I do not condone underage drinking/smoking in any way shape or form. Also, there is some kissing/making out at the end of this chapter so do not read if that makes you uncomfy.
The hot July sun was beating down hard on the acres of property behind the Potter Estate. James and Sirius had long forgotten their game of one on one Quidditch, ditching their brooms somewhere in the field along with their shirts and shorts and choosing instead to roughhouse in the cool lake at the edge of the grounds. They had spent the better part of the afternoon shoving and wrestling each other in the water, seeing who could hold who under longer. It must have been around three o'clock that they both trudged, waterlogged and breathless, back to the grass and collapsed there on the ground. Sirius sat up and shook out his hair in a dog-like fashion before tying it up in a knot and falling heavily to rest on his best friend's stomach.
"Oof!" The air left James' lungs with impressive force and he shoved the other boy's head away. "Must you? You've got a fat head."
"Do not," Sirius chuckled, making himself comfortable and stretching out his limbs.
"Do too. It's from that bloody thick skull and all that ego," James knocked lightly on the top of Sirius' head for emphasis.
"I think you've mistaken me for yourself, mate. Ask anyone. Ask Evans!"
James rolled his eyes and gave Sirius another shove to get him off. "It's too bloody hot to have you all over me," he plucked his glasses out of the grass beside him and put them back on. "Besides, you don't get to talk to me about Evans until you've told Remus you're bloody pathetically in love with him."
Sirius was still snickering madly, lying flat on his back. "Oh come on, that's hardly fair. And anyway, at least Remus doesn't hate my very existence. Evans can hardly stand to be in the same room as you without throwing hexes."
James smirked and shrugged his shoulders. "There's a fine line between love and hate, Padfoot."
"Yeah, that and a restraining order," Sirius snorted, flipping onto his stomach and narrowly missing the lazy swing of James' fist. They sat in a comfortable silence for a while, enjoying the feeling of the hot summer sun on their already tanned skin. They had both nearly drifted off when the sound of Mrs. Potter calling for them made Sirius' head perk up.
"James, Sirius! Remus and Peter are here!"
Both boys leaped to their feet and ran back to the house, only mildly aware that they were only wearing their boxers. They both skidded wetly across the marble floors and nearly crashed into the other two who were standing in the doorway with their things. The four of them fell into fits of laughter, exchanging excited hellos as Mrs. Potter shook her head, smiling fondly and waving her wand at the muddy puddles on her floor.
The boys made their way up to James' bedroom to put their things away, chattering about how their summers had been so far and making their plans for the remainder.
"How've you been, Moony?" James asked once they were safely behind closed doors.
Remus shrugged. "Honestly, I'm alright. I mean, don't get me wrong, being locked in the cellar on my own doesn't compare to running through the forest with my mates, but- Padfoot, really, don't give me that look. I'm fine. It's a necessary precaution…"
Sirius' eyes narrowed and he huffed, turning to look out the window.
"Besides," Remus continued, the beginnings of a rare smirk tugged at his lips. "My dad's been taking pity on me. He's given me something to help after with the pain. Made me swear not to tell mum or let any of the staff at school find out."
—-
"You've got to be bloody kidding me," James' eyes were so wide they were nearly larger than the frames of his glasses, staring with his mouth agape at the plastic bag Remus held out in front of them.
The four of them were seated around a roaring fire out by the old shed in the field behind the house. Mister and Missus Potter had suggested that the rowdy boys take advantage of the weather and spend the night outdoors with their sleeping bags. This was fine by them, especially with the surprise that Remus had sprung on them.
"And your dad just gives it to you?" Sirius half laughed, grinning from ear to ear. "That's bloody fantastic, Moony."
Peter seemed slightly more uneasy about it than the others. "It actually helps?"
Remus looked thoughtful for a second. "Er… well, mostly it just makes me not care so much. And it makes me hungry as hell… so he usually comes down in the morning and smokes it with me and brings me some sort of sweets my mum bakes," he rubbed the back of his neck. "As I said, it's nothing compared to what you lot do for me, but-"
"Oh no, Moons. This is brilliant," Sirius cut him off excitedly. "So, you're not going to hold out on us then, right?"
Remus snorted and rolled his eyes. "No, I brought it with me so I could shove it in your faces and keep it to myself."
"You're a saint, Moony," James said solemnly, clapping him on the shoulder.
"So…" Peter started slowly, still eyeing the bag of tobacco warily. "Er… how exactly do you… you know… do it?"
Sirius groaned and shook his head. "You smoke it, Wormtail."
