A/N
Hi there! Here's the next part, things are picking up a little bit of pace and I'm getting really into writing this :) I'm a bit more certain about the direction I'm going with this, so I'm feeling more confident. Again still not beta-ed so any mistakes are my own. It's getting a little angsty, and the scene is being set for bigger things in later chapters. Oh. And Spock is here. You're welcome!
Enjoy :)
Chapter Three
"Hi," Jim said nervously as he stepped into the room. His heart was pounding so fiercely in his chest that he was worried Spock would be able to hear it.
Spock stood and straightened his uniform, turning to look at him. His facial expression was neutral, but his eyes always gave him away. Today they looked like… remorse.
"Was surprised to hear from you, and even more surprised that you're back so soon, I thought it would be a few more weeks at least," Jim said as he walked straight through the room and into the kitchen.
Spock didn't reply and Jim didn't particularly want him to.
He stood in front of the fridge and opened it, surveying the contents in detail.
Do I want a glass of orange juice? I mean I'm kind of thirsty. Do I want water. Hmm. Decisions decisions.
A strong pair of arms snaking around Jim's waist caused him to tense. Warm breath on his neck caused him to fight against the grip and take a large step away, slamming the fridge door closed in the process.
"I'd appreciate if you didn't do that," he said firmly, trying his best not to glare at Spock who was looking at him with that same expression.
For a few long moments they stared at each other. Jim crossed his arms protectively across his chest, standing up a little straighter.
"I understand that my behaviour in recent weeks has caused you emotional distress," Spock said and Jim laughed.
"In recent weeks? Spock. Jesus. It's been the last I don't even know how many years that have caused me emotional distress. You don't get it, do you? You don't see why it's a big deal?" Jim tried to keep the volume of his voice down. All he really wanted to do was yell at him. Maybe even hit him. He wanted to see any kind of emotion come to the surface.
Spock looked at him carefully.
"Start at the beginning," he said and Jim leaned back against the countertop, looking at him strangely.
"The beginning of what?"
"The beginning of when I started to hurt you. I am certain I can justify my actions on every occasion, putting to rest your illogical fears over-"
"Spock. Would you just... shut up?" Jim cut him off. It didn't come out like he wanted it. Angry. It came out almost… pleading.
Spock stared at him for a few seconds and opened his mouth as if to say something, before closing it again. Jim felt rage surging up inside him, and did nothing to control it. He launched forward, snatching his husband by the shirt and shoving him into the opposite countertop, a surge of heat rushed through their usually ignored bond but this time Jim was adamant their lips would not meet. They wouldn't have angry make-up sex on the couch. This time everything that needed to be said would be said.
"You want the beginning? You want to know when this started going wrong for me? Let's try the time when you left me here alone with the kids for the better part of the last fifteen years? Remember that? Oh and the time when you've missed every milestone, every important day, pretty much every birthday and Christmas… and it isn't even just the big days, its all the little things and you weren't here for any of it. Ever. You weren't here when our daughter graduated high school aged thirteen, you weren't here when Leo had that surgery on his heart and he was terrified he wouldn't wake up, and that he'd never see you again. You weren't here when I, when we all needed you. When we finally moved into this house, where were you?" Jim demanded and Spock held his gaze.
"The Laurentian system, I believe-"
"On some stupid fucking mission that they could have sent any ship on! You were always jumping at any little thing they offered you Spock! You never thought about the fact that we needed you here! You've missed everything. The kids are gone you know, none of them live here anymore, it's just me. They've all grown up and left. Seren stayed in Chicago and she's working at the hospital where she did her training, Leo is going to graduate a year early, ahead of all his classmates that can actually see. Chris is… making these decisions that I don't agree with and can't control, and I feel like it's because of you. It's because he wants to rebel against you, it's the same reason he stopped acknowledging his Vulcan side, because he wants nothing to do with you Spock."
Jim paused, his grip on Spock's shirt tightening.
"And when I almost died. You weren't here. Seren was six years old then. She was the one holding my hand when I woke up in that hospital, not you. And do you remember what you said, when we talked about what had happened?" Jim asked and Spock gave a small nod.
