THE TENTH TIME

When I awaken, my apartment is pitch black. Even the lights from the pathway outside the building seem dimmer than usual. One hand rubs the sleep from my eyes and the other fumbles for my iPhone. It's one AM. I've slept for nearly twelve hours: my throat is parched and my stomach feels hollow.

I have two messages on my phone: a missed call and voicemail from Charlie. I send him a quick text so he doesn't worry: sorry I missed your call. I fell asleep after my midterm presentation and just woke up. call you tomorrow. love you.

I find a granola bar and chug two glasses of water. Then I putter back to bed. I lay there and stare at my text chain with Edward for three minutes before my eyelids droop again, and I decide to succumb to sleep.

I dream of the woods for the first time in a year. I dream of the moss draped over trees, cascading down the trunks, covering everything brown and warm. I dream of so much green, too much green. I dream of Edward walking away from me, even as I chase him, sprinting through the forest, tripping over branches and vines. I wake up to the morning light shining in my eyes; I'm drenched in sweat. I brush moisture away from my cheeks.

I have three days left of midterm week and I have three days until I plan on visiting Renee in Florida. In the chaos of everything, part of me forgot.

On Wednesday, I turn in my written commentary on the Great Gatsby. I go to work. I call Charlie and lie about who I've been seeing lately. I do laundry.

On Thursday, I dress in tight jeans, sneakers, and a dusky rose fitted sweater. I meet Aaron outside of class for coffee. I stride in with my head held high and we sit in the back row. When Edward arrives, his face is impassive. His shirt is rumpled. His hair is wilder than usual. He sits next to me and mumbles, "Hello." In a clear voice, I greet him. I watch the rest of the presentations while Edward fidgets to my right and Aaron nods off on my other side. I try not to pick at my cuticles.

At the end of that excruciatingly awkward class, Edward asks me if he can walk me to my lab. I think about turning him down, but I can't keep running from this conversation - because that's what I've been doing since he returned, isn't it? Letting myself fall back in with him, have fun with him, without fully facing what I need?

So, I agree. Albeit reluctantly.

As soon as we are away from a crowd, I start talking. "I appreciate you giving me space more than you know."

He looks ahead of us as we walk and nods that he understands. A muscle in his jaw ticks.

"The thing is, I'm still obviously really fucked up from everything," I explain in a measured voice. "From the gaslighting in Forks. From years of being left alone and thinking I was no good for you, or really just no good at all. And I know that you were hurting too, I do, but I think it was just a shock to my system to see you slip so easily back into old habits without honoring my boundaries and my needs. And really part of that is my fault, because I sort of communicated them to you but I didn't really know how." I realize I'm rambling. Am I even making sense? "This is just really hard for me." I finish.

His eyes slide to me and he nods again.

"You're not saying anything."

He clears his throat. "I don't know what to say."

We approach the science building and I adjust my backpack on my shoulders as I slow down and stop. I look down at my feet. "I guess what I'm saying is that I need you to see that I've changed. My needs from…" I struggle with the right word. Friend? Ex boyfriend? Future boyfriend? I don't even want to consider the M word: too much pressure. "From… you have shifted."

He nods and his voice is sincere when he says, "I can show you that."

I stare at his wrinkled collar, the bone white clavicle peeking out from under it. "Okay. Good. Thank you, I mean." Fuck, this is so awkward. "Erm, well. I'm going to Renee's for break. I leave Friday evening."

"Oh," he replies. He tries to imbue his voice with something that mimics joy, but it comes out off.

"Yeah, I mean, I'm looking forward to the break from classes and the change of scenery." I shift my weight, suddenly too aware of my body.

He looks down at his feet and I watch as he opens and closes his fist.

"I need some time to think. That's all." I add.

"Okay," he says, running his hands through his hair. "I hope you enjoy the time with your mother." He clears his throat. "Should I say have fun or is that the wrong sentiment?" One edge of his lips pulls up in a half hearted smile. I realize he's quoting Me From The Past.

"Have fun works as well as anything," I finish with a small smile. I struggle with knowing how to end the conversation. What do you say to your 100 some year old ex vampire boyfriend who is your freaking soulmate when you ask for time to think about your friendship slash mate-ship? I look down, then at the tree behind him, then back at his face. "I'll talk to you when I get back." That's gotta be good enough, I mentally shrug. I leave him at the door to the science building. He honors my boundary and doesn't follow.

On Friday, I go to my last class before spring break. I pack a bag. I grab a cab to the airport.

When I board my flight, I pull out my phone to text Renee to let her know I made it and we are about to take off.

But I have a text from Edward. It feels like my heart is going to beat out of my chest as I open it.

Be safe.

As far as texts go, it's simple. It makes me think of my old red truck, which sits in storage in Forks. I think of a note left on the worn, leather seat of the Beast four years ago, penned in elegant script. When he joked that doing laundry was fraught with peril. I smirk at the memory and turn my phone off.

As the flight attendants begin their final checks of the cabin, I consider if I would want to go back to the beginning of our relationship if I could. But then I realize I'm glad I'm not that naive seventeen year old who would do anything for Edward. Not just because he left me, but because I defined my entire existence around someone who I had only known for a few tumultuous months. Fate or no fate - mate or not. I'm glad I have even given myself the chance to grow beyond Edward, no matter how much that has - and still does - hurt. For both of us.

And at least this time, I'm the one leaving. He's finally given me full control. Agency.

I close my eyes tight just as silent tears begin to fall and I can't tell if I'm happy or sad. Maybe a bit of both.

I try to look forward to four days of shorts and bikinis and sunshine, but my heart can't help but cry out for something else.

As the plane begins taxing, I realize it's not just Oregon or Washington or the PNW that my heart cries out for - it's someone. And it's not the perfect someone that left me in Forks - the one I put on the pedestal too. Because Edward's not an angel. He's a deeply flawed man.

My heart cries out for that person with all their flaws. The one who is willing to keep trying despite messing up over and over again. With the rumple shirt and the dark irises. That's the one my heart wants.

Well, fuck.