"I know that, you mutt!" Peter snapped back irritably. "I meant how d'you-"
"Relax, both of you," Remus sighed and he opened the bag and reached into his pocket to pull out a tiny packet of thin papers. "Honestly, I should have thought of this sooner, maybe it will shut you two up."
They all watched in amazement as Remus' fingers rolled an impressive amount of tobacco onto a sheet of paper. "At home, dad's got a pipe, and I like that better, to be honest. It tastes cleaner. But he wouldn't let me have it, so… paper it is," he felt around in his pocket and frowned. "Crap…"
"Light?" Asked Sirius, reaching into his own jeans. Remus nodded and Sirius tossed him his lighter. Remus raised a suspicious eyebrow for a second before bringing the joint to his lips and lighting it. Three sets of eyes watched him intently as he inhaled, held it in for a few moments, and exhaled.
"Me next," Sirius practically jumped up when Remus had finished, making the lighter-haired boy laugh.
"Merlin, Padfoot… calm down. Here," he held out the joint.
Sirius, with a little too much enthusiasm, inhaled quite a bit and ended up hacking. The werewolf sighed and shook his head. "I told you. No matter, you'll be high as a hippogriff in no time…"
James snatched the spliff from Sirius, who was still doubled over and coughing and was able to maintain himself as he took his first hit, though his face did scrunch up a bit and his eyes watered. "That's a tad harsh on the throat, isn't it?"
"I never noticed," Remus said nonchalantly. "My throat's normally already raw from howling so… I wouldn't know the difference."
When it was Peter's turn, the boy hesitated.
"Come on, Wormtail," Sirius urged, finally catching his breath although his voice had gone slightly raspy. "We've all done it. Don't be a wuss."
"Don't pressure him, Pads," Remus scolded. "Peter, you only have to if you want to."
Peter's watery blue eyes darted from one friend to the other as he mentally debated. "What's it feel like?"
"My head's a bit spiny," James said, looking like he was trying to find the right words. "And my mouth is dry. But it feels good. You'll like it."
"I'm hungry," Sirius muttered. He had plopped himself down to sit cross-legged in the grass and was staring at the fire with glassy eyes. "Just… I'm really bloody hungry," he giggled a bit. Remus bit back a laugh and fished a chocolate frog from his pocket, handing it to the fitfully giggling boy. "I've never been this hungry. Jamie, did we eat today?"
Now James was laughing too. "Yeah, mate. You had like… an entire stack of pancakes for breakfast and three servings of mum's chicken at dinner and- wait… was that today?"
Peter's brows knitted together in concern and he looked at Remus. "Is that normal?"
"Yes," Remus said simply, taking another hit for himself. "Don't worry about them. They're more than fine. But really, it's not a big deal. You don't have to do it if you don't want to, Pete."
Peter gave the two laughing boys another look and smiled, relenting. "Alright, fine."
Remus passed him the joint. "Just don't inhale it like a bloody milkshake or you'll end up like this pair of hyenas."
—-
"No, no wait… seriously?" Laugh Sirius, holding his sides. "You never told me you snogged Alice! Mate, that's pretty messed up. Frank's been holding out for that bird!"
James rolled his eyes. "That's why I didn't tell you, and your big bloody mouth," he threw a handful of grass at the other boy. "It was one time in third year and I hadn't kissed anyone and neither had she, so we did," James ran a hand through his hair. "What about you Sirius?" He asked teasingly.
"What about me?" Sirius said feigning innocence.
"You know what I mean," James playfully shoved him. "You and whatever random bloke crosses your path that week…"
Sirius shot him a dirty look and sighed. "I've had my fair share of snogs if you really must know. And you know what, what about Peter?" He nudged the smaller boy, desperately wanting to divert the attention away from himself.
Peter squeaked in surprise at being called out so suddenly and let out an anxious laugh. "I.. mean… I kissed Emmeline a few times last year."
Sirius barked with laughter. "Good on you, Pete. She's a nice-looking girl," his eyes drifted to Remus, who remained quiet for the entire discussion. "What about you, Moony?"
"Hmm?" Remus seemed to break out of a daze. "Me?"
James grinned. "Yeah, Rem. I'm sure there are plenty of birds looking your way. Girls like that dorky innocent thing." He shot a quick look at Sirius who had conveniently taken interest in what must have been a very fascinating chocolate frog card.
Remus made an odd face and struggled with his thoughts for a moment. The stall made Sirius break his feigned concentration on his card, looking at the other boy out of the corner of his eye and biting the inside of his cheek. "No one…" he sighed. "No one's going to want to be with me once they know the truth. So I don't... I don't bother with it…" he mumbled.