"What was it?!" Jim demanded, voice finally rising to a yell.
"That it was incredibly unfortunate that-"
"UNFORTUNATE! You remember that? You remember how I was about ready to just… let everything go, how I was so god damn low that I never thought I'd feel alright again? Well you weren't there to fix it. It was the kids. It's always been them, and you've been hurting them too."
"Illogical. They have been highly proficient in caring for themselves since the age of-"
"THIS ISN'T ABOUT THEM CARING FOR THEMSELVES!" Jim roared and Spock fell silent.
"This is about caring about them, not for them."
"Of course I care about them, I care deeply about them. I also care about you, as much as you choose to believe I do not. I stayed away that time because I knew that if I saw you I would be unable to maintain control over my emotions. I was just as… devastated by the loss of the child as you were. Perhaps it is you that does not listen."
Jim narrowed his eyes.
"Oh no. Don't you dare turn this around to be about me, don't you fucking try it!"
Jim relaxed his grip and took a step back, Spock's eyes widening slightly as he caught sight of Jim's left hand and the white tan line that remained in place of the gold band that should have been around his finger.
"You have removed your ring," he said slowly and Jim sighed, running a hand through his hair.
"When you suggested a trial separation, I figured why not trial taking that off too," he said coldly.
Spock looked positively heartbroken.
"I suggested a trial separation out of hope that in each others absence we would come to realise the depths of the feelings we still have for one another. I do not wish to terminate our relationship. As you are aware, Vulcans select their bondmate for life," Spock said and Jim allowed his shoulders to slump.
"I meant it that day on the ship too, til' death do us part," Jim said quietly.
They were both silent for a few moments, the only sound Jim's slightly heavy breathing as he allowed the rage to leave his body, to melt away into nothingness.
"Would this be an acceptable moment to initiate physical contact?" Spock asked and Jim looked at him.
"You mean like a hug?"
"Affirmative."
"Spock I…" Jim paused, sighing again before trying to find the right words.
"I love you. I do. Part of me always will no matter how much we fight. The problem is right now that as much as I love you, it's all kind of mixing with how angry and hurt I am. The fact of the matter is that you haven't been here enough, and the length of this mission has been kind of the last straw. If we're going to work things out, then certain things have to change. Unless you think you can change… then… we need to separate," Jim said and Spock nodded.
"It's late, can we talk about this tomorrow?" Jim asked, trying to stifle a yawn. The kitchen clock told him it was nearing two in the morning.
"I will be debriefing, and explaining to Starfleet command why I saw fit to end the mission three weeks earlier than scheduled," he said.
"Why did you?"
"Because your mental shields are, and always will be, inadequate. I could sense your emotions and decided that three additional weeks away from you would have been… unacceptable," he said. Jim turned away but felt a small tingle of hope.
"You know that's the first nice thing you've done for me in so long I can't even remember," he said.
"I will ensure I am available in the evening, so we can talk for as long as is necessary," Spock said and Jim nodded, turning back to look at him again.
They were silent once more, just staring at each other. Jim didn't really know what else to say. He was tired, and his emotions were running high and in danger of getting the better of him.
"Would you like me to leave, Jim?" Spock asked and Jim froze for a minute.
"I don't want you sleeping in my bed," he said quietly and Spock nodded.
"But you don't have to leave the house or anything… there's three empty beds up there," he said and Spock left the kitchen in silence.
Jim buried his face in his hands, trying to figure out how he was going to untangle his mess of conflicting emotions.
Christopher almost didn't believe what he was hearing.
"Hey darlin', are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see," said David with a cocky grin and a Southern drawl, leaning confidently against the bar next to her.
He almost choked in his drink as the girl actually went for it.
A few seconds later and they were making out sloppily and Chris chuckled, finishing the rest of his drink before setting it down.
He scanned the crowded room again, but nobody really stood out, nobody held his attention. That is until his eyes reached a couch over in the corner, and locked onto a being he decided would be spending a lot more time with him very soon.
