The book stays with its pages unturned for almost half an hour. Steve tries really hard to concentrate on the black words on the white sheet but, every few minutes, his attention gets drawn to the man on his left. He's reread the same paragraph a hundred times but he wouldn't be able to tell what it says if his life depended on it. Steve is buzzing with questions and wonder and whatnot, but he keeps it locked.
Bucky is visibly trying to pay attention to his book too and failing just like Steve, though for a completely different reason.
"Bucky," Steve calls out softly and Bucky still startles, eyes widening and shaking his head. "Bucky, maybe you should sleep, even if it's only for an hour."
"I don't want to." Everyone else would have sounded petulant saying those words but Bucky just sounds resigned.
"I understand." Steve feels unstable, like someone who's been walking with his eyes closed, and now that he's opened them, he's finally aware of walking a rope, hundreds of feet above the ground. "I only say it because of what happened last time you spent days without sleep."
Bucky looks at him almost mad. "Don't." He tries to get the words out but they seem to disagree with him. Bucky gives a deep exhale of annoyance and tries again. "Don't be condescending. I'm not a kid."
Steve doesn't say that perhaps he's angry because he needs to sleep; that would only prove Bucky's accusation to be true. He doesn't want to treat Bucky like a kid, it's just that… maybe he has developed a protective streak when it comes to Bucky. It's not something weird, Steve arguments, to be protective of a man who's spent seventy years being abused. He'll tone it down if it's making him uncomfortable.
"Sorry," he finally apologizes after staring at Bucky for far too long. Steve had already known Bucky's situation was a special one and that his recovering wasn't going to be like any other person's… But now that seventy years of abuse have been added to the puzzle that was already James' life…
With more conviction than ever, Steve knows that keeping James—Bucky away from S.H.I.E.L.D. is crucial for his recovery. It means keeping a secret from his current employers and having his teammates promise they won't say anything either (Steve has faith in them more than ever and is sure they won't betray his trust), but it will be worth it if it helps Bucky.
Cheeks heating up, Steve returns to the same paragraph when Bucky's eyes break him from his absorptions. He finally reads it and goes to the next one. Bucky huffs at his left and Steve tries not to react, but then he huffs again and Steve has to turn and make sure everything's okay.
"I know." Steve waits. "I know you're trying to help me. Thank you."
"You're welcome," Steve manages to say. He wonders, not for the first time, how Bucky can stand his presence. He's the man who did everything in his power to hunt him down, like nothing but a rabid animal. Steve threatened him, shoved him against walls and spewed hate between his teeth.
Even now, when Steve recalls Sam's swollen face and wheezing breath, he struggles to remember that the Winter Soldier is no more and that he was a man who also needed help.
"Do you want to watch a movie?" Steve hears himself say, hands unclenching while he tries to appease the fire rising inside his chest.
Bucky seems to consider the offer and eventually answers with an affirmative noise. Steve asks J.A.R.V.I.S. to bring out the TV and he lets Bucky choose a movie. "I don't know any."
"Then pick a random title."
Bucky ends choosing Robin Hood: Men in Tights and they get comfortable in their seats, ready to watch.
"Have you already watched it?" Steve almost doesn't hear the question. He turns to Bucky but he's staring at the screen.
"No."
But it's on my list, he wants to add.
They're twenty minutes into the movie when Steve catches movement from the corner of his eye. Bucky is trying to get the blankets higher and it's then that the washcloth on his forehead slides to the side. He notices Steve staring and averts his eyes. Steve hears him mumble an apology.
Steve gets to his feet and takes the washcloth. "Do you think you still have a fever?"
A nod. "I'll go wet it again, then."
The perfect reality would be to wait for Bucky to just say what he needs or wants but Steve knows that's not an option right now. He can't even imagine the hell he's gone through but it's easy to see that one of the consequences has been stripping Bucky of his autonomy. Probably one of the goals, to have your brainwashed soldier completely dependent on you.
(The truly perfect reality would have been Bucky not ending in HYDRA's hands.)
Steve doesn't mind having to ask him questions or permission. He also hopes that this way Bucky will start believing that his opinion and consent is important.