None of them spoke. A few times James looked like he might have had something to say, but he covered it with an awkward, forced cough. Then Sirius stood. "I need to… I just need to… smoke in my eyes. From the fire," he muttered, kicking the dirt under his foot before he turned and walked away in the direction of the lake.
—-
Sirius sat down heavily at the edge of the water, cradling his head in his hands. He shouldn't be so angry, he knew. It wasn't his business whether Remus wanted to be with anyone or not. He just couldn't stand the way the other boy always belittled himself like that. He hated it, because to him, Remus was everything good in the world, and the fact that he was so quick to doubt that just because some creep decided to attack him as a child, made Sirius want to scream. Growling in frustration, he dug into his back pocket for his pack of cigarettes. He ran both hands through his hair and pulled.
"Those are awful for you, you know…" Remus' voice chided softly behind him. Sirius' heart skipped and he swallowed hard.
"I'll live," he said quietly
Remus slowly took a seat beside him and he could feel the boy's eyes boring into him. "Sirius?"
"What, Remus?" He snapped in response, immediately regretting it when he saw Remus flinch. He exhaled slowly and watched the grey smoke swirl in front of his eyes. "Sorry… I didn't mean to snap at you…"
Remus shrugged. "I think we're all used to it by now."
"That doesn't make me feel better," Sirius grumbled in annoyance. He sighed. "Sorry… again…" he finally looked at the other boy. "What did you want to say?"
Remus chewed on his bottom lip for a moment, looking down at his lap. "Are you mad at me?"
Sirius exhaled sharply in an almost laugh. "Mad at you? Why would I be mad at you?"
"You stormed off like that," Remus absently picked at the grass around him. "I know you don't like hearing it, Padfoot. But that's how it is. The world isn't a very welcoming place for people like me. I don't even know what's going to happen to me after school. No one will hire me…" he turned and watched Sirius stub out his cigarette. "I've known this my whole life and I've accepted it. I'm never going to have a relationship or anything… Not everyone's going to be as willing to accept a monst-"
"Shut up, Remus!" Sirius shouted, getting to his feet. "Merlin, just shut up and stop talking about yourself like.. Like you don't even matter!"
Remus stared up at him, unblinking. "Sirius, I-"
"No! Screw you, Remus. Godric! You have no idea how much I want to strangle you every time you say this stupid crap about yourself or how no one will ever want you! I hate it! I hate hearing you call yourself a monster because you're not! You're… you're kind and funny and smart and… Merlin frickin beautiful… and you deserve someone who is going to love every single part of you, including the wolf! So just stop telling yourself that no one's ever going to love you because, for Merlin's sake, I love you! I've loved you for as long as I can remember but you're too full of self-pity to even notice-"
"Sirius…" Remus breathed, his eyes wide in shock, but Sirius continued to rant.
"And I've tried! I've tried so bloody hard to make those feelings go away but-"
"Sirius!" Remus stood.
"They won't! So you can go ahead and hate me for this, but I-'' Sirius gasped as Remus grabbed his face with both hands and crushed their mouths together. Time stopped. They both froze in shock and after a moment, Remus pulled away looking completely horrified at what he had just done.
"I…" he licked his lips. "I'm sorry… I shouldn't have-"
Sirius swallowed thickly, grey eyes searching gold before he reached up grabbing fistfuls of Remus' hair and closing the distance between their mouths again. This time they were ready. Remus' hands fell from Sirius' face and slowly traveled down to rest on his hips, pulling him closer as their lips moved against each other.
They sank to the ground without breaking apart. Sirius was surprised as Remus, in an uncharacteristically bold manner, straddled his legs, and gently pushed him onto his back, deepening the kiss. Sirius could feel his heart racing as his senses were completely overwhelmed. The scent of parchment and fire and forest and the taste of chocolate and peppermint tea.
They finally broke apart, both panting heavily and staring into each other's eyes.
"You…" Remus licked his lips. "You love me?"
Sirius nodded. "I think I always have, Moony…" he reached up to brush the fringe of Remus' hair out of his eyes.
Remus half laughed, half choked. "I love you too, Sirius."
They kissed softly again, just a touch of their lips together.
"...If we do this… us, for real…" Remus barely whispered, eyes boring into Sirius' with apprehension. "We could be risking everything, you know…"
Sirius smiled, resting his hand against Remus' cheek and running his thumb gently across the boy's lips. He shrugged. "What's life without a little risk?"