Getting another drink and leaving David at the bar, he crossed the room, a little swagger in his step as the music blared around him. He neared the girl and decided she was on her own before walking right over and sitting down beside her, putting on his best 'little boy lost' impersonation.
"Excuse me? Yeah hi… I've uh… lost my communicator, I was just wondering if I could borrow yours?" he asked and she looked up at him, a small smirk forming on her lips. Up close he could tell she wasn't human, at least not entirely, but he couldn't put his finger quite on what the differences were.
"Sure," she said shortly, removing the device from her purse.
He accepted it, careful to brush his fingers against her hands as he did so, funnelling as much raw lust through the brief contact as he could. If Vulcan telepathy was good for one thing, it was getting girls to notice him.
He entered his own number into the device and handed it back to her, she looked at it with a puzzled expression on her face.
"Oh you see, that's for later when you want to give me a call," he said, leaning back and taking a sip of his drink as he held her gaze.
"And why would I want to call you later?" she asked and he smirked.
"Why wouldn't you want to call me later?"
"Because… you seem like a complete and total asshole?" she asked and he grinned.
"Do I? See because I always thought I was pretty awesome."
"Have a good night, kid, don't let your Mom catch you out this late," she laughed, getting to her feet and strutting away, leaving him feeling pretty foolish but trying not to show it.
He noticed David being dragged towards the bathrooms by the girl he was with and decided it was time to immediately up his game. Digging into his pocket he fumbled with the small plastic bag he had there, pulling out a single, tiny white pill. He popped it in his mouth discreetly and swallowed it. Now he was ready.
He spotted a pretty Orion girl at the bar and walked over, sitting in the seat beside her and looking her up and down.
Orion women were not a route he had yet explored, but he'd heard stories about them so he was keen to try and prove if the rumours were true or not.
Luckily, she was much friendlier than the girl who had shot him down a few minutes earlier and it wasn't long before her lithe tongue was flicking over the point of his ear, making his jeans painfully tight as he fought to remain in control.
"Shall we get out of here?" he asked breathlessly and she pulled away.
"Well that depends," she said as an even more beautiful Orion walked over to them.
"Can my friend come too?" she asked, right in his ear.
He made a sound that he wasn't sure he knew he was capable of and stood up; ignoring the way the bulge in his jeans was obvious. There was a brief introduction to the other girl before he had an arm around each of their waists, walking outside to get a cab back to his apartment.
Sitting in the back of the cab with one girl rubbing his thigh, getting steadily higher and higher and other sucking on his neck he sent a text message to his friend, smirking as he did so.
Christopher: 2 David:1.
Leo rubbed his temples, trying to get his head to clear. He peeled his shirt off and threw it aside, raising the room temperature before settling on the middle of his bed, sitting with his legs crossed and his back straight, hands on his knees.
He cleared his thoughts, focusing on emptying everything from his mind. Today though, it just wasn't working.
The dull throbbing in his head was becoming unbearable at times, causing him to lose concentration at vital moments. He'd lost count of his steps whilst he was out and had ended up lost, stumbling around until he admitted defeat and called Chris to come and find him and bring him home.
His twin hadn't been happy about being disturbed. He'd been resting after spending the night with two Orion women and despite his protests, had told Leo about it in graphic detail.
"So… what does it… you know, feel like?" Leo has asked.
"Sex?"
"Yeah... I mean… yeah…" he trailed off.
"Go find out for yourself! You wouldn't struggle to find someone. You should come out with David and I next time we go," he offered and Leo hesitated. Lately he'd been a lot more curios about sex, and decided that it was something he definitely wanted, it was just a matter of finding the right woman.
"I want to actually get to know her first though, like go out on a few dates and stuff," Leo had insisted.
"Yeah yeah, I get it. I can find you someone, no problem, give me a few days. I'll keep the Orion girls for later though, they'd eat you alive, I don't think I'm going to be able to walk properly for a week…"
Leo flinched as a sharp pain rushed through his head. He knew that after almost a week of headaches it was time to talk to Bones about it.