He puts the washcloth back over Bucky's forehead, not before placing his hand and making sure the temperature has lowered. He's pretty sure this is the case but he still asks for J.A.R.V.I.S.' opinion.
"Mr. Barnes' body temperature seems to be lowering," the A.I. confirms.
Bucky looks miserable. He's sweating and seems to be having chills and Steve… he just wants to help somehow. He picks his phone from the night stand by the armchair and opens Google. He makes a quick research.
"Do you feel like taking another bath?"
Bucky looks at him through tired eyes, lips parted like just breathing is taking a toll. He trembles one more time before regaining control of his muscles. Bucky nods and Steve helps him out of bed. With Bucky's arm over his shoulders and his own around the man's waist, Steve gets him to the bathroom.
"I'm sweating," Bucky says and Steve has the impression that he didn't mean to say it out loud. He doesn't comment on it.
"I'm going to help you undress, all right?"
Bucky's eyes flutter open and he stares at Steve through dark lashes. He sways forward and Steve puts a palm on the center of his chest. Bucky gives a nod.
"Okay, let's get you out of this."
Bucky raises his arm and Steve takes off both the t-shirt and sweater at the same time, ruffling his hair. Steve pays careful attention to the bandaged stump. Bucky's eyes have closed and Steve has to grab him by the waist so he won't face-plant against Steve.
"You have to help too, you know?" he says with deliberate nonchalance. He remembers the friendly atmosphere the two of them had built just last night, and Steve yearns for it.
Bucky mumbles another apology and pulls away, back straightening and hand going to the waist band of his pants. Steve kicks himself for not thinking before speaking. He doesn't tell Bucky that wasn't a reprimand and instead helps him get out of the rest of the clothes. When he's naked, Steve lets the tub fill up with water.
"Steve." He turns and sees Bucky's unsure expression. Bucky averts his eyes quickly. "Can I get in?"
"Just wait a minute until it fills up." Steve gets his hand under the tap, making sure it's not too hot for Bucky's body.
Bucky nods and Steve goes searching in the cabinets. He's spent a minute rummaging around when he hears a loud thud. He spins around to find Bucky lying flat on his back, eyes closed and face slack. Steve freezes in place for a few heartbeats, finally spurting into action when he hears a sound come from Bucky.
"Bucky!" He kneels by his side and takes the man's face between his hands. "Bucky, open your eyes."
Steve waits, heart hammering in his chest, hearing his blood pump in his ears. His thumbs rub at Bucky's cheeks and Steve repeats his name, expecting a different outcome. He probes at the back of Bucky's head, making sure there is no wound. It must be only a minute but time stretches into what feels like an hour, giving Steve the opportunity to come up with a hundred different theories about what just happened to Bucky.
Bucky recovers consciousness in an unpleasant manner, body spasming and then jerking back when he opens his eyes and sees Steve looming over him. He bangs his bandaged shoulder against the tiles and he strangles a scream in his throat. Steve sees him grit his teeth and his jaw clench, breathing through the pain.
"What happened?" Steve asks, breathless.
Bucky doesn't answer and his face doesn't give anything away.
"Why didn't you tell me you weren't feeling well?" Steve's sure his tone doesn't sound accusatory, he makes sure of it, but perhaps he's wrong because Bucky's face turns into something betrayed.
Bucky keeps silent and eventually Steve doesn't know what else to do but help him to his feet. The bathtub isn't yet full but Steve eases Bucky into it. He trembles once and then his muscles turn to stone, making Steve realize in that moment how unguarded Bucky has been acting in his presence until now.
The next twenty minutes pass in silence, Steve helping Bucky with his bath while the other man ignores him—or at least acts like it. After Bucky has washed his limbs, Steve washes his shoulder and then changes the dressing with the same care as the first time, if not more. He's aware of the looks Bucky sneaks but he doesn't mention them.
When Steve is washing his back, Bucky speaks.
"You told me to wait."
"What?" Steve is engrossed with the scars on the left side of Bucky's back, delicately washing them with the sponge.
"I should have said I wasn't feeling well," Bucky rumbles, mouth pressed against his knee muffling the words.
Steve needs a minute but he eventually pieces it together. "You wanted to get in the tub because you weren't feeling okay."
