't care how drunk or swept up in the moment he was." His phone rang and it startled us both. "It's Taylor. Probably looking for you. Should I pick up?"
"Yes, I don't want Taylor to worry."
"Hello, Taylor… yes she is… no… absolutely not. She's fine. She's safe. No. He will just have to wait until she is ready to speak with him. I have no idea. Taylor, have you forgotten who you work for? Good. She's fine. Tell Grace she's fine. Good." He hung up the phone and tossed it aside.
"Your boy is losing his mind. You might what to text him. If it were me I'd be crazy about now."
"I'm not trying to make him crazy. I just needed to leave. It felt like my life depended on it."
"That's what anxiety will do. Trust me. I get it. But maybe a text letting him know you're okay." I nodded in agreement and turned on my phone for the first time in several hours.
I received messages and calls from friends in Mexico, expressing concern and confusion. Kate was understanding, urging me to take the time I needed and profusely apologizing for her role in the proposal.
I texted her first. Letting her know that I was safe and I was sorry for ruining her trip.
Next I texted Christian. I couldn't bring my self to read his messages.
I am safe. I'm in NY. I don't want you to worry. I just need some space. I'll reach out when I am ready. Please don't be angry.
I hit send and immediately saw the three flashing dots. I turned off the phone and tossed it next to Gideons.
"Feel better?"
"Not really." He frowned and furrowed his brow.
"Hungry?"
"Starving actually."
"Ramen?"
"That place on Mott?"
"Is there any other place?"