He stood and fumbled for his communicator, dialling the Doctor at work, knowing that was where he was most likely to find him.
When he didn't get a reply he shoved the device in his pocket and searched for his shirt, making sure it was the right way out before pulling it back on. If he couldn't get Bones on his comm. he'd go down to Starfleet medical to try and find him.
Seven paces. Door. Fourteen paces, turn left fifteen degrees. Shoes.
"Chris! If you're here I'm going out," he called out into the apartment.
There was no reply so he assumed his brother had either gone to the gym, or back to bed, and not wanting to interrupt his meditation had left him alone to it.
Door. Left turn, Ninety-degrees. Twenty five paces. Elevator, last button on the right hand column. Nineteen paces through the lobby of the building, down eight steps to the street. Turn ninety degrees to the right, and walk…
Leo focused hard. A few times when he reached the end of the block he'd realise that he must have miscounted as he once went over the end of the kerb, and once was almost two steps away from it when he thought he was right by it. His head was hurting more and more as he neared his destination, and he was almost certain he could actually feel his own pulse inside his brain. It wasn't pleasant.
He reached the Doctor's office at last and spoke briefly with the Receptionist who told him to take a seat whilst she went to find Bones.
He sat and waited, relieved when he heard familiar footsteps approaching.
"Hey Leo, what can I do for you?" he asked and Leo got to his feet.
"Hey Bones. I have a headache; I was hoping you could take a look at it."
"What, the drugstore don't sell painkillers now?" he asked gruffly and Leo chuckled.
"You and I both know that I need something a little stronger than I can buy over the counter," he said and Bones nodded knowingly. All three of the Kirk children were affected by both their Vulcan heritage and Khan's blood. They were incredibly strong, and healed very quickly when injured or ill, but the trade off was that they were incredibly tolerant to medications and sedatives.
When Leo had his last heart surgery aged twelve they'd ended up having to use Klingon grade sedative to ensure he didn't wake up halfway through the operation.
"Alright you little troublemaker, go take a seat in my office, I'll be right there," he said and Leo smiled, walking towards where he knew the office door was.
He missed the door slightly and tried to hide his fumble as his shoulder bumped into the frame, curing under his breath he gratefully sat up on the edge of the bio-bed, relieved to have made it at last.
A few moments later he heard the Doctor bustle into the room.
"You're lucky I like you so much, I've got a jam-packed schedule today," he said and Leo obediently lay back as he felt the Doctor's hand on his shoulder.
"Aww. Thanks Bones, you're so sweet," he said and the Doctor sighed.
"You're so much like Jim that it horrifies me," he muttered and Leo smiled again.
After examining him for a few minutes, Bones gave Leo a hypo that almost immediately alleviated the throbbing in his brain, causing him to let out a sigh of relief.
"Thank you, you're a miracle worker," he said gratefully as he sat upright.
"A Doctor, not a miracle worker," he corrected. He sounded… odd. Strained almost.
"You alright Bones? Everything ok?"
There was a pause.
"Yeah, fine kid. You're dehydrated, drink at least two or three more glasses of water a day and that should help the headaches," he explained quickly.
"Thanks again," Leo said as the Doctor practically threw him out of his office, rambling about his fully booked up day.
The young Kirk twin walked home by himself, his steps measured and counted precisely. He made it back without tripping or getting lost, and only bumped into one person the whole way, and that was right outside the apartment building.
"I'm so sorry, I didn't see you there-"
"Leonard, is it wise to be walking around alone?"
There was only one person who called him by his full name.
"Sa-mekh," Leo greeted, raising one hand in the Ta'al to his Father.
"My son. It is pleasing to see you again."
Leo wanted to say the same, but he really couldn't. Jim had been so torn up over everything that he didn't really know how to act around Spock.
"You're home sooner than I thought," Leo pointed out.
"As I have been informed by both Jim and your brother," Spock responded.
Leo fell silent, he didn't really have much to say to Spock. He felt as though he barely knew him. Growing up he'd always been a voice on a comm. or a guy who'd come home for a few weeks, fuck Jim's emotions all up and then leave again.
