The ocean at night is just a vast expanse of darkness and in it I was invisible. I was no longer Christian Grey, billionaire. I was just a man on a boat. My name didn't matter. My money didn't matter. The ocean and the wind didn't care. The abyss could just swallow me whole and I would cease to exist. I liked the idea of it. I liked it too much.
Those first few months in the water I walked the edge of the abyss, daring it to take me. The long dark nights drifting into the unknown horizon I only had myself and my thoughts to keep me company. Some nights were filled with boundless rage directed at myself, my mother, Elena. A patch work of regrets that I was slowing sewing together. Trying to make sense of it all. The time spent in my mothers care and Elena's bed shaped me as a child into the man I would become. A man so consumed by control that it destroyed the one thing I loved. The only thing that I allowed to love me back. And then it came to me, why was I thinking about Ana as if she was a thing. She was a person, a women with a life and a story all her own. But I didn't always see her like that. She was a thing that I wanted to possess, keep safe. I wanted her to do what I wanted when I wanted. No questions. No complaints. I gave her no room to grow and be who she was meant to be. And in that moment I made my self a promise to never do that again.
Other nights were full of sadness and tears. Reliving every moment of my life that I wanted to erase. The night my chest was covered in scars. The day when my plane crashed because of Hyde and I almost lost Ana. The rage that I released when I thought Ana was pregnant telling her to have an abortion and then that night in Escala as I watched her take a life. Knowing that moment would forever alter her. That night haunted me more than anything else. All of the roads in my life met at that one moment. That one intersection. Every mistake lived and died there.
Some nights were quiet and numb. When my body and brain couldn't handle another thought and all I could do is watch the stars above me. I would find the Demon Star every night. Watching its colors change. It's brightness grow and then diminish. In truth it is three stars and together they make a beautiful light. I feel like I am in three pieces. The broken child, the controlling man and whoever I am now.
The three versions of myself all fighting to be the brightest and maybe they always would be. But at least I had found some peace in the battles that I fought and won on the ocean. It was an uneasy kind of peace but peace nonetheless. It helped when I realized how small and insignificant I was. Knowing that at any moment the wind or rain could make me a my boat disappear into nothing. Lost forever. And yet I never felt safer. No noise. No voices. No money. No love. No pain. No responsibilities. No past. No future. Just me and the water.
It made it easy for me to imagine my future. To shape it the way that truly wanted it to be. Me and Ana together. My parents, my brothers and sisters. Maybe a family that Ana and I would make together. A normal life. I could be happy with the simplicity of a normal life. I wanted to start a charity for at risk children that would give them savings and independence when they aged out of the system. I wanted them I help children like I was. Lost and alone. That would become my life's work. That would give me purpose and peace. That is the part of my star that would burn the brightest.
Even now, on Taylor's balcony, in the skyline of Manhattan I can see the Demon Star above me. Like an omen. The thought of Ana just a floor above me with Gideon fucking Cross made me crazy. How I wanted the old version of me to storm up there, punch Gideon in the face, throw Ana over my shoulder and take her away. But this newer version of me knew that was not the answer. I was uncomfortable in this new skin. But I needed to make peace with it if I truly wanted to change. And I did want to change. I made myself a promise and I intended to keep it. I had to evolve beyond the lost fifteen year old boy full of rage and hormones. Every thing must evolve or die. It is the natural order of things.
"Christian, Jason and I are heading off to bed, can I get you anything?" Gail's voice was low and sweet, filled with kindness.
"No, thank you. I'm still full from that amazing dinner. Sleep well." She smiled and nodded her head. I could tell there was something more she wanted to say. So I held her in my gaze and waited for her to either get up the nerve to say it or let it be.
"I've have known you for many years now. I have quietly watched you sleepwalk through your life. Some days I was convinced you were being driven by the devil himself." She chuckled and I joined her.
"You seem… ready now." I raised an eyebrow. "Ready for what?"
"Ready to live."
xxx
"Christian." Gideon said as he walked into his living room. His voice was stern and commanding. He was trying to assert dominance. It was a move I knew well and deployed often.
"Gideon." I said more curtly than I intended.
"If you're here to talk about Ana. There's no need. She and I are friends." I raised my hand to stop him.
"This is not about Ana. And I am fully aware that you are friends. I'm also aware that you went on a date. Ana and I were not together. You're relationship with her has nothing to do with me." He gave a small smug smile. It killed me to say it. The words felt thick and bitter on my tongue. Taylor had given me a small glimpse into the friendship and he made it clear that it was something Ana valued. It got her through some of the worst parts of our separation. Gideon was there for her. He didn't take advantage of her. He was a true friend. Gail said he too was nursing a broken heart. His girlfriend Eva Trammel had left him abruptly and he was bereft.
