THE EIGHTH TIME
Edward's voice is frantic through the haze. It's coming from right next to me but feels miles away. My consciousness struggles to find its way back to my body.
"She just, she just stopped breathing and blacked out." He sounds like he's sobbing, but I know vampires can't sob. "No, she's breathing now. But it's my fault, it's all my fault."
I keep my eyes closed and my face impassive for two reasons as his broken voice jolts through me. One, I've always been a little nosy; I want to know who he's talking to. And two, I don't really want to face him yet. How do you comfort your ex vampire boyfriend turned friend turned mushy pile of vampire goo?
"Carlisle, I don't know how to do this. Help me, please help me." Definitely sobbing. I try to pay attention to my other surroundings. I'm somewhere soft, so he must've moved me to my bed. I lift one of my eyelids just enough to see he is kneeling as if in prayer or worship, his phone clasped tightly in one hand, his forehead resting against the floor in front of him. His shoulders are shaking, his clothes still wet from the rain. Water drip, drip, drips onto the laminate flooring "She's my mate, she's my mate. And I have fucking ruined everything."
My breath stutters, but he seems so far lost to his grief that he doesn't hear the shift, which is lucky because now I'm freaking the fuck out. I've never seen Edward lose his cool like this. I've never heard him swear. Then there's the other thing.
Mate? I know vampires mate for their entire existence but… to a human? Is that even possible? The word tumbles around my brain until the edges are smoothed like a pebble. Then I think, maybe this explains some stuff. Like why I've been so completely fucked up for four years. Why I can't read romance novels or watch romcoms anymore. Why I stopped listening to music. Why I couldn't just fucking date Jake, who was a totally normal (besides the shape shifting thing), nice, good looking guy.
Why I still literally feel like someone has ripped my soul in two.
Carlisle must be speaking but my human ears don't pick up on it through Edward's inhuman gasps and the soft ringing in my ears. I open my eyes fully to watch him fall apart. Is that where the other half of my soul is?
"Edward." My voice sounds like it hasn't been used in a while.
His head snaps up and he ends the call with Carlisle abruptly. His face looks animalistic in its immense woe. His eyes are wild.
"I think." I stop, my teeth are chattering from the adrenaline or from my damp clothing. I struggle to keep my voice calm. "I think I need some space right now. I'd like to talk to Carlisle too."
The sound that comes out of his mouth is inhuman, like a wounded animal. I flinch.
"Don't, Bella, please don't." His hand is shaking as it lifts up to touch my arm. I move away from him.
"Bella, please, please, please, please-" His eyes dart around the room like a man possessed. "Don't make me leave." They shut tightly. I think about how he must've felt like this - this hollow, sinking feeling - when he left me for what he thought was forever, but he did it anyway.
I clear my throat and repeat myself. "I need some space and I'd like to talk to Carlisle." My teeth click audibly against each other. "Please get out."
He's still kneeling in front of me. A statue of piety, bronze hair dark and glistening from the rain. Lightning flashes outside, throwing stark light across his features. I think vaguely, that if I could paint, this would make one hell of a composition. I'd call it Adonis Falls.
"Edward." My voice is soft. I sit up and reach out to touch his hair, always the most human part of him. It's silky and smooth. His shaking slows as I run my fingers through it. "Please leave my apartment now and give Carlisle my number."
He whimpers. I drop my hand. He stands up so quickly I start. A cold mask of indifference has fallen over his crumpled features. He nods once to me and is at the door in another blindingly fast movement.
"I'll let you know when I'm ready to talk to you." I say as the door clicks shut behind him.
I sit on the edge of my bed and I listen to the silence in the apartment as the thunder rumbling outside grows farther and farther away. Eventually, I get up and shuck the wet skirt and shirt off of me, peel off my undergarments and look for my fuzzy robe and thick socks. My crown braid is frazzled and wild when I look in the mirror; my lips blue from the cold and raw from the gnawing I've done absentmindedly; my eyes are red and puffy.
I can't help but feel like I'm standing on the precipice of a great drop. Like I'm hovering on the edge, my arms cartwheeling through the air in an attempt to not fall.
Suddenly, I'm in the kitchen area heating up a mug of water for tea. I don't remember walking here. I haven't fully dissociated like this in years.
I feel like I'm in a dream. Maybe this whole thing has been a dream and I just tripped on the track three weeks ago and hit my head. Maybe I never woke up from the woods in Forks when he first left. Maybe I just concocted this whole vampire thing and I'm somewhere in a mental health hospital in Phoenix. I think, well, then, maybe some things would make sense. Like the fact I just blew up at my ex vampire boyfriend who is apparently my fucking soulmate.
I decide to practice grounding techniques like Emily taught me in La Push. I list five things I see in my apartment that are real: the puddle of water Edward-shaped on the floor, my wet clothing, the photo of me with Renee and Charlie, my damp comforter, the window with lighting flashing behind it.
I pick up my phone just as it begins to vibrate. An unknown number. The electric tea kettle whistles. I don't finish my grounding technique.
"Hello?" My voice is like sandpaper in my throat.
"Hello, Bella. Are you alright?" It's Carlisle.