But he knew he was half of him, and he needed to at least try and maintain some sort of relationship with him, not matter how distant he was at times.
He was just thinking about inviting Spock inside for a drink when the older man spoke first.
"I must return to Starfleet to resume my debriefing," he said and Leo nodded.
"Sure. Are you leaving again… you know, like, soon?" he asked.
"I have no plans. At this point in time I believe I may be on Earth for the foreseeable future, there are matters here that require my attention," he said flatly.
"Like unbreaking Jim's heart?" Leo asked. He knew it was out of line, but he just had to say it.
"I believe that would be an adequate description," Spock said, he sounded… sad.
Leo allowed Spock to walk him to the elevator before bidding him goodbye, agreeing to meet the following day to spend some time together.
Leo felt uneasy about it, and knew he would check on Jim before he went to bed that night. If Spock was home Jim was bound to be getting himself into a state.
Jim was in his office, poring over strategic diagrams for a mission to free some slaves from a prison world. He chugged down his coffee, crumpling the disposable cup in his hand and throwing it into the trash under his desk. He ignored the fact there were five other coffee cups already in there, and it was only mid-day.
He'd barely slept. Knowing that Spock was only a few feet away in Leo's room had been agonising. Part of him wanted to drag him into their bed and show him just how much he'd missed him, but another part of him wanted to drag him out of bed by his infuriatingly perfect hair and beat him to a bloody pulp.
"Uncle Jim?" a voice broke into his thoughts. He looked up to see someone he didn't expect to see in his doorway.
"David! Come on in buddy, oh, shit you don't look so good," he said as he noticed how pale the young man was.
"I'm hanging," he confessed and Jim smiled. He remembered those days, hangovers so bad he could barely believe he survived them.
"Out with Chris last night?"
"Oh yeah. I don't even remember how I got home," he said with a sigh, settling into the chair across from Jim's desk.
"So what can I do for you?" Jim asked.
"I… well… it's kinda awkward, I mean, I feel bad," David squirmed.
"What's wrong? You know you can talk to me about anything," Jim pressed.
David had come to see him, so he obviously needed to talk to him badly enough to have come to his office in person.
"It's about Chris. I'm… kinda worried about him," David said and Jim leaned back in his chair a little bit.
"Go on," he prompted.
David was silent for a few moments before he opened his mouth again.
"I… well…last night I saw him… talking to this guy, I don't know who he was, but he was talkin' to him and Chris gave him a handful of money, and the guy gave him… I don't know, it looked like pills," he said and Jim felt his heart skip a beat.
Drugs.
"I mean, you can't tell him I told you! He'll kill me! It might have been innocent, but the guy… he didn't look so innocent. I'm only tellin' you because I worry he might get hurt or somethin', I don't want anything to happen to him," he added quickly. Jim nodded, his face stony.
"Thank you for telling me. I mean really, that must have taken a lot of guts to walk in here and tell me that, I appreciate it," Jim said gratefully and David nodded, looking away.
He was the perfect mixture of his two parents, Bones' dark hair and Carol's blue eyes, his face a mixture of them both. Jim always joked that he was much better looking than Bones was.
"Did he seem like he was on anything when you were out last night?" Jim asked and David shook his head.
"No, he seemed pretty normal. I never saw him take anythin' out of his pocket or take any pills… but I wasn't with him the entire time," he said and Jim nodded.
"Yeah, ok, I'm glad you told me," Jim said.
His mind was reeling. He thought he'd raised his kids better than that, better than to be using drugs.
Jim rose from his desk and David looked alarmed.
"You aren't going to tell him I was here are you?" he asked and Jim shook his head.
"No, I'm not, of course not. I'm not going to confront him, don't worry," Jim said, trying to put David's mind at rest, he was obviously conflicted about having told him.
David stood up and scampered from Jim's office with a mumbled goodbye, leaving Jim standing at his desk with his mind all over the place.
He didn't think Chris was the type to use drugs. Ever.
Could he have misjudged his own son so much? Did he really know him as well as he thought he did?