"We did have a date but we quickly realized that were both still in love with other people. Crazy, aggravating, exhausting, people. We thought it best that I just say friends." He relaxed slightly and he sat on one of his long leather sofas, unbuttoning his suit jacket as he crossed his leg. He then gestured for me to do the same. "Ana told me what happened in Mexico and Escala."
I cringed internally angry that he had this leverage of information. "The proposal." He paused, thinking if he should censor himself. He didn't. "You fucked up big time. There is no way that Ana is ready to be a wife. But of all your fuck ups this is the least of them."
"It wasn't something I planned."
"Obviously. " he droned with a slight eye roll. "I don't want to imply that I know Ana better than you because I don't. But I do know Ana without you. She's in a good place. And it took her a lot to get here. It was all so fresh for Ana when we first met. She was still processing it. Still trying to make sense of it all." I guess he could read the discomfort on my face. "Don't worry, Grey. She knows all my shit too. And mine is just as bad maybe even worse."
I wanted to hate him. I wanted him to hate me. I want to buck horns and thrash around the room. But instead I thanked him. "Thank you for being there for her when I couldn't. She needed a friend who would understand in a way that only you could. I don't like it. Not one fucking bit. But I'm grateful for it."
"You have changed haven't you?" He raised an eyebrow and sat up straight on the sofa. I nodded once. "I hope you can fix this for Ana's sake. But if you can't. Leave her be. Let her live the life she has built for her self in peace." I sat in the silence for a moment trying to process his words. He was right. If I couldn't make her life better I didn't have the right to stick around and make it worse. I nodded again, letting him know I understood.
"I am not here for a therapy session."
"Then why are you here?"
"Someone is trying to buy GEH."
"I had heard that though the grapevine but if you're looking for intel I don't know who it is. No one knows. I've asked around."
"I know who it is, and that's why I want you to buy it." Even a man with ice in his veins like Gideon couldn't hid the shock that spread across his face.
Gideon leaned back in his chair, his eyes narrowing with a mix of curiosity and skepticism. "Buying GEH? Why would I want to do that?"
"Because Richard Stanton wants it." Just hearing his name changed his entire demeanor. I could see the rage burning inside of him. It was a rage I knew well. Richard Stanton was the stepfather of Gideon's ex-girlfriend. He was a shrewd billionaire and from what I understood had a proclivity for children, his step-daughter included. I had heard whispers about him over the years and never did a single business deal with him because of it. I was no saint. Not by a long shot. But I was groomed as a child. I know all too well the kind of people that seek out children.
Gideon's jaw tightened, a familiar anger surfacing. "Stanton is a sick bastard. How much did he offer?"
"He's using a shell company called EvenOdds Holdings. It took some digging but my guy traced it back him."
"That sick motherfucker. To even use her name." He stood abruptly and started pacing around the room. "How much did he offer?"
I handed him a document containing the details of Stanton's offer. "He's willing to pay a substantial amount. But it's not just about the money. It's about preventing him from gaining control."
Gideon studied the document, I could tell his mind racing with all the possibilities and details. "Alright, I get it. Stanton can't be allowed near this company. But why me? Why should I buy GEH? Why would you want me to buy it? Why are you even selling it in the first place?"
"You have the resources, the experience, and the strength to keep Stanton at bay. I trust you to run GEH effectively and keep it out of the wrong hands. I know that you and Stanton and Eva have a complex history." He winced at the sound of her name. "I know there is no chance of you ever selling it to him. In fact I think there is a distinct possibility that buying GEH will give you everything to need to finally take him down. And I'm selling it because I need to leave that life behind and I can't do it if I still own the company."
After a moment of contemplation, Gideon nodded. "Alright, Grey. I'll do it. But we need to ensure the transition is smooth, and I want your assurance that you won't interfere once it's in my hands. I also require that you remain on the board. Those are my terms."
"If I am on the board I'm still involved."
"Yes, you would be involved to a very small degree. Regardless of everything out there about you in the media and that mess with that Elena woman. Your name still holds a lot of weight in our world. Cross and Grey together, amicably working together would be unstoppable."
I thought about his offer for a moment. I extended my hand to his for a firm shake. "Deal. I'll provide all the support you need during the transition, and once GEH is yours, I will stay out of it. I just need to know it's in capable hands."
"And you will remain on the board?"
"I will."