He presses his forehead to Bucky's large back, muscles unyielding. He feels like an idiot and a bastard all in one package. They don't talk and Steve helps him get out the tub and into a bathrobe. He stands before Bucky, hands gripping his shoulders, and Steve has to control himself so he won't try and wrap himself around Bucky. He barely achieves it but then he looks at Bucky's downcast face and he has to force himself to pull away or he will do something embarrassing.
They enter the bedroom and go through the motions of getting Bucky dressed, this time sans sweater. Bucky sits on the bed and Steve considers him for a moment. Steve touches his forehead and asks Bucky if he's feeling better—he shrugs.
"It wasn't your fault," Steve starts saying. His hand slips down Bucky's arm and he crouches in front of him so he will be able to catch the man's eyes. "Yeah, maybe you should have told me you weren't feeling okay, but it doesn't mean you did something wrong."
Bucky doesn't show any hints that he agrees with Steve's words and Steve's mind flails for something else.
"I'm here to help you, Buck," Steve states directly and feels relief when Bucky's head lifts and their eyes meet. "That means that the moment you feel uncomfortable or threatened by something I've done or said, that's on me."
Bucky doesn't seem convinced but Steve wasn't expecting it to be smooth sailing.
"Bucky," Steve says, tone urging. His hands are at each side of Bucky, braced on the mattress. "If at any moment you feel threatened by me—by anyone —you can tell J.A.R.V.I.S. and he will make sure you're in a safe place, away from the threat… or the threat away from you."
"He can do that?" Bucky questions, eyebrows low, a clear sign of skepticism.
"Indeed, Mr. Barnes," J.A.R.V.I.S. answers and Steve could kiss him if the A.I. had a real body. Steve observes Bucky closely, looking for a crack in the wall he's build between the two of them. "If you ask me to, I can lock doors and bar windows. If needed, I can release a sleeping gas to neutralize a threat."
"He will do that when I ask him?" Bucky asks again and Steve catches urgency in his voice. It clicks then, that Bucky doesn't have anything to defend himself with. He's missing an arm and, yes, Bucky himself is a weapon, but still. It must be a relief to know there is something tangible (or almost) that can be of help when you feel in danger.
"He will," Steve assures, trying to convey his sincerity with his eyes and body if his words aren't enough.
Bucky inspects the room from where he's sitting and eventually gives a solemn nod of his head, wet strands of hair following the movement and catching on his stubble which is a day away from being a beard.
"Do you want me to get under the blanket with you?" Steve forces himself to ask once he gets to his feet.
Bucky is already sitting under the blanket and Steve cannot believe how small he appears right now. He's staring at his bare feet, still on the floor.
"Yes."
Steve gets back to Bucky's side and tries not to feel despicable for enjoying so much the other man's companionship. He may be quiet, Steve ponders while he lies on the bed, but there is something about him that makes it impossible to ignore his presence—it's like Steve can hear a buzzing in the air not letting him forget who is with him.
Steve likes Bucky's observant personality—he knows most of it is actually the man being vigilant but Steve sees in Bucky someone trying to make sense of the place he's in, the people, the set of affairs. He doesn't want to compare their situations but it does remind Steve of himself after getting out of the ice and being shoved into a completely different world.
Bucky rolls into his arms and Steve feels a sigh against his neck. His stomach does a weird thing, like when he dreams of falling.
"Just kick me if you get too warm," Steve tells him.
"Okay," is Bucky's answer and Steve is glad to hear that some of the tension has left his tone, the same way it seems to be leaving his body.
"I just need an hour," Bucky mumbles.
Steve's opinion is that Bucky deserves an entire week spent under warm blankets.
"You sleep, I'll take watch."
Steve's lips find their way to Bucky's forehead, still uncharacteristically hot. As if a button has been pressed, Bucky relaxes.
"Okay." Bucky yawns. "Pal."
Steve snorts at the stupid word that has somehow turned into something more. One arm going around Bucky's back and the other to the back of his head, Steve closes his eyes but doesn't sleep. He listens to Bucky's heartbeat and waits for it to settle into a slow and calm rhythm, something that doesn't resemble feet pounding against the ground, running.
