All I want is to flip a switch Before something breaks that cannot be fixed
She never should have left him. That's the thought that replayed in the mind of Jennifer Jareau. She felt numb, the throbbing in her hand from the wounds left by the dogs was the only thing keeping her even the smallest bit grounded. She watched on the screen as the SSA who had become her closest friend was tortured, drugged, seized, died, and was brought back again, all by the same unsub, who had multiple personalities. Before the stream had come onto the computer screen, the one in which Spence had gone into cardiac arrest, she had been frantic. Knowing that the Hankle, the unsub who had already killed so many, had Dr. Reid, was enough to be her undoing. She felt as though she were running in place. Exhausting herself doing everything she could think of to help find Spencer, while being stuck in Hankle's dismal house, without much she could truly do. She was terrified. Spencer was an integral part of their team. She kept thinking that the only thing they needed to find Reid, was Reid. She couldn't imagine this team without him, and thoughts of such danced in the back of her mind. But further back, and deeper down in her heart, she didn't know what she would do without him.
She had never had a friend like Spencer. Someone who seemed to understand her so flawlessly. They would make eye contact as the same puzzle piece fell into place for both of them instantaneously on a case. She'd often find a cup of coffee sat in front of her just as she realized she was feeling fatigued. Once, she'd found a pastry from her favorite cafe, one that she and Spence had gotten breakfast after coming home from a case early one morning, laying on her desk in her office on a morning she had skipped breakfast for an extra 30 minutes of sleep. When she watched the rise of his chest stop on the screen, she felt something snap inside of her. She felt the emotion drain from her body, and she suddenly couldn't feel anything. When he died, a piece of her went with him. Tears sprung from her eyes as she watched Tobias revive him, and he gasped for breath. The teams efforts to find Reid amped up 10 -fold, a certain sense of urgency overtaking them all.
Except agent Jareau.
She wanted, more than anything, to find and save him. But the snap she felt in her could not be undone so easily. She felt as though she were walking with fifty pound weights on either foot, struggling to stay upright, but getting no where. When they figured it out, where Tobias had taken Reid, she found a scared hopefulness. When they found him in the graveyard, she felt all of the numbness she had been feeling crumble. They made eye contact, and she walked to him, reaching out, and then holding each other impossibly tight. With tears in both of their eyes, it was at that moment she realized that she never wanted to live another day without him in it. In a instant, memories flooded her; the first day she had met him, the coffee, the laughs, the airplane rides to cases, and the drives home dropping him off on the way. And finally, her mind landed on the Redskins game. She hadn't known at the time that Reid had meant for it to be a date, but it hadn't taken her long to realize the misunderstanding. Reid had never asked her out again, and frankly she'd been okay with that. She wasn't sure of her feelings for her coworker, and nor did she want it to affect the team. She realized he had a crush on her, but they were able to move forward and become close friends. But at this moment, in the damp woods, a quote came to mind: "Whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same". And then she knew.
As he clung tightly to his best friend in the world, and the woman he had come to recognize he'd loved he felt an overwhelming sadness. Because he knew. He knew he was damaged goods. He knew he craved what was in the pocket of the man who had held him captive and forced it into his veins for the first time. He knew he was damaged. And he knew now that all of his efforts to ever become good enough for the woman in front of him had been in vain, because he never would be.
I know, I know the sirens sound Just before the walls come down Pain is a well-intentioned weatherman Predicting God the best he can But God I want to feel again
