THE NINTH TIME

I don't know why I'm surprised Carlisle's voice hasn't changed. It's still endlessly calm, professional, and with a slight British accent.

"I'm okay physically." I whisper into the receiver. I'm not, but I don't want to see a doctor.

"Do you mind if we start with some questions about your health? It would make me feel better about Edward leaving your apartment."

"Okay."

"Do you have a history of panic attacks?" His voice is clinical.

"Yes. Erm. But it's been awhile."

"When was your last panic attack?"

I struggle to remember. "I had them a lot in Forks. After he left. Maybe earlier in college." I fidget as I get a tea bag ready.

"So it's been quite some time since you've had one."

My voice is small. "Yes."

"And have you ever fainted from a panic attack before?"

"Yes. In Forks."

"Do you feel lightheaded, dizzy?"

"No. I'm shaking still though." I hold my hand up in front of my eyes as if he can see.

"That's natural. It's the adrenaline. It's very important that you stay hydrated." I take a sip of my tea. We are both quiet for a few seconds. I can tell he's worried, but he doesn't push me further. "What can I do for you, Bella?"

I take a deep breath. "I heard Edward talking to you and I guess I was just wondering about the whole… mate thing." I'm whispering into the receiver like I'm sharing a childhood secret.

Carlisle hums into the receiver. "As you know, when we are changed, we are, in a sense, frozen." I nod even though he can't see me. This is similar to how Edward described it to me. I guess he just never used the word... "It would take something life altering to change us, and finding our mate is one of those very rare things."

I fiddle with the tie on my robe. "And what does it mean? When - if you find your mate?"

"If you are lucky enough to find your mate, it alters you irrevocably. It feels as if your purpose has been rewritten."

A memory niggles at the back of my brain. You are my life now.

Carlisle continues, "If you are unable to be with your mate - because of death or…" he clears his throat. "Other reasons, typically it feels as if part of you is missing. It drives many mad."

The hole in my chest ripples with pain.

"And can, can vampires mate with a human?" My voice is so, so quiet that a human wouldn't have heard my question.

"It would seem so." Carlisle responds seriously.

I untie and retie my robe for something to do. Sip my tea. "Then how could he leave me?"

Through the receiver, I hear Carlisle sigh. "He was misguided. He thought he was giving you a chance to be human, to fully live without him. I regret to say we all left you because we believed him when he said it was mutual."

I'm not ready to talk about the rest of the Cullens leaving me. I'm not ready to think about Alice leaving me in particular. She was supposed to be my best friend. I shake the thought out of my head.

"What did leaving me, his, erm, mate, do to him?" I'm still whispering.

"He… struggled immensely. He intended to track Victoria, but, well, you know what happened there." I wince as more traumatic memories attempt to make their way to the forefront of my brain. But I stay silent, listening. "Jasper and I found him in an attic infested with rats in São Paulo two years ago. He hadn't fed or moved in quite some time; he was muttering to himself, replying to conversations that we assume were happening elsewhere. Jasper had to excuse himself because his emotions were… overwhelming and unrelenting."

I struggle to picture it. Edward, alone, surrounded by cobwebs and dust, his grief like a gaping maw ready to swallow him whole.

Sort of like I have felt.

"What did you do?"

He sighs again. "I tried to get him to come with us, but he refused vehemently. He said the only thing that would get him to leave was you."

"So… you left him there?" My voice breaks on left.

"What choice did I have?" His voice sounds so, so sad. "I followed his wishes."

"How, how long was he there?" I stutter. My hand is clutching my phone so tightly that it hurts.

"Alice says he was there until he decided to return to find you."

My breath whooshes out of me again. So, he was alone in a room for nearly four years? I pictured him doing normal Edward things. Playing the piano. Browsing the record store. Visiting the library. Play fighting with his brothers. Helping Esme restore a house. Arguing with Rosalie as they tinkered with engines. "And where is he now?"

"Running."

I start chewing my thumbnail. "Is he alright?"

"Bella?" He asks calmly.

Something wet trails down my cheek and I realize I've been crying. "Yes?"

"You, of course, are welcome to maintain boundaries with him. If you tell him to leave forever, he will stay away."

"I don't want that," I breathe. My head is shaking back and forth. I just need time to think.

Carlisle hums into the receiver. "For what it's worth, we all still love you very much. We all want what's best for you, whatever you decide."

I sniffle and wipe at a gob of snot. I'm glad no one can see me break down this time. "What does Alice see?" I wonder.

"Oh, I haven't asked her, and I do not think she'd tell."

I'm both grateful and disappointed. "Thank you, Carlisle. For the information and for checking in on me."

"It has been my pleasure, Bella. It will always be my pleasure. Please keep my number and reach out if you ever need me."

I say goodbye and toss my phone on the bed, and then I collapse on the comforter, curl up, and cry myself to sleep.